Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Affair (continued)

Chris, the hardest thing I am learning in all of this is PATIENCE.
That is probably the one word spoken most on this board.

Don't read too much into her leaving her ring there.
You don't know what is going on in her mind so spare yourself the anxiety and don't even try.

Ugh, patience..... not a strong suite of mine. I have been working on it. Not quite there yet. I start counseling individualy this week. Kind of looking forward to it.

You might want to print this one post out and bring it to your therapist since it crystallizes why you had an affair.

1.) Why did you sleep with another woman and gratify your own needs instead of working on problems with your wife?

2.) Why are you lying to yourself about not having patience. You do indeed have patience - you didn't tell your wife about having sex with another woman until the OW told your wife. So it's not that you don't have patience...you DO. What is this self-deception serving for you?

Until you can be honest with yourself, you'll never be able to have a successful marriage. It just depends if you want it bad enough to be true or continue the passive-aggressive way of making your wife have to make a decision that you've foisted on her without consulting her first.

Please note: I'm not writing this to make you feel worse about the situation - I don't even know if you do feel sad about your choices. But in your earlier thread, you asked if my ex-husband could have done anything for us to reconcile. For us, no - it was a dealbreaker.

But all of the couples I know who teetered on divorce all say the same thing - it only works if both parties in the marriage ask and answer the hard questions. If you can't, then you don't want it bad enough.

Knittedscarff, I agree....although I admit I never really looked at it from that point of view. That is exactly why I am going to therapy alone. To figure out why....what are the real reasons, to learn to be honest with myself.

Of course I feel sad about my choices.I feel horrible the guilt and sadness are almost crushing. I have thought many times my W and children would be better people if I were not in their lives. Maybe she would meet someone that she deserves...that wouldnt hurt her. I am not here looking a pitty party, or judgement. I am looking for advice,because given the chance I would like to salvage what is left of my marriage. Your right I didnt tell my wife mainly out of fear of her reaction. But I lost sleep, couldnt eat was extremely depressed. So yes I had a reaction was not like I sat back and smiled because I thought I gotten away with it.

Failed horribly at DBing lastnight. We were having a decent day, and as were going to bed I asked my W if she had thought about possibly going to MC yet. Well, her answer was that she thought about it but still isnt sure. She says she has her moments when she thinks she will and then others where she doesnt think she will go. I asked what was her apprehensions about going? Her reply was that she just didnt think should could ever trust me. My reply was that of the counselor we saw on Fri., trust over time can be rebuilt. She decided that I was pushing a little so I stopped and went to sleep.

This morning I sent her an Email from work wishing her a good day like always. I told her that I was sorry for upseting her last night, and asked if we could set aside sometime to talk. Her response was that she didnt think there was anything else that could be said at this time. I did not answer that response and have not sent one since.

I know I shouldnt have opened the can or worms but I did. I know I cant put them back in now. Whats my next move or have I painted myself into a corner?

I'd minimize having those: I know...but's moments.

They seem to be affecting your days.

"I know....but" = no self control.

3 things:

1 - Did you at least check out that section of the book I recommended? Because I REALLY think it would help you. I'm not saying buy the book, although I think having it would help you immensely.

2 - Stop trying to get her to talk. You want to hear her say everything is ok, that it will be alright and that isn't goingto happen so stop trying to force her into talking. STOP PUSHING HER. This is her timeline not yours you are NOT entitlted to forcing her to forgive or trust you.

3 - Her response isn't as bad as you think it is. She simply said, "she didnt think there was anything else that could be said at this time." You're seeing demons.


I know...but...

I know I shouldn't eat these dozen donuts because I want to lose weight;but they taste soooo yummy!

Chris, your W is being extremely generous and is honestly handling this well. Knowing she had issues with A's, you still had one, and she hasn't kicked you out or even said she is going to divorce you.

She is taking time to make the decision she feels is best so give her space. I know the waiting is killer, but you need to give her space. Don't push her because the more you push her to talk, especially right now, the more she is going to say how much she doesn't trust you and how much she doesn't think she can be with you. Do you want to hear those things? She needs time to work through her emotions and feelings towards you so give her that time. OTherwise you might push her into the decision you don't want.

yes Chris, you are getting great advice. Please start taking it. You are not in any position to complain or put a timeline on this.

And btw, when you go to mc, try not to find a justification for the A and then end up blaming your w for "something must have been wrong IN the M, for ME to have an A"...b/c that ain't always the case...from what YOU have said, maybe you just got greedy and or selfish.

And if you did simply cave in to some base motives, i.e., if you have a character flaw of some magnitude (like most of us b/c we're all human) then OWN IT, and work on it. Don't stare at your navel trying to affix blame on other issues. Those deflect and do NOT serve YOU or the m well.

As for the control issues she says about you, well, if you want to disprove them, then sthu when she says there's nothing to be said.

She's TRYING to heal, but you crash her gates wanting to KNOW you are forgiven, AND NOW, and you cannot wait...well, get a grip.

Listen to the people posting to you here b/c they are Godsends giving you a chance at something you might not deserve.

hang in there. But respect what your w tells you. She has NOT given you a reason to distrust her. She needs consistently open good behavior from you, OVER TIME, to believe in you, IF it's possible and NOPE, there are no guarantees. But remember, there are no guarantees SHE won't get hurt by trusting you again,(she's taking the bigger risk)

so don't gripe about how long it might take for her to forgive, or that she might NOT forgive you at all and then, you may do "all this work for nothing"....the "work" is not for nothing, the "work" is FOR YOU.

Did Chris actually say that?

Cause, that's pretty selfish if you did Chris.

Rather than get to bent out of shape over it.

All this work isn't for nothing, all this work is because you screwed up and are looking for redemption in her eyes. That statement all this work for nothing implies you're more sorry you got caught.