Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I am the devil....

Oh my, Tad, she is contacting you every day and you wish she wasn't? This is a HUGE thing you can do as a turnaround. Stop answering/responding. Unless it is TRULY an emergency, just don't answer a text/email/phone call. You don't have to give any explanation. Just ignore it.

My XH did this too--not as often, mind you, but every week on M or T night at the same time he'd throw a text my way or an email that would be just a sort of "I sent off for our marriage license duplicate; have you talked to your lawyer again?" Stuff like that. And because I was SO desperate for him to pay attention to me, because I told myself that maybe someday, he would be NICE, I fell for it. Over and over again. And invariably I'd end up hurting. My doctor noticed a pattern where I'd be in this bad depressed funk that I couldn't get out of and she'd retrace the steps and ALWAYS it began with him contacting me over "nothing important" and me responding. She said "homework this month is do not respond. Unless it is life and death, unless it is a very serious timely issue concerning the divorce settlement, do NOT respond." The first time that he contacted and I was about to, I came here and said "what should I do" and everyone said LET IT GO. And it was SO hard. But the more you do it, the less it hurts and the more you realize that you are more peaceful as a result.

Yep. Been my experience that this does happen.

FWIW, Tad, I tend to speak to strangers the same way you did to your wife. I ask them questions. I am genuinely interested and I am not interested in visiting them necessarily. I simply talk that way. But now you see the other side of how that is perceived. Think of it this way: if it wasn't you that is the bad guy, who would be in this situation? Is that acceptable? Is tihs a fairness thing?

Believe me, we've all heard same, worse, better. Same or similar patterns. Hell, I still do and once in a while it gets to me when I forget I agree to not respond - for your sake. Get some distance including emotional distance. You need an emotional rest at this point so you can focus on you.

I am SOOOOO happy to see your list of positives being posted and very happy to hear about the possible job. Good to hear

You can find people in areas such as facebook. If I post that, many people would be unhappy with me. That's a rule thing. But I'm in Raleigh and I think you can kind of figure out my first name from my sig

AJM

Thanks 25, Antonia and AJ.

25, I am not choosing to end it yet, but sometimes I wonder if I should and sometimes feel like a fool for having any little hope that I have.

Antonia, she usually doesn't contact me everyday. She just did last week for some reason. She hasn't contacted me since Friday.

AJ, like you, I talk that way and really was just trying to hold a conversation. I've looked for you a little bit on the alt.....still looking. I feel like a detective. Any more hints?

The last two days have been decent. Still waiting to hear about the job. I'm kind of in a funk today though. Spent all night last night dreaming about W.

I do have a question though.

If this is supposed to get easier for me with time, isn't it also getting easier for W? Just curious.

Today is laundry day. S18 and I will be spending the day at the laundromat. (W took the washer and dryer.)

I got a really big scare today. Got a letter in the mail from a law firm. I thought that it probably had something to do with our court date. I opened it after looking at it for a few minutes. Turns out that it was just junk mail. Thank God.

I was looking at a picture today of W and S18 that was taken a few weeks ago on S18's graduation day. For the first time, I realized that I really do not know this woman at all anymore. I wonder if the real W is still in there somewhere....

Tad

Tad, good question about whether if it gets easier for you, is it also getting easier for her. I have also wondered that myself. There are two answers to that question: First answer is, who cares? (well obviously you do) but you need to stop caring because that takes the focus on to her--and it implies that if it gets easier for her to detach if you detach, then because you don't want her to detach, you'll STOP detaching just to keep HER from detaching. Not saying you will do this, but you MIGHT if that's your reasoning.

The second answer to that question is that the pattern here seems to be that EVENTUALLY it's NOT easy for them. If they are in the infatuation stage of an affair, and in the MLC fog, our detachment theoretically might make it easier for them to go straight into the arms of the other person. But that infatuation stage doesn't last forever, and at some point, they ARE going to see the other person's flaws and they ARE going to stop romanticizing what they are doing, and at that point, they do NOT have us to fall back on. But we are talking years here for many people. It's like their affair has to break up, or they have to fall off the ledge that their quick change of life gave them temporarily, and that can take years. Most affairs break up in 6 months to a year, but some do not, and some people find another person to hide themselves in (or other sort of addictive behaviors). The point is that you can't get fixated on that in any way because by thinking about it, it controls you.

this is something I spent time pondering years ago...here's my take.

The WAS has a lot more to deal with than we do. YES, they do. Seriously, they have to keep wondering if they're right. They have to keep justifying and they have to worry about children if there are any, and what their future Rs will be like or if they'll be ostracized.


They also have to worry about US if they're not sure of their choice, and if they think they've lost us...


They have to cope with the financials and each cut or loss is something that sticks in their craw b/c as much as we felt victimized by their choices, they do too! And it's worse when the costly mistake is your own....



WE, OTOH, have no choice but to make the best of this painful sitch and grow and GAL....




We have no 2nd thoughts or self doubt when it comes to what we did. Sure, we reviewed our errors and owned up to our role in the demise of the m, but
then we did the work...SO




NOW, if we are doing our DB work, then we are on course and we don't have to keep looking over our shoulder. ---

they always will.


Make sense?

Wow 25years, you gave me a whole new way to think about this. I mean, you're so right. We know we did our best, and they will always question if they made the right move by us, especially any time anything goes wrong.

Ah 25. That is soooo very true.


Tad, I've had those exact same thoughts as I am sure many here have. I know from talking to others, that there are many things that are common such as this. Talking to others was part of my learning about what is and was going on. In the end, I totally agree that a) it doesn't matter what they do - they've proven time and again they will do it again. And b)... see a.



What they do is what they choose to do. What you do is what you choose to do. If you choose to worry about her and she chooses to not worry about you, then that's how it is but that's all it is, right? By the way, that is how it was when you were together as well. I can tell you that what she thinks is going to change with the wind. It's all valid to her, but it all changes so much that it's hard to see it. Step back and see that.

It just is.



If you're going to spend time worrying, worry about your sons and making sure they are ok. Really. I know I have spent a great deal of time doing that for my kids and for myself. I'm glad I did. I'm glad I kept my grace about me and I'm glad I reached out to people I could trust to not pick sides or judge either of us. It would be easy to hate. It would be easy to get wrapped into the downward spirals. It's easy enough without help

It just is, Tad. Looking back I can say I'm glad I did what I could. I'm glad I stuck to it as long as I did, even though I saw and felt her pain with it. Looking forward, if I had not done those things, I would not be....me. That would be the real damage if it happened. I would have been lost and I would have been lost without a good reason of my own. My kids would have really suffered if I had not done what I had done. No matter what, those actions and the health of my kids because of those actions cannot be undone by her or anyone else. That's worth everything, Tad. At least to me.

While I mourned the loss of my marriage and my best friend and wife, in the scheme of things I am not unhappy. I focused what I could on the important things and prioritized them properly for my values. I was tested, Tad. I stood up to that test and I have no doubts about me or my children at this point (my daughter a little, but I'll deal with that and I don't think for a second she won't be ok long term; I was there for her when she needed me most and as a father, that's worth it.)

From there, it was just a matter of finishing that mourning. See, I don't control her. I never did nor never wanted to. I still don't want to. I wish her the best and hope that this is not the end of her growth and story. I am grateful for the time we had, but I no longer look for a future with her. That's not going to be in my case.

In your case, your best way through this period of time with your wife is without her, Tad. The best way for the entire family is for you to go on without her. If she wants to reconnect, she'll find a way. If not, you will have tried everything you know to try and could have tried. And really, the best thing you can do for her is nothing as counterintuitive as that sounds. You are radioactive to her Tad. She is to you. Stay away and let her do what she does without you. Get past the fairness aspects. At this point it is WAY too early to see what will happen no matter how hard you try. But it will take longer if you keep trying to see what is going to happen. If you let happen what needs to happen, it will be much faster and you will be a better person for it.

Focus on those positives. Focus on you and the boys. You will be glad later that you did, even more so than you are glad now.

Like I mentioned before I'm in Raleigh. You can find me on FB. I have a picture at the moment of me and my son. I'm dressed in prison stripes Use the initials of the first and last name to figure out the name. Something to do at least, right?

Take care amigo.

AJM

Thanks 25, Antonia and AJ.

It has been a while since I last posted. Thought I would give everyone a little update on what has been going on. Basically, I'm just journaling because there is really nothing new to report.

* W had her surgery to control bleeding and had her tubes tied. Her biopsy came back negative. She let everyone know how it went except for me of course. She even sent my mom a text. (???)

* The job I was hoping to get fell through, but I may have another one in the works.

* W told S16 that I was being vengeful for asking for custody of him and asking for child support. She said if she got custody and I had to pay child support, she would give the money back to me. I don't believe her because when she first moved out, she asked me for $400 a month.

* W told me that she can understand why S18 is so upset with her, but at the same time accused me of brainwashing him. (???)

* When she left, she accused me of not letting her become a vegetarian. S16 says that she has a freezer full of meat. It's not that I wouldn't "let" her, I just didn't want to become one too.

* She has been reaching out to our kids more and trying to talk to them. She hasn't contacted me in over a week.

* I'm still trying to find a smaller place to live. Can't afford my house these days.

* I still have my days, but overall I am getting better. I feel like the more time goes on, the less hope there is.

* W's sister has removed me and two of my sons from her Facebook page. Don't know why.

* I feel like I have changed a little bit. I'm calmer and a little less high-strung. I seem to take things as they come better and really don't worry as much about things. What happens, happens.

* A couple of weeks ago when W was here for S18's graduation party, I was cooking hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill. I offered some to W. She said: "No. I don't eat that stuff anymore." A couple of days later, while S16 was visiting with her, she cooked hot dogs. (???)

* I still am waiting on a court date. The longer I have to wait, the better.

* W says that she would have given me a second chance, but she didn't because I was so angry about things when I found out about the internet dating site. On the other hand, she tells everyone that she did give me a chance. (???)

* W hardly has any contact at all with her "old" friends. She has alienated everyone.

* All 4 of my sons are with me again. I'm trying to get the older 2 out and get on with their lives, but no luck yet.

* S16 told me that if W gets custody, he would run away. He wants nothing to do with her. S18 doesn't even talk to her.

* W says that I didn't give her the time she NEEDED back in December when she first moved out. (That is when I was doing all of the wrong things.) She says that that is another reason that she didn't give me a second chance. Then again, she says that she did give me a chance. (???)

* I wish that she could see the damage she has done.

* W says that she has been unhappy since the mid 90's. I can remember her telling me in the past that those were some of her happiest times.

I think that is basically it. Like I said, I just wanted to update everyone on what has been going on in my sitch. I'm still nuts about her, but hope is fading fast.

Tad

Tad


And what does this tell you? Ya know I remember when I would keep looking at every action STBXW did or did not do….I would spend hours picking it apart. Guess what? It kept me stuck. Stop looking at her Tad….look at your life. Live your life for YOU.


Good luck!


It is so unfortunate that the children tend to get dragged into this. Tad, you cannot control what your W says to your son BUT you can control how you react and respond to it. As hard as it is, keep your kids out of it. Be dad. Be their rock! If this continues my advice would be to notify your L and you may need a GAL to assess what is going on. Journal the comments she is making …you may need to refer back to them.


And your response was? Bottom line your job is not to repair her R with your son nor is it to make it worse. Keep being dad! Allow your actions to speak buddy. As I suggested above…journal…journal.


If it didn’t sting I wouldn’t worry about it. She is going to continue to say what she FEELS…it is par for the course. Let it roll off your back.


Reaching out to the kids in a positive way is good for the kids. I made the mistake of thinking that her reaching out to the kids meant that she would reach out to me as well. She did not. Right now, the kids interest must be place first and foremost. Remember, she is in a crisis, nothing you can do EXCEPT…live your life as the man you aspire to be. i.e. your actions buddy…actions only.


For a long time I was worried that I could not afford this or that….Tad, you will find a way. Know this and believe it. Often we think gloom and doom, which is not always the case. Stay positive and think outside of the box. If you own your house contact the mtg company and see what you can do. Do NOT give up.


IF the hope you refer to is a reconciliation….well then maybe you are right…IF the hope is a belief in yourself and finding a much better place…well then buddy…hope is still alive!


Totally normal if ya ask me. They may need to distance themselves. Don’t take it personal buddy. They are suffering as well. You may come to realize later that in a way…it was a good thing that they did it.


If your W is traditional MLC, then she will want to control this. It is part of the process for her. You see, she may feel you control everything and NOW she is in control. Let her drive the process but defend yourself.



1) Her perception is HER reality 2) she will continue to say anything to herself, her friends and anyone to justify her actions 3) again…stop looking at what she is doing and start focusing on what you want to do.


Chances are they represent a life that she is running from. You Tad, must ask yourself can you be the light for her. Can you really let her go and live your life, a life that involves your kids, a life that is LIVED.


Be happy for this dude….at the end of the day….you will always be DAD. Your kids have ONE father and that is you. Some folks do not get this opportunity. Cherish it.


Listen and validate. Never bash mom to them…NEVER…let me repeat NEVER.


She may in time or she may not. Guess what, when you really start living for you it will not matter!


Ya know I know this feeling….I know it well. I live here for a long time…..a long time.. I thought that my life was over…that my family was destroyed…that financially I was screwed…that my kids would never recover…that I would never be happy. Tad, when I finally said or better yet really realized that this was so about her and nothing I did or said or didn’t do wouldn’t matter…well that is when how I looked at HOPE changed. That Tad is when I changed.

Hope…hmmmm…..

What is your hope?

Can you hope that your W is fine – even if that means she is not with you?

Can you hope that your kids are okay?

Can you hope for the best for you in your life?

What Tad makes you happy?

Is it only your W? Did she really define everything about you? Com’on dude, get up, stand up, celebrate what you have….

That is YOU…

Be grateful for the time you had with your W.

Wish her well….

Then….

Live man…just live…

Take a long weekend away…find something that you love to do and do it. F money. F what she says doesn’t say….

She fell in love with you for a reason buddy….

She fell in love with a MAN called Tad…where is this dude…

Find HIM and

YOU WILL HAVE HOPE!

You sound defeated...your not...dude, your LIFE just started..that is

Unless you have accepted defeat.

God Bless,
Eric

she sent everyone the info, including your mom, b/c she knew they'd tell YOU...

isn't that obvious? I could go line by line, as Eric has but why? (eric, thanks for doing it!)

You need to back off and detach a whole lot more...a WHOLE LOT MORE...

no more reading into everything...seriously. And why do it so negatively?
It's really self destructive