Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again After MLC, do they understand their behavior?

You guys are amazing. Right now I am torn and feeling guilty.
Its funny you shoul mention warnings 25yrs, because I gave H lots of warning what would happen if M didn't work...I was moving home. When I found out about the OW/PA/lies I reacted, and immdiately started planning to go home. I bought a house, started packing etc. It was going fine too, because I was still seeing H in MLC. Now I'm seeing changes I have guilt about not taking a breath and really seeing how I felt, and how this would affect the kids etc. I really wish I could stay; the kids could stay in the home they know, stay in their school, keep their friends and h would be here. We could maybe work on the marriage. However, I hate this town. I am so isolated and home sick. I feel selfish in this, but I have done H`s life 10 years I feel like I should get to do mine now...but now the guilt of at everyone else`s expense. People keep reminding me that H caused this, this was not my 1st choice.
And my kids are outgoing, and will make a new life, and they will have tons fo family around, which they have never experienced. They choose the new house and seem excitted about it. A close friend of the family is a teacher at their new school, they think that is cool. I go back and forth. Too bad MLC couldn`t have contined until I left...haha, so much easier to detach.

Just had another wake up tonight as to just how sensitive this situation is. I was talking to one of my really close friends (she is actually a counsellor too). She has known H her whole life, and her H and my H have been best friends since they were 5. I told her about what has been going on, and my feelings. I thought she would say I should give him another chance, but no, she made it clear she thinks I should never ever consider it. I made me re-realize that other people are on their own journey with this as well. I do wonder what her H would say. It took him some time, but he is one of H's few shoulders to lean on. He told him, "It would be easy to walk away, but that would be making it too easy for you".

Some food for thought...



Well, they will miss their father and they'll have only one parent, and that gets old fast. And whatever chance of recon, probably will disappear, unless he can get to you. So now, in a way, the shoe is on the other foot?

Plus, saying all this stuff about how it really won't be a big deal on your kids to move away, find new friends in a new school and NOT have their dad around...Um, no offense, but when you minimize it, you do what WASs do when they discuss how "resilient" kids are in divorce and how they aren't really leaving their families, just their spouses...

For me the choices were simple b/c I was focussing on stability for the girls and so I knew I was not moving for at least 2 years b/c that's when d16 would finish HS. They each felt very reassured when I told them we are NOT moving, no matter what was going to happen with h and me. (We were military so we moved 17 times in 30 years, and moves are harder on kids than we like to think. Maybe having family there will compensate. But it's still more upheaval) My kids stayed in the same home, same school and had same friends while H was off discovering the arctic. 2 Years was very manageable. But I was ready to move later on. I looked forward to the idea of moving where I wanted to live without making it about h's career, for once.

Point is, my h did begin his journey back home after I had accepted his absence, so I get where you are coming from.
But let's look at this from another point of view...

You have kids. They love their dad, and he loves them. And YOU are taking them away b/c YOU were hurt and angry by your H's A. You immediately chose to leave the area, AND BUY A HOUSE in your home town, to be around your family. This is an example of you reacting on your behalf to protect your heart, not your children's. You did what you felt you needed to do and though that's alright, and it's understandable, don't kid yourself about it being for them. It's not for them.

So how's it going to be when the kids ask you why you left, and or why it was so rushed? Or why you refused to reconsider the M, even when he made the changes you had wanted?

I think you'll regret not taking a breath. I think a part of you already knows this.

But hey, if you're done, you're done. It just does not sound as if you are there.

Unfortunately, I have to move. I am now legally bound to that house. When I made the decision, yes part of it was me fleeing, but part of it was I knew I would need the help. I had no thought (then) of reconciling, and wanted to start fresh with friends and family to help me. I was overwhelmed with the idea of being a single mom to 3. H wasn't around much. Plus, OW was still in the picture until a few weeks ago, and I couldn't handle ppl around here thinking they need to update me what was going on with them. My kids were starting to hear things too.
Part of me is still not sure we can/should get back together. I really feel that it can't be here, if its to happen. I have a strong suspicion that if I stayed, H would go right back to his old ways. Not necessarily cheating, but working 24/7 and neglecting his family again, and then me feeling isolate/resentful again.
He doesn't have to change careers, but if we are to make it, he needs to give up his current position. There is a reason why most others who do it are a lot older. It doesn't mesh well with a young family. He could easily transfer; he just has to see it.
H and I talked last night, and he says he understands that completely.
I know this will be hard on everyone, it already has been.

then I guess HE has his work cut out for him...

But just to toss this idea out to you, (so I know I did) if you bailed on the house deal, you would not be the first person to change her mind. Just so you know you really have ALL the relevant info, what would you lose if you made a different choice? Like maybe moving somewhere easier for him to move? (Idk if it's tough for him to move to your hometown, other than his fears of disapproval, which isn't a big concern but why make it harder than it already will be?)

try to keep the road home paved and smooth...while also realizing you are already moving your kids to a new home and he'd have to leap a bit to get to you guys. SO if he gets there, give him some credit.

FYI, I DO understand your choices.

25yrs, thank you for your input. I do appriciate not sugar coating it.
If he comes, I will give him tones of credit,and so will everyone else. He has been told this too. I think everyone else is also waiting for him to make a change. One other thing about staying here, is the circle of "friends" he has at work. 80% of them are cheating on their spouses. Its a don't ask, don't tell policy. Something I have just been made aware of. I know H's old friends, and they would be disgusted to behave like that. I've moved twice in the last 10 years for H, so maybe its H's turn to sacrifice something? It just feels like too much is against us here...more so than peoples opions back home. Those people are willing to except him back. I've told him I will help him mend fences back home too.
My feeling is, we can't get back together right now anyway. His change of heart seems to have happened as quickly as the "bomb". I need to be sure, and he needs to be sure. Then baby steps. We are talking, really talking so that is a good step. We've been together for so long and been through so much, I realize the distance will be hard, but I don't think its impossible. As hard as the move will be, I think staying would be worse in the long run.

I think I get it. I may have mentioned that my kids and I have moved 17 times in 30 years, so by my standards, 2 moves in 10 years isn't a lot. (We were military).

But this is Not really about who owes whom a move, or career sacrifice.
And if a geographic move will help (it won't "solve" it if he's prone to cheat but I do believe we should surround ourselves with healthy couples). I know for a fact it has helped our m.

We now avoid or reduce our exposure to the couples who fight or have that weird "silent tension" where you KNOW they either just had a fight or they mean something weird when they say something to each other in front of us (the subtext shows us a lot more than they think they do). If they fight with each other in front of us, that's toxic, so I do understand the need to get out of a toxic environment. (Probably like some Hollywood people or some athletes??)

Anyhow, keep posting. Good luck