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My husband wants a divorce after almost 28 years. He told me ten months ago that he didn't want to be married to me anymore because I had been controlling, got us into debt with my spending, argued and didn't respect him. We had our bad moments, as any long term marriage does, but he never once said he was unhappy in the marriage. He stuffed feelings for a long time. Although he was right to a degree, I honestly wasn't as bad as he said. Nevertheless, I made a total turnaround. Got a full time job, stopped spending money, etc. Well, two months later he confessed that he had a brief affair earlier in the year, but ended it and was ashamed. But he said it was the result of the breakdown of the marriage, not the cause. He also had a lot of stress due to not getting business due to the economy (he is self employed) He agreed to give it time, but things got worse because I kept wanting to talk about the problems, and he needed to concentrate on getting work. So he moved out (he stays with his mom) but continued to call every night and would come home almost every weekend. He kept saying he loved me, but didn't want to be married to me anymore. He said we weren't healthy together. Two months later, he agreed to go to counseling. He never really tried, in my opinion. We went for two month and he announced 7 weeks ago that he was filing for divorce. I received papers last week. He refuses to try anymore. While we were "working" on the marriage, I did the wrong things. Begged, pleaded, etc. It made it worse and now I am SO MAD at myself. I may have had a chance and I blew it. But when he announced that he wanted a divorce, I did things the DB way. I left him alone, contact came only from him, etc. It almost seemed to be working. He called a few times, ending the calls with "I love you" even calling me "babe" a couple times. When he comes to mow our lawn, he usually takes me to dinner or lunch. When we do talk on the phone, he always ends with "I love you". Yet I still got divorce papers. I did argue with him after I received the papers (wrong I know but I honestly was surprised to get them. I thought he was softening). I am so incredibly heartbroken I can barely breathe. This man is the love of my life. I honestly never saw this coming, and no one else did either. Everyone thought we were great together. Our kids even said they felt they were lucky because their parents loved each other still and many of their friends had divorced parents. I am so shocked and sad. Last night we went out to dinner and had a wonderful time. Afterward, he gave me a long hug. In my car on the way home, I cried my eyes out. I miss him so bad I can't stand it. I have made so many changes in the last ten months and have really grown. I honestly feel I am becoming the woman he always wanted me to be. But he doesn't want to stick around to see it. He says we aren't compatible, I don't share his dreams, we don't have "synergy", etc. Someone PLEASE tell me how to stop this divorce! I will do anything! It is wrong! Our kids (ages 21 and 24) have cut off their relationship with him because they are sickened by his actions. They are wonderful, moral, Christian young adults who always adored their father. Our daughter is getting her Doctorate in Physical therapy from a prestigious university. Our son is applying to Medical Schools. Everyone says, "If your marriage was so bad all these years, you couldn't have raised such wonderful kids" True! So again, someone please tell me what to do! Is it ever too late??? What should I do now that he has filed? Can any DB coaches offer any advice?

To get a db coach you hire them. They are essential, imo. I had a mc (actually went thru a few before I found one who was truly pro-M and consistent with DBing) but I also had a DB coach, whom I called on the phone. I ended up having about 12 sessions over 18 months (I can't recall how long really) but she was a Godsend.

Advice here is generally excellent. If you here from others in your exact stage, they can be too angry so you have to weed that stuff out, but you can lean on each other for support in even those cases. Most of us have been where you are so you are in the right place.( I suggest you post in the newcomers forum, btw, I didn't notice where this was placed)

It's not too late but clearly it would be better if things had started sooner.

Do you have the Div Busting books? Get them and read them and implement them if you have not started already. There, you will find a lot of specific advice and "how to" advice. So start there and come here.

Having said that, you already know some important things. Since we base our approach on the radical but simple idea that one does what works to make the m better and does NOT do (or does less of) that which hurts the m, you are at an advantage.

Why? B/c you already know what helps your situation and what does not.

Chances are, your h does not believe your changes are real, but rather they are "Tactics" to win him back. Chances are, part of that is true.

IF the changes are real and for the right reasons (ie to make YOU a better person) then in time, he'll see that. THEN he'll have to react. But his reaction is also irrelevant since you made the changes b/c you wanted to be a better you. This way, your life improves no matter what.

Sounds as if he really values the times you get along. That's great.

However, if he has another woman, (I'm not saying he does but it is often a factor) then you will have to let that sort itself out. Most affairs do not result in marriages and those that do, most often end in divorce. There's nothing you can do to change that EXCEPT what we are saying here.

I'm not sure why your kids are angry at him. You have admitted that you drove him away. What is he doing that makes them angry at him? It's not as helpful to your cause as you think. It's best to keep the road home, paved and smooth.

Also, don't worry about his "marital revisions" of how he suffered. Those are necessary for him to justify leaving. IF you confront and challenge those revisions, he'll defend them.

Back off. You can say " I don't recall it that way but I'm sorry you were hurt." Or if he points out a legit issue you do regret, say something along the lines of "If I had it to do over, I'd do a lot of things differently." And don't go on any further. That comment shows you can change.

You don't want to argue. But you want him to see (not "here" about it from you) that marriage to you now, and from this day forward, would be different than it was.

If you cannot behave differently, over time, then he won't come back b/c the m as it was, got him out the door.

So you can't keep telling him he was really happy. (But trust me, a lot of our WASs would deserve Oscars if they were that miserable but acted happy in front of us).

Keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth. Don't make it any harder for him to come back if he wants. But do not "wait" for him.

You have pursued, pleaded, and begged and it pushed him out the door. It did NOT work.
Sooo
Do something different. (This will make more sense when you get the books by MWD...do so asap).

(Before I say anything else, please tell me you have seen a L. Your h has filed, so this is NOT TO make things worse, but to protect yourself. With you having an income now, and his going down, you could be in trouble. Knowledge is power and it's very empowering to lower your financial fears. It made me realize I was choosing to stay m b/c I wanted to give us our best shot. Not b/c I feared being on the streets...make sense?)

Back to Dbing
You have to do 180s (some of which you have, good for you!) and you

you must Get A Life ("GAL"). That means meeting new peopple and doing things you always wanted to do. It takes your mind of the situation which lessens the likelihood of you pursuing him and obsessing.

That must stop. No more tears or anger in front of him. LOSE THE ANGER...at least in front of him. It's not attractive. He won't come back b/c of guilt.

Hand the pain and anger over to God and don't go taking it back the next day.
Just turn it over to Him b/c it's too much for you now. Been there, done that. It helps to calm you too.

You need to back off so that he can hear that little voice in his head saying "WTH are you doing??" Trust me, in the silence of the night, he wonders...

You need to give him the space so he can examine his choices and not have to defend them b/c you are in his face challenging them.

You need a little mystery in your life so the idea of HIM LOSING YOU, finally crosses his mind.

Do you understand that? Maybe next time he comes over to do the lawn, you thank him, leave him a meal to eat but you have to go to "meet a friend for lunch" and be vague...And when he sees you, you must always look your best. NEW Perfume, some new outfits/ clothes that are a little snazzier than he usually saw you in, maybe a newer fashion. Nothing insane or over the top but GOOD LOOKING, and no tattoos (unless you like that stuff) but become the "new, fresh, different, sexy, upbeat, happy, good w/a bright future- woman."

That's GAL....and it's probably a 180.

You are countering the negative images he makes in his head to justify leaving, with positives. You are contrasting the negatives with positives.

Those will eventually undermine his negatives or he'll see that his "data" about you is old or wrong or never was accurate...

Don't fuel the negatives. Make sense?

Welcome to a supportive environment for a lousy situation.

Get the books today. Begin reading and come here often. Do NOT tell him you got the books or are changing or doing this "new thing"....

Do not initiate Relationship talk. ("R" talk). That is pursuit and it did not work. Do not do what does not work. Do what does work.

Ask yourself every time you think you want to say or do something vis a vis him, "what is my goal here? Will it help me get closer to it...?"

Lots of time the goal ends up being "I want to hurt him" when the LBS (Left behind Spouse) is honest.

Boy does that backfire. Anger just fuels their negative images....and by the way, anger consumes US...and usually doesn't hurt them at all.

Hanging onto our anger to hurt them, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes...

Good luck, keep posting.

Thank you 25yearsmlc
Today I spoke to my husband on the phone because I am meeting with my lawyer for the first time tomorrow. I wanted an explanation as to how we are going to afford all of this with his business struggling. He said "We'll just deal with it" He said his lawyer said it should be simple. I told him I would be contesting it, not that I wanted to be difficult, but rather that I cannot say honestly, under oath, that our marriage is irretrievably broken. I said I hoped he could understand and respect that. I asked him how was he able to sign that statement, and I asked him if he really thought our marriage was impossible to fix. He didn't answer. But he seemed to get crabby after that. I said I wish he could have taken that money and spent it on a romantic vacation for us (we never did because I spent too much money- a definite problem in our marriage. But our counselor thinks I spent money to fill a void because my husband is a workaholic and doesn't spend enough time with me) My husband replied that he would have wanted to but didn't have the money. To which I replied "But we have it for a divorce?" It makes no sense. Anyway, although I know it wasn't wise, I went into a long talk about how I wish he would slow down, take the divorce off the table, and see how things progress. He said he doesn't trust me. I said how will he see if he doesn't try. I asked if he'd consider it, and he said he would. But I doubt he will. He asked to pray with me, and in the prayer asked God to "help us keep loving each other and do thy will" Can you believe that? Divorce is not God's will.
I really was doing well with not lecturing him, but I think that now the divorce has actually begun, I feel pressure. I'm "on the clock" so I feel panicky. I was doing ok while I hadn't received papers. I thought I had time.
I did hire a DB coach, Laurie, and spoke with her today. She was awesome. She gave me great advice as well as hope. She seemed encouraged by the fact that my husband seems to want to be with me. I just worry that he will get lonely and find someone else (I need to add that he is very handsome, and very sweet) Since he already had an affair, now that we are in the process of a divorce, maybe he feels single? Plus he doesn't have our weekends together and nightly phone calls. And does not have sex. (That remained active until he told me he wanted a divorce 7 weeks ago) So there could be the loneliness now.
I don't believe there is anyone else, simply because up until 7 weeks ago, we talked on the phone every night, he came home on weekends, spent Valentines Day and Christmas with me, etc. Plus our counselor thinks a lot of the reason he wants a divorce is because of not wanting to face his guilt and shame. His affair was so out of character. Having said that, I will never know for sure. He did have an affair, so he is capable of lying and sneaking around. I don't totally trust him. But I feel fairly certain there is no one else.
25yearsmlc, you have helped so much. Lots of great advice as well as hopeful comments. I really feel, if given enough time and NO NEW RELATIONSHIP, my husband would eventually come to his senses. But what I wonder is, if he truly was unhappy, what's to miss? Everyone says he will miss me, but will he if he wasn't happy?
The other huge challenge I have is that no matter how much I concentrate on strategies, etc, I get absolutely SWALLOWED UP by grief and sadness. Every song, restaurant, even certain foods at the grocery store, can make me cry. Including dating, we have been together nearly 30 years. Since college. I have an incredible amount of memories, and no matter how I try to feel angry at him, instead I just feel so much love for him, and so much sadness. I just want him back. The grief is unbearable. Laurie, my DB coach, said not to think about the future, only about today. Otherwise it will cause too much anxiety and my husband will see that.
So, anyway, wish me luck at the lawyer's. I feel like throwing up, because going to a lawyer makes it all so real. Divorce is something that only happens to other people. Not us. I am still in shock. But I have been given good advice from you, as well as Laurie.
Thanks so much.
Kermit

Hi Kermit,

I can only tell you I am so going thru exactly what you are, I feel the same pain, the rollercoster ride of emotions down to the food in the grocery store. I sometimes can't even read these forums without crying. My situation is so similar I could have wrote your words myself. My husband came to me 3 months ago and said the same thing, I to had been out of work (certainly not by choice) but do have a job now. We have been together 26 years (m 23) and he truly is the love of my life. I have taken so much for granted and the pain is unbearable.
Although he has not filed yet he has put paperwork together off a website (really after 23 years) this is a man who not only did I ever think would say those words really cherished me.
All I can tell you I have been doing is laying low and being positive. I to have a DB coach but I feel the same urgency you do. As hard as it is, stay focused , positive and take care of you. I also pray about it all the time because we can not change their minds they have to figure it out. But we can change our actions, I do believe we get in life just what we are supposed to at the time, to fix what we need to fix....

well it's great he wanted to pray with you.

You're not truly "contesting" it in the sense that you cannot stop it. The marriage is no longer something both parties have to agree to (remember on the show "Dallas" where Joan Collins would say "I won't GIVE you a divorce!"? well today, it's the state that grants them so all someone who opposes the divorce can do, legally, is slow it down some, fyi)

Were you sort of pursuing him when you told him about the Legal costs? I mean, why'd you even tell him?

Just seems like a way to trigger a fight (or to scare him-backfires) but at least you guys prayed.

As I said, and I assume Laurie, you cannot keep challenging and arguing with him. It's a form of pursuit-the whole discussion of money for Lawyers just reminds him of your spending baggage...plus, You're cornering him into action, (so he filed), and that helps cement his choices.

Back way off please. NO R TALK...

and remember, (but don't say this to him!)

that 1/3 of divorces filed, never get finalized.

so who knows?

But Do NOT PANIC as it is destructive to you and your cause. It's not attractive and it's a bad idea. Get a grip, take a breath. Know that there is nothing you can say right now, that will change his mind. Nothing. No secret sentence will fix this. So back off and give him the feeling of being free and un-attached...why? So he can start examining his choices without someone saying "WHY are you doing this??"

BTW, my DB coach told me that questions beginning with "how can you do...?" or "Why are you doing...?" are structured for the person hearing it, to feel defensive. So avoid questions like that.

A good example is the question you asked about how you two can afford lawyers...I know why you said it, but still, it just made him feel defensive, so that made him take the offense and it reminded him of how much you spent...and that's why there were no vacations, etc....it completely backfired on you. Do you see this?

When your h feels free and unemcumbered and not "trapped"....he'll have the space and room to really look around and say, "gee, maybe the grass is greener where it gets the most water..."

He may have to divorce to feel that, but he may not. IF YOU BACK OFF enough...we'll see.

As for cake eating and those choices re; sex, you decide. Don't let others tell you what to do. It's incredibly personal.

But let's talk about DBing b/c you skimmed over some stuff that is really important...

What are your 180s? And what are your GAL activities? Any mystery possible?


Oh, and you have Not told him about DB right? Please don't.

They are never "convinced" by a book you hand them, and the WASs usually feel manipulated if they see the DB books, so your changes won't be trusted or seen as real...and it's key that he believes your changes are real.

Do you get that? He has to believe your marriage can be better, and that means he must believe in the changes you are making. NOT saying you are doing, but actually changes you are making...

These 180s and GAL activities matter a great deal. Do not underestimate this.

Keep posting!

you are getting great advice, may I suggest two books? in reverse order for a reason, "Commited" by Elizabeth Gilbert, and "Eat, Pray, and Love".

The hurt will eat you up, fill yor head with good reads, KNOW that you can and will do fine, with or without him, is it imperative you reach this resolution, until then, you will condem yourself to hold your breath and be walking on eggshells until he is ready, if he will be ready at some point, to come back.

Let him go, that silly poem about letting something go and if it comes back it was meant to be yours is true, the harder we hold on to someone the faster they want to escape. My prayers your way, I know you will be fine))))

Thank you 25yearsmlc and cat03 for your kind responses,

I was up till 3 am last night reading different threads, and felt some strength from that. Just knowing others feel what I feel makes me feel that I'm not alone. And the advice I get here is incredibly valuable.
Saw the lawyer yesterday. I like her and she supports my desire to slow things down as much as legally possible, so that maybe my husband will reconsider. I can only hope. I am aware, 25yearsmlc, that contesting will not stop a divorce if he wants one. I just cannot get myself to sign something I absolutely do not believe or support just so I can make things "easy" on him. I look at this as a suicide. The self inflicted death of a marriage. And I WILL NOT be the one to load the gun with bullets. I love my husband, and I told my lawyer I will not do anything whatsoever to hurt him. I will not make decisions on revenge. I have no desire to cause him pain. My goals are A) to save my marriage if at all possible, and if I cannot, I want to be able to say to myself, and my kids, that I did everything in my power to stop it and B) if I cannot stop it, I need to protect myself and make sure I don't live in poverty
25yearsmlc, In answer to your questions: as far as GAL, I have done a lot. As I mentioned, I am now working full time (same job, working with autistic children, just now more hours), which I love. I have made a lot of new, supportive friends in this journey, who spend time with me, as well as my old friends. I try to be with people as much as possible. I go to Bible study, and just signed up to volunteer at a Christian radio station in our town. I really am trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of him. It isn't working.
I haven't told him about DB, and I won't.
As far as the sex, it is no longer an issue. Before "D day", when we were still working on the marriage, he came home every weekend and slept in our bed together. Now, I don't see him much, and he never sleeps here. Plus, even when he hugs me and gives me a kiss, he is very cautious and guarded. Like he is trying not to be romantic or take things any further. All I keep thinking is, he couldn't control himself when tempted by the woman he had the affair with, but he can control himself with his wife? It hurts.
I agree I need to stop any arguing. I never plan on it. I say one thing, he comes back with a comment, then me, and we're off... But I absolutely HAVE to control it. The DB coach, Laurie, said I have to make every interaction count. They need to be positive.
So today started out decent. Had breakfast with a friend, who still can't believe that my husband, who everyone thought was the perfect husband, is doing this. I can't either.
Then my husband emails, then calls me, about some household business (getting our lawnmower repaired, turning on the lawn sprinkler system for the summer) and says he will be by sometime in the next few days. I ask him if he knows when, because I need some paperwork from him for the lawyer. I said I hated how this has made us opponents. It slipped out of my mouth, then I changed the subject. He said he wants our son (who is home from college for the summer) to take over mowing the lawn. I thought to myself, bummer, because that is usually when we went out to eat together. Now there is no reason for him to see me. But at the end of the call, although I didn't get an "I love you" this time, he called me "babe". My DB coach said to pay attention to "slips of the tongue", like calling me babe (An affectionate term) and twice (including today) he has said he will be coming "home" to do something, pick up something, etc. He doesn't say "come by the house" or "come over" he says "home". He hasn't lived here since December. My daughter said once. "You know, mom, I think Dad wants a divorce in his head, but his heart isn't so sure..."
So, anyway, every time I talk to him I get SO incredibly sad. I miss him so much I can't stand it, and living in our home, that we raised our kids in, that we will have to sell, is just about killing me. The memories. The tree he and the kids planted for me for mother's day one year. The sloppy, but precious, paint job the kids and he did in the kitchen as a gift to me. The wedding pictures. The corner in the living room where we put the Christmas tree. The bedrooms where we use to tuck our babies in at night. The fireplace he and I sat in front of on romantic nights. THIS IS SO WRONG I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!! How can he just be so cold about this? But as my friend says, he is removed from it. He isn't living in the house we've lived in for 22 years. He is at his mom's, 40 minutes away. I have to pass the restaurants, shops, etc that we have gone to for years. He doesn't.
Just like God says in the Bible..."I HATE DIVORCE!" I may not have much control over the outcome, but I will fight this with everything in me. I can't wrap my head around this. I can't even believe it's what he wants deep down. Talked to our marriage counselor about this yesterday- it's like when someone commits suicide. They don't really want to die. They just want the pain to stop. My husband, in my opinion, doesn't really want me gone from his life. He just wants the pain to stop. But I'm not the source of all his pain. He has his own issues, but wants to make them all about me. The counselor says he has been co dependent (my husband feels he has, too) but that stems from HIS issues, not our marriage. That can be fixed. He also, according to our counselor, has communication and intimacy issues, which likely started in childhood. Now, at age 49, he is evaluating his life, and rather than fix the things wrong, he wants to shut down emotionally and run away.
SO, I am off to Divorce Care group. Sorry these posts are so long. But it is really therapeutic! Thanks everyone for reading.

as much as you cannot wrap your brain around this, you will have to.

I agree with your priorities, saving the m first, and if not, handling yourself with dignity but not at your expense or financial suicide (my words).

But you do have to figure out a way to know that no matter what, you will survive...b/c you will.

I'm sorry you are here. But it's the right place, for a lousy reason.

((( hugs )))

try not to spend a lot of time thinking how "wrong" this all is, and how unfair.

IT slows our forward movement and when you really think about it,

it's unproductive. Thinking positively and upbeat about your own future, is not going to hurt your cause.

Never believe that somehow you making the best of things is going to go against you. That's a lie we tell ourselves so we can stay stuck in our pursuit and our resistance of what is happening.

He's gone for now, and that's real. He may be gone a long time or even, for good.


If he had died suddenly, what would you do, once the initial grief had passed?

How would you look at life? Would you shrivel up and die? Give up on life?

No you would not.

So in a way, this is a lot about our egos. Nothing weird about that, but let's admit it.

We can deal with our egos. And you can be the author of your life (imagine your life is a novel...)

we know this chapter sucked...but how will the next chapter of your life go?

And the rest of the book/life?

I think if there is a chance of your h coming out of his fog, and returning, it's going to be by you backing WAY off and letting him go find himself.

That which we resist, persists...you don't have to assist him, which you already know. But no more arguing about it...seriously, it's pointless and it has not worked.

He has a "task" that you cannot complete for him.

Good luck

Your husband reports not feeling respected. Few, if any, men will feel romantic or passionate love without respect.

Begin to respect him by respecting his feelings and wishes, rather than trying to explain away his feelings and trying to force his wishes to conform to yours.