Got back from my workout - I'm in such a better mood now. Exercise is totally the answer. Even if I don't feel like going and I'm down in the dumps, I have to keep remembering to force myself to get out there and exercise.
I made myself scarce and he was already home when I got home tonight. He wanted to talk...
H: Do you know what you're doing yet? M: No, I don't know. H: (silence) H: I still want to move along with the paperwork. If I brought the divorce paperwork would you sign it? M: (quiet for a little) Yes, I told you I wouldn't block this. H: You said you were going to. M: I never said that, I won't. H: You said you didn't want it and you wanted a separation instead. M: Yes that is what I want. You know where I stand on this. But I'm not going to block it. H: Ok. That's all I had then.
Grrr. Someone lend me a 2x4 ... I have someone stubborn to use it on who isn't me...
Hey Calystra - just checking in on you. If I had a 2x4, I could reach him with, I would gladly do it for you. I hate the fact that our spouses deny how much all of us here care and how hard we work to save our families.
That whole thing last night really brought my PMA down. I slept horribly, woke up probably 20 times during the night just in emotional pain, bad dreams, etc. I got up this morning but he was leaving as I came downstairs so no words exchanged. I'm dreading him dropping the paperwork down tonight.
I want to force a separation instead of signing it
Sometimes I think it would be best if I just left. I know still being in the house together presents a lot of opportunities to DB but still think I'm just hindering his ability to think. I'm also hindering my ability to heal and put myself in a good place since I'm constantly confronted with H's comings, goings and D discussions.
Seems I'm getting down again today. That means it's time to go get some exercise.
I also want to list out the positives in my sitch: 1. H is still in the house even though he wants the D. 2. H is giving me time to process everything. 3. I don't actually have the D paperwork yet. 4. H was curious about my activities on Tuesday. 5. I initiated a hug last week when I was feeling really down and H held me and rubbed my back. (I forgot about this one until today.) 6. H is feeling slightly more comfortable in the house I think.
Applied to jobs today. I have my friend in Chicago looking there. I have my old boss looking for me in Florida. I applied to about 6 jobs in the Florida area online. I also have one friend looking for me here in Seattle.
If I start getting some positive responses, I might need some new clothes for interviews...
