Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Am I on the right track?? Help please!

I''m new here. I bought the book yesterday but have been reading the forums for the last week.

In Feb '11 my husband came home and told me that he wasn't in love with me any more and that there was another woman who 'appreciated him'. The relationship he had with the OW was never a physical relationship - it was an emotional one, which to me can be ever worse. From Feb to mid April he backed off the emotional relationship with the OW and we started couples therapy. The therapist would give us 'homework' at the end of each session and send us home to do our 'homework' during the week. The homework consisted of something we had asked the other for; in my case it was for some sign of affection either sitting next to me on the couch or stopping the avoidance that had crept in to our relationship over the prior couple weeks.It had gotten so bad that he would walk around me in the kitchen rather than physically touch me to get past or reach for something. He asked for us to watch television together in the family room NOT in the bedroom (mainly because I’d fall asleep if we watch tv in the bedroom). I did everything I could to provide what he asked for. I sent our 12 yr old out for the night to a friends house, I rented a movie I knew he wanted to see and then he was late getting home (he’s a truck driver) so the night was a bust with me sitting home by myself. Not to be defeated I started paying attention to when he would sit down to watch tv and I would stop what I was doing and just sit in the room and watch tv with him. But he wouldn’t do anything to give me what I asked EXCEPT that he was a little more helpful in the kitchen and around the house. I took that as a good sign until even that behavior stopped. Finally on Mother’s Day (9 days ago) I just couldn’t take it anymore. The lack of courtesy had gotten bad. He would leave the house and not tell me he was leaving, he would never say anything to me when he got home from work, he would avoid me in the house, and nearly all communication was at a halt. Mother’s Day was horrible. He didn’t get me a card nor did he even verbally with me a Happy Mother’s Day. NOTHING. Around 3pm that afternoon he and his brother come up to me and say they’re going to visit their mom for Mother’s Day. I guess I have them a look because my brother-in-law practically ran from the room and my husband asked me what my look was for. I said let’s go discuss it if you want to know. I told him I didn’t begrudge him visiting his mother who lives 2 hours away but it hurt me that he wants to take a 6 hour round trip to see her when he has never done that before on Mother’s Day and that it really hurts because he didn’t even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. He sat down, shook his head and said you’re right. But he still never said, Happy Mother’s Day. Finally I’d had enough…I’d been walking on eggshells for months and I finally got angry. I told him that if he thought he would feel better about ending our marriage because he was going to force me to be the one to toss him out to keep on doing what he was doing because I was getting real close to telling him to go. He said he wasn’t doing it on purpose. I told him I couldn’t stand be ignored anymore. I said I wasn’t trying to force him into any decisions but it sure didn’t seem to me that he was willing to work on our relationship (as he had stated in therapy not a day earlier). He replied that maybe he wasn’t honest in therapy. So I asked him if he thought there was a chance for us and after much thought on his part he said he didn’t think so. So I told him I was fine with that and what is the next step. We discussed selling our home, he would stay in the house until it sold and continue to pay the bills. (I’ve been a homemaker for the last 8 years.) There are some repairs that need to be done before we can put the house up for sale and needless to say I’m dragging my feet.

Fast forward….within minutes of having that conversation he came out to the kitchen and helped me fix dinner. I was finishing off a pot roast in the oven and had to watch over it for the last 30 minutes. Every time the timer went off he got up off the couch and came in to the kitchen to help me check the roast. He got up and helped me scrub and prepare potatoes for roasting. Even went on the internet to find me a recipe. THIS IS THE MAN WHO HAD BEEN IGNORING ME FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS. The next morning was our child’s first day of school (we had been homeschooling), he got up, came in to wake me (I told him the day before that I needed him to sleep in another room), got our child up and helped me make a school lunch and breakfast for all of us. He then offered to go grocery shopping with me. HELLO?? I think I now know what the Twilight Zone feels like. During our grocery trip I broke down a couple times and he stood quietly next to me and waited until I collected myself. We talked about being friends after all was said and done and I asked him if we could still take our family vacation this summer so our child has good memories and he agreed! Ok, to fast forward and let me tell you that I had a small accident and twisted my ankle and was laid up for two days with my foot elevated and on ice. He wasn’t home when it happened (truck driver) but he called me about something that night and I told him what I had done. I was astonished the next morning when he texted me asking how my ankle was. Then when he finally got home later that day he actually came in to the room where I was and watched tv with me and laid across the bed reading and sharing articles in the magazine with me. He even asked how my night was other than my fall. HUH??! Even the last few days have been like this. Yesterday a notice came in the mail that we were going to lose a week in our timeshare if we didn’t use it by November. He says to me – “can we use that week for our vacation this summer?” This is the vacation I had asked about a week or so ago. And the flirting is there. He is very sexual and requires a lot of sex. This is what I believe is one of the problems that led up to all this because I don’t have the sex drive he has – but I’m trying. Yesterday I was cooking and got mashed potatoes on my finger. He was standing in the kitchen and saw me lick the potatoes off my finger and gave me a flirtatious look. So I put some on another finger and offered it to him and lo and behold he licked it off. He makes flirtatious comments all the time which confuses me to no end because he’s the one who wants to end the relationship. I’m still very attracted to him and am more than willing to provide what he needs I just am confused how to go about letting him know that I’m willing. Now this morning we’re discussing his brother who is about to let his storage be sold for non-payment. We agreed we would pay the bill. Then when I suggested maybe his brother needs to move to a smaller storage unit my husband says, “or maybe we move some of our stuff there”, meaning in order to sell the house we need to declutter (which has also been discussed). Ugg!
Thought anyone? I have made my goal list and have a list of actions. I keep thinking I’m in the right track but then when he says something like that I feel like maybe I haven’t made the progress I thought I had. I know he’s still attracted to me because he’s told me and because we did get together once this last week. And the way he hovers sometimes makes me feel like he wants to suggest more together time but doesn’t know if I’m open to it. We’ve been married 19 years this July and together 21 years. I don’t want to lose my husband. I will also put it out there that his testosterone levels are beyond low and are being handled. His Dr also gave him an anti-depressant yesterday which he is taking on a trial basis. He is 39 years old and has suffered two losses this year; his father in January and his grandfather in February.

I was talking to a nurse friend of mine about the whole sitch and she pointed out that it sounded like he was cycling with his hormone injetions. Which totally makes sense to me because I've heard him say several times that he can feel a difference from the first couples days after the injection compared to the last few days before the next injection. This totally makes me feel so much better especially in combination with this anti-depressants.

My problem still remains how do I make it known to him that I'm open to a physical relationship. I guess I'm unsure of whether or not he'd be accepting even with all the flirting he's been doing lately.

Hi Liz,

Im sorry that you have found yourself here.

That is great you have read the DB! Re-read again and follow the GAL steps. Also have you read sex-starved M book? This may help more in your sitch.

I'm no expert in the field. But keep writing your thoughts in your post and people will come around and give you advice.

There is a great lot of people on here, keep reading up on everyone's sitch as sometimes you can learn some valuable things based on other peoples R.

We are all here for the same reason.

Hi Liz,

Welcome to the bb. I know it's not somewhere you wanted to be but you have come to the right place. So many awesome people on here that have wonderful advice.

IMO it sounds like your H is very confused about what he wants.
Have you 2 decided if you are going to continue to go to MC together?

Honestly, we haven't discussed the relationship at all. He's been more attentive (helping around the house, helping out when I hurt my ankle and then this past week when I had to have a biopsy he was right on it by asking if/when I needed anything). His brother spent the weekend here and took the spare bedroom, I made it known that I wouldn't be adverse to my husband sharing our room and he took me up on it two nights during which time we were intimate (earlier in the day I leaned over and whispered in his ear about staying with me and what we could do if he did and he was interested and smiling). When his brother left he went back to the spare room. There's been no relationship talk at all between us but I read in the DB book to avoid that kind of conversation. I did make a followup appt with the therapist and she asked me if I was adverse to both of us having a joint session - I'm not, but I personally think he should have a few more by himself before we go together again. He's been on the anti-depressants one full week now and got a testosterone shot this morning so I expect this next week will go back to the 'feeling good enough to flirt' week. I will also mention that he spent a lot of time with our 12 yr old daughter Saturday playing, wrestling, and just having a good time with her - something he heasn't done in a really long time.
I"ll reread the GAL and see what I can come up with and I'll check out the sex starved M book.

Thank you for any/all responses!
Liz

Ok so quickly I located the SSM post and read the first chapter. I admit that I have been the reason for his unhappiness for the lack of sex in our relationship these last few years so I have been the instigator for the last few weeks (not that he hasn't flirted and intigated also). As I was reading the first chapter I ran across this excerpt....

"They’re nicer, more thoughtful, kinder, more loving, affectionate and more communicative. It’s a simple law of human nature. When you show your caring to your more highly sexed spouse by making sex a bigger priority in your marriage, s/he will appreciate your efforts and become more caring towards you. You will see it in his or her eyes. You’ll start getting love notes and witness random acts of kindness. Your spouse will begin to open up and be decidedly more interested in you as a person. He’ll stop what he’s doing to hear about something you find interesting on television."

Since I have been more aggressive in initiating sex I have noticed everything stated above - he has shown interest in my days, he is more attentive, he calls more often, we catch each others eyes more often, he stops what he's doing to listen to me, etc.

I'm keeping my journal and I'm seeing results but I have a major problem wiht patience!!

^

Ok so what I am I supposed to think about this....by brother-in-law has visited the last couple weekends but he usually left after the weekend was over. He's 23, single, and has no job or place to live. He's been living out of his car. THAT's a whole other website! LOL Anyway, we've let it be known that he's welcome for a couple days here or there, no problem. Well, my husband says to me on Friday that he was thinking of letting his brother stay in the guest room long-term. He asked me what I thought about it and I in turn asked him what he felt about it because we've been here, done that once before and I honestly feel this is one reason we are where we are. My stress level was extremely high when we've had his family stay with us and in turn I ended up ignoring my husbands needs/wants. So in the end we decided to let brother know that if he got a job he could stay untl he could get is own place. HELLO! that means husband moves back into master bedroom. So what does my husband say when I ask how he feels about that - he says it will make "our situation a little strange" and then goes on to make a joke that we could "put a wall down the middle of the bed". I gave him a funny look like I didn't think it was funny and he insisted he was joking. We walked into the kitchen to tell his brother and as we were walking into the kitchen my husband flicked me on the butt, something he hasn't done in a long time.

So I started thinking that maybe this was husbands "test" for me. How do I hold up to this stress, do I go back to ignoring his needs when brother moves in, sort of thing. It also got him moved back in to the bedroom. Any other takes on it?

So here I am throwing my arms up in the air wondering what the heck is happening.

(Tomorrow marks two weeks on antidepressants for husband.)

Well last night and today has been the pits. I know, I know, take the good with the bad, that not every day will be a good day. But when they're bad, they're bad.

Around 8pm last night the OW called him on his cell phone while WE were watching television together in the family room. My laptop was sitting nearby so for kicks (ha! ha!) I looked at our phone usage online and found that he had been texting her since 5pm. All while we sat a couple feet from each other. So of course, my mood plummeted. I ended up going to bed first. He followed about an hour later.

Then this morning I woke up in a cruddy mood and ended up cleaning like a crazy person. Communication has been minimal today which adds stress/strain. Then, of course, OW calls around 2pm. They talk for about 5 minutes. All I hear is his side of the conversation - sounded like he was supposed to do something for her and she was reminding him about it. I acted like I didn't even notice when he was finished.

I knew they were still speaking but it seemed like it had calmed down. It's only been "in my face" for the last couple days. I think I'm just gonna keep doing what I've been doing along with the "as if" thing and act as if nothing has change or the calls don't bother me.

WHY ISNT ANYONE RESPONDING TO ANY OF MY POSTS? Surely someone out there has experienced this and has some advice.

Liz

I'm really starting to think this website is a BIG JOKE! My posts don't show up for a week and no one responds when they do finally show up. Too bad, I really thought I had found a place that would help me get thru this.