Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers After 2 years separation, he still wants out!!!

I do have issues letting go of the past...it's a flaw of mine...I've learned to let go of so much anger tied to past memories and experiences, but it's still a challenge. Not sure how to take your last question up there 25....H isn't really asking me to let go of past hurts, and if he is, he's got a funny way of showing it, because what he's done in the past that's hurt the most is a reoccuring thing....how many times can I really let go of the past hurts of constant EAs he's had when he has yet another going on right now? Not sure if you've seen my other thread going or not...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...04#Post2158504.

Not even sure how I got so wrapped up in the FIL issue as I don't feel it's an issue...lol. I do appreciate your comments though...there is wisdom in your words. Happy that your son will always have memories of his GF. DD got to meet her only great-grandmother when she was 2 months old....GGM passed away a month after that. I know she'll never remember, but it meant the world to me.

I have not read the other thread but will try to this weekend.

But fyi, I know that there comes a time when we find that a line exists which has been crossed...and sometimes it's a deal breaker. And sometimes it happens over and over, and in a moment of clarity, we realize it's time to cut our losses, and just thank God for a healthy kid, and move on...

Sometimes we don't know where a boundary line is, until it's been smashed into...which [censored] but at least it's clear...so
I hear you.

(( ))

Have not mentioned this before, but there's a slight chance H is bi-polar and maybe in early MLC? His mother and sister have both been diagnosed bi-polar and are both on lithium treatments. H is very anti-therapy and counseling....so unless he comes around and changes his view on that on his own, there's no way to confirm...if not bi-polar, at least manic. I'm not trying to make excuses....some of the things he does are just not right, but these are just thoughts about him.

Why do I think MLC? BECAUSE:
-He took on a 3 month contract job that sent him all over the country because he'd never really been out there to see the world and he's not getting any younger.

-He went out and replaced his entire wardrobe claiming he needed to change to better fit the times.

-He wants D because he never got to live a long time as a true bachelor and he wants to know that experience.

-He started hanging out with people who drink/do drugs and says he's seriously contemplating partaking in drug use to slow down his thought processes.

-Claims he thinks he's not "married guy material", but if he changed his mind, he'd call me back up and we'd fly to vegas to get remarried when he's ready.

-(he works in computers...techie stuff) When his contracted job ended back in dec '10, the reason he didn't obtain a new contract with company or take on a different job back at home was because he claims he realized his true calling in life is acting and he hired an agent and has been working small bit jobs as an extra in hopes of making it big soon.

-though he used to be indifferent about them, he's gotten two tatooes

-He's let his hair grow out to mid-back length and started dying it to cover his grays since we've been separated.


All this combined with everything else leave me with raging thoughts of confusion in my head...is this truly a MLC when he's only 30? if so, it's been 2 1/2 years...how much longer can I deal with this? (see next reply for how! lol!)

Gah! had a nice detailed post about what I'm doing these days, and pc rebooted before I posted...have to get some sleep as SIL, BIL, nephew10, and niece8 come over for a visit tomorrow....Will try to post again in the morning.

I'm one of those people who thinks the "MLC" label is irrelevant, clung to, and over used.

Sorry. It changes nothing in your approach, so it's not something I'd spend time on.

But trust me, I DID spend a lot of time on that. Way too much time on what he was doing/feeling/thinking/planning and "why??" and "When will MLC end?"

There's not a lot of evidence to suggest an MLC, if that's what it is, is any easier or shorter OR more likely to end happily than other situations.

There IS evidence of LBSers spending all their time analyzing this to death so they can hang onto their hope that IF it's MLC somehow it's more likely to have them return.

And sometimes hope can be paralyzing.

I wish I'd spent a LOT LESS time on my h and MLC and way MORE time on ME and my future and my children's...


It was only when I began to fully detach, "MLC? Who cares?" and accepted that m was likely over

BUT that I would be happy anyhow

and that H was losing more than I was...I'd be alright. I GAL, had a PMA and began exploring options I did NOT have when m to h.

Meaning jobs in places I wanted to live without regard to h's career for instance.

H noticed, he told me later. But at this time in general, when I detached, pulled back and moved in my own direction, H began to awaken.

It's a bit ironic b/c I had made so much effort in making "rational arguments" and (I'm a lawyer) I KNEW if I were in court, I'd win...but to no avail.

Nothing I said was heard by my h. I could not reach him. So I let go of him, leaving him to his "task" and journey.

When he began his awakening, I almost did not take him back and that wasn't to be punitive. But I had learned to like my life better by then, and the d's and I had a routine, etc.

Please don't spend too much time wondering what's up with your h.
[b]
If you can look at YOUR ROLE In this, that's more helpful b/c in the end, if your h doesn't think the m can improve/change, he won't come back.
[/b]

That means he has to see some changes in YOU and in all likelihood, you need some work. We all do. Become a better person for all this, b/c it does make us stronger, kinder, and with a feeling of resilience we may have lacked before. I also learned a ton about forgiveness. (The exception to this is those who get stuck in their victimhood and false hope, and or become bitter. Too bad.

So figure out your part in this, not to blame, but to find your 180s and become the woman you were meant to be.

Be a woman only a fool would leave.

Have fun this weekend!

Will try to keep this short because I do have a lot going on today and have to get a move on....

Since H and I separated, I've overall changed a lot about myself....moving back here, and due to car issues that caused me to move into H's apt when it's not ideally what I wanted has been hard. I've had to adjust to the fact that DD and I have been virtually on our own for over two years, and we've gotten into our own routines. I've backslid a bit since we got here because my momentum feels thrown out of wack. It doesn't really have anything to do with H, but I seem to be making it about him for some reason.

DD and I get up every day and go about our business. If I haven't made other care arrangments for her, I do kinda get firm with H that he needs to watch her. He's getting better about it, and has changed his sleep schedule around so he's actually awake during the day now. It's caused him to even start telling me he would rather DD stay here while I'm working instead of going to sitter's house. Little positives for DD's sake and don't really care about teh rest. Keep telling myself the rest doesn't matter, but there's stil that secret hope deep inside me, but I can't force it to happen. I know this, but i still slip.

While I was still living so far from H, we had mutual friends of ours who'd ask H sometimes why I seemed so distant with H and them....was I mad, etc? H always said, No, I don't think she's mad at all. Just think she's up there doing her thing for now. She has her own life.. When same friends approached me directly, I actually gave them the same answer without even realizing H and them had these discussions. H's world and mine have been fairly separate for the past 17-18 months now. At first, I was very enmeshed in what he was up to...i let it go, and focused on me.
Got more active with my church and several groups there, kept up my counseling, and due to "right in front of me" stresses of living with my parents, therapy started turning away from M and H and more towards my parents and family...Overal, that aspect helped tremendosly because H and I always had issues that I felt weren't actually relevant to H, but moreso issues I had that were unresolved from much earlier in my life. Was nice to know I was making T about ME, and not "us" and I faced quite a few demons that I've avoided for most of my adult life.

I began working out, lost almost 50 pounds over a 10 month period and have maintained it for the past 18 months...Excercise regularly, I go biking (with DD in tow in bike trailer), have a few new playgroups DD and I joined since we moved (we had several as well up at my parents house). I was at the nearby university last week talking to admissions counselor about enrolling in classes for the fall sa well. Was at a point over a year ago when I really pushed myself into gear and straightened up a TON of my financial issues. Had issues in the past that were making it hard for me to get approved to rent an apt...cleared all that up.

Occasionally, over the past year and a half, H's asked me what's up and if there was anything he could do to help. I've simply told him, don't worry about it. That I appreciate his concern, but I'm ok and going strong.

To sum up the S, I feel I really focused on just me and DD, reached a peak where I knew I was really ready to at least move out of my parents' house, but I didn't for some reason...Feel that caused me to backslide and it had nothing to do with H...was a fear for DD about the change. Was when I started really thinking about what I wanted for her long term. Was mosdtly doing this from a single parent mindset as well.

When it comes to DD, I've pretty much had a single parent mindset about her since she was born. my therapist thought I had a pretty severe case of post=partum depression after she was born...I know I wasn't myself, but I was very much s NOT myself. Was hard on H, and when we separated, H has had a stance of "I do so much for DD and you won't even recognize it" and I've taken stance with him of, "H will set his own path for R with DD...I won't do anything on his behalf to encourage or discourage their R. Will accept any help or offers he makes, but I'm not really counting on him for anything. Tired of hearing empty words from him."

At one point, I'd told him "H, stop telling me what you're going to do, and just tell me when something has been done!"

That's been one of my mantra's about him ever since. I put no stock in his words or actions. Now that we're physically living in the same house again (though not for much longer), it's hard knowing that I see his little positives with DD and am having a hard time stepping back to let him have his chance at being a dad to her finally.

Feel like I've been venting about H related stuff here directly because I had my counselor for that before the move and have not yet gotten back into T since the move. It's been challenging in a good way since the move, but I'm still here, going strong and making it. H's not understood much of the different me that I brought down here, as he told me yesterday. Says he expected me to be mopey, miss my family, be sad, not look for work, not look for childcare, etc. I just sat and listened instead of retorting. When he was finished talking after 40 minutes, I simply thanked him for filling me in and that I am just doing what I need to do for myself is all. and then left the house again to get back to work. lol. He's not the old H he was before S, of that I'm sure, but I don't know if he's different over the past few weeks we've been here or not. Several mutual friends of ours say he's acting weird right now. I tell them I'm not really interested in hearing about it. His life, his choices.

All I know is from a legal standpoint, H and I are still married, I've always to this day worn my ring(s). I messed up too, 2 years ago when H and I decided to allow each other to date, and I did. Wish I hadn't, but can't change the past, so I learned my lesson from that and moved on. What did I learn? That I still loved my H and it wasn't over with him till it's over (even if we're back together, that old M is over and we begin again).

So much more I could say, but really need to get a move on. SIL, BIL, nephew and niece will be here this afternoon. H's not happy they're coming. he tries to have no contact with his family. They were passing throug the area and asked if they could stop in for a visit and to bring DD's bed that has been at FIL and SMIL's house forever, and I agreed. She was very close to my sisters, BILs, neice, and nephews up at my parents' and I want her to have the same sort of closeness with H's family, even if he chooses to not have a R with them himself.