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Indeed I am!!

Just journaling at this point. D and I are at a friends house in Baltimore for the weekend for his D communion.

There are emotioal triggers everywhere and I am working my way through them.

Communion over. All the friends and family start to arrive I have not seen some of them for over a year but here they are complete families and here I sit single father.

Very depressing and very lonely to say the least.

Still doing my best to smile and be happy accepting my new reality as it is.

Still does not take away from the emotion one feels in these kind of events.

Last night I was sitting with my friend talking as we were drinking. Got a little buzzed and drunk texted.
Ugh. Watta DOPE!!!

Anyways it was not anything major but I should not have done it. I was in somewhat of an angry mood yesterday, and why not. As LBS are we not allowed to be angry.

I was in the attic cleaning it out on Friday and found a pic of me and X from when we started dating. I just smiled with my cell phone I took a pic of it and saved it on my phone. I figured next time we talk if the conversation went well I would share the pic with her.

Several times throughout the day and on Saturday I would look at the pic and smile.

Last night when I was drunk I texted her the pic.

M: Found it in the attic (referring to the pic(

X: hmmm what r u doing in the attic

M: I cleaned the garage and put some stuff in the attic found an old box wit pics. Do u remember that pic?

X: Yeah I think that was in Vermont

M: No that was when we first started dating...within 2 months

X: Oh U were always better at remembering that kind of stuff...lol ooops lol now that I look closer it was taken in a car so no don't remember that pic I guess...Sorry

Maybe it was the alcohol but I was annoyed.

M: Yeah well just found it anyways thought I'd sent it

X: No need to get all pissy. I'm sorry. Do u remember the pic?

M: yeah i do

X: thanks for sharing the pic with me

X: Oh and got the book Thank You

X: And u decided to clean out the garage? Weird lol

M: Yeah I know you got the book

X: Oh Ok

Again nothing major but I should not have sent the text and this is really the first time I have drunk texted since Nov. Don't know what happened or what got over me.

Family activies trigger emotions in me i don't like or don't feel like I should still be having. It is very frustrating and for the most part I try and stay away from them but some things you can't avoid, specially after last weekend that I had company and spent very little time with my D I thought this would be a nice getaway for her. She is having a blast running around playing with all the kids so in hindsight the getaway was a good thing.

My friend was b!tching about his W and kids and these "stupid" family functions. I told him I would give an arm to be able to complain about this stuff again. Take every moment and cherish it because you never know when you don't have them anymore. Of course most of us don't get that till it is too late. I hope he heard me.

I have been humbled by all this, that is for sure.

Those situations are tough. I have so far dodged that bullet, but I know the feeling.

That is actually why I was so short in my reply to my W last night. I had been drinking and I knew it was not a good idea for ANY type of convo to get started.

Need to start testing those waters 2step, stick a toe in. Soon you'll be cruising to the other side.

2step - I know what you mean about the family events being hard. I have a family vacation, then family reunion coming up next month. While I look forward to them in theory, I know the actual being there is going to be a big reminder of what is gone from my life.

Your comment about LBS not being allowed to be angry really resonated with me. Thanks for that reminder and good luck with the next few days. Hopefully you get through this post vacation blues and bounce back!

Well 2bit...

Good, bad, indifferent...

Who really knows...

Drunk texting is a little like drunk posting...

Not always the best idea...

As time passes, this anger should fade...

Learn to be grateful that you were able to be there...

That you were able to experience this with your D and your friend...

Hey 2step: You know what you did and so there is no point in me pointing it out.

You are allowed to slip from time to time. But dont let it happen too often if you can help it ok. Im sure you were having an internal battle not to send it and then reason slipped out the window and you sent it anyway. Not the end of the world but also not going to help your cause.

I feel for you buddy about being meloncholy in situatios like that with family gatherings. I too try and be the voice of reason to my married friends when they complain about events that we would kill for. I dont want to be professor buzz kill all the time so I pick my spots but I know exactly what you mean.

2step, I KNOW you are going to be Ok down the road. Im feeling better and I think you are as well. We are allowed to feel what we feel but lets try and not act on them too much.

Everything I have read from you and the way people respond to you is so positive. Somebody of the fairer sex will respond to that when you are ready and YOU WILL NOT make the same mistakes twice.

I see happiness in your future buddy. Got to ride out this phase in your life.

Take Care.

9

Family gatherings are always tough to deal with but I seem to get through them ok for the most part. Still they feel awkward and prob will for a long time.

At the BBQ my buddies mom sat next to me and said

BM (buddies mom): So I hear you are divorced from X. That is too bad you guys did not work out. You were suck a lovely couple, but son sometimes things just don’t work out. You know M is a lot of work, a lot and both people have to be in it for the long haul. You see that old man standing there (as she pointed to her husband) It has taken a lot of work to get to this point, but it has been worth it. I think you will be ok

M: Yeah how long you’ve been M?

BM: oh I don’t know. 34-35 years how old is my son? 33? Yeah about 34-35 years. I did not always love him sometimes I just hated him LOL but we stuck it out. I believe once you get past those first……say 10-20 yrs LOL that is when it becomes great. I still believe in the institution of M but I don’t think people realize just how tough it is.

She spoke to me for a few minutes and then I walked away. I went over to my computer and saw news feed from X “Life Is Great!!!” so for the first time in weeks I wondered over to her page to see what that was about. Turns out she was in Tulsa for the second time this month hanging out at the bar with some “new” friends one of them being the OM I mentioned back in Dec. Childhood friend or some other BS. Anyways I started to do a lot of thinking about how I felt about that and every day I come closer to an emotional conclusion of sorts.

A buddy of ours who lives in the town called her today because she had “poked” him on FB. They talked for about 20-30 minutes some things she said that he told me about.

B (buddy): So I see in your FB life is great

X: No I was at a bar drunk and decided to post that. Life is def not great I am broke no job blah blah blah

B: Any luck with a job?

X: yeah I have a lead should know in the next few weeks but I don’t want to say where yet because I don’t want it to get back to XH. My family is not too happy because it is far but I don’t care

B: So what is the deal with you and XH you guys done you are not done what is it

X: Oh I am done. I am done with the M

B: Do you still love him?

X: I will always love him. I am just not in love with him and don’t let him kid you he is not in love with me either

B: If you believe that than you are retard! That man loves you and is in love with you but whatever

He says she was quite and then said

X: Yeah I guess so.

B: Are you seeing anyone right now or thinking about it?

Hesitation

X: No. I am not thinking about that right now

B: How do you think XH would react?

X: I think he would be pi$$ed!

B: Yeah prob right but he would not come down here or anything. I think if you do you should let him know though. I think XH would look at that as some sort of closure. I also think he would drop you like a bad habit if you did that.

X: I would tell him

B: How do you feel if he started dating right now? Would you be ok with that?


X: I would be pissed somebody in my house my bed

B: hmmm ok

X: I know you think we should get back together but friend that would be the easy way out. Going back to him would be easy

B: Why because finances?

X: No its not that it would just be the easy way out and I don’t want that. I don’t need that. I hope he finds someone to love him and take care of him friend and someone to put up with his BS. LOL Because I was a dam* good wife

B: Ok let me ask you a question then good wife. You think you will find someone as good as HS was to you?

X : I don’t know.

This is all I remember my buddy telling me because obviously I was not a part of the conversation but he detailed the above for me pretty good.

I am currently separated from my hand journal so I use this site as my journal.

Life goes on…………….

At this point I feel like a plan B and I am just not comfortable with that arrangement.

Curious...

I'd love to hear that from a friend who had contact with my W now, rather than hearing that when she's finally an X. Or worse... never hearing that...

Still, I wonder. How does that feel? What does that knowledge and information do for you? Are you happy? Angry? Hopeful? Or are you detached? Having no feelings about it, whatsoever?

What do you plan on doing with that knowledge?

How is your GAL going, otherwise?

KM:

Wow a lot of question to answer. Let's get to it shall we......



How does what feel? The convo between X and my friend? Or, The fact that my buddy called or what she said? My buddy and her speak on occassion so that does not bother me or surprise me one bit. What she said? Well it sounds like to me that she is done and moving on with her life. It feels as if she is pretty sure that she has made the right decision and knows pretty well that she has control of this. She is pretty certain I am available at the drop of a hat for her. Not the place I should be.


What an interesting question KM. I don't know. I know that I have been living too long looking over my shoulder wishing and wanting a reconciliation. All the wishing all the wanting really means nothing. To me I guess it is just one step closer to being done at this point it is just more info.


Is any of us happy? Am I happy? No. But I have not been happy for a long time. Am I healing? Yes. Happy? No.



The short answer is Yes. I do get angry. I don't walk around angry all the time but I do get angry. Today after D went to bed I was walking passed her room and heard her crying. I went in to ask her what was wrong. At first she would not say then after a few minutes the conversation went like this.

D: I cry almost every night

M: Why?

D: I am sad.

M: Why are you sad?

D: I miss my grandma

M: You see her all the time would you like for her to spend the night tomorrow night?

D: Yes. I am lonely

After a few minutes I realized it had nothing to do with my mom

M: Are you sad because X left?

D: Yes. I cry at night ever since she left

M: I know you miss her sweetie. You know what. It is ok. I use to cry also and sometimes I get lonely

D: Why did she have to leave? Did she not love us anymore?

M: Oh no I think she loves us very much but you know sometimes grown ups are not that much different than kids. Sometimes we do things thinking it is what is best but it really isn't.

D: Do you love her?

M: I will always love her and she loves you very much but sometimes when we love someone we want them to be happy even if that means they have to go away.

At this point we started talking about the dog and making funny wigs with the dog hair and putting it on my dads bald head. I stayed another 15 minutes and got her to laugh. I told her I would be right outside the door.

So do I get Angry? Yes. Very.


Not very to be honest with you. Just journaling so that some day I can look back on this remember so that I never have to visit this site again as a "customer" only as a "guess speaker"


Nowhere near what where I should be but much more so than I was even a few weeks ago. Detachtment is a very funny word we use around here all the time. It is not being detached one minute and then not being detached. It is a very real feeling or emotion and it takes time, in my case a lot of time. What I felt for my X what I feel for her in a much lesser capacity now was very strong and very real.


I think I do, probably will for a long time.


Well I am doing nothing different actually just moving on with my life. I will slowly remove myself from her life and be done with it. Only thing left to do.


KM My GAL includes BeyBlade toys, Candy Land, and coloring books. As a single father now my GAL is all about my D. I do go out on occassion but not much. I have to the much tougher road to travel here between X and I. I will be ok and so will my D.

2step, I'm just another bit trying to figure my way through all of this.

I have been angry for a long time now, as well. Thought it might never end.

My W used to tell me that she didn't want to say things or was being careful about what she said, because she didn't want to give me false hope. Just her saying THAT made me angry. I'd hate to hear what your buddy told you, because it would probably just make me angry.

Being without my kids makes me angry. I can imagine had my W left me with the kids and mortgage and all the other responsibilities, I'd be angry...

All I can say is... the anger hasn't worked too well for me...

Interesting answers...

be well...