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Have you looked into the Retrouvaille program? They have weekends all over the world where they help couples break down the walls between them and learn to really talk and listen to each other. The weekends work miracles for many couples. The website is www.helpourmarriage.org. Look at the page on the 4 stages of marriage. It will explain what has been going on in your lives. Then look for a weekend near you. The experience is unbelievable and the cost is low.

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Journaling:
Got a text at 10am saying he'd like to take the kids out for a bit and I said ok. He responded thanks and said: "Although this is not where we expected to be 18 years ago I still remember how beautiful you looked walking down the aisle that day". I said thanks and started to bring up good memories of the day and honeymoon and he did the same. Felt good. Never got a "Happy anniversary" but its a form of acknowledgement, right?
He came over and suggested that we go out to dinner too, with the smaller kids of course. I said sure. Then we will come back, dye eggs and have some family time.
Guess I am getting what I expected to get for the day. No D mentioning in a few weeks now.
I hope this is progress of some sort...had a few friends text wishing me a happy anniversary...so nice to hear those words.

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

Yes, it did sound like the anniversary was on his mind.

It is good that he did not complain, rather he was sharing the positive times. Work on the positive, make the positive in the NOW better.

When you get the negative, validate and then work on that. Fix how you can be better.

If he is in a "good place" he will step up.

Journaling:
I thought the weekend was very good, serious progress but my IC doesn't feel the same. She feels he needs to show complete remorse before he can return.
All of us went out to dinner and had a good time, no arguing no R talk, just pleasant conversation. He said how he tried sushi on his work trip last week and wants to take me to try it sometime (I didn't react but I thought WOW forward thinking!). He wanted me to listen to a song on his phone that he says is his 'new song' that is called "Everything" by Lifehouse; he heard it last week after watching a Smallville rerun. While we were together, he has done that over time, say songs remind him of me. I am not sure if this one does, listened on You Tube several times but I think so! Came back, dyed eggs with kids, sat together and watched tv and ML twice! He even considered sleeping in our bed but said he doesn't want to confuse the kids and I agreed (but secertly wanted him too).
Sunday morning was great as well. He made breakfast, we enjoyed family time and he did some yardwork until we had to leave around 1. An hour later he text saying how hard it was to leave the house. I validated and said I can't imagine leaving the kids. He replied saying, "no, the whole house" which means me! My SMIL called to say how Friday went and how he told his SB that he is really confused. Confused is a step in the right direction, no longer definite divorce thinking. Began texting at 6 asking when we will be home and wants to come over. Later wanted us to come over the to family party he was at and we did. Stayed till 9 until we left.
Good weekend and goals were met. Feels good.
Just called a bit ago and created another excuse to stop by tonight. Hoping he will start being honest and just say he misses me.
And the roller coaster continues....


H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

Thanks Kaffe for the encouragement.

Journaling: (post second time-last one from other day is still not showing??)

I thought the weekend was very good, serious progress but my IC doesn't feel the same.

All of us went out to dinner and had a good time, no arguing no R talk, just pleasant conversation. He even said how he tried sushi on his work trip last week and wants to take me to try it sometime (I didn't react but I thought WOW forward thinking!). He wanted me to listen to a song on his phone that he says is his 'new song' that is called "Everything" by Lifehouse; he heard it last week after watching Smallville pilot. While we were together, he has done that over time, say songs remind him of me. I am not sure if this one does, listened on You Tube several times but I can’t be sure! Perhaps he is thinking its for a person that is out there that he hasn't met yet? I have to stop thinkinjg about that though, that is NOT detaching. Came back, dyed eggs with kids, sat together and watched tv and ML twice! He even helped me fill the eggs with candy and money-he never did that!

The next morning went well, Easter egg hunt, some morning cartoons and he made breakfast. He decided to cut the grass(although I didn’t like that idea on Easter) and fertilize the lawn. He left a few hours later because the kids and I were going to my parents. He text me an hour later saying how it was very hard to leave today. I validated and said I had a good time but knew his feeling was only for the kids. He said “No, the whole house”. I think that was supposed to mean me too without coming out and saying it?? My immediate goals for the weekend though were met.

Later in the evening he started texting again asking when will I be home and to come up to a family party he is at. I said I was glad he is enjoying himself and his response was” Its just a fill in.” Not sure what that means, since its in a text but perhaps another positive step forward. Went to his party and he spent some time with me and D3.

Went to IC yesterday who still feels he has not made any progress and accepts not blame yet. IC feels he needs to humble himself but if I wanted too, I could tell him he could come home and he would. I said I wouldn’t want him back ‘as is’ and she agreed. Now I wonder, am I detaching then or what?

Today he sent me a pointless text and said it was an error and then made small talk. This is so frustrating dealing with a WAS emotional state! And as I type this more texting started because he has problems with another director at work (which my IC thinks is the reason all of this started to happen in the first place). So I continue to validate his feelings for that and be a good friend. Someday, hopefully before I move forward, he will realize what he is doing and losing...


H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

Journaling:
Literally woke up with H standing next to my bed at 7am. H said he had to stop by to pick up some device for work. H said that he had a 1:00am and then a 4:00 call and only had a few hours sleep and he is so frustrated with work. H said he wanted to wish me luck today with my procedure and I said thanks and he left. Came downstairs to see he text at 6:35 saying he was on his way over to pick something up. I am really bothered that he did that and yet it was nice seeing him first thing.

Went to doctors to get procedure done to test precancer cells and got a copy of the lab report that scared me. Got to the car after and text H. 5 minutes later get text back saying: In a meeting..call you later. OMG!!! So I text back: Its ok. Focus on work. CU tonite. And had no response. Why on earth would I want to be with someone that doesn’t consider even another friends painful time important? This should be an answer in itself. Even better..I get a text an hour later asking if its raining so I said yes. Cant ask about my testing issue but let’s ask about rain for softball??? D2 came home said she had a flat tire and called H for 5 minutes. She said he had people in the background and he really couldn’t help her. Then H text me saying he is slammed at work. H comes by at 5:35 without warning for softball. Tells D3 to get ready and asks where is my car, said with D2 and H checks the tire. I get D3 ready. H comes back in and said what happened at the dr today? I start to tell him and he decided to walk into the bathroom in the midst of talking. So I stop talking and say I’ll tell you when you are out. He comes out and goes to the garage door. I said “ok, guess I am not telling you the rest” He said” oh sorry” and I said “its ok never mind”. He said”What did they say?” and I said” its no big deal just go ahead and get to softball” in a pleasant tone and he knew cause I can tell he was frustrated and knew he was wrong.

After softball, H came in and said he fixed D2 tire and got her gas. He said he may try to get out a little early to cut the grass again tomorrow so I said ok. And then he left.

I just don't get this. How can someone be so hot and cold? This tornado makes me crazy. I think the only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that I have been journaling my WAS incident since January on my computer.


H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

Journaling:

Got a text at 7:45: Good morning. If you could, can I get the bank acct number please… Me: GM. #, what cha putting in? (Oh great, what is he doing now????) Him: Nada, cashing a check..my mom owed me money. Me: oh ok Him: Hope you have a good day, see you after work. Me: Thanks, u2. D3 has bad allergies Him: Put the ac on to help. Me: Yes boss. Had a presentation last minute but I pulled it off! Him: Of course you did..you know your sh!t Me::) Him: Good Bullshitr too Me: Yes, cause I watched the real pro for 20 years. Him: Whoa, actually paid attention.

He called about 5:10 saying he was on his way and to have them ready. I decided to not be here when he got here since D2 was going. GAL-shopping time. They went out for dinner. I asked him if he was ok so I can run into Target and he said yes. I asked if he needed anything and he said shampoo and gel. I said what kind? He said “dunno, need real sh!t, gotta look sexy.” (And there goes my mood.) I responded: Oh I always thought the shampoo you used made you sexy but I can’t answer for others opinions tho. Him: Right. Me: Oh stop..please..like I don’t like to be with you. Oh well, a memory now. Him: Yeah yeah..never thought I was sexy..please. Me: Yeah, yeah you just chose to block it out. Then I realized that was wrong!!! I didn’t validate!!! When I came home he said I need to be at Alyssa’s game on Sat and I said I was going to be there already and he left.

I text saying half an hour later: Meant to say that if you really didn’t think I thought you were sexy, I could have done a better job then. Good to know now since I am a ‘work in process’ for a better me. Have a good nite. Him: Never liked anything physical about me..all good. You do the same. Me: Sorry you saw it that way..if I could have done it again, guess I’d have done it differently. Gnite.

Ok, think that may have made up for my little backsliding! I hope I am learning DB’ing! He never responded back to that. Either he is at the bar watching the draft and refuses to respond or just refuses to respond cause he can't fight the response.

Wish I could have feedback but my posts are a week behind from release!!

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

^

Journaling:

D2 wants to start IC finally. Too much pressure, she doesn't like seeing him be fake at dinner last night and knows that he has been drinking and driving since Sunday, and I don't mean just a few beers. Every nite he was going out whether it was for work or with friends and he told her about it. Its killing her and D1 when we had such a tight family how he can be ok gone from all of us.

As I review my personal daily event log I keep on my computer I noticed another potential positive though. Every day this week he has found a way to contact me through texts and be here at the house physically even for five minutes. Made up some crazy excuses for two out of the four days and we had no negativity. A month ago I wasn't even getting nearly that amount of contact let alone positive conversations. Came over to cut the grass and hang out for 10 minutes after taking a shower in our room. Said he was meeting his step brother for dinner. Said he won't drink tonight. Called me a few hours later as he was driving home and yes, he drank. really had nothing important to say and it was just like our marriage talks upto a few months ago.

I know I have to be patient and maybe, just maybe someday I will be a success story. Believing in the actions over the words. I just hope he doesn't drink his reality away and get in an accident before then.

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!