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You are probably right Lotus.

Denver

I know you have followed my thread. Every word. And if what I say has any benefit to anyone here then my typing one letter was worth it.

It is hard to see people here who tell you things and then see that their own situation doesn't seem to get there.

My W is NOT your W. And you are NOT me.

I don't know what is going to happen in my M.

I really don't.

I struggle just like everyone here does. I am just a little further down the road. I have my own beliefs and idealogy that has been forged by the fire I have lived that is here on these boards.

I am struggling right now with my will. My will to continue this fight in the face of adversity.

I have been here before. It just seems that the time is weighing on me.

That is no one's fault but mine. My perception of time. And each person has his own.

If you ask me? I see a heck of a lot more to be hopeful about for you than I have right now. But that means nothing Denver.

I have been divorced and it is the most painfull thing I have ever expereinced in my life. Maybe that is why I am willing to go furhter this time.

I am not telling you to compromise yourself and your sanity or anything that is harmful to you.

The pain you suffer in the while of this is NOTHING to the regret you may feel the rest of your life.

There is no greener only different grass.

Put EVERYTHING you have toward this until you have no more.

I am telling you as man who has been through it.

You WILL regret any effort you leave behind in yourself.

Do it.

One thing I have figured out in my own sitch and years of reading the sitches on this board. When the pieces of the puzzle don't fit together and make a coherent picture, it means that you don't have all the pieces. Some things are being hidden.
For me, the mystery was the most painful part.

What is hidden? That is anybody's guess. Usually it is a lover, but that doesn't mean it is. All I can really say is, you should stop trying to piece it all together, because you don't have all the pieces, and some of the ones you have may be false.

The best thing to do is take what's left of your self-esteem, and say to yourself, "I don't have time for people who treat me like this", and go spend your time with people who enjoy your company. To spend time wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you is negative energy, and it is a huge drain on your soul. At a time like this, you need positive energy, not negative.

Denver,
I really don't see that much of a difference bw option 1 and 2. To me they feel like they are one in the same. JMO. Like Kaffe said, drop the rope, and Country said, give her the space she needs. Combine those for option 2.

If what you are doing is not working and pushing her away, how is that helping your sitch. Start living your life. Hopefully she will see what a strong confident person you are and will wonder why she ever thought about leaving you.

I think you got sucked back in just like I did a few weeks ago, but your sitch has been drawn out longer. You give great advice, you just have to remember how to live it like bf.

Fear...the root of all evil...

I have a wonderful friend, that I email with occasionally...

95 percent of the time, he gets right to the core of my problem, which always ends up being one sort of fear or another creeping back in to my blond brain...

I don't even always see the fear...

Hence the emails...for me to sort things out...

Usually it is what it is though...

When I acknowledge those fears, specifically, finding the root, it is pretty easy to see how "stupid" (sorry can't think of a better word) that the fear really is...

How, whether the fear is rational or irrational, holding onto it, keeps me stuck in the fear, in the what if's, keeps me spinning.

Then it is up to me, to either let go of the fear and just live and see what happens, or stay stuck in the fear and keep going in the circles in my brain...

I have been known to hold onto those fears, embracing them, no matter what my rational brain understood, driving my poor friend crazy until he finally stops debating it with me...which at that point, I slow down and THINK...

And usually, then I let them go...

Which is freeing and allows me to live...

Denver,

Your fear of losing your W, is keeping you stuck...

Your fear of having to forgive her again, is keeping you stuck...

Your fear of being the Denver that you were beginning to become, is keeping you stuck...

Your fear that DB might not work, you may end up DIVORCED (yes I say the word, it doesn't scare me), and that will make you a failure, because you tried and didn't get your desired outcome, is keeping you stuck...

Your fear of being ALONE is keeping you stuck...

Worst case scenario...

You are already living it...

She left you. She had OM in her life. You were alone.

What happened to Denver?

You lived. You forgave. You loved.

You didn't die and you didn't fail.

Whether she comes back or not, you will go on. You will survive and you will succeed, if you choose...

Up to you now...

Are you up to the challenge?

Or is it time to throw in the towel?

Awesome post Cat. when you veterans post and write such wonderful things, it lifts me and I hope it is lifting my fiend Denver.

Almost have to start printing these and keeping them on my person and reading them once in a while. That is not a bad idea actually.

Again, Great JOB Cat on that post.

9

Just want to add one thing Denver. I also think you have been living OPTION 1 for a long time and will continue to do that even if you think that you have moved on to OPTION 2.

For now and until you can get your head on straight, you will be looking in the rearview mirror and obsessing whether she is back with OM.

YOu know my sitch, in mine, there is no guess work, she is with the OM so i need to go to OPTION 2.

Somehow , and it aint gonna be easy, you need to get to option 2 or Country's three and really mean it.

She is no where near ready to committ to your marriage again Denver any time soon. Even if she does, I think she might resent you and feel that you pressured her into getting back and that will not be sustainable.

ONLY when you truly detach and she REally comes back on her own to you stand a chance.

Hang in there Denver, you have sooooo many people pulling for you.

9

Time for a little 2X4s for all of you.

The level of self pitying, selfish entitlement runs so deep here and you all just feed each other.

You want to pat yourselves on the back for all the changes you've made in a few months.

Bully for you.

We, and I mean all of us, have probably hurt our spouses in more ways than we can imagine over a period of YEARS. YEARS, not months or weeks. yet they stayed and tried and didn't run the first time it got really hard.
They only decided to run, walk when they reached a point where nothing was going to get better. It was their LAST RESORT.

But Now we are suddenly woken up by this. We follow the LBS script... we make dramatic changes, go to the gym, return to/find religion, become family men, work less, care-take more, become thoughtful.

But we want the spouse to recognize it right away, to accept these changes without question. We don't want to wait; that's for the spouse when they waited for us for years.

We start the self pity cycle when we want our S to do what we couldn't and didn't do for years. We make threats to others and our selves about how we "can't take it." "how much longer do I have to put up with it." "I have options."

I'm sorry, but we created the situation, we don't get to dictate the outcome OR the TIME LINE.

Run if you want, take the easy way. But know your spouse didn't.

Denver,

Read cat's post again. And am I the only one who saw hope in the words of the w? She didn't say "i don't want you". She said "I'M NOT READY YET"...

and I love her clarity. Denver, she's telling you that you are smothering her and the whole 24/7 thing means BACK OFF and she cannot be clearer than that.

Your fears of OM are, as you know, making you behave in a way that increases the chances of him being around.

I think a lot of times our fear based behavior ends up creating the very reality we are most afraid of and right now you have a likely example of that.

You're a L. You must be reasonably smart (no L's jokes please folks!! I come here to feel safe... )

You know where the head goes, the heart will, eventually, follow.

Keep your head on straight and man up with some dang discipline. If things don't work out at least it won't be b/c you couldn't listen to her and back the heck off.

And you have more than the 2 naked options as has been pointed out. You can drop the rope and live your life well, Period. I can't wait for her to discover how OM is over time, with SS and real life. She may need to explorer that to figure out how great you are.

BTW, don't fear her being free so much. When my h and I were sep I did date a bit. Enough to discover 2 things. 1) there were plenty of men out there I would enjoy knowing; and 2) my h was well suited for me. Good news all around actually.

She knows how to find you when the time comes, and if you're available, lucky her.

What we fear, we focus on.

What we focus on, we make happen.



Your patience in your sitch 25, makes you an awesome example of how being patient and growing your life in the mean time, is so worth it.

Most difficult for those who have known OPs in their spouses' lives is forgiving the initial event. More difficult is having the patience and strength to allow the EA/PA to play out while it is still going on during M. Forgiveness appears impossible.

As 25 suggests, often the EA/PA does not last. So many of us are waiting to see "how that works out for" our spouses.

That was my reason to drop the rope. I have nothing more to give someone who needs to figure that out. So I move forward.



Indeed!