Punkin, the financial settlement in some ways is the hardest bit isn't it?
I would sit down down with someone you like and trust and review your options. Staying in the marital home was never an option for me, as we had to sell it early on - I could not afford to run it alone. I lived in an apartment we owned for a while but even that was too full of memories.
I have now moved to a wreck of a house with great potential and am restoring it slowly. It keeps me busy, and I am creating my own future, and a new home for my adult children to come to. I don't want another relationship - my h was the love of my life, and I haven't met anyone else I would want to spend my life with.
Sometimes the reality is bleak, other times it is exciting. I hate the fact that my long, and to me, happy marriage was reduced to dollars and cents, and a division of assets, but there is nothing we can do about it. Decide on the life you want, and the person you want to be, and move towards that goal. Give yourself some time to feel sad. It is an index that you are human and normal. No sane person walks away with no regrets. I have never encountered a MLCer who came out of it who thinks they were happy while in MLC, and if your h was truly happy with OW he would be bending over backwards to be kind to you, and make sure you were financially OK. The fact they want to gouge us, in addition to all of the other humiliation they have tried to put us through is a sure sign that they are in a very bad place.
You know all of this. I do not think there is a magic bullet that puts us right, and it is a long and hard road we have to walk. A lot of laughs along the way, but quite a few tears.
But, I can look at myself each morning and feel respect for the person who looks back. I am doing my best in hard circumstances, and so are you. I would not want to be my h looking at himself every morning, however good a financial deal he thinks he got [and he did!!] I consider myself work in progress, not healed yet, but getting there. Hugs
Punkin, I'm very sorry about the settlement, but you do have some time to think about what you want to do. Yes, a few months isn't long, but you've got to let the dust settle in order to think through what exactly you want to do. Please do not make any rash decisions until your heart and emotional state have settled a bit.
Please, above all else, take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Attended D25's college graduation this morning. Then came home and started thinking. Went back through most of our email exchanges over the past year. BBBIIIIGGGGG mistake. My advice, if you've hung onto any of these old exchanges, burn them. They only rip open the wound. Didn't start to do that, just doing some sorting and throwing away.
I have time to plan out my next/best move. 90 days is still 90 days from the date the decree is signed, and it's not signed yet. Hopefully the house will sell at a reduced price and not be given away. As I said I can buy the house at auction, but I don't realy want to keep it. It would just allow me the extra time to sell, and trap me in the old memories until it does.
Thank you guys. My mind is still racing 90mph. I am a planner. I have to know what goes where. I like order.
To lose this home will be sad. We put so much time and sweat and blood into it. What hurts the most is that he seems to have lost all feeling for the place, as if he never did care. I know that's not true, but it's back to "Its what YOU (meaning me) wanted".
I realized today that I am doing it again. My mind shifts into gear before anything else, and leaves the rest of my body behind, meaning my spirit. I have to slow down somehow and hand this over to God. He will guide me through. Quit trying to jump the gun.
In the end, I will be alright, however it turns out. Even if that means starting over from scratch. I'm still getting alimony x 5 years, time enough for his retirement to kick in hopefully. I'm starting to feel a bit excited about moving back to town. They are building new duplex's that are very nice and in nice neighborhoods. I could just set back and let someone else worry about taxes, maintainence and lawncare for a good long while, while I take my time to look at what I REALLY want.
See? Sound better already, just from letting go and handing it off to God.
Hope everyone has a Wonderful Sunday! God Bless us Everyone!
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
"To lose this home will be sad. We put so much time and sweat and blood into it. What hurts the most is that he seems to have lost all feeling for the place, as if he never did care. I know that's not true, but it's back to "Its what YOU (meaning me) wanted"."
I think the "seems to have lost all feeling for the place" is yet another way they block their emotions because they cannot handle them. The last my XH was at my house, he came out and said very honestly that his seeming to not care about the place was that it was "very very hard for him to be here because it just reminded him of what he had worked so hard for and what he was giving up." I said "well you don't have to give it up" and he just said nothing. I think they work very hard to make it look like they don't care because the alternative is to break down in front of us, and they won't do it.
You sound really positive about your new start--and that's a great place to be, to get excited about a new direction.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Antonia is right. I, also, thought my H no longer cared about our house and property anymore. Found out different in the couple of spew emails we exchanged a while back.
My H won't even come in the house any longer. I truly do believe it's because it upsets him to look around at what he's giving up.
His choice, his loss. Same with your X.
I love seeing your spirit shine through. You are an inspiration!
I'm starting to feel a bit excited about moving back to town. They are building new duplex's that are very nice and in nice neighborhoods. I could just set back and let someone else worry about taxes, maintainence and lawncare for a good long while, while I take my time to look at what I REALLY want.
Punkin,
I have to say, this is looking very good me as well. I am preparing to put my house up for sale this summer because I can't do it all myself. Though it was a sad decision, we have only been in this house for 6 years, it was the house we chose because we wanted to retire in it. But, I now daydream about being in an apt with none of the maintenance, taxes, and lower utilities!! The painting and preparation are wearing me out, but I am looking forward to having it done and putting it on the market. The rest is in God's hands, if it sells, then so be it.
God Bless sister!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
