I absolutely believe 100%, that if you open your heart and bravely look within,
"own your stuff",
and do the work on YOU that needs doing, that you can and should leave the results up to HIM,
b/c no matter what the outcome, He will get you through it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Read everything people have written here and think deeply on this...I want to give a perspective that might be what your wife is thinking.
If I found out my husband had lied about an affair, I found out from the other woman, and then I went out with friends, don't think that her asking if you want food is a signal that she still cares about you.
Think of it this way she probably asked out of habit than interest- since it really f_cks with your mind the person you thought was sweet husband had no remorse climaxing inside of another woman. On some level she still has to process that you lied to her and I don't know how long it might take your wife to do that, but I think I can say that it probably takes more than a couple of weeks.
I think what you just wrote crystallizes what I feel like I had wanted to express to my ex but could never quite get the words around it.
You don't want a wife, you want a mom to take care of you and say it'll be all right, and ooopsie, did you trip and your pants fell down with the OW. Tsk tsk.
If I asked if he wanted food and he said yes or no, it would have pushed me further away from him because she's still nurturing you when you should be doing everything you can FOR HER TO FEEL BETTER.
She's still doing for you, and you are sucking it up. You should be asking her what are things you can do around the house or - imagine this - doing nice things on your own without being told. And the passive aggressive part of "maybe I should let her divorce me so she can find someone better" is yet another child-like response.
You keep acting like "oh, I don't know what to do" and "how can I save my marriage, it's sooooo hard." Do you think she's mad at me? Should I send her a note - do you want to stay married - yes or no, check one (and can I borrow your homework, I'm not sure on this long division thing).
Listen, let's get real about this.
You have a sophisticated complex mind and you are acting like you don't know how to tie your shoes.
You had an affair where you concealed time, emails, sex, emotions from your wife. You had to take different routes on roads, buy gas, I bet you even got new clothes. You have the capability to do complex tasks with surgical detail for concealment. Now you are acting like a three-year old, should I tell her no? Ooh, I didn't write an email to her this morning, I need advice on what to do.
Ok, I have owned up to it. I have gone public to friends and family members and admitted my A, the day it all came out. Not going to BS I didnt want to get caught but I didnt want it to continue either. I bet if you were to ask 90 % of those who had an affair they would say the same thing.
I dont ask what I can do around the house, I just do it. The dishes, the laundry, and cooking. Now not trying to pat myself on the back or get some kudos here but I was doing that about 50% of the time before the A happened anyway. I have just started doing it with a little more gusto. I am not trying to play dumb here and not looking for a mommy figure to hold my hand. I was just surprised she asked me if I wanted anything let alone food. I didnt read anything into it, was just commenting how surprised I was at the suggestion. According to you it was a no win situation no matter what I said to her. She was being friendly and I was trying to be as well. It was that simple, a passing remark.
You make it sound as if I planned some surgical commando style strike here. I didnt.....not that organized I swear. Since I havent owned up to it properly what more should I do to own up? Not trying to be a smart ass here but I thought I had owned up to it. I value your advice but almost feel like you are attacking me here. I honestly did not come here for pitty despite what you think. I know I screwed up, I pissed away the best thing in my life over a selfish fling. I put my self in front of my family. Now that is all in danger of going away and I am frantic to keep it together. It just [censored] to know that my best effort probably is not enough to keep it all from crumbling. All over a selfish dumbass move on my part.
Chris, it takes some courage for the WS to come here and admit his/her wrongs and seek help for their M. Please don't get discouraged and feel that you are being attacked here. Most people on the board have been hurt very badly, but I don't think it's meant to be a personal attack on you if/when they speak very plain in the posts. I was a WS when I came aboard and it took that talk for me to get my eyes open. I tried to "explain" why things happened. I didn't think I was justifing my EA, but in reality....I was trying to do just that very thing with the board members.
I know you are hurting but it's not the same as your W's pain. You are angry at yourself and you are scared that she'll D you. It took the people here to teach me how I had really hurt my H. If I tried to tell them how bad my H was...they would quickly tell me that NOTHING justified an A.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know that my W pain is much more intense than mine, and she was betrayed by someone close to her. I have been doing a lot of thinking and trying to give her space. My Counselor told me that I needed to decide if I wanted to save this M I had my work cut out for me. That the problems run deeper than just an A. I have been thinking a lot over the last 48 hours. I want to save this M and I know that I am in a marthon not a sprint, and it's a race I might not win. So is it worth running? That's the question. I happen to think that the chance to keep my family together is worth it. Might not pay off but would never forgive my self for not trying.
