I have been trying to be strong and set the groundwork to follow the 5 donts that were pointed out by FaithnAK.
More than five. I broke it out of the quotes, so you don't have to scroll it. I recommend copy and paste on Word and print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have too.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Later, that evening I went in to watch TV and WOW she was pleasant! Even offering me a snack of nachos. We exchanged small talk like usual, but something was different and that was her tone. It was friendlier and her coldness to me had thawed slightly.
I recommend that when you find positives, that you journal it out and ponder as to what you did differently and continue to do the same thing. Patiently and consistently.
Also, if you see her pull away from you, try to identify what you did and don't repeat it.
You sound much better, but if you get weak or need to vent, post it here.
The difference I see it is that until reading DR I was pushing her away by being needy and forcing talk of the R. While reading DR on Thursday, I texted her to apologize for the pressure I had been applying and until that point and also let her know that she was about to witness a renewed effort from me, and asking for some time and her patience. Now I HAVE TO stick to the plan.
You've done this one time and that's ok. Please don't do this again. It was honest and true gesture on your part, but it will put pressure on her. Your actions are more important than any words you can say right now.
When she presents her issues to you (in an R talk SHE begins and only if you cannot extricate yourself...)
You listen...and listen some more. No defending...
But if she says something insanely untrue, you can say "wow, I don't recall it that way but I'm sorry you felt hurt"
and if she says something that rings true, like maybe you did blow it or do something off,
then you say "if I had it to do over, I'd do a lot of things differently"...
she cannot argue with either approach of yours and you are owning your issues in the second example.
that's all you have to say and only if you are forced... point is, you're showing that marriage to you from this day forward,
would be different than before. That's key.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Good to hear from you today. If time allows, I hope you can post at least once a day until things are better for you.
May I suggest that you try to realize that there could be more bombs to come, if you see her actions and words being as such. You are very wounded, and sadly...she will probably say or do more that will hurt you if your emotions are based on her. Remember me saying that most of DBing is within yourself? Well, you have to decide that you will be happy based on "you" and not on what your W says or does. Otherwise, you will be most miserable by placing all your happiness in her hands. It sounds romantic and loving, especially in wedding ceremonies, but happiness has to be a personal choice. The first time I heard that, I thought it was crazy, but several years down the road...and I found it to be true.
Now, here's the trick....you don't need to tell her all of this. Just kind of keep that to yourself. As you become more confident and happier with yourself, it will show to everyone around without you telling them.
Oh, you won't feel that way for a while, b/c you have some stuff to work out and discover....but if you keep at it, you can get there. Don't give her the power of destroying you. Set about to have a positive mental attitude in spite of what she does. Make that one of your daily goals.
I want to give you a warning. She will say or do little things that will cause your hopes to soar, if you don't stay grounded here at the DB Board. Just like her showing a lighter mood one day and maybe darker the next. You can't let that dictate what "your" feelings will be or she'll yank you all over the place. So, if she decides to carry on a civil conversation while watching TV with you, just accept it as that....and don't make any more out of it.
Playing with the kids is good. Nothing can warm the heart of a woman like hearing laughter from her children.
I agree wholeheartedly about being mysterious. For example, instead of you showing her all the new clothes you bought, wonder what she would have thought if you had just come in one morning wearing new threads and looking very handsome. Before you say that that's just not you.....let me point out how "changes" are what you're striving to accomplish. So, when you have these little chances, take them.
This may sound silly to some, but it works, especially with a WAW. She needs to see you looking great. She needs to see a man that other women could be easily attracted to...and let it hit her that she doesn't want to set him free.
Quote:
I am not able to drive due to the fact that my vision is very poor. So, I depend on her sometimes to drive me where I need to go. I try to keep it minimal, but I am worried that she sees this as a weakness and although it would be shitty for her to admit it, she resents it.
Have you had this vision problem for some time, or is there anything that could be done to make you see better? IMHO, women resent their H's when he doesn't take the steps he knows would make him much better. If nothing can be done to help your vision and she sees this as your manliness affected....that is very sorry on her part. I would suggest that you give her plenty of advance notice when you are going to need her to drive. I would make sure that she not say anything that sounds disrespectful toward you b/c your children will learn from her, and it isn't good. Don't be too quick to apologize for needing her to assist you, and of course, keep your dignity and don't act clingy or helpless.
Quote:
I texted her to apologize for the pressure I had been applying and until that point and also let her know that she was about to witness a renewed effort from me, and asking for some time and her patience.
Okay, so don't do this anymore. Also, don't ask her if she notices any improvement or changes in you. "That" is what sounds needy and weak. No more talk about you or the R (from you), just do the work. It will take a long time before she'll be convince that the changes will stick.
Quote:
My glimmer of hope from yesterday has proved to me that this program could work, as long as I stay strong and stick to it. For the first time in a long time I feel encouraged.
And, this program works when you aren't encouraged and don't see much hope. That's when you will really need to stick with it.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well... yesterday was a good day again. Overall I stuck to the plan and kept myself busy. I also was upbeat and used humor to keep the mood light. Also it helped me to go to church. My wife was in a good mood and that helped a lot.
I know that things are moving in the right direction. Thank you everyone for helping me keep on track. I will follow your advice. I like the journal idea and am going to keep one on my IPod where it is private. I have a couple of self help books on the way from Chapters dealing with anger management. I am not abusive but when I get frustrated I yell. It's how I release the pressure (like a pressure cooker). I want to use these books to channel that negative energy more constructively. I also ordered a self help anger management book for the kids too. My youngest is showing signs of AM issues so lets help her beat that too. I know that by me focussing on it and working with her will help us both. This will also help me at work. Btw... Stress leave over after 2 days I am going back to work to get my life back on track.
I feel REALLY GOOD about my changes. I don't like the man I had become, but I like the man I'm becoming. I am excited to be a better role model for my kids and to feel better about me. I will not give in.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Well... yesterday was a good day again. Overall I stuck to the plan and kept myself busy. I also was upbeat and used humor to keep the mood light. Also it helped me to go to church. My wife was in a good mood and that helped a lot.
I know that things are moving in the right direction. Thank you everyone for helping me keep on track. I will follow your advice. I like the journal idea and am going to keep one on my IPod where it is private. I have a couple of self help books on the way from Chapters dealing with anger management. I am not abusive but when I get frustrated I yell. It's how I release the pressure (like a pressure cooker). I want to use these books to channel that negative energy more constructively. I also ordered a self help anger management book for the kids too. My youngest is showing signs of AM issues so lets help her beat that too. I know that by me focussing on it and working with her will help us both. This will also help me at work. Btw... Stress leave over after 2 days I am going back to work to get my life back on track.
I feel REALLY GOOD about my changes. I don't like the man I had become, but I like the man I'm becoming. I am excited to be a better role model for my kids and to feel better about me. I will not give in.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Anger Management though? Anything you can share about this in your marriage? Issues like these can be a "form" of abuse. Share if you wish. I had issues as well. Believe it or not, alot of it comes down from self esteem issues. In which you seem too be really working on. Good job!
Your road to change is positive. You don't know me or any of us, but please, if you EVER need to vent....come here and VENT. We will continue to support you without judgement.
Remember #37 Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
My wIfe kept mentioning "walking on eggshells" and I know anger has been a problem with me. My job is very high stress and I know (although it try not to) that the stress does come home with me. My trigger is disrespect. When my wife and I argued in the past she has shown disrespect and then I get angry and yell. Me identifying anger is part of my epiphany on Sunday. Although she didn't come right out and say that was a big factor in her letter bomb, I know that those are the eggshells she was referring to me when I approached her about the letter bomb. I have an appointment with my therapist on 06/13 and we will discuss my AM issue there. My wife had commented in the past that she didn't like it when her father yelled when she was a kid either. My wife avoids confrontation which is a big reason why she avoided expressing her feeling with me in the past and present, hence which is why her cup is full. I guess it all come back to trust. I am working on keeping my cool and now that it is top of mind, I haven't lost my cool with anyone for a few days now (not that it happened on a daily basis before). I can do this. I want to regain her trust and more importantly I want to keep that impulse under control.
Diligently working on my 180 J
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I broke it out of the quotes, so you don't have to scroll it. I recommend copy and paste on Word and print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have too.