There's good advice in this thread, and I agree: you are acting selfish and dishonestly, so I won't repeat it.
But if you think that she's treating you poorly now, you might want to take a moment and hope she doesn't get a good lawyer who will be sure to show you exactly how much pain you have caused your family.
Beyond just the emotional and physical betrayal you did by being inside of another woman, you literally put their lives at risk for diseases (unless you had your lover take a blood test and you took one too before engaging in your infidelity).
I thought it was bad enough that I had to get blood tests for over a year to ensure the ex's tryst didn't give me HIV, a friend's lawyer did one better.
As part of the separation & divorce settlement, not only did the husband have to go with his spouse each month to get a blood test, he also had to go with his kids to the doctor's office every month for them to be tested for STDs (for example, hepatitis can be transferred after drinking after someone).
So he had to watch his kids cry and get blood drawn (or other tests) and know he was the reason he was there. That might sound brutal, but d@mn if it's not genius.
I read the DR book many long ago and obiviously in need of refresher. I have found your words very helpful and have backed off. You are correct it feels as if someone has died and I need to allow her grieve that death. I have backed way off. So much so that she emailed me at work today to ask if I was ok. I was fine but I hadnt emailed her to wish her good morning like I have for months. I told her that I just did not want to bug her since I know she is normally very busy at work. She is out on a girls night tonight. I told her to have a good time, she offered to bring me back some food. But I am going to continue to back off and allow her to come to me when she is ready. As for me I start my counseling on Saturday, so that should be fun.
Don't know if the c will be "fun" but I hope it's productive.
Look for solutions, not excuses. That's really what your w will need if she's ever to rebuild the m with you. There ARE m's that survive A's and they are worth studying, when the time comes. Maybe the c can suggest some. I have heard good things about "After the Affair" and my sister said it helped her to forgive her 1st h. They stayed m another 12 years and had #3 child, but he cheated again. They then div after 22 years, and 3 yrs later my sister got engaged to a guy who worships the ground she walks on.
So THEN Her ex h called her a month before the wedding to say he had awakened and that he "got it" and that he F#$%&* up" and was very sorry to have lost her, etc. I believe him, I really do. And my sister HAD forgiven him. But she had also met a guy who put the R with her first in his life, and once she knew what that felt like, there was no way she could go back to her ex h, who tended to be very self absorbed and selfish. When her xh got caught in his first A, he acted a lot like you are. As if a bad event had "happened to HIM" and as if my sister was "also hurt", as opposed to being THE VICTIM and him being the cause of it ALL. Even now he thinks it's sad that "all this happened to HIM/THEM" b/c now he's without my sister as his w, and she's happy...like that's unfair to HIM...still all about HIM...
He finally remarried a woman HE says is "high maintanance" and none of the kids can stand to be with her...(talk about Karma.)
But he says he doesnt want THIS m to end too or he'll feel like a failure. If only he had put that type of energy into his m to my sister. She was always a giver...and he was always a taker. Now he's m to a taker...
Take what you can from this post and ignore what doesn't apply. I don't know you so don't assume I'm bashing you when I am just sharing anecdotal thigns that might apply.
Go to c and see it as a Godsend, not some hairshirt you're going to wear for your martyrdom. This is an opportunity not all people get. Okay? Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
before you think we are too hard on you, and or, before we are, here's one last issue to bear in mind.
We are here to support the marital recon efforts if it's possible. And I think it IS. I'm guessing (and it IS a guess) that she'll need things from you for reassurance that your A was NOT a reflection of something that will keep happening (e.g., you feel "trapped" by having a family, or you have poor coping tools for stress, etc). So, whatever it is, you have to make it clear that "it" no longer applies. As in, NOT happening again. Make sense?
Regardless Chris, I don't want you to decide before really trying, for some time, that you are not sure enough of the results (IOW you are not guaranteed any "reward" for your efforts) to even make the effort.
Some people say things like "what's the point? He/She'll NEVER forgive me" and they actually feel victimized. They see no pattern there. The same attitude that justified the A in the first place ("Spouse doesn't give ME enough attention/love, so I gave in to temptation...partly/mainly HIS/HER fault, OR, they thought "just this once, OR, "hey, others do it, on balance I'm still a great catch"...etc)
And in some ways it would seem easier to start fresh with someone who hasn't been hurt by you. But Don't fool yourself & take the lazy way out. You'll be settling for a lesser woman and worse, you'll be a lesser man. [b] If you make the efforts, which may sometimes feel Herculean, to make the needed changes in you, you will be rewarded, even if she does not take you back. Do you understand this? We are all rooting for you to deserve her forgiveness, and for her to begin the process of giving it.
It IS a process, and it takes time. Give that to her, and more. Good luck
[/b]
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 has put everything so perfectly for you. I really hope you truly listen to what is being said. It is awesome that W is asking to bring food back or asking if you are ok, but DON'T make her worry about you. As said, you are NOT the victim. When everyone is saying give her time, it means time to think, not where you shut down. It is all a very fine line that you have to maneuver through. Be there and support her without pushing her. W asking to bring you back food is a really good sign,I hope you used that instance to show her that you appreciate her thoughts and instead of making it about you, turn it right back around to her by saying "thanks for thinking about me, but I am ok. I really hope you have a great time with the girls because you deserve it." You need to make her your #1 priority.
Side note to 25 - thank you for sharing your sister's story. My D is almost finalized and I had a H that was also very selfish and I am the giving one. It gives me hope to know there is better out there.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Do you know yet WHY you had the A? For me, knowing why my H had cheated was an important factor in the healing process. As 25yrs has alluded to, one needs to have some measure of certainty that as a couple, if a future together is going to exist, you need to be able to ensure the factors that led to the A can be prevented in future.
You need to eat humble pie, and for a good long time.
Your old M no longer exists. You destroyed the exclusivity in it......and mourning that can take a long while for the betrayed partner. I still find myself thinking about it some days even now, and even though my M appears to be in a healthy place. I still have to DB, it's has to become a life skill now.....but having gone through piecing it is also a joint thing.
You have done a lot of damage and you need to earn the trust and forgiveness and that takes time.
A's happen as we all know.....but to me, knowing the 'why' was crucial.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thank you 25, it seems like everything is hitting now and sinking in. I actually did not ask for the food in fact I had made the kids and I a meal but wasnt really hungry. She just happen to be out to one of my favorite palaces and offered. She did not know I hadnt eaten. Which isnt out of the ordinary I have lost more than 100 lbs over the last 18 months, so was common for me not to eat alot. I was very appreciative for the food and offered to share.
She did relay a conversation (which I did not even ask her to do) that she had with her friend. Her friend had expressed how she couldnt believe that I was still allowed to be in the house. My wife told her that it was easy to have an opinion about a sitch. when your not involved in it. At this time I thanked her for allowing me to stay and how much it meant that she was that kind.( not sure if this was the correct response or not but, I was a little taken back)
25 I know that I want to stay in the marriage and in my family. I grew up with out a father and my mother was not around much, out sewing her wild oats (guess I know where I get it). But I guess I am stuck on how to make it clear to her that this was a one time thing. I never ever want to put her or my kids through this again. I really dont know why I did what I did, I know that sounds like a really weak excuse. It has just been a difficult time for me personally and I handleded poorly. I think it had a lot to do with getting attention that I have never really ever gotten before.
I do know now realize that I have married a saint and has put up with more than enough from me. Yes 25 there have been times when I thought this is to much, I should do the right thing by her for once and back out. But, I do love her despite my actions to the contrary. Thank you all for the great advice and I am not giving up just giving her space and time and trying to show her that I am worthy of keeping in this family. I hope that I can get more great advice.
Chris I lack the time to fully reply but two things caught my eye...
when you say things like she deserves better than you, and maybe you should back out of the family, its for HER to decide, not you.
When YOU say it, it seems like a great excuse for you to be in a low expectation mode, so no one will expect much from you like effort, monogamy, honesty, etc...it also smacks of the "woe is ME"...Stop saying it okay? It's not altruistic of you to say or believe.
Interesting that you lost a lot of weight and then cheated. Sounds like ego came into play. Whatever, you'll have to dig deep. It's worth it.
Second, you say it was a one time mistake? It happened over several weeks so how's that one time? You didn't confess until you were caught, so..I'm thinking you should just stop that line of thought. Just do whatever the hell it takes to earn back her trust OVER TIME b/c she can't just give it to you...
Your changes + enough time + divine intervention/luck/power of love= her taking you back.
So make the changes and give it time, and turn the rest of it over to God. Leave the results up to Him.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
