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I see where you are coming from Harrier. My point/thought on this as I typed it was the whole infidelity, cake-eating, walking away before trying everything aspect. I still feel the fidelity 'rules' apply.

But did I play nicely? No, I didn't. I had passive-aggressive tendencies, a bit of a martyr complex, low self-esteem and a whole host of other issues I dumped onto my W's lap. I started falling for someone else in the middle of W's R with OM (trust me, it didn't help:) I think one of the reasons we matched up so well is because we were both flawed in many of the same ways!

I might not completely agree to this interpretation of 'rules', but I do understand it and see your side. In either case, I need to go out there and play with honour, no matter what the other team does!

Why do you think that is? Really? it's not a hard question.

Maybe because for years, many years the LBS didn't play by the rules in the marriage. WAS aren't walking because they don't play by the rules. They are walking because WE DIDN'T play by the rules. We, the LBS, played DIRTY for years in our own little ways.

Many still don't play by the rules even with DB. God knows I'm as guilty as he next spouse.

Some once said on here, that it's rare for someone to leave a good solid, functioning relationship. They just don't.

FaithAk is giving you some solid advice and I know you will read this post if you have not already.

My guess is that she will text then she will call then she will call again. When you do not respond she will become furious but will continue to call.

A few reasons for this:

1. She feels justified in her actions
2. She wants to bait you
3. She wants to temp check you
4. She wants to re-establish control

And finally the biggest one

5. Fear

Fear of losing control
Fear of losing you
Fear that your changes are real and she blew it
Fear that you meant what you said

Now the fear you run is that if you are not done and she go dark it will only reinforce her reason for leaving. What changes have you made if your behaviour is the same as before right?

Don't fear this. Your reaction to finding OM in the house is a clear indication that you are not the same.

Your calmness when she attacked you is a clear indication that you are not the same.

She knows this

If the calls continue simple reply will do

"I need time and space right now"

"I am not ready to talk to you at the moment"

"I am sorting through how I feel at the moment"

Or any combination of the three. Any more is to much any less is not enough.

You fear that she will just throw her hands up in the air and say "screw it" but it is not in going dark that's going to make her think. It is in the way you do it.

The exit strategy is just as important as the goal itself.

Any of those statements does not indicate that you are ready to tell her to go f off. They all leave her wondering what is going on and what is going to happen.

That is good because it is then that she will be forced to look in the mirror and think.

If you slam the door in her face she is justified.

She was right (in her mind) and it will take her longer to realize that she blew it.

After you have made your statement then you go and take the time you need. AS LONG as YOU need it.

Her initial contact with you will be over little unimportant things. Of that I am sure. Then when she gets no response she will become irrate. Let her!!!!

If you operate out of fear you will lose not only your self respect but your chance to save this thing if you even want to.

Not the time to make that decision.

Hope all is well, or as good as it can be.

If you operate out of fear you will lose not only your self respect but your chance to save this thing if you even want to.

Denver you big tease...

if you can take your wife's anger and batchit stuff....

you can probably handle our "feedback"