Really nervous about talks tomorrow with H and MIL. I think I may have made a mistake by agreeing to this. What do you all think?
I feel that this is not the right environment to be discussing these issues. But MIL thinks that its best that there be a mediator as we are not communicating effectively. As she puts it - H is not beeing assertive.
She asked me whether I wanted to continue to spend time together with H and S during the week night. To be honest I dont. Not if he is still in a R with OW. It hurts too much.
How do I say communicate this effectively without sounding hurt? Like I couldnt give a damn about H and OW?
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
RNP, this post may be too late to help, but IMO, Mediator = Yes MIL = No
I don't care how professional or objective she feels she may be, THIS IS HER SON. I hope you watch what you say, because it can be used against you and backed up by MIL.
I know she is trying to help, but it just doesn't sound kosher to me.
I met with MIL and H on the weekend. MIL started by asking H and I to state one issue regarding parenting of S3. H stated that he felt that S3 needed more discipline. He went on to explain details of how this made him feel. I validated his point but did say that I was trying my best and it was difficult as S3 and I were staying at my parents house and therefore I could not control how my mum disciplines S3 whilst I am not home. In turn I stated that I felt it was unfair that H was not consistent with the days that he was coming over to see S3. He got to pick and choose which days he would come over and he was always late or cancelled. I could see that he was a little annoyed by this and he tried to reason that he had a busy work schedule. Of course we didnt resolve this issue. But at least I got to say how I felt.
Then MIL asked H and I to state one thing that bothered us about the situation we are in. H took a long time before he answered. At least 5 minutes of silence. My patience kicked in at this point - normally I would have interrupted and said look dont worry about it. But I stayed calm. H then stated that he felt uncomfortable seeing me dressed in my "new clothes". When he has come to pick up S3 from the house I have also been dressed to go out with friends. For the past couple of weeks I have been going out dancing to clubs etc, GAL and just having some fun. He said that one of the tops I was wearing was inapproapriate as he could see my "pink" bra. H stated that I never dressed like this before and he stated that he didnt like it. He said it made him feel jealous and angry. He said that it felt like I was I was trying to make him feel jealous. He felt that I was trying to rub it in his face that I was single and could do what I liked. This took me by surprise and I became a bit defensive. I did backslide as I went into justification mode. He noticed this and got agitated. At this point S3 came back from playing in the park with his uncle. So I did not get to say what bothered me about the situation. It was a good thing really because I think enough had been said.
I didnt feel good about the meeting. MIL said that she thought it went well because H opened up and stated how he felt which he never does. I get what she is saying but it felt like it didnt achieve much. What do you think?
Also I got a little dissapointed when I found out that H wasnt coming to S3 soccer game. Instead he was going to some dance class with OW. He could tell that I was upset. Which he told MIL about. H said that he felt he didnt have much free time so he should get to do what he wants when he gets it.
Over the weekend Ive been thinking alot. I finally got a copy of the DR book. It made a lot of sense. And after reading it I came to the conclusion that I need to do the LRT. That means no more going out with H & S. No more family time. The truth is we are not a family anymore. H has chosen to be with OW and not me. This hit me quite hard on the weekend and I was quite upset by some of the realisations of the situation.
Ive become so much more independent. I have come to understand that no matter what happens I will be ok. H use to tell me that he use to worry that if we ever broke up that I would not be ok. The truth is the person I was in the marriage wouldnt have been ok. But the person I am becoming now is going to be ok. I still have alot of work to do on myself. I have many more goals to achieve and thats what I need to work on.
At this present time I still think way too much about my situation and about H. I really hope that time will heal my wounds and make me stronger. I know that I also need to work on them. I am standing for my marriage but I am also moving on for myself. I am letting go for both H and myself.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
I met with MIL and H on the weekend. MIL started by asking H and I to state one issue regarding parenting of S3.
Just parenting...okay...
In turn I stated that I felt it was unfair that H was not consistent with the days that he was coming over to see S3. He got to pick and choose
This is NOT really about parenting...but more like a chance to blame him for "other" issues...and pretend it's about s3. Hmmm, food for thought.
which days he would come over and he was always late or cancelled. I could see that he was a little annoyed by this and he tried to reason that he had a busy work schedule. Of course we didnt resolve this issue. But at least I got to say how I felt. He was annoyed. Guilting a spouse usually backfires. Guilt is easily converted into anger at the source of the guilt. Particularly men get angry, so the guilt is actually counter productive. I mean, if you want a recon, he needs to be able to be comfortable with you, at least to discuss s3. Instead, he's annoyed--AND he's not annoyed b/c he thinks you are right...
Then MIL asked H and I to state one thing that bothered us about the situation we are in. H took a long time before he answered. At least 5 minutes of silence. My patience kicked in at this point way to go with the patience...but why that question? isn't the issue for you, the OW? Isn't that obvious?
- normally I would have interrupted and said look dont worry about it. But I stayed calm. H then stated that he felt uncomfortable seeing me dressed in my "new clothes". ......... He said that one of the tops I was wearing was inapproapriate as he could see my "pink" bra. H stated that I never dressed like this before and he stated that he didnt like it.I became a bit defensive. I did backslide as I went into justification mode. He noticed this and got agitated. .....So I did not get to say what bothered me about the situation. It was a good thing really because I think enough had been said. What? Excuse me? Your h is w OW, correct? Um, then, he's in no position to judge you or what you wear, outside the presence of your s3...it's not as if you wore this to a parent teacher conference.
OTOH, this was a chance to do a 180 and CALMLY point out that you find it ironic that he'd feel as if he was in a position to comment on ANY of your extracurriculars, etc. So, why did you get defensive? I think I'd have laughed if my h was w/OW, & thought he had ANYTHING to say about what I was wearing.
Seriously, I think I'd have absolutely NOT shown any anger. Try to be amused at his childish double standards ( any dolt with half a brain would see it, if they weren't so self absorbed)...Sounds like a jealous h, with an unjustified sense of entitlement to comment upon your clothing and attire...wth? Does he have amnesia? Am I missing something in your sitch?
I might have told MIL, "i appreciate your genuine concern but for goodness's sake, under the circumstances, I hardly think what I wear is any of his business & I am not inviting feedback on my acitivities. Now Can we get back to our son??"
Then steer the conversation back. That way you aren't whining or critisizing, you are setting a boundary and you aren't even naming OW as a problem, it's just implicitly obvious. And for the record, He is NOT entitled to comment on a thing you do at this point...
I didnt feel good about the meeting. MIL said that she thought it went well because H opened up and stated how he felt which he never does. I get what she is saying but it felt like it didnt achieve much. What do you think?
At some level, You had expectations and hopes, and that's a mistake. I don't think I'd have another MIL meeting. I give her credit for sounding concerned and trying, but she's just not the person for YOU to go to for help. Besides, she'll still talk to her son. What would YOU get out of meeting with her?
Hey, someday if there's a real chance for recon, and she knows, she will tell you. Or she'll send out a probe. But for now a little mystery is in order. Mystery with tact. So avoid her when it comes to you GAL. Nothing thrown in h's face or he'll assume you are trying to manipulate him.
Also I got a little dissapointed when I found out that H wasnt coming to S3 soccer game. Expectations again...Lower them please. You'll set yourself AND s3 up for disappointment. Just remember that when he DOES show up, you applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does do. I know that's hard...like Mother Teresa hard. But fact is, if he feels guilt or shame or thinks YOU want him to, he'll avoid your company like the plague AND feel vindicated for leaving b/c you will be fueling his negative images of you by complaining or criticizing. You know, the negative justifications he used to leave you. Don't add to them. Make sense?
Instead he was going to some dance class with OW. He could tell that I was upset. Which he told MIL about. H said that he felt he didnt have much free time so he should get to do what he wants when he gets it. How'd you know where he was going? How'd he know you were upset? Oh, you showed him...Lose the anger in front of him at least...
DB says do NOT show the anger to them. No one wants to come home to an angry LBSer...you must lose the anger ( preferably for real) at least in front of him. But, btw, He comments on what you wear, but wants HIS TIME WITH OW to be his own business...No hypocritical double standards? Really? That's laughable...
Over the weekend Ive been thinking alot. I finally got a copy of the DR book. It made a lot of sense. And after reading it I came to the conclusion that I need to do the LRT. That means no more going out with H & S. No more family time. The truth is we are not a family anymore. H has chosen to be with OW and not me. This hit me quite hard on the weekend and I was quite upset by some of the realisations of the situation. You are not an intact family, that's true. But your son has 2 parents who love him. I'm so Glad you have the book. Read it twice before you make any choices. I say this b/c SOMETIMES people make choices based on anger, or a desire to "teach spouse a lesson" or "show them the consequences of their choices", etc. and it's really just anger dictating under the guise of some "lesson taught" whereas my My DB coach said it's NOT OUR JOB TO DO TEACH LESSONS OR CONSEQUENCES, LIFE WILL DO THAT... You might want to reconsider the LRT only b/c "No family time" sounds punitive, AND couldn't you argue that time together as a family, if it were fun, warm, loving, kind and forgiving, would demonstrate to him that you CAN forgive and that the Road Home is Paved and Smooth...?? If you are not together, will he take s3 out with OW? How will you feel about that? I mean if you cannot forgive him, or if he thinks you'll hold the A over his head like the sword of Damacles, then there's no hope really. It's a big reason that some couples who might want to reconcile, don't . The WAS thinks the LBSer won't/can't forgive and sometimes the LBSer gives them cause for believing that. Understand?
Ive become so much more independent. I have come to understand that no matter what happens I will be ok. H use to tell me that he use to worry that if we ever broke up that I would not be ok. The truth is the person I was in the marriage wouldnt have been ok. But the person I am becoming now is going to be ok. I still have alot of work to do on myself. I have many more goals to achieve and thats what I need to work on. THIS IS GREAT STUFF RED, really love seeing this type of insight and confidence.
At this present time I still think way too much about my situation and about H. I really hope that time will heal my wounds and make me stronger . I know that I also need to work on them. I am standing for my marriage but I am also moving on for myself. I am letting go for both H and myself.
Absolutely good attitude to have. You'll have some backward steps, but if your overall progress is forward, you'll be a better woman for all this. And your son will have such a great role model for a woman of dignity and grace. Good for you. Keep it up. READ and RE-Read the DB/DR books...Keep on keeping on.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Eeeeek....i dont know how to quote....never mind Ill learn in a bit. But for now I wanted to reply to your post.
Firstly, thank you so much for replying. Your insight is invaluable. Yes you are correct in saying that I am a little angry (its so much easier to function than when you are sad). Because of this Im confused as to what actions to take next. Here are my options:
1. Continue to go out with H & S one night a week for a little family time. 2. Do something for myself whilst H & S go out and do an activity. I was thinking of enrolling in a self defence class.
Except for last week, our little "family" outings have been quite fun and upbeat. Although one did end up with H & I ML afterwards which in turn made H not contact me for days, which in turn made me feel like chit. H and I never mentioned ML. It was like it never happened. However, I do note that every time we go out H does not contact me for days. This behaviour has not changed for the last 7 weeks. I worry that he is cake eating. H gets to spend most of his days with OW and then gets a little family time to ease his guilt/conscience. Will spending family time with H achieve anything?
However, Im also unsure if I enrol myself in a class that this will make H think that I am punishing him and that I cannot forgive. But I do want to do these activities for self improvement and an added bonus would be that it would give H time to miss me. What do you think? H is picking S3 up tomorrow night. I was planning on not being there and writing an SMS to say that I was doing my self defence class - which I will be doing if thats what I decide upon.
25, yes I did laugh when H talked about my clothes. I couldnt help myself. I dont think he appreciated my outburst but I saw the funny side of it like you did. I couldnt believe H said this when he was cheating on me with OW. WTH! I backslid by justifying myself and saying I felt more confident to wear these clothese because I was going to the gym and felt better. I pointed out they werent for him but for me. But he didnt see it that way. I didnt show anger at all but I could see that he got annoyed. Yes agree jealous H with and unjustified sense of entitlement.
Yes you are right I have to loose the expectations and dissapointment. No anger on my part but dissapointment yes.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
I think Ive confused myself - and now Im upset. I felt that I had made a decision over the weekend to let H go. And after reading your post 25 I felt confused. I feel that Im not letting H go if I continue to do "family" stuff together. This confuses me and perhaps H.
25 I know that you think H might feel like Im punishing him by not doing family activities with him and inturn he might feel like he cant come back to me. But that is simply not the truth. And if he were to ask me I would tell him that the door is open for him to come back. But I cannot and will not allow myself to continue being in limbo. Its simply not healthy for me to question my self all the time. I need to get on with my life. And let H get on with his life.
I know that what I am doing and what I want to achieve is going to make me happy even if H is not in my life anymore. It shouldnt always be about getting H back. It should be about my happiness too. And it should be about H's happiness also. If he says that he is happy with OW - then who am I to question him? Im making assumptions that he is better off with me. Perhaps he is happy? Perhaps not. Only he can judge.
If he decides that he is not happy then he can tell me so. If he wants to get back together with me, then he can tell me so. If or when this happens then I will decide what to do about it. But for now I cannot live my life on "ifs". I can only live life for the here and now. Right now I can go and take self defence classes. Right now he can be with OW.
I cannot control what H does - nor do I want to. I have no control over what makes him happy. I choose to trust myself and my instincts.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
I just want to add something worth noting. Sometimes this get's skipped over on these boards.... We allow "family time" with our x's and our kids. We tend to hope this will help the situation and show our x's our changes. This is an extremely negative situation for our children. They already are hurting badly and want their parents back together.
My x and I have been told by 2 child/family therapists to STOP going out as a family. It confuses the kids and their continue to wonder why their parents are divorced (don't we all).
My x and I started to all go out as a family about every 2 weeks. The truth is most of the time our x's just want to show our kids and the world that this is all "OK". Of course it's not all "OK". A lot of the time it's to ease our x's feeling of guilt.
So yes, our kids absolutely want us to all go out together as a family but I don't believe it's a positive situation. In fact it leaves me feeling awful for days after. If we can all go out and have fun then why can't we keep going..... It turns out my 8 year old daughter feels the same way. Sometimes she pulls my x and I together for a group (family) hug. The last time she did this she was crying afterwards on the way home in the car with me. I understood why she was feeling badly.....
RNP I feel for you. This sure is awful hu?
Hang in there.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
I understand your concern W, but this couple is NOT YET Divorced and she wants a recon. If they were divorced already, I'd agree that family time is NOT a good idea.
Here's the thing Red, I didn't mean to say you were punishing him. I ASKED you to look within to make sure you were not, partly b/c you are angry and got defensive with him. But hey, If you are GAL and need an evening a week to do at least that, DO IT...regardless of what h thinks/ but that is key.
You are GAL for YOU and you cannot care what h thinks about that, so "prepare to not care" when he decides he is entitled to voice an opinion about what YOU do with your free time...
And why must you tell him where you are going or with whom? He has your cell# and can call if there's an emergency. A little mystery would not hurt.
hang in there, I see some hope somewhere in that messy pile (I mean, in all that sh#%, there has to be a pony, right??)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Had a terrible nightmare last night. Dreamt about H and OW. They were laughing and having the best time together. It made me sick to the core. Woke up in a sweat.
I was quite upset yesterday about the decision to have to go dark. I had made up my mind not to see H and do family stuff together. However, after my nightmare I questioned myself again. I missed my H terribly But it would seem that GOD is looking out for me. This morning I received a message from H. He said he was taking a day off and wanted to spend the morning with S3. Then he would be going to a few interviews in the afternoon. Phew! The decision was made for me. So now I dont have to see H. I assume that he will be avoiding me for the next week or month. But Im ok with this. Im working on me and GAL.
Ive been going to the gym during my lunch break and this has really kept my spirits up. I feel so good afterwards . Im also going to enrol in that self defence class.
Im a little sad that I wont have contact with H. But I know its best for both of us. We both need this time to sort through things. And besides he is in replay so its best that I leave him alone to work through his feelings for OW. In time he will realise the person that she is. In time he will realise the person I am. In the meantime I will better myself but not for H, for me.
Im in a good place today. Infact I am sending good vibes to H. I hope he does well in his job interviews. I think that he is a wonderful lawyer and any company would be lucky to have him - when he is in the right frame of mind that is
Cant wait for the weekend. Gonna take S3 out and do some rollerblading. Yes I started rollerblading again, fell flat on my bum and hurt like crazy. But had the best time and picked it up in 2 seconds. I cant believe I ever stopped doing it. Wonder what other fun things I can do on the weekend??
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
food for thought and all that...with some time apart, at least two upsides exist. First of course you won't fight or see negatives...(exccept in your nighmares?)
but second, when you do run into him, the changes in you are easier to see than if you are together on a daily basis. Or at least so I think. 180s done every day don't always look like 180's, you know?
When h was gone for weeks at a time, I GAL and when he came to visit, I looked and acted different...(also I faked a lot but that's beside the point )
Make the best of the time you get for yourself. There are a ton of women around here not getting any. Take care.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
But it would seem that GOD is looking out for me. This morning I received a message from H. He said he was taking a day off and wanted to spend the morning with S3. Then he would be going to a few interviews in the afternoon. Phew! The decision was made for me. So now I dont have to see H. I assume that he will be avoiding me for the next week or month. But Im ok with this. Im working on me and GAL. 
. Im also going to enrol in that self defence class.
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