Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers First time caller...

You pick one. The question was for you.

When it comes to finances, emotions, or any other way she can cause you pain.

Protect yourself.

As for the rest...that is up to you.

If you want to figure out this cycle you are having with failed M

It starts and ends with you.

It is a process to find yourself in the broken pieces that are left from this tragedy.

First thing is to figure out what parts of what happened are yours.

What parts do you not like about yourself?

What happened to YOU?

That is the first step in this long journey.

Truegritter,

About 3 weeks after W dropped the bomb, I wrote a letter to her, but did not give it to her (just want to make sure that is understood). In that letter, I apologized for and recognized those miserable traits I had brought into our M.

It was a very long letter.

The more I wrote, the more I remembered what I had done to my W that was shameful...impatience, anger, mean talk, etc. It ended up being a letter to myself, I think. I look at it often, and try to remind myself to never be that man again.

My W remembers every hurt, every pain, every injustice that was done to her by anyone. She chooses not to forgive, but to wrap herself in her pain and hurt like some bizarre security blanket. It allows her to always keep a safe distance from anyone. Even though I have spent the last 6 years apologizing and trying to atone for my mistakes, they have been brought up again and again as her rationale for wanting to end our M.

I understand this journey should be about self-reflection and improvement, and I accept that. It does not make the total rejection, contempt and disdain from my W any easier to bear, especially with both of us in the same house.

Telemark - first you need to forgive yourself. You have already apologized to your W. She should take your apology as an invitation. MWD says forgiveness is the best gift you can give yourself. It sounds like she's been harboring a lot over the years, and now she has all this baggage that is going to eat her up inside until she unloads it. She will always carry this baggage and continue to accumulate it until she is able to forgive.

jbnati, you are correct. W is still angry at events that happened in her life 35 years ago. That's an issue I can't even touch.

It's only been these last few days that I have been able to start to forgive myself for my wrongdoings. I mentioned in one of my recent posts that earlier this week I came home from work and lost it...the weight of everything felt like it was all on me. So I got onto my knees - literally - and prayed that God take this from me, because I was still making a mess of things.

Thanks for your comments.

I understand Telemark. Forgiving yourself is a process. I had a convo with my W about 5 weeks ago and she brought up 3 major things she is still harboring from up to 9 years ago. I was literally on my knees as well - asking God for forgiveness for what I had done to her. I had heard all these before, but this time I really made the effort to LISTEN and just validate - not fix anything, not get defensive. I felt her pain because I went through that exercise - it hit me like a ton of bricks. I ended up writing her a brief letter apologizing for each of the 3 things. At end I just told her that if I could go back and re-do those things over, I would do them differently and that I hoped she would be able to forgive me some day.

Exactly where I am, mentally and emotionally. If I only knew then what I know now...my W and I have discussed my sins of the past, and I have said the same things you have said to yours. My W has also recognized her part in the failure of our M and has apologized to me.

I could handle all of that with more grace and detachment if it were not for her continuing her EA, even after assuring me 3X it was over.

And this will always be her choice to forgive or not. It should not dictate your future.

Do not put in her hands your own healing or salvation from your sins.

The letter to yourself. A good start.

Living it is the hard part.

And

It will get easier to bear when you accept that you do not control her.

You decide when it stops hurting.

That is the toughest part in this but I tell you when you have traveled along the path a while you see it plain as day.

The real b!tch is that your eyes only open when you have had enough pain.

As my friend Brooklyn likes to say "only way through it, is through it"

No shortcuts. No excuses. No regrets.

Each day I find it a little - very little, but still - easier to separate myself from my turmoil with W. This morning we sat at our kitchen table, had coffee together and chatted about everyday things. Haven't done that in months. I kept having to remind myself not to look for anything that I might interpret as a breakthrough, but it did feel like a baby step. At least we are not at each others' throats.

Telmark, hang in there. You gotta hang on to the baby steps and small positives.

Telemark
It does bug me that you were a former OM but that's because of my sitch. That being said I think you now know how it feels. So I have some words of encouragement.

Your wive's inability to forgive sounds a lot like mine. It is important that you let her know that she can't go through life married to you not forgiving you. Make a point of letting her know you do not appreciate it when she brings up things of the past that should be forgotten. If you are having a fight, and she brings up the past, immediately stop and tell her that bringing up past dirt is no way to fight. That you want to solve the issue and you will once she is ready to talk about the current issues. I'm sorry but bringing up the past is just a way of her fighting dirty, and getting an advantage over you.

Do it often enough, and with enough conviction and you will see the dynamic change between you. Just remember to be calm and loving. She only does this because she thinks it gives her an advantage. Remove the edge and it just becomes self destructive behavior she probably loathed too.

As for OM he is an addiction, remember that at all times you are competing with the fantasy he provides. As for the money to OM many would say that is crossing the line. Is this her money or joint money? If it's joint make sure she understands that the money is for you her and SS. It's ome thing for her to be sure about her emotions she is free to give her feelings to whoever she pleases joint assets are different how would you feel if she gave OM the keys to your car?

I know this is hard to hear but your W has some very strong issues. You need to in a loving way show her that her behavior is unacceptable. It will be hard, and you will need to turn your back to her many times. She needs to feel the sting of your rejection, yet see you as a strong loving man. In other words she needs to value you, and then see how painful it could be to lose you. I am in no way saying to be a jerk, but if she is rude to you walk away and go have a good time. She will be puzzled over how you can be happy while she internally destroys herself.