Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My sons prayer.....

Red,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. I can feel your pain and confusion. It's normal and only time can help. If you've read my thread you know that I too (much later than your timeframe) had to deal with ML with H while he was still with OW. Once I took good stock of myself, I realized I could not do that. But perhaps for reasons different than what others on here say. For me, it was a matter of ethics. Yes, he was my H and I had every right to do so. But there was the OW who thought H had left me and, in her mind, she was on the path to marrying my H. In essence, I was knowingly becoming the OW and I wasn't prepared to do that to anyone knowing the pain it causes. Even if, by most people's opinions, I was in the right and she was in the wrong. I wanted to be the better person. I told my H in a calm way that I could no longer do that. But I did not give the reason that he was cake-eating or getting whatever he wanted. I gave the reason that it was for ME. And it was true.

Setting boundaries is difficult when you are so desperate to get your H back. Knowing how much of your H to keep in your life while he's gallavanting elsewhere is difficult and is an individual decision. There are no right or wrong answers because each relationship is unique as are the partners involved. But what you MUST focus on is what is best for YOU. Yes and what's right for you S, but what is right for YOU is usually what is right for your S as well. Expect nothing, work on detachment, and get used to the fact that your H will be nothing like you remember for quite sometime.

Albuquerque, I agree setting boundaries is tuff when you are so desperate to get your H back! One minute I feel fine, the next I am desperate to find ways to get him back. I feel saddened by these emotions. I know I need to dettach. I hear it. I read it. I know it. I just find it difficult to do.

This weekend was mothers day. It wasnt a great day. I picked my S up from MIL house. H decided that he wanted to watch S play soccer in the morning. S was not in a good mood and decided that he didnt want to play. Typical toddler. H got very frustrated like a rebellious teenager. He got so mad that he jumped in his car and left. Didnt even say goodbye. My S was visibly upset as was I. Old H would not have acted like this.

H rang in the afternoon to talk to S. S did not want to talk to him. H then proceeded to tell me that we (both) needed to be stricter with S. We needed to be consistant in our parenting. I started to get a bit defensive as I felt that he wasnt the one parenting as I was with S most of the time and he only has him for 1 night of the week. Then I quickly backtracked and validated his point. I agreed we needed to be on the same page. I said to do that we needed to become friends. He agreed. I also told him that I was upset by the way he was treating me lately. One minute he is nice. Next he isnt. He apologised for his behaviour.

I received a text from H during the night. He asked me to send him a copy of his CV. Said that he needed more money. So I guess he is looking for a new job. I sent him a copy and he said "thanks hon". This stumped me a bit so I didnt reply.

As previously stated everynight my son prays to GOD to bring his daddy home. Tonight I suggested instead of asking GOD to bring daddy home, he should ask GOD to look after daddy and make sure that he is safe and to let him know that we love him.

I received the text about H looking for a new job not long after that prayer. I know not to hope for things but I like to look on the positive side of life. I think H finding a new job could only be a good thing. For one thing it will get him away from crazy OW.


Also id like to ask for peoples opinion. During the week when H comes over to pick up S, we all end up going somewhere to do a fun activity, eg aqua golf. These outings have always been enjoyable and its almost like we are a normal family. Do i continue with these activities or do I just stop going and let S go alone with H? Currently living with my parents so H doesnt come in the house.

Woops I said "my" S again. Not intentional. And I note that I dont communicate this way in real life. So it must be just this forum.

Seeking, thank you for your response. I havent discussed OW with H. I dont even acknowledge her. So to bring her up again would be going against everything that I have been doing. Afterall I do not want to give her power. At the moment I am not as strong as Id like to be. But in time I know that I can be.

Also, I know that she is a weak person. She is not very good at her job and was meant to be fired if not for H coming to her rescue. She has already threatened to jump out of his car whilst he was driving. Unstable or what? She threatened to do this after she found out that he still kissed me on the cheek when he saw me. Seriously I cant believe what kind of person H is with. H was such a decent person and to think that this is who he is associated with. Eeeewwww

Boundaries I get but I dont think I should acknowledge that I wont sleep with him because of OW. What do you think?

But then again there is always that thought in the back of my head that ML to H will be a good way for us to keep connected. OK i can see that I am still confused on this matter.

Definitely need advice from all of you who have been through this dillema.

RNP,

You will find that many ow/om are very damaged themselves. They are usually extremely insecure and even more messed up than our spouses. They are generally manipulating and controlling. (Threatening to jump out of a moving car...)

Don't stick your head too far into the sand concerning the ow. Sounds like she may go to great lengths to keep your H. Remember if she's done this with your H, her character is probably not the best. If he's sleeping with her, he's sleeping with everyone she's ever been with, and then possibly passing that on to you.

You must protect yourself, you have a little one that needs you. Especially since daddy is aboard the crazy train.

Hang in there. This all will become more clear as time goes on.

Red,

This is something you'll have to figure out for yourself. Speaking for myself, H ended up starting a tradition of sushi after my D's martial arts class. HE invited me to go. The first time I was in charge of D, I wavered whether to invite him since that could be seen as pursuing, but opted to do so because it had become tradition. And he willingly accepted. It often became the only time a week I would talk with H. I think it was a good thing for us but it is difficult to do without the proper amount of "center" and ability to detach. Because I would see him texting OW, or see emails from her as he'd flip through his phone. Our conversations were superficial since he'd never really ask much about me and I chose to not tell him anything other than stuff he needed to know about finances, D etc. But we still had a good time and I know D got a lot out of those dinners. But there were certainly many times where it took a lot of patience to not fly off the handle with the ridiculous MLC things he'd say and do. And you can make no assumptions about the time you spend together. You need to become a duck and allow those types of things to just roll off you. If you think you can do it, great. Just realize it's more like work and less like fun most of the time.

SA, yes you are right. Who knows who this crazy OW has slept with. I need to go to the doctors asap. Now im a little scared.

And feeling really stupid too. Trying not to panick....why is it so hard to think clearly at this time? I would never sleep with anyone unprotected if I knew that they were with someone else. So why did I do it this time? Oh thats right cos I trusted my husband......stupid stupid stupid.

And yes I would also agree that OW is most likely manipulative and controlling yet H thinks that I and MIL are the ones who are controlling and manipulative. Go figure! OW was also once diagnosed with Bipolar. So if H knew this, why did he go with her? Silly silly man.

Al, thanks for replying.

Like you this is the only time that I spend time with H. I do not contact him in any way nor does he contact me. I find that we have a good time doing these activities and it has been a positive experience. I am reluctant to stop them because I want H to remember what our family is about and what he is missing. H has told me before that when he spends time with me and S he feels happy and that we are meant to be a family. Then he has also told me that when he's not with us he likes the fact that he has no responsibility, that he can come and go as he pleases. Do what ever he feels like doing.

I feel so confused by this. I have seen him smiling more. But at the same time when he does smile and laugh he goes for days without contacting us - only sms to confirm when he will see S next. My question is this - because of the fact that Im getting good results, ie eye contact, smiling, laughing - should I continue these outings as a family?

Just spoke to MIL on the phone. Thanked her for the lovely mother’s day card and present - at least she gave me one. H didn’t even acknowledge it. To be expected.

I expressed my concern that H now had hold of his old credit card. Limit $25K. He maxed out his other one - $6K in a matter of weeks, as well as blowing most of our money and savings. This is his personal card so I am not able to stop him accessing/using it.

MIL told me that she knew that H wanted to look for a new job because he wanted more money. H felt that his current job wasn’t paying him enough. MIL and FIL have expressed their concern about his spending and they have told him that they are in no position to help him should he get into trouble.

MIL told me that she thought it was OW’s influence that he was spending all his money. Because of her mental illness she was prone to spending and erratic behaviour. Not sure that H will recognise this.

MIL is a counsellor and has given me good advice to date. But sometimes I do question whether or not I should be talking to her. I talk to her for 3 reasons:
1. She is family
2. She is a counsellor and has provided me with good advice
3. She is H’s mother and he is currently living with so good insight

She has had a few conversations with H. She is not pushing him in any way. She has given him a few things to think about but is cautious not persuade him. I thanked her for her support to H.

We have a regular Thursday coffee meeting. Do you guys think I should stop this or continue?

Why stop? You obviously enjoy each others company and support. I don't know that I would be TOO telling of everything to her. We are talking about her son; it would probably be best to keep the chit chat about him to a minimum.