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AK:

Thanks again for stopping by I appreciate it more than I can repay.


Oh I am feeling. I feel very intensely and it hurts. I get very frustrated with myself because somehow I have created some kind of timeline in my head of how I should be feeling. 3 months I should feel this way 6 months this way 12 months this way. It is very foolish and unwise because all you do is disappoint yourself.

My sitch was not always as clear cut as some others, at least not to me. The exchange I had in April was confusing but as is the case with my X she has been consistent with her actions.

I should not be surprised.

The feeling is very real.

A great lost.

A constant pain.

I have made many mistakes in my M, many, but as I sit and reflect on the last ten years I also did a lot of good. I was a good H and although I fell short sometimes I always put my W and D first. ALways.

Still the outcome does not change.

Moving forward my future looks hazy but I believe it is starting to come into clear view, I have been here before, a false positive of sorts.

I have to believe at one point you do not feel you just live. I have to..........



What an interesting statement. She knows. It has been an unspoken boundary but one that has always been clearly defined. She knows how I felt about the R with OM. SHe knows that I was not comfortable with it. I know it had not gone physical. Still to this day I have no proof of anything we have not spoken in 3 weeks. It is very possible she moved into a place with a GF or even her own place. Moving in OK is not as pricey as moving in Jersey she could have done this with very little cost.

To me it is clear where the R is heading even if nothing has happened.

We are all grown people here capable of seeing things for what they are when we remove emotions.

Even if it has not gone physical it is not a sitch I am comfortable with. When in doubt............pull out!!



It is funny I have this tattooed on my shoulder. Perhaps it is time to start to live it.

9

As always your support and kind words are always welcomed. The intestinal fortitude you and others display is something I envy. Wish I had it. BUT I don't and I won't.

It does help it carries with it an intense pain but a direction has been established.


I still feel shock and I feel it often. How this happened? Man who knows. I am not looking for answer as strongly as I am looking for peace. That is all I want............peace.



Maybe 9, maybe not. I believe some will and some will justify their decision till the day they die. I suppose that if in a year or two they feel regret but never act on that regret what good is that to us? I have spoken to many divorced people and most of them have admitted regret, yet nothing was done they just continued to live. How sad, for them and for us.

Yo 2step, just wanted to check in.

I think many of us put a lot of the emotions of this on hold while we are still in the 'fight.'

At some point we need to process them.

You're moving forward and through them now. It's a necessary step.

You continue to learn and grow, which I admire very much.

You WILL find peace. I have no doubt.

'

Country how right you are. We get stuck on neutral and hit the gas. As things continue to happen we realize we are not moving.

The feelings will not be denied, you have to deal with them at some point.

The overwhelming sense of sadness is hard to shake but I am not sad because of what has happened.

I am sad because it is I who is done.

It did not have to come to this.

We could have made it.

2Step - Just want to drop by to say hello. You know where I stand.

BITS
Denver

Yes you did friend.

Look, we hate why we are here man, but it if it wasn't for our sit, we also wouldn't better ourselves.

Don't let the coulda shoulda $hit bring you down EVER. Life is a learning experience. You can't grow better without failing. Remember that.

It's how you take your future, with the life you lived that makes us better. Get that please! Life is one shot, you can be a prick or you can be the best ever....it's all your choice. Life is your choice. You can stand up, get even, wallow, or wait....your choice. What does 2step want?

Everyday should be what 2step feels better about.

Hear hear.

Thinking about you 2step....

And it is my future I think about AK. I think about a lot of things. Where does my fear sit? It is in knowing that someone can think the world of you, can look into your eyes and tell you how much you mean and make you feel like you are the only person in the world………….until you are not.

It is in having absolute trust in another……….until it is shattered.

It is in feeling secure in knowing that person has your back and they are the one constant in your life………..until they stop.

In my next R a person will fall in love with me. They will feel secure and they will feel in love.
Will I?

Or

Will I always question? Wonder? Speculate? Will I know that those feelings are temporary until I disappoint them or break their heart?

It is bound to happen.

One thing is for sure.

In my next R I will screw up. I will break their heart. I will disappoint them. I will fall short not once but many times.

What will the outcome be then?

When you reach a level of trust and confidence in a R like I had with my X and then get shattered the way I have been how do you learn to trust again? How do I believe again?

I can’t express enough how MUCH I trusted my X. How deeply I felt. How secure I was.

Was that taking her for granted or was that a bond a sense of confidence that we were a rock?

I see a cycle repeating itself.

Does it come down to a value system? Does it come down to a level of commitment?

How do you know that when you start?

Everyone is committed at first. Everyone looks past the flaws.

There were times I was not in love with her. Times she irritated me. Times I felt like maybe she loved me more than I loved her. Times I wished I was single again. Times her actions, desires, dreams were not in line with mine.

BUT

I never left. I realized that it was the soul, the person behind the mask I loved. I loved the heart, so I stayed.

Is love that hard?

Is it too much to remain loyal, to stay through tough times? Sure one can make the argument that I broke those vows first by not honoring my W but where did the “in love” experience die off. If I stopped giving it to her was it not for a reason. Perhaps I was not feeling loved. I did for a time no? If I hadn’t we never would have M. So if I stopped loving her then why?

You know what hurts?

It is not the fact that she is in another R already. (by the way it HAS been confirmed turns out OK is a very small state and I still know people there)

It is two things.

1. How easily we are replaced
2 The who more than the what. The OM is somebody who has been in the picture since Dec. I talked about him on my first few post. The way she has handled the entire ordeal, how she strung me along doing DB sessions and seeing me while I was there. The EA had already begun. Yet, she strung me along. We each have our boundary. If she would have told me from day one “H I am involved with someone else so please stopped trying I am moving on” I would have. She knows that. She knew the quickest way to get rid of me.

When I was there in April shortly after the D how was our exchange? Read it. I posted it. Even then she did not make a clean break. I asked her…’do you want me to stop? Do you want me to move on’
She never said yes. Her response.

“I will read the book”
“I will call Jody”
“I don’t know yet”
“I need time”
“Things won’t work on your timetable”

I looked her in the eyes and asked her point blank about OM.

Deceit. I don’t accept confusion as an excuse. I am not sure when you joined my sitch or how much of it you have read but you tell me…………

Was that the actions of a woman that was done and moving on?

Perhaps I was blind. Perhaps I wanted something so bad I could not see the obvious. I told her in Dec when I met with her.

“I am willing to do ANYTHING to save our M, BUT, I will NOT lose myself in the process. I will not lose my self-respect or my dignity.”
That was in December, prob when I was the most desperate. Guess how I feel now?!



DG you always check up on me and I want to let you know that I appreciate it. It is nice to be thought of. You are very sweet and I wish you nothing but the best.

2step

2step, I'm going to save what you wrote here. Brilliant. Just brilliant how you've expressed yourself and the same thoughts /feelings /doubts I've been having myself.