Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Tough Love

I'm not going to bash you, but I don't think the way to handle your issues with your W is by dating another woman. It almost never works out.

delinquentgurl im to the point i really dont care no offense ive done everything i was supposed to right now i have custody of my son and am quickly getting to the point i could care less what she does.

John, It's just such a good idea to work through a whole current relationship before starting on a new one. Know it's so difficult to stay true until it's truly over, but any chance for the benefit of all, especially this wonderful new lady and her baby, that you could handle a friendship with this new lady and keep dbing until it's utterly clear? You would be acting excellent to that new lady. Any person of integrity will respect that you want to be sure your marriage is ended and you are divorced before starting something new and will wait. Having a friendship with her is the only way you will know if this is "stars in your eyes" or potential for the real thing. Only time and experience with a person, and so much better if the sexual experience waits till your free, can determine if you really have the basis for a good new relationship. Know this may sound rather Puritan but it is true.

OK, read this whole segment of your story. It's clear to me that your wife is still reacting to the affair. It took me a whole year to begin to react in a reasonable way. It still causes problems for us and it was 12 years ago. It will never be completely over even if you divorce. It was a betrayal of your family including your son. He will have a much harder time sorting that out in his life than this period where his mom is dressing inappropriately. Have you figured out yet that it really is controlling and that you really have treated your wife like a child by taking the keys? Seeing you treating her that way will be damaging to your son. He needs to see somewhere that marriage is between equals or he'll never manage a reasonable one himself. It would be wonderful, whether you end your marriage or not for him to see you treat his mother respectfully.

OK, now for the confession: I have some pretty deep control issues myself. I once threw a boyfriend's cigarettes out the window cause I wanted him to stop smoking... I've learned a lot since then but I've got that control gene, honestly I might add from dear old dad, there is no way completely around it and it isn't a bad thing if you figure out how to use it well.

Do you think that maybe you would do better in this life if you learned to use your tendency to control better?

Return i understand where your coming from i really do and the dressing thing isn't a big issue just kinda embarrassing but it is what it is if she has no self respect thats her prob. As far as the car goes i am a supervisor in a criminal investigations division for a major law enforcement agency. She was warned several times about drinking and driving and letting the insurance lapse on a 40,000 dollar car that is in my name as well as insured in my name. if she gets into an accident drinking i could be sued for everything i have as was a have employment repercussions. Its not always cut and dry as everyone thinks. When adults behave like children they have to be treated like children; therefore the car was taken away. Now will she ever come out of this fog who know and at this point who really cares its her life but i cant risk my career and financial standing to save her from herself. As fair as the girl i was talking about goes she is just a friend a wonderful person and is a rn at a local trauma center. there is no sex and she knows everything about my situation. She is from a very religious back ground and probably will be no sex unless a serious relationship or marriage. Its just frustrating that all these waw never wanna discuss your marriage until someone better replaces them.

"she has no self respect thats her prob."

I remember when you first posted. You talked about how controlling you were and how jealous you could get. Well you really haven't learned anything. If she wants to dress and party, that's her choice. You are still trying to control her life. Even with the car. She is an adult even if YOU don't think she's acting like one. You wouldn't want someone telling you what you can or can't do. If you haven't learned that, you are going to end up in the same pattern with this next person.

"When adults behave like children they have to be treated like children;"

Uh yeah. You're not her dad. You're her partner. What you're doing isn't "tough love". Let's put it this way. She told you she didn't like you not trusting you even though you had the A and yet you continued on your behavior. If you didn't listen to her, why should she listen to you?

I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about your son. If he starts learning from you that his mom is dressing like a tramp, or that you agree with him, then you're not instilling any respect in women for him. If he's embarrassed, that's between your W and him. Taking away her car keys at one of his games shows him that a man should take charge and women should do as they say.

"Its just frustrating that all these waw never wanna discuss your marriage until someone better replaces them."

I bet you weren't thinking about that when you replaced her with your A.

Hey and I'm all for you dating other people. Sounds like both of you need some growing to do. If you're done with the marriage, then what's the hold up?

the hold up is she wont sign the papers. and i allowing her to drive a car in my name drunk is controlling well ill just be controlling.

Can't wait to try that tunnel.

shocking turn around wife text me last night and apologizes for how she has been behaving and that she now sees how her behavior has affected our marriage and children. Wants to work on the marriage but i have a big decision to make. This new girl is a great person and i dont think my wife is sincere. She just doesn't want me to be with this other girl.

I completely understand your apprehension about your W's sincerity.
Why not give her some time to show you? Don't jump into anything right away, take things slowly. Perhaps marriage counseling for the 2 of you?