Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I am the devil....

...according to my W.

It's been a few days since I have posted and thought that I would give everyone an update. My previous thread is here:

Friday the 13th...I got served.

I continue to work on me and make improvements. Sometimes though, I lack motivation. I have realized that I'm not 100% sure that I want W back, but I would like a chance to see where it goes.

A lot has happened in the last few days, but really, things remain the same.

I struggle with the fact that she continues to hate and despise me. I find it impossible to believe that someone can be that way towards someone that they loved so deeply for so many years.

I do not pursue her at all. She does all of the contacting.

W lives on a college campus because she goes to school there and works there. S25 lives with her. Three nights ago, I got a call from her around midnight telling me to rush to her house. Turns out that S25 smoked something he shouldn't have. W had to call 911 and he was rushed to the emergency room. He is okay now, but I doubt that he has learned his lesson. After he was released from the hospital, she invited me back to her place and I stayed for a little while. He has since been banned from campus and will be moving back in with me. We spent about 4 hours together that night and everything was fine until I decided to leave.

W is having a procedure done this coming Thursday to see if she has cancer in her uterus. As I was leaving, the conversation went like this:

M: I hope everything goes well on Thursday.

W: Me too.

M: Will you let me know how it turns out?

W: Yeah.

M: Are you having it at XXXXXXXXXXX Hospital?

W: I'm not telling you.

M: Why?

W: Because I'm not.

M: Why? I'm not going to show up or anything.

W: It's none of your business and I'm not telling you.

M: I know. I'm the enemy.

W: Stop making more of it than what it is. I'm not telling you.

She then slams the door in my face.

The next day, she calls me and tells me that S25 will have to move back in with me. She also tells me that she was going to tell me where she was going to have the procedure done. Really? She told me the night before that it was none of my business. For the record, she has still not told me.

Yesterday, she got into an argument via text with S18 about our marriage. She mentioned many things that I did wrong. She blamed me for never getting a college degree. I didn't know I needed one to be married to her. I DID go to broadcasting school and had an amazing career on the radio for 23 years. I know in my heart that I did pretty well for us. She also said that she has been unhappy since the mid 90's. Our youngest was born in the mid 90's and from what I can remember, she was pretty damn happy. She told him that we got married way too young. That was the first I've ever heard of that.

She has also received my response to her D papers. S25 says that she was extremely upset. I'm only asking for what is fair. I think she thought that I would just rollover and let her walk all over me. The "old" me probably would have.

Anyways, that is what is going on. I am just waiting on a court date.

Tad

Tad my xh hates me to this day and it's been two yrs since we divorced.
I know he loved me more than anything. He cannot take that memory from me. We were married almost 20 yrs.
They are NOT the people we married so OF COURSE the can feel this way. They write their own stories.

As far as asking her questions...try not too....she will turn it into u being nosey and not letting go. You can't talk to her like you use to.

D you have GOT to try harder to understand she's not he same person and not take everything personally.

It's so hard....believe me I know.

Hugs,
Renee

Tad, I'm going to be brutally honest with you.

Your interaction was controlling.

AND then you pulled the woe woe woe is me card. GUILT TRIP!

Why did you really want to know where? Want to send her flowers? Just had to know? Why? Why? Why?

Pathetic isn't it?

Validate her. Let go. Her crisis. Enjoy interactions, but when you pull that crap, you do push her away.

Ask yourself why she hates you. When you get to the point where you don't HAVE to force her to feel she has to answer you, maybe you will just get the results you want.

Not trying to be a jerk, but that interaction was just pure bad.

Let go of "why" and accept you can take a higher path. If she's truly in a crisis, there isn't $h!t you can do about it. Period. Validate her, close the door when she leaves, and then just shake your head at it. Detach.

Thanks Renee. You are so right. She is not the person that I married. I just wonder how a personality can change so drastically and go from love to hate.



You got that right.

Thank you too Faith.



You are right as well. The interaction was a bad one, but I really was just trying to hold a conversation. She wants to be friends. I was just curious. I couldn't understand what difference it made if I knew. I should have dropped it though. I see that now.

Tad

Tad,

I have been doing this for a long time. I have been divorced since 2007. If you want to save your marriage you have to stop what you are doing. MLC is all about control, control, control, control........ Your wife is in MLC. They want control because they think that is how they are going to get their "fantasy" life.

When your wife makes a response like, "I am not going to tell you what hospital I am going to", you can say, "I totally understand your right to your privacy" and leave it at that.
I know this is hard. I made the same mistakes, learn from us.

My ex is still a monster to me and I kicked him out in 2006. He now has moments of being my old ex, but the monster still comes out. This is not about you, don't take in personally. I can tell you are, stop. They want to hurt you. Hurting people hurt others. They use projection to "feel" their emotions on someone else. That is how distorted and confused they are.

If you are going to make it through this, you have to change how you look at it and how you react. I know this is hard, but I can tell you have the motivation and ability to do this.

Tad

I may be way off base here but you asked what hospital she was going to for what reason? Stop for a second and think about it....

IMHO, you asked because of one of the following:

1) You were planning to stop by and visit her
2) You were going to send flowers or something alongs those lines
3) You wanted to find out exactly what was wrong with her or what was going on with her.

Here is what I hope you notice about the reasons you asked....

All of THEM....were to satisfy what YOU wanted. Period. You may it about YOU and YOUR needs.

Try and take a look at it from her perspective....

She does not want you RIGHT NOW so it make no sense that you would give two rats as* what happens to her.

She TOLD YOU want she wanted and you responded with "I'm the enemy". In short you wanted her to feel guilty. FTR, she will NOT feel guilt. At least not know and honestly maybe never. That thought is NOT your worry right now.

I agree with Faith...you wanted to guilt and control the sitch.

Has anyone told you the old rule of STFU?

If not, now is a good time to apply it.

A few things that you need to come to the realization about.

1) She is in CONTROL of HER LIFE and HER ACTIONS.

2) You are in CONTROL OF YOURS

3) YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TALK your way out of this

4) YOU cannot guilt or manipulate her. In her mind RIGHT NOW, she can see right through it.

5) You will need to totally let go of her.

6) Keep talking to her and it will get worse.

7) She is in pain and in a crisis and NOTHING YOU, I, friends, family, no one can do anything about.


I will say it again...let go.

Am I saying you should push the D? No. Am I saying you should stop standing? No.

What I am saying is let go, heal, work on your issues and go become the man that God wants you to be. Everything else, leave it up to God.

Save YOURSELF and realize one thing......

THis will pass, the feelings of despair, loneliness, depression, angst, anger, hopelessness, fear and GUILT......They will go away Tad, WHEN IT IS TIME FOR THEM TO GO AWAY. NOt a minute before and not a minute after. You can try and force yourself to be done...or


You can let go......

You have 3 children....protect them from this. Shield them from the bullchit...Heal yourself....take a long hard look at where you went wrong in your M and FIX that...as for your W.....

Well she is in God's hands now....

Realize this is the life SHE WANTED.....if you love her that much...

Give it to her...

Send her on her way in peace...

Show her by your actions that YOU RESPECT her choices and wished although you may not agree you respect them....then...get out of the way.

God Bless,

Eric

I realize, Tad, that when it comes to your kids you have to have interaction with her some times. However, you really have to train yourself to talk only about the kids with her and no more. I may be wrong but I think to some extent that the MLCer has a tendency to PULL us into conversations that go bad. I don't know if that is what happened here--if she brought up her procedure or you did--but if she did, then got all offended when you reacted with any controlling statements, it is like she baited you. If she feels miserable about herself, she wants to project that and blame someone else. She takes you, whom she KNOWS will react in a controlling way on some level as she knows you to be that way, and she starts that ball rolling. You act the way you always have with her; it validates her negativity towards you...bad interaction results.

I think sometimes the MLCer thinks aloud and that starts off these exchanges. Ex.: my XH and I never had kids by choice. We were ADAMANTLY opposed to having kids and he had had a vasectomy maybe 8 years into the marriage. And due to certain health issues with me in later life, I couldnt' have them if I chose to. So the last time he was here with me at the house, he was sitting on the couch and, in a sort of "thinking aloud" moment, randomly said, "You know my mom thinks she is going to get grandchildren out of me now. I told her no but she really thinks so and is telling the whole family this."

OH MY GOD did this push my buttons. I mean, I took this as "you denied me kids and maybe I wanted them", "my girlfriend is 28 and doesn't have the health issues you do", "my girlfriend is much more liked by my mom than you ever were as mom never liked you since you didn't like kids", "she is BETTER for me than you", "I'm going to marry her and have kids with her", I mean ALL THAT ran through my head. I wanted to die.

And I reacted with just outrage and it escalated.

Do I think he was trying to hurt me? In retrospect, no. I think he had no idea what he was saying, the enormity of it, of how I'd take it. He said it with this faraway look in his eyes that he got when MLC started.

So I agree with the other posters here that you were controlling--and you see it, and you'll hopefully act to change that. But another aspect of all this is that sometimes these people deliberately bait us into arguments because they KNOW our reaction and when they get it, they feel validated for their choices. "I told myself I left because he is XXX. Well, this is more proof, so I'm right." OR they bait us because they just think aloud with their crazy talk.

BOTH are dangerous, and the best thing we can do is NOT engage with them.

Practice saying a few stock phrases, things like "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry to hear that." "I'm going to get going now." And walk away.

Tad,

What Faith/eric/antonia all said...

also, while you say you are owning your issues, I don't get that from you.
Sorry, but there's something superficial about the way you say you are 'taking responsibility" for your part...of course I could be wrong. Just intuition I suppose. I cannot recall your 180s either.

Remember, the idea was that you'd show how m to you today, would be different than before.

I realize you come here to vent but it's also a great place to come and do some soul searching.

Finally, it occurs to me that there may be a reason she didn't want you at the hospital.

It's a female issue for one, and there are some "womanly ego" aspects to that which Antonia's post may enlighten you about...

and we don't know your history of taking care of her when she's sick.

are there any examples of that?

Is it possible she thinks you'd make it all worse somehow?

Just asking.

Wow. Honestly everyone, I wasn't trying to be controlling, but I see how it was. I was just trying to hold conversation, but I guess I should just apply Eric's rule of STFU. It is getting where I can't say anything to her. I guess I need to keep it to strictly business. It is very hard. She was my best friend for 25 years.

25, yes I am taking responsibility. I know there were a lot of things that I could have done differently. This isn't all her fault. I know that. My 180's have mostly been how I interact with her. Sure, I still make mistakes, but I am trying. An example would be: she always used to accuse of me of needing to have the last word. I don't do that anymore. Well, most of the time, but I am getting better. Practice...practice....practice.

When she has been sick in the past, which wasn't very often, I always took care of her. I'd do anything she needed. Make her soup, massage her feet, rub her shoulders, get her medicine...Hell, I did that when she wasn't sick. I spoiled her. I worshipped the ground she walked on.

Trusting, you are right. It is so hard not to take this crap personally.

Antonia, she actually started the conversation and I kept it going. I have often wondered the same things that you mentioned about them pulling us in.

Also to an answer an earlier post from AJ about the positives in my life, I have:

my friends and family

my health

a lot of good years ahead of me

a roof over my head

food on my table

a great personality

a God that I trust

a lot of abilities

people that care about me

and I have my sons...one of which just graduated high school and is making plans for college. I still have them and thank God for them everyday.

W has contacted me in one way or another atleast once a day since Tuesday. She has not contacted me today and I really hope that she doesn't. Sure I'd like to talk to her, but I don't want to hear her hate and I don't want to risk making things worse.

I continue to look for work and for a smaller place to live. I hope to be in a new place by August. I just can't afford this one anymore and to be honest, I want a smaller place and to simplify my life. I may also have a job. I hope to know more by next week. It isn't anything glamorous or anything close to being on the radio, but it is a job.

I really do appreciate everyone's comments. Some of them sting (25) but it is stuff that i need to hear. I also understand that I need to take this opportunity to make myself a better person, but the ultimate goal is still to save my marriage. I feel like I am running out of time. No court date yet, but it is coming.

Thanks again.

Tad

unless you choose to end it

I don't really buy that it is ever irrepairable.

There's usually hope even if it is well hidden. At one point I told my sister that "my m has a 10% chance of working out"...

Even when it's over, it's not over. People remarry their exes, it does happen.

Maintain your dignity and you'll have no regrets.

Once you really do own your role in this and change those traits that need changing

then leave the future of the R up to God.

Make sense?