TG I haven't written too often to you but I've been reading everything and one thing you said really stuck out to me as far as a reason you are hurting and a reason that maybe you are finding it hard to "walk away".
You said, "A void.
And that is just sharing your life with someone."
The reason that I clung so long to hanging on emotionally to my XH when every iota of hope in resurrecting anything GOOD was lost was because I had it in my head that my life would be a void/have a void if I did not have him or a partner in it. Almost a year of therapy and some very hard work and soul-searching has taught me that this is a belief that was destroying me because it was keeping me stuck in the place of pain and regret. It was also making it so that in my head, I could not simply "go on" without XH or else if I did, I'd be giving in to that void and saying "alright, now I'm alone, so that's a WORSE place to be than waiting for him to come back so we can share our life again.
The fear of this void and the belief that it HAD to be filled for me to experience happiness or peace also made me feel pressure to find someone else, so I started to actively think about how I could meet someone/where I could find someone.
So if a belief you have is destroying you, you get rid of the belief and you are free. There is no reason to have the "belief" that we have to have a lover/romantic partner in our life or else there is a void. That's something we may have been taught over the years and it's a reason that people marry when they shouldn't or stay together when it's not working or put up with an absurd amount of emotional abuse to stay together.
There are other things that fill the void. There are other relationships we have with both ourselves and others that are NOT of that kind of romantic/sexual/intimate nature but of other types of intimacy that DO allow us to share.
When I made the decision to say it was ok for me to have those other relationships now and perhaps in my future and to LET GO of the one I wanted but couldn't have, I was able to emotionally detach from XH. This was a landmark for me. It didn't happen overnight, it sort of came to me over a week or so of time about a month or so ago, and since then I have entirely embraced the idea of letting him go not just physically but emotionally.
If you tell yourself that you must have her or someone else to share your life with or you have a void, you will be stuck until you can get rid of the power of that belief over yourself.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I lost my way. I gave in to my anger and forgot what I have learned here over the course of my journey.
I have been reading over all the great words you folks have said to me.
Also I went back to my own notes and found my answer in my own hand From way back in August 2010:
Originally Posted By: Truegitter's Creed
The longer we stay in our marriage the more people think we are a victim, a doormat, a martyr to the marriage. We may believe this too because we do not know who we are really. We have lost ourselves in our marriage and in self doubt because of the crisis in our life. So we run away and confirm to ourselves that we are victims and confirm others' assessment of us. We run further away from the path to find ourselves. To know who we are. Because when we choose this, who we are is what others perceive us to be and when we believe THAT then we will always be beholden to others for our SELF. We will be defined by others, and live with self doubt, unless we understand otherwise. We will not understand otherwise because it will happen again and again until we do.
Or
We walk further down the path. We detach. We understand that what our spouse is doing is not to us. It is because of their fears and insecurities. It is because, in part, the way we have behaved. It is because most of all what THEY feel inside.
We understand that we have no control over this. We set boundaries to protect ourselves and our family. We don’t fully understand why we are walking down this path. We still doubt why we are since we don’t understand why our spouse is still making these choices. And we think we will be validated for all the self doubt we still harbor if our spouse comes back. If we could get that to happen then we would be ok. Time goes on. Our friends and others who have experienced this question why we are still doing this. Why would you want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t want to be with you?
It is their choice and not about you BUT why would you want to stay in this because it still is causing you pain?
Why is it still causing you pain? Because you STILL feel that your worth is dependent on your spouse.
And you are still a doormat. What are we missing? We all want to feel loved. We think about it, hope for it, fantasize about it, go to great lengths to achieve it, and feel that our lives are incomplete without it. The lack of unconditional love is the cause of most of our anger and confusion. It is no exaggeration to say that our emotional need for unconditional love is just as great as our physical need for air and food.
We learned that love was conditional, that we had to get it from the people around us with our words and behavior. And that is how we perceive it when it is given. We give when expect to get it.
Isn’t our marriage based on this? Isn’t this where it derailed? Isn’t this why we still feel we have to get our spouse back? Otherwise we ARE what we fear we are: UNLOVABLE. How do we need to be loved? At this point in your journey it is still about how you need to be treated (loved) and yourself worth and respect is still dependent on your spouse and others. We may decide to leave at this point because of the long suffering we have endured at the hands of our spouse and predicament. If we leave now [AND IN THIS WAY] we confirm our ignorance of what love means and confirm that to our spouse that your love was not real but dependent and conditional. You confirm again all the self loathing your spouse feels inside because the person that is supposed to love them hasn’t and won’t and never will. You also confirm this most importantantly in YOURSELF.
We then begin to understand… We yearn for a deeper answer. We crave knowledge that has so far been unattainable. We want to know the mystery of love. The mystery of our marriage. To know ourselves. To remove self doubt. To know who we are at our core. We start to focus on ourselves. To look inside and know who we are. Find things we don’t like. Endeavor to change them. To learn what and who we aspire to be. Not as someone our spouse wants us to be. We tried that already. Who we really are. When you do that you begin to understand why you are standing for your spouse and your marriage. And you start to learn what real love is. Unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also when other people care about our happiness unconditionally.
And what it is not It is not what we have lived in our life and our marriage up to now. It is not controlling. It does not desire and force. It does not depend on action or inaction from our spouse. And so as we let this soak in and as it takes hold we discover an amazing thing and it gives life to us and breaths hope into our spirits and that is
Unconditional love is when we love despite the foolish choices of our spouse, when they fail to do what we desire, regardless of any choice they make. This love alone has the power to heal all wounds, deliver self respect and remove all doubt for you and your spouse. It allows love and healing to flourish. This is how we need to be loved. And this is the paradox. That we only get this when we give it.
And now is the opportunity.
There is no GREATER opportunity you will ever have in your life then NOW to express this kind of love. To do this takes greater courage than most people will ever understand and will ever know. And you have received this wonderful gift only by going through the experience. By the trial. By the tragedy. What greater thing could you aspire to do. EVER.
I have traveled long and far on this path and I still come back to this.
I have cycled through my recent disapointment and anger.
And just as I cannot force my W to do anything I cannot force myself to do soemthing I am not ready to do or that goes against myself.
The angriest man, is the man who knows he is wrong, and denies it.
You have seen that anger from me here.
I am ready to let it be filled with the peace of my own words above.
I realize now that you can never sit back and rest on your laurels
That this takes constant work, assessment, correction and fortitide.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks for posting that Gritter. I needed it very badly.
Cut and pasted it to my own there. Hope that you don't mind.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You are a man among men. I think we all aspire to achieve this.
I dont know if its possible for everybody. It will take a lot work and understanding.
Perhaps the place to start is to recognize that SHE is not perfect and makes many errors based on her insecurities and hurt. And she should be forgiven for those.
If I am understanding this correctly, we need to look inside ourselves but not be blind to what she is going through as well and understand that she has not tried to better herself. She just wanted pain and boring life to go away and saw us as the only problem to this.
I hope I am getting this.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
You mentioned above that you have 'cycled through your recent disappointment and anger.' I believe you. IMO, you were long overdue a good, loud, screaming fit. Women enjoy it. Men avoid it. It was a healthy bm of the mind and spirit.
Not that it's any of my business, but I am confused as to just where your mind is perched these days. Continue on and let the future unfold without prodding from you, or have you come to the realization you are ready to move on? Or still unsure? Not asking for any reason other than to understand where your mind is pointed. You may not know.
Regardless, I think a good mind purge is a wonderful thing. You wouldn't want to do it on a weekly basis. Then you'd be Newt Gingrich ( hope you are not a fan, or offended) I think of it as that moment on the movie 'Apollo 13' where they had to spin wildly and without direction in order to get back on course.
I have had some conversations off line with some of your favorite cartoon characters here and I wanted to put some of that here because I feel it may be helpful for me to have it here too.
I think I have come to a big realization. I had/have all these expectations of her of how it looks when I would take her back.
Contrition. Begging me to come back. Taking responsibility for her actions by telling me she is sorry for what she did.
I have punished her after each transgression during our M and I still bring it up to justify why she needs get on her knees and beg my forgiveness.
Who the f@ck would want to come back to that? Why do I NEED that?
How would I feel if I let that go? How would she feel if she feels like I have done that?
I am not talking about getting back together right now. That has been the outcome I have been focusing on and which has led me here and seeing myself as victim.
I am the victim. And I am the only one who can release myself from that. I don’t need her to do it BUT I have expected her to.
What if I let her go. I mean I let all of it go all the sh!t she did, all of the need for contrition, all of the conditions I might have for a reconciliation OR moving on
…The outcome? Maybe that my very presence doesn’t remind her of how much she f@cked up. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. The neon sign that flashes in her head "YOU SUCKK" I don’t want to be the wellspring of pain for her.
By holding on to that, and any expectation between us ... I am killing her and myself.
Why did I sabotage our meeting? To punish her again.
And again. And again until.... I feel better? I don’t feel better. I am angry. Not with her, with myself.
Angry that I am not getting the apology or the contrition I need? Why should I place that in her hands?
Is this answer really that f@cking simple? Apparently I have to live 20 years of my life with two different women who have betrayed me to understand that I had the answer to my salvation all along.
Now how not to forget that….ever.
More...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
What am I entitled to? She is my wife that makes me entitled to what?
Absolutely nothing.
My marriage makes me obligated?
To what I define. What I choose to give or not give.
Her choices? Are hers.
Would they be what I choose. Maybe. Maybe not.
If they aren't am I entitled to some contrition or apology from her?
Only if I wish to remain tied to that. Only if I wish to remain stuck and hang my peace and happiness on the action of another.
Bad behavior? My choice to be the victim of that.
Boundary? Only until you understand the above. Boundary is control. Control? Only yourself. The rest is an exercise of futility...
...you will live in fear of what lies beyond the boundary.
If not you will forever be vulnerable to that which your boundary seeks to protect.
Demand respect? only of your SELF.
Give? what defines love for YOU. Choose? what your choices speak about YOU
Live? With peace, dignity and grace.
That is what I forgot.
To this I want share
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
YOU need your freedom back and rubbing her face in the A or your pain or whatever solves nothing.
It ties you both to the hurt.
Neither of you can move past it. Neither wants to feel like they caused this.
But you are most likely to be able to see this as a cumulation of events and accept it as such.
As I seem really fond of analogies, consider any airplane crash you ever saw reenacted.
There is usually no single event that you can point at and say "Aha!!"
It's this little thing added to that backup that failed plus human error and weather, etc.
If both of you are looking for THAT smoking gun, you will miss what really happened. And never solve it.
I'm not saying I am there yet either but I believe that it's in this somewhere.
Only when you are willing to see accept ALL of it; the hundreds of little things that we've done or said (or not done or said) that CUMULATIVELY created this are you in a place to forgive yourself and them.
We're human and imperfect.
I hope he doesn't mind me sharing that.
I deserve better? Yes I do BUT because I choose it and not because my W is choosing something different than I want.
If I acted differently to her pain and struggles....
Would I be here?
I don't know and it doesn't matter because it happened and we are here. I do deserve better
And so does she.
Anyone does because this is a pile of sh!t I think we all would agree.
And we control when we climb on top of the pile and say
"I will not live in this pile of sh!t!"
And walk of the pile without a concern for who piled it so high or who placed more of their crap on it to build it up.
Sh!t is sh!t no matter how you measure it.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
True, I recognize the wisdom you have written that you must have gleaned from talking to some of the cartoon characters.
I have always felt that db gives you tools to navigate through life. It is a kind of roadmap, if used correctly.
But in my little mind, the biggest and most important part of it is the letting go.
I mean really and truly letting go.
For me it meant feeling the hurt and anger, working through it and then releasing it. Because to hold onto it, stops you from moving forward.
It meant giving myself permission to feel that I might hate what my xh has done and the way he's done it, but, that was his choice. I would have made a different one.
It means that if I truly say I love him, then I love him enough to let him go.
It means placing it all in God's hands.
It means moving forward in my life without regard to what he is doing or saying.
It means forgiving him for me.
It meant not expecting an apology or contrition from him.
True, my xh has told me he is sorry. He has told me he should have done things differently. He has told me I didnt deserve to be hurt.
Nice to hear, but, doesnt change my direction.
No one knows what the future holds. I know which way I'm going. If one day he decides to look in my direction, well, depending on where I am, I will figure it out then.
It is only when we really and truly let go without any strings attached, that we find peace.
You're sounding a lot better man. Those were some excellent questions you posted the other day. Mainly because they are questions with answers that can be found within you.
When we look toward and expect them to have any answers, that's when we run into trouble. Like B says, better just to let them go.
