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Welcome to the convincing stage.
(I just made that up). I can tell from my own sitch others here and reading yours, that your W is right now trying to convince herself that this marriage is worth it.

Ok so she says she broke it up with OM, she is still in the house, yet is not willing to truly work at fixing things. I know this sitch, she's keeping her options open. She is willing to start working by doing basic yet important things, yet at the same time is so doubtful things will work that she is staying distant in order to not get hurt if things don't work out. Getting a divorce is a very tough thing to do, they may still love the person, but are so annoyed at particular traits that they need to do a lot of self convincing and emotional wall building to protect themselves from what is an ugly and hurtful process.

Most people report that they don't even recognize their WAW's after the bomb. That is because the WAW has spent years creating this alter ego that will be strong and ruthless enough to be able stomach the divorce.

Ok so what does this all mean for YOU? Well your W is holding on to her alter ego, because she most likely doesn't believe things will change. It will be frustrating because you will want for her to let you in, but she won't. Letting you in would make her feel weak and vulnerable. In many ways she is still convinced it won't work, but is probably staying for the kids or because single life is too hard, or maybe OM left her. Whatever her reason is, it is not becauseshe sees hope. It is most likely because the alternatives are too grim.

So what is the silver lining in all of this? She is cold and distance because she thinks the marriage will not change. Time to prove her wrong!!!! Now more than ever you need to show her that you are serious about the 180's and GAL. You need to keep doing them, do more, and never backslide. In order to convince her that you have chAnged, you need to truly change for yourself first!

This will be a long and hard road, she may even resent you for waiting so long to start changing. Rest assure she will definitely put you in situations where she will test your resolve to see if you have truly changed. Truth is she may love the new you, but her actions tell me that she does not believe that new you is here to stay. You are not a sure bet, so she is not willing to bet the house yet. Give it some time, prove her wrong.

One last note, when it comes to intimacy give her all the space in the world. Let her come to you. When she does respond back in a proportionally equal way. (do not escalate). When it comes for sex, you might as well just forget about it for now, trust me in the mood she is in she most likely is not ready for it yet. Any that you coax out of her will most likely be "duty" sex, she will resent you for this, she won't enjoy it, and will just further convince her the magic is gone. I'll say it again do not initiate! If she wants it from you, let her initiate. WAW seem to think that everything we do nice for them is because we want sex. This is a major turn off, this may not apply to you, but I bet she will appreciate not feeling hunted down for intimacy. Let her come to you.

Yesterday I was out the door before W woke up and then in bed at night by the time W got home. Not a word between us the entire day; very difficult to take when we are both still living under 1 roof.

This morning as I am writing this I feel...nothing. If she stood in front of me this very minute and said she was filing for a D and moving out I think I would say, "The sooner the better." Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has hurt me so deeply on so may levels, and lied to me about her feelings since before we were married?

And yet, I also feel like I still need to do all I can to save this M. Somewhere inside the person my W has become is the person I fell in love with and married, and - despite what she has said - the person who fell in love with and married me. She has spent most of her life dealing with abandonment and emotional abuse issues stemming from her miserable parents' behavior. I know that at some point we have to stop blaming others for our issues, but she has never been able to do that; she still feels guilt, shame and resentment from her first M and subsequent D.

In view of that, I am sure she is wrestling with some very strong demons. If I have learned anything from this website, it is that I will not be any good to anyone - wife, kids, friends or future relationships - until I take care of myself.

The OM is back. W "re-friended" him on FB and has been messaging back & forth. The "no more contact with OM" lasted 9 days. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Honestly, I feel...nothing. No anger. No sadness. Disappointment, maybe. We have gone 2 days without saying a word to each other. The woman I married is gone, I’m afraid, and replaced by this other person whom I do not know at all. I look at her and think, “I do not want to spend the rest of my life with this person.”

greenblue90, somehow I missed your reply here; sorry. You make some great observations, especially about her staying only because the alternatives are bleak. A day or 2 after the bomb, she said she would stay only because it was "right" and not because she wanted to.

Unfortunately the OM is back in the picture again (as I mention in one of my recent posts). And as I mentioned, I no longer feel the numbing pain I felt when I first learned of her EA with him. What I do feel is the need to set my boundaries regarding this - that I will not be married to someone who is in love with someone else. It feels like she is testing my limits to see if I have any self-respect left.

To be absolutely honest (with you and myself) at this moment I could not care less if she decided to move out and move on.

Journaling...and trying to get my post count up so I can graduate from "moderated posts" status...

Came home last night around 8:30 after playing mandolin with my good friend's praise band at his church. W was in her home office, door closed, Skyping w/ her younger sister (I could hear and recognize her voice). Checked my e-mail and went directly to my bedroom for more reading (DR). Resisted the urge to tiptoe downstairs and try to hear their conversation; what good would it do me, anyway? And...I had a mental picture of me sneaking around like some pathetic child trying to hear something he shouldn't. Not attractive at all.

Had a decent morning with W. We sat at the kitchen table, had coffee and talked about work, house projects and schedules. She then dropped me off to pick up my bike while on her way to work. Again, pleasant and benign conversation. Resisted more urges to talk about our sitch or R. As we rode in her car, I looked over at her and thought to myself, "She looks like the woman I married, she sounds like the woman I married but she is no longer the woman I married." And at that very moment, I realized that even if we D, I'd be OK. Probably better than OK.

Of course, tonight I may end up crying into my pillow, but for now I've got some peace of mind.

Sidebar to my most recent post...

I mentioned playing w/ my good friend's band at church, which I have done a few times recently. That has been a great stress reliever(I also play in my own church's band, but it's fun to get together with other musicians). Charlie (friend) and his wife have been through their own personal hell with previous Ds, crazy ex-spouses and troubled kids, so they understand what I am going through and are my most close and intimate support group.

So last night Charlie asks how things are going and I tell him the latest. He replies, "A couple of women (in the church) have been asking about you." You can imagine how that helped soothe my crushed self-respect and male ego. Obviously nothing is going to happen in that arena while I am still married, but it's nice to know there might be something to look forward to if the worst happens.

Talked this morning...wasn't really about R or D, more about the future of our M. What led to it was that my W has been sleeping constantly when she is not at work or not on the computer. She spends little or no time with her S and I think is starting to feel guilty about it. She brought all of this up, I told her I was concerned about her well-being, she asked about mine and we went from there.

I told her-as gently and lovingly as I could- that living as roommates was very difficult; that I'm trying to give her the time and space she says she needs but also that I would not spend the rest of my life in a loveless marriage; that we both deserve to be happy but we need to be honest with ourselves and each other if we could not see our happiness in being married to each other; and that although I could do nothing about whatever decision she comes to, I would not beg her to stay or stand in her way.

Did I show my hand too much? Don't know. She did tell me she's going to our friends' home this Friday and spending the night there; that stung because it used to be us going to their home. Feels like we're entering the "divide up the friends" stage.

Was talking to my friend about the current state of affairs. He asked if we were sleeping in separate bedrooms. Told him yes, I had moved into my son's bedroom several weeks ago. "Oh no", he says, "You should not have done that. You've given up your role as leader in your house and now you appear weak to your W. She is the one who is trashing your marriage; she is the one who should find a new place to sleep."

Not sure what to make of that...

Posting, posting, posting...

Been over on the MLC forum reading the posts there; now I'm starting to consider my W is falling victim to that. She's 48, so turning 50 is right around the corner; her moods are all over the charts; she started Zumba classes at almost the same time she connected with the OM on Facebook...I don't know, it just seems to me that all the planets are in alignment for this to be a real condition.

So I now look at her differently. The EA with the OM - who is now out of the picture for good, I think - was a small band-aid she was trying to put on a huge wound. I fully admit to behaviors I exhibited during our M that added to her pain. But her tendency to find the cloud in every silver lining, her feeling that everyone she has loved has abandoned her (and therefore makes her the perpetual victim) and the possibility she is facing a MLC makes me realize there is so much going on underneath the surface that has little to do with me. Now I want to, as 25yearsmlc says, "Keep the road back home paved smooth."

I've also been reading posts by Truegritter, Denver_2010, 25yearsmlc...and all I can say to them, as well as everyone else here, is "Thank you". They have been truly inspirational. When this all started on March 7, I never thought I would get even this far without losing it. But I have learned to be patient, to stop obsessing about my W's every word and action, to keep myself healthy and to understand that I am not responsible for her thoughts, her actions or her behaviors.

Only a couple of weeks ago I was close to telling her "Go. Get out of my life." But that is the exact opposite of what I want. So I will work on reinventing myself. If she comes around and sees me for who I have become, and not who I was, then we both win. If she walks and continues to walk, I will know that I gave it everything within me to give.

P.S. to my recent post about MLC...I had mentioned in an earlier post that W is going to our mutual friends' home tomorrow (Friday) night and plans to spend the night. I thought spending the night there was a bit odd until W told me she plans to do, in her words, "an exceptional amount of drinking". Which would not sound too unusual except for the fact that my W seldom drinks; in fact, my drinking was one of the reasons she gave me for the breakdown in our M. She never accepted my invitations to go out to clubs, and even at home maintained a strict 1 glass of wine regimen.

In hindsight, I'm sure she declined my invitations because of her fear that I would turn into a nasty drunk, which happened several times in the early years of our M. But to hear her tell me she is going to do exactly what she criticized me for doing is somewhat unsettling (but not enough for me to get all bent out of shape). At least she is smart enough to spend the night there rather than try to drive home. I commend her for that. But it's almost like she is doing her own 180 to her typical behaviors.

Don't know what to expect on Saturday morning; never had to deal with a hungover W before.