Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Moving here from Newcomers

Short ipdate in this forum...all the inner turmoil can be read on the Walking in Muskeg 3 and 4 threads in Mid Life Crisis forum, if you're intersted.

I'm going to talk to my DB counselor about going as dark as I can, and a strategy to apply that in my own situation.

I generally confront head on, but I think I need a more subtle approach.

I don't want to do what I've been doing anymore. It isn't working for me. It has been exhausting. disturbs my peace of mind and has , in my opinion made it much easier for STBX to justify his decision and settle into things knowing that I'm available, accomodating and friendly.

He is not my friend. He's no longer my husband except on paper and he won't address his own garbage. That's the sum of it.

For my own self preservation and emotional equilibrium I can't deal with him the way I have been.
I give. He has what he wants, may he find much joy in it.


It's time to shut up, and turn away.

I TOTALLY hear ya, sista...

Such is the plight.

If I let anger speak, I really don't care if my W addresses her own garbage any more.

But I do. If only just for the sake of my kids.

As far as anything else. Slow and steady. Things get better, ARE better, then they get better, yet. It just takes so darned long it seems...

Good luck on your new direction in this.

I hear you Kaffe. It's hard not to turn off completely and walk away from their personal drama and other issues they have.

I do care if my STBX addresses his own chit. That would be so awesome. He deserves to be as mentally, emotionally and physcially integrated and happy as he can be.
It would be great for our kids too to have a fully present and engaged Dad.

It's not in my hands...that's so the hardest part. If I could will it for him, I would.

Angry today. Feeling hate.
Mom mentioned he phoned her today to wish her well on her b'day.
She said he sounded happy.
That just pi$$ed me off.
I don't get it. On the one hand...Eff him, why should I care if he's happy or unhappy? It isn't my problem. I shouldn't want to be with a person that doesn't want to be with me and thinks so little of our M and our kids that he walked out without even trying to working on our issues as he percieved them.

On the other, I want him to be miserable in the bed he's made and suffer the way I have been.

Don't know what's going on with me or in my own head.

Feel this intense antipathy towards my STBX and felt flashes of real hatred for him yesterday.

Is this normal? Is it a subconcious method on my part to steel myself for implementing no contact tomorrow? A way to create mental distance shield myself, so I can be strong enough to dismiss him as irrelevant to my life?

I find myself telling/reminding myself:

How he neglected me and was a non participant in my life and our children's lives.
His chronic ocmplaints of being tired, his apathy and unwillingness to initiate activity.
His cruel silence.
His preference for his addictions over us.
How all of his behaviour could very well be interpreted as cowardice.

I feel like I've stepped into some alternate funhouse reality in a way. Turning off my feelings. From easy to tears to hard and calculating.

I hope this is normal, because I have it. I fluctuate wildly between being sad, angry, hurt .. all the bad emotions.

How is no contact going? In some ways I envy you being at that point - I'm 2 weeks out from being able to go dark with H, and I don't know how I'm going to make it.

No contact is not going as smoothly as I wish it to.

Seems that STBX now wants to insert himself into my life more, now that I've suspended my welcoming behaviours.
Ie. Inviting him in, offering him a drink, having a superficial chat.

Still I'm working on going dim/dark and keeping my distance from him.
I don't feel the hate so much anymore, although I have a feeling/thought of sort of "let him rot".

Today I just feel glad there are men out there that do enjoy my company and ARE willing to talk to me about things other than the weather.

Just trying to sort through feelings here, hope you understand.

Finding I'm caring less about STBX.
I don't know if it's bad or good.
I am getting anxious. I am so tired of things they way they are.
I'm lonely, touch and affection starved.
Divorce is starting to look attractive.

Why now after so desperately coming here sad, depressed and grieving, hanging on to any thread of hope of restoration?

Is it because I've finished the book "From Abandonment to Healing" and am doing the exercises?

Is it because I feel deserving of someone that actually does want me in their life, finds me attractive and doesn't believe I'm disposable and easily replaced?

Is it because I've accepted and convinced myself he doesn't want me, didn't and doesn't love me, sees me only as our children's mother, to make myself hard and not feel the pain of rejection anymore?

I don't know but at this moment I feel I'm losing my ability to care about my M or STBX. I wish him the best, I wish him healing and health... but do I care like I once did before...not much.

Venting -
Read some of the success stories here. Some M's turned around in 8 months.
Reading that I felt more depressed and hopeless about my current situation.

I think the 8 months is more the exception than the rule. It's a long, LONG process.