The point of a 180 is that if something in your marriage isn't working, then you try something completely different and see if it works.
Your preferred sexual frequency with your husband wasn't working when you were initiating sex, wasn't working so you are trying something else (i.e. not initiating). If you think initiating was presuring him, it probably was, so you made a good decision.
What else are you doing so that he feels loved while you are not initiating sex?
I am a big fan of Chapman's Five Languages of Love and the need to make our partner feel loved in their primary and secondary languages of love. Everyday I try to do a couple or more things in my wife's primary and secondary languages of love, so she feel really good about our relationship.
What kind of "healing stuff" are you working on with your husband. It sounds like a great approach and that you are both involved in "healing stuff."
What kind of stuff does your husband want to get better "first?"
One of the things you might want to do some introspection on is that a lot of people are physically exhausted from sleep deprevation. That can make it difficult for a man to "perform."
Similarly, over 2/3rds of the US population over 18 is overweight or obeese. That too can create both real medical problems with male performance and with self-image issues.
Low Testosterone levels in older men is also a problem.
ED medications are a billion dollar world industry for some real reasons.
Some (not all) men that have peformance problems are too embarised to discuss it openly and try to hide it via withdrawing sexually from their wives. Guys are strange like that. Make sure that your husband is OK medicially.
I wish you and your husband the best
Thanks.
I am trying to be nice to him. I am working on "my stuff." I kissed him this morning on the lips real quick and said "Good morning. I love you." And he was pretty taken aback by it and was like "Wow."
I'm listening more. Smiling more.
The "healing stuff" is that we both got together and had a baby and then a whole bunch of stuff came up - really from our pasts (childhoods) and so it was all our relatoinship issues - my abandonment, his withdrawing. So we are gradually talking through things and becoming more aware of our behaviors and trying to understand and forgive one another.
He is overweight, not a healthy guy, only 33, but on zoloft and allergy meds, doesn't work out. He talks about sex all the time and has no trouble when it comes down to it and wakes up in the morning kinda .. "raring to go." But we just don't have sex!
All right, well I mentioned this but I want to say more. For instance, tonight he had to fix something on my computer and he clicked on one of my open windows and it was a victoria's secret model (I was ordering some workout clothes)... he was like, "What are you doing?" Normally he would have said something like YOWZA!! In front of me, but I've asked him to stop that behavior (looking at other women in front of me, etc.) so he just kind of got quiet. I asked him not to poke around...
Then he fixed the thing I asked him and left the room and my intuition thought "great, now he is probably going to start porn all over."
I asked him about porn one night (when we were never having sex) and he said he does use it (online photos/etc.) and I said it was going to destroy our relatinship. He told our therapist that he only does it "as a release" and cause he gets lazy and it's a stress release.
Um..
Then he wrote me an email b/c I'd been VERY upset about it for a whole month after I asked him and he said he'd just always done it and didn't realize how damaging it could be and that he'd stop. Fine. So he claims he's stopped looking at porn (and I believe him) but -- masturbation? I mean. ... he must do it. And it kind of bums me out b/c it's like he takes care of himself and that's that.
So I just went into his room after he fixed my computer and said "Are you going to eat those peanuts," and he joked with me "No do you want them? You can have them in exchange for some delicious sex." And so I got embarrased a little and hugged him and started kissing him on the head, and he was like "I'm probably too tired. I'll just lay there limp." And I said, "Where do you want to lay?" And kissed him... and he was like, "Go eat your peanuts."
???
So he does this all the time. Mentions sex. Puts it "out there" and then takes it back or doesn't want to.
My real gut feeling is that he IS being lazy and that he masturbates instead. Like tonight, I'll go to sleep no sex, and he'll probably take care of himself after I'm asleep.
I'm wanting to work on us and I'm putting this issue aside for now so we can deal with other stuff, but this just gets so disappointing.
Well, I had kind of a bad experience today remembering a past relationship. We had a lot of trouble, I guess, and were together for six years, but I the sex was always deeply connected, frequent, really good, and never had any issues there... I found myself missing it today and getting scared that if I stay with my current partner I'm just going to grow old and never have a good sex life. Sex is really important to me. And right now I'm just feeling really hungry for it and really irritated with my partner. UGH!
But we just don't have sex!