Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I am so lost... Please someone help me!

Oh I hear ya LOL

Man, you are handling this perfectly. You own your $h!t!

Do yourself a favor, if you do snap or WANT to snap...how bout you count to ten and post here. It will be a battle bro, but to accomplish YOUR goals. We can take it

Keep moving forward friend. Keep posting. Listen without defending... I'll do my best to speak without offending.

For now? Good job.

Johnie

your progress sounds good and hopeful. Not to quibble, but as for disrespect, make sure you realize that yelling isn't exactly respecting her either, just so you know. I'm so glad you are working on this issue.


As the child of a yelling man, I bristle when my h yells. I bristle A lot. And I shut out whatever my h says. It's the yelling I hear, not the words. It's the loss of control my h is showing that I cannot abide by, and it's not attractive at all. It sounds like I'm being berated when he yells, so I feel very disrespected when that happens...just fyi



As you've been warned, there will be bad days from her so you have to expect them and NOT let them in.

Your changes will not be trusted for some time, so keep that in mind.


Your changes + Sufficient Time = Her beginning to Trust your changes are real...


and maybe Marriage to you "from this day forward", could be better than before.


That's what she wants...a good m...and most w's want that with the father of their children IF possible...your changes are going to show her that this IS possible.

Good luck and take care

Thank you again for your insight,  I appreciate your view 25yearsmlc, because its like I am getting my wife's perspective (even though she internalized that and will not communicate it).   Also, thank you FaithnAK, It is good to know that you know my "headspace" and have proven that change is possible, it is VERY encouraging.  Every day I am becoming to realize things that I could not see before.  In my eyes when my wife dropped bomb 1 and 2, I could not understand "why she was going crazy".  But as I read more in this forum and travel down my path of self discovery, I am beginning to see what I have done in the past that has contributed to our breakdown.  I am encouraged by my 4 "positive" days.  I have the day off today and when I told my W last night that I would be home tomorrow, I didn't hear the usual negative "Oh grreeaat" , she actually didn't seem to be angry and almost happy that I was going to be home, how encouraging.  My wife is showing a more positive mood and that gives me hope.  I am also starting to notice how my mood and my interaction affects her.  Thank god we are finally getting nice weather up here in the north.  We have had an especially heavy rainfall this spring which made us all cranky.  Now that the weather is on my side, I can use the outside to my advantage to give us both space when we need it.  I love to sit outside on my patio swing and read the DB forums and Journalize on my Ipad.  It is REALLY helpful in maintaining my mood.

It occurred to me yesterday, that I can use (strategic exercise) to keep things moving in a positive direction.  Here is what I mean... I noticed that my wife is in a great mood after her exercising at the gym (endorphin high), and that I too am on an endorphin high, after I exercise.  I generally exercise first thing in the morning before work at the company gym.  It helps me start the day on the right foot.  The thing is... the exercise high is gone by the time I get home after 8 hours of stressful work, and in fact has been replaced by me being wound up tighter than a swiss watch.  So... I am going to modify my exercise schedule to include some aerobic exercise (bike, ball with the kids, etc.) while my wife is at the gym.  This will help me to be especially happy around her (it's just easier with that brain chemistry assisting).   I expect to get my AM books today and will start that education with me and my daughter.  I think we both (D 6yrs) can work together To keep each other on track.  Sometimes it's nice to have someone with you on your path of self enlightenment, and I love spending time with her, she is her Daddys little girl for sure.

So far this morning my W is in a good mood again and I am too... Let's keep that going...

Awesome.

Keep doing what works, but seriously, be prepared for anything and keep following that list. I think it will help you hit many more days. Sandi2's words of encouragement and caution need to be heeded.

Hope you have another great day tomorrow.

Well so far everyone's advice has been pretty bang on.  You all have been warning me to be prepared for tough days... And today came along.  I can't say that it has been a tough day for me because of anything my wife has or hasnt done or said though, it seems I am my own worst enemy.  I was looking forward to a good workout this morning so that I could ride the endorphins, but it never came(the endorphins).  I have been in a funk at work all day.  I think I know why... Last night I lost my kool with the kids in front of my wife.  Every night it's the same thing at bedtime... They drag out the time when I tell them it's their bedtime, it's really frustrating.   I raised my voice with them and I noticed that it caused my wife to get frustrated and raise her voice too.  I realized how our moods can affect each other.  I had trouble sleeping last night due to my outburst.  I think because I am disappointed in myself for losing it.  I don't know why but frustration triggers my anger... I think it's has something to do with all the bullying I took as a kid.  I was always picked on by the other kids due to my poor vision.  I guess that baggage hangs with you for a long time.  It's been really tough to keep that emotion in check.  I had a good suggestion from a peer at work today on a different way to handle the kids misbehaviors, and that is to use a points reward system to encourage good behavior.  I will present the idea to my wife later tonight or tomorrow after I have made a clear list of dos and donts behaviors and possible rewards.  (thanks Michelle... If it docent work try something different). 

My wife emailed me today at work to tell me that she was going out with the girls again tomorrow night.  While I am trying to not let that bother me, I can't deny the fact that it does.  I am starting to find myself questioning as to wether she is truly going out with the girls or something else.  I have always had complete faith in her and never believed that she would cheat on me, but my insecurity now makes me question that.  I know from reading the 5  love languages that my LL are (in order of strength)  Physical Touch , Words of Affirmation and Quality Time.  I suppose that is why even the thought of her betraying me is unbearable.    I don't know what to do to get these thoughts out of my headspace.  I keep telling myself that her need to go out is because she was married and pregnant at the age of 23, and that she is now in a midlife crisis of sorts realizing that she missed those carefree years.  Being 10 years older than her, I had the benefit of those years and have no desire to go back to them... Been there done that.  

Should I encourage her to go out? should I say nothing?   Or should I just say "have a good time" and pretend to be happy for her?   Sometimes I get the feeling that she is testing me on this... Could that be possible? Or am I just jealous that her friends are taking away my quality time with my best friend?

I also have been questioning myself today as to whether the plan is working or, if I am just choosing to believe it is.  Are her seemingly good moods because of my actions or are they because she thinks that I have accepted her decision to split and that is easier for her to not feel as guilty...

I also have been wondering why she hasn't told her family what is happening yet?  Is it because she is afraid of what they will tell her?  Or is it because she is not sure of her decision?  Or is it because it was her way of making a last ditch effort to make me see her points and work harder to change my ways.  All these questions have been tormenting me today...  

Am I torturing myself because I am so tired from my lack of sleep last night... God I hope I can get some sleep tonight...

Thoughts anyone?

 

When you see change and you are aware of your actions, YES, you CAN become your worst enemy. Key here though is at least you are aware. The 100% of people who are NOT aware, never change. Look into why you feel the way YOU do...stand back up, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward.



I don't have kids, but you are absolutely correct in saying that you have identified what isn't working and willing to keep changing it until you find SOMETHING that works. Just remember you were a kid once, too.



Trust your gut. Your gut, that deep feeling that something is wrong, more than likely is true. Takes her wedding ring off, drops 2 bombs on you, and MANY other signals suggest that she could be involved with someone else. However, unless you WANT to do some "mild" snooping and be hurt. Don't. Not yet. Just keep in tune with yourself and trust your gut. Concentrate on controlling your Anger first. You are a work in progress.



Do not encourage her. Don't tell her to have a good time. You are jealous, because you are changing and your "internal" red flag is up. Anything you say or do at this point is going to look like pursuing, control, or jealousy. Just say "Ok" and walk away. This is where I want you to get dressed up in your new duds, with some cologne on, and take a CAB and disappear for awhile. You need to do the same thing she is. You need to channel your energy from her and "Show" you are going to go do your own thing too. Show independence, not dependence.



Go read Sandi's post and the LIST again. Follow it letter for letter. I'm sure 25mlc and Sandi will chime in, but Sandi was in a position that your Wife is right now at one point. LISTEN TO HER. Don't give in to what you feel.

Yes, because of your awareness you are insecure. However, it's normal, you are NO different from countless others. You also are changing and understanding your short comings. Thats huge.

 

Stop wondering (easier said than done) If she's hiding something from you, she's hiding it from them. IF she is involved with something that "Should not be" she's hiding everything from everybody, because she doesn't want to be judged.

Keep posting friend...and keep working.

re read the list, Live by it

and be GLAD she's not telling her family. She's not sure enough to "announce"


the more people that know, the more it Cements their choice.

The more people who know, the harder it is to turn things around, imo

Unlike faith, I'm not nearly sure there's an OM yet, but I'm pretty sure she's "playing". If there were an OM, she'd be more likely to have given her family a heads up just to get them used to the idea of her not being m to you...and later, much, she'd tell them about OM...just my theory


but She wants the attention of fun loving men, and freedom and spice she hasn't felt in a long time...so she's ripe for an A

What can you do? You do YOUR WORK and DB like a mad man.

First you MUST NOT YELL. You gotta get a grip on that. Seriously.

You have to be the BEST Dad possible.

Start the bedtime routine earlier and you'll be more relaxed about it.

Stress (like from yelling??) at bed time makes the kids more hyper


I strongly suggest you take Faith's advice and go out with your "new friends" or take a class that forces you to interact with other people.

That makes it easier to Not obsess, which is only going to make you nuts and then you'll be more likely to blow up.


Plus it makes her aware of you as a "man" other women could find interesting...


it's gimmicky but look at how wacky you feel and all you KNOW is she's going out with friends...

Hang in there and don't panic. It never helps.


Johnie, when you post, can you break your paragraphs up so it's easier to read?

Thanks


ps READ THE LIST AND LIVE BY IT....Note the attitude you have to adopt...do it

I think every new LBH tries to get inside his W's head so he can figure her out. But you can't and you will do self damage and feel more frustrated (which you don't need)and less confident. Just try not doing that b/c it will drive you nuts.

Johnnie, try to look at each day as a challenge. Take your job, your M, and especially your W as a challenge and know that you are the winner in this R. She will be attracted to a leader who has strong character and controls his emotions, plus loaded with a calm sense of confidence. Do react to her telling you she's going out. Just an example.....you could have responded to her email like, "Okay, I'll keep the kids and trade out for tomorrow night b/c I've made some plans". If she asks what are the plans, "Oh just getting out of the house". You don't lie or give people's names (if you say you're going to see friends, she'll want to know who) so give a general answer and always be vague. BTW, I love the cab idea!

Okay, about the kids. I do not believe in constantly telling children to get ready for bed. It becomes a power struggle and the kids usually wear the parent down, so that has to stop. You set a definite scheduled time for bed. Keep the same schedule unless something special. They are to know when it's that time. But, just to help them get use to this new action, I suggest you buy one of those cheap timer's that we use in the kitchen. You set the timer for 30 or 45 minutes (depending on ages), (and I'd place one in their rooms), and when that timer sounds off, you expect them to be in their beds...in their PJ's and with the cover over them. You have to be specific or they will play games just to push the limit and see how much you will take. They are to know that you will come by each room when the buzzer sounds, and if they succeed....they get their earned points, and if not....they get demerits.

You don't yell across the house or upstairs for the kids to go to bed. Make it a special time with them seeing their dad calm and strong. It gives them a secure feeling. If they are in the bed when the buzzer sounds, be sure to give them a big hug when you tuck them in for the night.

I'm NOT sure either. However, I agree with the "playing" part. There is definitely more than meets the eye. Too soon to tell. She's WAW, there is something she is getting that makes her feel ...MORE. Stripping the ring off and dropping two different bombs is a red flag. I HATE to say this, but I'd rather he be aware and face that reality than not. Also, her asking your "permission" is not a good thing. Again, I've seen this first hand, but until you KNOW for sure J1, keep doing what you are doing.



Well put Sandi. And I stand corrected. I completely agree about not living a lie, this isn't a game as much as becoming mysterious. Perfect way to pull it. Get a cab and go OUT. Do it. Please J1, do this. Trust me and by God trust the advice from 25 and Sandi. Not selling myself short either.

a small echo of the sleeping advice from sandi



this bedtime routine is the BEST part of my day, even now with a middle schooler


it's when they open up, share, tell you what they fear or are looking forward to


it's a beautiful time if you let it be.

Make it something they look forward to so they don't feel they're missing out on the "real action" downstairs, or wherever you are, b/c you are with THEM and you're not rushing out to "do something fun"...you ARE doing something fun by being with them...

later when you leave their room, (you imply), you have to go talk to w about taxes or a new health care bill or some other un-fun task (yawn)

so the kids know THEY are where it's at...and when they get up the next day, that's when YOUR next day starts too...(=they're missing nothing by going to bed, but getting ready for their next day too)

make sense?