This guy is a predator, and predators look for the "weak link." Yes, I think you should tell him that you know all about his online activities, and that if he doesn't leave your wife alone, you will expose the both of them.
I'm quite certain he will go away, and look elsewhere, as your "link" will be just too much trouble for him.
1. Ok so you don't believe her, and trust either of them. When will you? The guy is a dirt bag. There is no doubt of that. Your W has not done much to make you feel better. Yet this is your chance to set a benchmark. To get some closure. Go ahead and share the letter with your W. Make sure she understands how you feel. Tell her you want to believe this is it, but that she needs to win back your trust. Always emphasize that you want to trust her. When you do tell her that the hard work is on her court make sure, you don't say it in anger, or even passive aggressively. Make sure you explain to her that this hurt you. Don't make it an attack on her integrity or she will just resent you.
2. As for busting this guy, it will do nothing for your marriage but bring you trouble. It feels like justice but it's really revenge. Remember you are the good guy, he is the dirt bag don't lower yourself to his level. That being said, if you do your wife will most likely side with him. Remember he's the poor twisted soul, who needs your W support. You are Mr Low. on top of that you destroyed his life by outing him! How dare you! I'm sure it must be infuriating to read this, but I think we both know how twisted WAW thinking can be.
3. Finally I can tell by your post that your W is starving for approval, and attention. This low life gave it to her. Rest assured other low lives will too. I'm not saying this to get you paranoid, but to make you realize that you need to find out what she is getting from these OM that she is not from you. Where you can provide that for her do, where you can't make her understand this is who you are.
4. I understand she may not be full blown bi polar. I don't think mine is either. Yet as we both said they have some serious tendencies. I know you must be really hurting, but remember that smile. You have to be Mr realistic high.
1. Stop snooping, not only will it hurt you, it will destroy the positive energy you will get from GAL. It is hard to stay positive after snooping. This is whether you find something or not.
2. Yes your W is WAW a lot of the same behaviors and motivations are there. The only difference is that yours like mine feels the extreme highs and lows of those emotions more. For example a fight for her during a low will be that much more emotionally devastating, at the same time the high she gets from these OM is that much more intense. I truly believe the both of us are in slightly harder sitch's. If yours is anything like mine I bet she is down right evil in the things she says and does. Then hours later will be the most wonderful person in the world. You will most likely ask yourself who is she?!
2. So when she goes through lows it's like her world is falling on her. I'm sure you get blamed for a lot of those lows. It's because she can't understand why she feels so bad, why simple things affect her so terribly, why it seems like nothing will get better. That is being in a low, it [censored] for them and all they can think about is how bad things are. Even if they are far from the truth.
3. Unfortunately this unrealistic and often exaggerated low is their reality. They can't see it any other way. Their feelings and emotions are their reality, never forget that! If you try to convince them otherwise they will just resent you for it, claim you don't understand, or are trying to manipulate them.
4. Worse is when they make decisions during a low. They are really making decisions on bad information their brain is feeding them. All they want is to end the unhappiness and may make bad decisions to try to make things better. (affairs, drugs, alcohol, impulsive spending, you name it). So in conclusion they are desperate to run away from their own feelings of unhappiness, this could mean running away from you.
5. Instead they are seeking that thrill and extreme feeling of happiness they can get when on a high. When in a high every positive feeling is magnified, whether it's a fun concert, a nice evening with you, or the attention an OM provides. It is all greatly magnified. They want to go from this low to a high, and as said before they are so desperate they will do reckless things, and forget they are hurting those around them. It hurts to say this but bi-polar people can be pretty selfish during their highs and lows. All they care about is ending the low and getting the high sometimes.
6. So where do you fit into this? I'm sure if you married her, you used to be part of her high, she probably built this great fantasy of what life together would be. She probably thought you could keep her on a high forever. Then reality set in, no matter how well things went the lows dragged her down eventually. To make things worse the problems of life came in making things harder. Eventually she probably started associating you with the lows. Afterall I'm sure more than once you had to tell her to control her spending. "how dare he try to keep me at a low, I NEED to spend to get to high!!".
7. Your intimacy problems probably stem fro this weird reversal of associations she has. Now you are mr low. She wants to run away from mr low because being at low hurts too much. Introduce OM or Mr high. She sees other people, men who are not needy, are charming, but most importantly ENABLE her. The fog kicks in she becomes head over heals for these men, you are mr low you have no chance against these OM who promise her the same type of high you surely used to give her.
Does all this sound familiar?
8. Does she also have temper problems? Does she come up with crazy ideas that are impractical, unaffordable, or just plain wrong? All these are just attempts at ending the low and seeking the high. More than ever this quote applies. "don't believe anything they say and half of what they do". Every terrible and illogical action is just a desperate attempt to escape a low. In my case I ignore 98 percent of them, and they turn out to bE just that crazy ideas that never happen. On the other hand if you refute them, or try to dissuade her she will see you as not a partner, but an obstacle on her way to high. I have found that in their crazy ideas they need to realize for themselves how ridiculous their ideas are. You can't do it for them.
9. If she over reacts in anger quietly step away and let her process her anger, often when they get out of low they realize how cruel they have been, and feel bad for their actions. If you argue back, all they'll remember is you fighting with them and will try to make themselves the victim. Even once they get out of low they will still victimize themselves. Remember they can't understand why they are so low, and would love to blame you for it.
10. Alright all that being said I'm not trying to demonize your W. I am speaking from my own personal experience. If yours is anything like mine the moments of high are amazing. We truly wish they could stay on high forever.
11. So what can you do DB and GAL like crazy with a twist. You need to be her emotional lighthouse. You need to model the behaviors you want to see in her when she is high, spend time with her, laugh, enjoy life. Show her that she can share her highs with you, and doesn't need OM. When she is low let her process her emotions by herself. There is nothing you can do but get blamed for the low. She will try to get you angry, and draw you into fights so she can blame you for her low. Don't let her. You need to in a loving way detach when she is low so she realizes she causes the lows and not you. This is just my theory but I am seeing some early results.
12. I'd recommend the 5 love languages, this will help you rEach out to her during her high as well as give you some things to avoid during her lows.
I don't mean to hijack this thread but I just read this and it really scares me. I can see myself in all of this. Thanks for posting this.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
W seems to start becoming more interested in our M. Not sure if is because she sees me as the one to resolve the current situation.
The amount of a paycheck/$ that I was expecting didn't come in the first of this month. (I worked on commissions only, had all the finances under control until about a 2 months ago. W saw it in the past if I said anything about $ that I was controlling.)
The plan was to take the youngest daughter to live with her sister this summer where they are both are going to get jobs and going to college. In another state.
We where going to use money that the oldest daughter had received to purchase a vehicle and take it to her. Unfortunately W used it instead for a school trip for youngest Daughter. W and both Daughters have a hard time not staying within a budget.
Now we are just making it paying the bills, $ not expected until middle of next month, and we are supposed to leave tomorrow at least to take youngest Daughter. Neither has a job, no money and no transportation.
The coach where they are attending has found oldest a job, but she needs transportation. Oh yes oldest is 21.
The kicker is that the oldest went to FLA with boyfriends family. W went and got a quick loan for Oldest Daughter to have spending money.
W called a cousin who has help her out in past when she got into a financial crunch. No go. I am calling family to see if they can help out. My focus is on our bills and trying to pay those. I feel guilty that I can't fix the $ situation for W and daughters.
I don't just want to leave them stranded, but not sure what else to do. Youngest Daughter has no clue. has only worked for about 6 days since the beggining of the year. Has not saved a dime.
Feeling guilty and helpless.
I am desperately in need of more direction, support, advice and help...
It would be very much appreciated. To those who have responded thank you very much... You have been a big help
Heck after the mess my sitch is, I dont know if can say the following but here goes:
Focus on saving your family not your W. Yes by saving your family from financial trouble you will most likely save your W too. This is a good thing. It's time to be her lighthouse in the storm that is the life she created. This will be tricky, but once you have it all figured it out. Sit her down and lovingly explain to her how you as a family will fix this. Don't blame or accuse. Trust me I'm sure she is doing enough blaming already. Explain that you are doing this because you love your family and it's the right thing to do.
The key point is that these are sacrifices the family needs to make it. No one can be singled out. Period.
Expect her to get angry and try to walk out. If she does do not escalate, do not pursue. Let her cool down, then re-engage at a much later time. Delivery is everything here.
The words I and you need to become we. Hopefully this will be a wake up call. Even if it is, don't expect her to admit to it anytime soon if ever.
From the last post, we are pretty much broke, living paycheck to paycheck. We are on the brink of banruptcy. Girls (Daughters) have no clue. The good thing is that they are surviving without the much needed vehicle in Kansas that they both feel they need.
W is still sending money that we don't have. I'll just deal with it right now. Feel I can only deal only so many issues at one time. I am going to try to ask for help from family. I can't declare bankrupty or it can have adverse affect on business / career.
This is harder the second time with marriage around than I would have thought. Especially dealing with the bipolar. W's meds seem to have started to stablized her moods and thoughts and hyper desires. Doesn't seem to have the need to be shopping all the time. Or maybe she has come to the realization of how bad our financial situation is.
I am pretty confident that the A is over with the OM. Not sure why. W has started to be more attentive. maybe that I why I think. I just hope I am not being naive.
W has said that she loves being with me, loves doing things together, loves me. But she won't give me any hugs or kisses? So I am not sure that I am totally convinced that I am the just the best thing at the moment until something more thrilling comes along.
I am working on myself, working out, trying to get involved in activities that I enjoy. Doing everything I can to keep focused on the my career and business.
I have gone to give wife hugs on occasion, but it is like she is pulling back. Not sure if it is the bipolar that is causing her reluctance or just lack of inticmacy that is causing her to pull back.
So what do you do when wife gives the look of caring? Do you hold back or test to see if there is any emotion, passion, initmacy?
I am trying to work on myself. I feel like I am seeing my best friend go through this psychological pain and not sure how I can help.
I yearn for her touch, just a hug and kiss, let alone expect any intiamcy or passion at all. I love my W very much, and she even tells me that she appreciates how much that I love her. I feel like I am in love prison, looking into the eyes of the person I love and there just at times seems to be no one there.
I feel like that the W's WAW has subsided for now, but also feel I am dealing with various factors of a sex starved marriage, midlife crisis and the bipolar symptoms.
Trying my best to be positive everyday, but still have those feelings of helplessness.
I still am desperately in need of more direction, support, advice and help...
It would be very much appreciated. To those who have responded thank you very much... You have been a big help
Been pretty busy myself seems my W is stabilizing too, with the occasional relapse. So I have to keep it short. Give her space keep DBing. It'll come with time.
Ended up reaching out to a family member. Was touch and go financially for a while. Still not financially solid, but business has picked up and have a couple of good paychecks. Still not in a position for to go out and get a car for them. Yes they need a vehicle at school, but we just can’t afford it right now.
Things with W are better. The med’s seemed to have really stabilized her moods and thoughts and hyper desires. The only issue is that now we have some money she is back shopping, not big $ amounts, small stuff. But it adds up.
Like I said in my last post, this is harder the second time with marriage than I would have thought. Especially dealing with the bipolar.
I am pretty confident that the A is over with the OM. Not sure why. W has started to be more attentive. To a point.
I am working on myself, working out, trying to get involved in activities that I enjoy. Doing everything I can to keep focused on the my career and business. I also feel like I am seeing my best friend go through this psychological pain and not sure how I can help.
I have gone to give wife hugs on occasion, but it is like she is pulling back. Not sure if it is the bipolar that is causing her reluctance or her lack of intimacy that is causing her to pull back.
So what do you do when wife gives the look of caring? Do you hold back or test to see if there is any emotion, passion, intimacy?
W has said that she loves being with me, loves doing things together, loves me. But she won't give me any hugs or kisses or initiate any intimacy? So I am not sure that I am totally convinced that I am the just the best thing at the moment until something more thrilling comes along.
We did have a couple of intimate evenings, but I am not sure if I am meeting her needs mentally and/or physically. Her reactions at times looked like she was in pain. I am not sure that because of the bipolar, W’s hyper activities where the driver of her mental and physical fulfillness.
I feel like that the W's gotten over the WAW, but also feel I am dealing with various factors of a sex starved marriage, midlife crisis and the bipolar symptoms.
I yearn for her touch, a hug and kiss, intimacy or passion that we had in the early part of our relationship and marriage. I love my W very much, and she even tells me that she appreciates how much that I love her. I feel like I am in love prison, looking into the eyes of the person I love who themselves are mentally in prison, who I am not sure how to help.
I am still looking for more direction, support, advice and help...
It would be very much appreciated. To those who have responded thank you very much... You have been a big help
Cos Welcome to piecing! One of the most frustrating stages. This part requires lots of patience, and love. Check out navyguy, Denver, and maybe even my thread to see how hard it can be. You'll be tempted to want to hurry things in order to end the nightmare, or fill some insecurity on your part. Don't. I can already tell that you feel a little sex starved. Well that's just part of the process. Your W right now is confused and probably a little angry at you and herself. After all she just had to admit that she was wrong in wanting to leave. Her pride may keep her from getting close to you for the time being. On the other hand maybe she is not 100% back. If this is the case any pushiness on you part will just make her go WAW again. You don't want that do you? When it comes to intimacy she drives the car, no matter how lonely or anxious you feel.
When you get frustrated just remember that a month or a few weeks ago you probably would have given the world to be in the situation you are in now.
Also congratulations on the peace you have achieved. By what you said the meds are doing wonders. Take this time of stability to have some good times with her.
That being said, be careful if she stops taking them. Many on meds feel that the emotions they feel on meds are not their true self, and will stop taking them on principle. Some will feel that they no longer need them. Whatever the case be ready for a crash.
My W had to reach her rock bottom without them. The pro is that she feels she came to this conclusion on her own. The con is that she can be volatile at times. I see the opposite for you, lots of calms followed by an explosion of bottled up resemtment. Not trying to worry you, just be ready.
As for sex, just let it go for the foreseeable future, don't force it and don't initiate. It really is in her hands. I have a friend who herself was a WAW she explained that after she and her husband got back together she couldn't bring herself to ml with him. A lot of it she explained was guilt, and self punishment. (Go figure right).
