Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I am the devil....

Tad, E is very very right.
Where your wife is right now? Who knows? But truth be told that is not the important part. Your journaling sounds like a great step. You are becoming much more objective from where you were. Not there yet, but another day closer...

The contradictory stuff? The alienating friends? Family that suddenly despises you are can't look you in the eye? Yep. Been there and doing that still. I could tell you stories, but they would seem so familiar you might be bored. I know I am. Or at least tired of it. Drained.

Does the suspicion and paranoia stop? Doubful for a long time. That's par for the course.

You do need to wish her well regardless of what happens. To do otherwise, in my opinion is to have lived a hypocritical life when it comes down to it. Get to that point.

Lots of positives in your life right now Tad. One negative (or is it? Only time will tell if it is positive or negative) will not define the time period nor you.

Be courageous and be you. Be positive and be graceful. Be you.

Your sons need your leadership. Having been a son that watched his dad crumble when my mom died, I can say it is very important that you not crumble. That you be there for them and watch what you say to them. What you say carries a tremendous weight.

Her trying to reconnect? That's a good thing, Tad. She will not try to reconnect with you until the very end, if at all. Don't worry about that because worry won't help. Focus on you and the boys and let the rest take care of itself.

AJM

P.S. Tad - when they start coming up with crazy excuses like you wouldn't "let" her become a vegetarian - it's because you were such a good husband she can't think of any more legitimate excuse for her behavior! lol

exactly...and her pathology will reveal itself in time and people you care about won't

forget who you were/are....


but even though journalling seems cathartic, I have also found it can reinforce some negative thought patterns



my question is, why are your posts almost all about HER?

Let's hear more about YOU.

Tad and anyone else reading this,

This advice is UNIVERSAL.......

It applies to EVERYONE......

NO EXCEPTIONS.......

I don't care what the sitch is.......

The other UNIVERSAL componet in every sitch is TIME.....

Over TIME you will get tired or bored with looking at your wayward spouse's behavior, and you will start to focus more on you and your life.

It is not until you really focus on you that you can start to make the changes INSIDE of YOU that make YOU feel better about YOU.

When you feel better about YOU.....YOU WILL be a happier person

AND

A Healthier person too!!!

It will take you TIME but you will discover this eventually....

I just hope it is sooner rather than later.

Cheers

Thanks everyone.

I guess I have let go, but need to let go even more...completely.

I think I am getting better. I look back at the hurt of it all and realize that I have come a long way. Even though I still hurt, it is not as bad as it was October - March. But.....

I had a bad night last night.

I realized that I am missing someone who "loved me deeply for many years" and now doesn't even care if I'm alive.

Tad

Tad,


Yes Tad you do need to let go. Having said this, a lot of time we try and “force” ourselves to let go. We think it will happen overnight. It is my experience that it does not. It really is a process. This whole thang is a process brother. One that we must go through in order to come out of it on the other side. It is how we go thru the process that will determine our future (at least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it). Personally, I had to go through what I went through in order to become what I am today. No rushing can make it go any faster. I say this to you because if you are anything like me, you will try and force/push yourself to change how you feel (all in an attempt to be “done”). Guess what, you may think your done one day or think you have detached enough one day only to realize that you are not as far as you thought you were.

Tad, what is detachment to YOU? What does letting go mean to YOU?

For me, letting go was such a long process. I had to grieve, I had to process so many emotions (and FTR, sometime I still do), I had to let go….of [b]everything[/b} I mean everything things like…trying to control the sitch, trying to control how I felt, trying to hold back all of the anger….trying to guilt her…trying to get folks on my side…playing the victim….feeling sorry for myself…I had a ton of stuff to let go….

So…….I just let go of everything! For me I made a choice to not feel the way that I was feeling. For me I finally realized that I could only control myself – not her, not my L, not my kids, nothing…just me and MY actions. It was at this point that I decided to live for me.

Do I still love my STBXW you may be asking? Yes…I do and always will. I love her and MYSELF enough to let her go completely. Love myself enough to focus on my happiness. Love my kids enough to work hard at being the best man and dad I could be. When you do this Tad….things will get clearer….and YOU will begin to live and truly detach. BUT you cannot force yourself there…it just has to takes it course.


Define better.


One night does not a life make buddy…..everyone has bad days. Chit you could have been married living the white picket fence dream and still had a bad day. Call and accept what it is…a BAD day…no more no less. Ya still have more days ahead of you. Make them good days. Make them days that you will remember. Make them positive days.


Ya just realized? I suspect that you really mean is that you are now beginning to understand the level at which she is in her own world. This Tad, is about HER. As for your “now doesn’t even care if I’m alive” comment….you do not know what she feels so how can you make this statement. She too is probably in pain. So much so that it is sooo much easier for her to blame you and everyone else.

Tad, this chit is hard man…really hard… YOU will be tested like you have never been tested before.

Stop worrying about what she MIGHT…MAY….COULD BE….POSSIBILY be thinking or feeling right now. Tad, focus on YOU man. I believe someone posted earlier to you about telling us what you are doing for YOU…I never saw answer…so what are you doing for Tad?

What hobbies do you have?
What are your plans for the 4th?
What foods do you like?

What makes you happy Tad?

This is mind reading dude......

This is why we preach to look away from you spouse.....

It Hurts.....

Sorry you had a bad night.

Not your first and unfortunately not your last.....

You have gotten through them before and guess what?????

The sun comes up again the next morning......

always does.

What the passing of TIME brings YOU is the knowledge that you will survive and be okay.

It takes time for your soul to be convinced that this pain will fade.

For me this is the "WORK".

When you have survived enough "bad nights" you begin to realize that the pain is not forever.

It might be a good time to stop a minute Tad and look back over your shoulder......

What do you see???

Think about the days when this first began.....

I bet those "bad days and nights" were more intense and closer together.....

It does get better......with TIME.

What you have to do is work on TAD when it is not a "bad night".

When you work on YOU that means you are not looking at her.

Looking at her = more bad nights

Working on YOU = less bad nights

Fear is driving you right now, you can't see it but it is there.

Your fear of being happy without your W is ever present.

Here is a secret......

The best chance of healing your M is.......

Finding a way to be HAPPY WITHOUT YOUR WIFE.

Make sense????

BTW, being happy without your W doesn't mean finding someone else to be happy with, it means finding that happy place inside of you.

It took me awhile to find it......over a year and alot of "bad nights".

Hang in there, oh today is Little Friday.

Happy Little Friday!!!

Cheers

Thanks MHL and Eric. It has been a long time since I posted so I will give a little update and respond to your posts.



I'm not exactly sure. Maybe not worrying so much about her and not wondering what she is doing. Letting her be her while I be me? Not initiating any contact.....I'm trying. 25 years with someone is a long time. She was my best friend.



I'm not as sad. I don't think about her every waking moment. Sure do miss her though. I try to look toward the future and for the first time I am seeing it without her in it. Not really sure if I like it. God, she is beautiful.



Yes, I am beginning to understand it. As for her pain, why does everyone say that? I don't believe she is. If she is, she sure does hide it well.



Right now buddy it is all about getting a job man. I've been out of work since March. Hobbies - I like to paint, garden and bowl. Plans - they finally made fireworks legal in Arizona so the boys and I are going to get some and set them off and maybe have a barbecue. Foods - Love chinese and mexican. The spicier the better. Happiness - still looking man. I do enjoy my boys a lot.



Yeah, it has taken longer than I thought it would. It is just so hard to believe that a year ago this month we were planning to renew our vows in August.



Oh yeah. I was thinking about this the other night. I've come a long way. I know this. The pain is bad, but nothing like it was October-February. Thank God.



Yep. Scared sh!tless.



Actually? Not really. Maybe it will with time.

Now the update:

W had her surgery. Everything is fine.

We didn't speak for almost two weeks. I actually didn't mind because talking to her just hurts. Not as bad as it used to though.

I am out of a job. I am broke. No income and no income from W. I have applied for foodstamps. They needed birth certificates. I sent W a text asking for them. She got hateful and refused to give them to me. I knew this would happen. Said they were hers and would not even let me borrow them for a few days. Said that it says on them that they are her property. They don't. Texting went back and forth for about an hour. Finally, I told her that I would just have my attorney (I don't have one) contact her. She accused me of threatening her and being controlling. A few minutes later, she threatened me. Whatever. She said that "you are certainly not my friend. I have no desire to be your friend." She also told S18 that she would give him his but: "I am not giving them to your father." Why does she think that I am so evil? A few hours later, she called and talked to S16 then asked to talk to me. She was nice as pie and said that she would bring them over when she picked up S16 today. She did.

She was at my house for about thirty minutes. This is after she said that she would never set foot in here again. She sat on my couch and we made small talk. I caught her looking at me deeply once. I just smiled. She turned away. I didn't ask ANY questions. She did all the asking this time. Why? I have no idea. Asked about my job hunt, a couple of questions about my blood pressure, the yard and stuff like that. To be honest, it was probably the most pleasant interaction we've had in a long time. It still wasn't how I want it to be, but it was nice for a change. I think a lot of it was because of how I acted. I am usually stupid and say something sarcastic or something that will piss her off. Not this time.

After she left we had a brief text exchange:

M: You looked nice today.

W: Thank you. I am starting to feel a little better since my surgery. Now I have to get my blood built back up and my thyroid fixed.

M: Well, I am glad you are doing better. It is good that you are getting things taken care of.

I have been talking to a female friend that really has an interest in me. I don't have one in her. However, she has a friend and a mother that have both gone through this in their 40's. Her mom was 46 and her friend was 43. My W is 44. She has given me a lot of great advice and insight.

The divorce is still moving forward. I got a "mediation conference" notice in the mail and it is scheduled for August 10th.

In Arizona, whenever there is a dispute over custody, both parents have to attend a parenting class. I attended mine last week.

I wish I could put a stop to this, but it is all in her hands. I've basically got 6 or 7 weeks for God to throw me a miracle.

That is basically all there is to report for now.

Thanks for everything.

Tad

Tad,

Keep your chin up. Really, the best we can reasonably expect out of the MLC implosion is to remain friends with our ex-spouses. Even if you have to fake it, it's worth it for your boys. The nature of the interaction between the two of you will define them as time goes on. You must be the better man at all times. Believe me, I've got a few choice words for my W I'd like to get off my chest, but really, what purpose would that serve? None, that's what. Also, keep all this bullsh!t way from your boys. Early on, I made mistakes in this regard and nearly alientated my girls in the process. No more.

Your W probably did what mine did. Entered MLC, worked out like a mad woman, and now looks the best she has in years. You think to yourself, man I'm one lucky slob. I mean she's beautiful, right? Then, BOOM! ILYBIDLY ... crap! Then she leaves you. Hooks up with a kook, and expects you to SMILE during all this! I mean, really? But you gotta do it, for your boys. She's out of her mind, so deal with her like you'd deal with any crazy person. Do not provoke them. My W's OM is one huge slacker, 45-year old stoner that lives with his aunt & uncle. OMG, how crazy is that? But really, as they say, OM is but a symptom and not the cause.

Tad, I have my good days and bad days. Today actually sucked. Missed her badly for no real reason. Do you have a close confidant that is not yet sick of listening to you? I've had to stop talking to all of my friends about this, as I was starting to look extremely pathetic. However, I am lucky to be close to my step MIL. She's been my salvation and supports my clandestine efforts to wait for my wife to work through W's MLC. Man, I know what you mean about GAL. Easier said than done, that's for sure when your full time parenting during all this. In you case, I mean, you are out of work with money stress on top of all this? Hang in there Tad, pray and know your are a good man. Most gals would be lucky to be with you and know what true love and live long loyaly are.

Keep the faith, Tad. Keep the faith.

World

For others, it might be helpful to post what you are learning, Tad. For yourself, please be careful to understand that what they went through is what they went through. Everyone is different, even though the similarities are there.

You are a good man Tad. You have to understand that this is not about you and the making you out to be evil is not what you are. It's what she creates in her mind. Why? Who really knows? But it is what it is.

The distance helps the most. Detaching is for YOU Tad. While it will help all around, a lot of that is because it is you getting better. Focus on you getting better. It'll make more sense later

Keep stepping Tad.

AJ