Still waiting for posts to appear; not sure what I have already written...
After W texted me at work this morning indicating she wanted a D, I was mostly numb and useless for the rest of the day. Got home, sat down and looked around at the house we had bought together 10 years ago with grand visions of renovating it into a real showpiece. Today we are only about 50% there. I remembered the countless hours we worked side-by-side to paint, open doorways, close doorways, tear out walls, refinish floors, install trim...and I lost it. Sat there and cried uncontrollably for what seemed like forever. I thought about all of the dreams we had that were going down the tubes, all of the things we talked about that would not happen...I got onto my knees in the middle of our living room and asked God to take this burden from me (I am a Christian and a believer, so it was easy to ask Him to take it).
More to come...
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
After a while I got myself together and left for practice. Got home around 9:45 and saw W's light on in her/our bedroom. Knocked on the door and she asked me to come in. I said, "Let's call a truce." She agreed. I said that neither of us could afford to move out on our own, so we should make the best of it while we are under the same roof. She agreed. I then asked her to slow down with the D process and just take a breath before she got that started. Also agreed. I apologized for going through her things and assured her that I got only pain and misery from that, and I would no longer invade her privacy. She thanked me. i thanked her for her kindness in speaking to me warmly. Gave her a kiss on the cheek and said goodnight.
It probably was not DB or DR behavior but it put the D process on a shelf for now, and allowed both of us to go to bed without being angry with each other, so as far as I'm concerned, it's behavior that worked. I'll take it.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
The rollercoaster is no fun. We seem to be all over the grid in our behaviors to each other. SS21 has been unusually difficult to handle lately and it's wearing on both of us. W retreated to her room again this evening to text/talk to whomever about God-knows-what. I know I should not let that bother me but it does. Between the clandestine conversations she has while I'm around and the money she sent to OM, I feel like I'm being royally...played.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Telemark, sorry to hear about the D bomb. I'll be praying for you. Look for God's will and purpose in this. He is refining you into the man He created you to be.
Glad to hear you've at least been able to put the D process on the shelf. Keep working on yourself. Be the man only a fool would leave.
W sent $200 to the OM. She claims it was to help him out since he is out of work. I think it is for a plane ticket for him to come this way and see her when I am out of town (she has my schedule for the year) but she denies that.
Why did you do this?
Originally Posted By: telemark
We both brought tons of emotional baggage with us, and never learned how to deal with it.
Ok so that was then this is now. When are you going to deal with ALL your baggage? Now might be the time my friend.
IF
You want to.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
4. W never got over the guilt of her first divorce and our affair.
Did you? Her guilt is hers. Yours we can deal with and that is all.
Just to warn you some may not be so kind towards you because you were the OM in someone else's pain.
Part of your healing?
Maybe?
Me?
We all have to move through life and either learn or not and it really makes ALL the difference.
What do want?
What is important to you?
What are you prepared to do for it if you are not guaranteed it will end up your way?
BTW welcome here. You have come to a good place.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
jbnati, thanks for the reply. Yes, I'm trying to be that man.Some days are better than others.
Truegritter, I have read many of your posts and have found them to be very honest and wise. Thanks for taking time to reply. I'll try to answer your comments here:
"Why did you do this?" Why did I do...what? Snoop? Insecurity, need to know, panic...pick one. Or why did I give her my schedule? With our SS21, who is autistic, we constantly have to ensure somebody is always available to care for him when he is at our house.
"When are you going to deal with ALL your baggage?" I may never deal with ALL my baggage, but I'm working through what has adversely impacted my marriage by reading (DB, DR), visiting this forum a lot and finding out how others deal with their baggage, counseling...I can say with all honesty I'm a better man than I was 3 months ago.
"Just to warn you some may not be so kind towards you because you were the OM in someone else's pain." I understand that. I hope that most of the posters here can forgive my sins of the past, because beating me up over that will be of no benefit.
"What do want?" What is important to you?" What are you prepared to do for it if you are not guaranteed it will end up your way?" Those are the big questions for anyone here, aren't they? And hard to answer in just a few sentences, but if I had to I would say I want a firm relationship with God; peace in my life; a partner who loves me and accepts me for who I am, not who they want me to be; and a sense of purpose.
I already know my M will probably not end up my way, and I am mentally and emotionally preparing myself for that. I told W, "I would rather see you happy but apart from me, than miserable and with me."
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
