Have you ever read about PEAS? You can type that into word search on Internet and it explains how her brain is working. I had never heard or read it before I came here, but it sure described my condition.
I believe it would help you understand why she had the first A and then after she M him, it didn't last more than six months. Then she wanted to go back home, and then she's in another EA. She is addicted to the "in love" feelings that she experiences when in a new A with a new man. Some may laugh at the idea, but I can tell you that it is a very strong craving and it's enough that a woman will leave her children to be with a new man.
Whatever was lacking in the M and she wasn't getting her emotional feelings fed.....that was the real problem. When a new man came along and began filling her emotional needs, then she was vulnerable and became hooked.
IMHO, I do not think it is fair to you or the kids to wait to tell them the day she leaves. That dumps everything in your lap while she is free to leave and not deal with the pain she has caused her children.
I believe that a WAW who is in an EA/PA must experience some type of loss. Otherwise, she will continue jumping from one A to another. Her wanting to have "family" get-togethers once a month is one example of her wanting to have her finger in both slices of the pie, so to speak. She wants a small degree of what should be "normal" (her family life), but she doesn't want to commit and doesn't want any of the responsibility.
Loving unconditionally not does mean that you become a doormat. Your W & kids need you to be strong and be the leader that God wants you to be. Even though you won't see this side of your W, she must feel respect for you before she will feel love for you.
She will not listen to your words right now, so don't talk about the MR. Work on becoming the man God wants you to be and see how much you may have changed from who you were when she fell in love with you.
You need to financially protect you and the children. I would suggest that you have an account set up that she cannot touch. Being a WAW in an A, and especially in the mental state she's in.....will cause her to do things she never would have before.
Avoid sounding "preachy" or self-righteous whenever you speak to her. You cannot control her. If you have turned her over to God, then that means you have to release her from your grip.
You do need to get out and GAL, but do not discuss any of it with her. Prepare some type of answer to give her that is vague. Don't lie to her, but don't reveal everything. Things are different in the R now and you are not required to tell her. As long as somebody knows how to reach you by phone...that's enough. Make sure you have some type of back-up plan for GAL if nothing more than going to the mall to look around.
Pull away from her and do not be available to her. She has to experience consequences of her decisions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She was divorced from him for about 2 months before she called to come back home, and it took another 3 months for her to fully be back part of the family. She didnt get to that point on her own, I wasnt the best at being a dad or husband at a young age. I changed myself for the better and she saw that, it made me a better person as well as father and H.
Yesterday, I had a job interview for 9:30 and w called about 9 to talk about kids and future plans with new job if I got it. I told her that it is going to be tough, but we would find a way to get through it. She leaves very early in the am for work, and so would I if I got the job. Summer break will be here soon, but still they have sports over the summer and the issue of what to do with s8. At the end the conv she told me good luck on interview and I just said bye. A few hours later she text to ask if I was still in interview, and I waited about 10 minutes and replied that I left over an hour ago. She texted back wanting to know how it went, I told w it went fine. She then asked about s8 baseball game and what time. I did not text back, and she said nevermind.
She got home from work, and walked in door with strange look about her like something was wrong. I didnt ask,and just went about my normal routine. She tried to make small talk with me and I kept the conv to a minimumn. I then left with S8 and S12 to go to ball game. D14 and w had dance team meeting to go to and would meet at ball game later. After I left, she texted me withing a few minutes and asked what I was so pissed about today. I waited 5 minutes and said I wasnt. She then texted what was my problem then? Waited 5 minutes again and advised nothing that I was good.
w arrived with d at ballgame and sat in stands, while I and s12 stood up by fence. I noticed she had that same depressed look about her and tried not to let her know I was paying any attention. Normally she has her phone in hand at games and not once did she pick it up or look at it. It has been the same at home, she will not let it out of her site. Takes it everywhere she goes. She will lay in bed at night with it, checking messages and looking at facebook. After the game she came home and I was starting dinner. She hasnt been very involved in house cleaning or dinner of late. She came into the kitchen and started to help me. I told her that I could handle it and she said that she wanted to help. Then she make a comment that I dont let her get involved with much of nothing around the house anymore. I told her that she could do whatever she wanted.
We cooked dinner, and then the kids and I sat at table to eat, she seemed nervous but eventually sat with us to eat. I cleaned up afterwards and she assisted with that also.
Back to the cell phone, when she does go to take a shower at night she takes phone with her, she will put it in bathroom or right outside bathroom where she can see it while in shower. This time she left it in living room, and when she got out, she never went to it to check it. I went to sit down and watch tv with kids and she came to me and kids and asked if anyone had any objections to her going to her moms to spend the night. I told her I didnt care and the kids said the same.
I went into the bathroom to shower, she came in there and asked me if this is the way we were going to act in front of the kids, I told her that I was acting normal and had no issues with anyone. She said she was leaving and said bye, and I didnt reply.
I got out of shower and dressed, I can hear kids saying bye to her, but she would not leave. She waited until I got dressed and then killed time in kitchen until I went back into living room. She passed me by front door, and I said bye, and then she said bye to me with a very soft, sad voice.
I am not falling for it, nor having any expectations. There is still a long road infront of me and still the issue of OM/EA. I think at this point since I stopped talking about R and OM the last few days, that now she has some time to think about what she is doing without pressure from me. I also think that the EA is losing some steam as they work together and the newness is wearing off. I also feel that she understands more everyday that OM is married with kids and will be a challenge for him to leave his family.
At this point, I am not sure how I should act towards her, keep the somewhat cold shoulder, or try to soften up a bit. I am not being mean, or saying anything hurtful, I am just not hanging on every word or starting conv with her.
It is only 10 days from the day that I told her she needed to tell the kids about her leaving. I truly feel that is a conv she doesnt want to have. But if her mind is make up then she needs to go with it and be fair to them.
I have my second DB coach call in about 30 minutes and I will update on how that went and what my approach will be from Lori's advice. Have a good day all!!!
She was divorced from him for about 2 months before she called to come back home, and it took another 3 months for her to fully be back part of the family. She didnt get to that point on her own, I wasnt the best at being a dad or husband at a young age. I changed myself for the better and she saw that, it made me a better person as well as father and H.
Gotcha; ok, thanks. Just trying to follow along, lol!
Found text in phone yesterday, after she put phone down she left the message screen up and I walked past and saw conv between w and OM, saying they loved each other and all that blah blah. I confronted her about it, and she said she was not leaving me for him. I disagreed and left it alone without anymore conv. I confirmed what I thought was going on and now I feel stronger to move on with my life. She says he has already left his w, but there is no indication of that from facebook pics on his w profile. Seems like another normal happy family. I guess it time for her to take the journey and see things for what they truly are.
She is telling the kids this weekend that she is moving out, and its killing me on the inside. She will also be moving into her apartment this weekend. It is clear now that their is OM involved and she believes it what she wants and needs. I just hope my kids can handle this.
Update: I sat on the couch this weekend with my kids, while she stood in front of us and announced she is moving out. I made sure to sit with them, to make them understand better that this was something that mom had to do. My d14 said nothing and showed no emotion, my s12 cried really hard, and my s8 just sat there with not emotion. She told them that she loved and cared for them, but she felt it was best to move out. She couldnt finish without crying, so I finished for her. I told the kids while I had my arms around them on the couch, that mom is going through some things right now, and she loved them, but needed to do this in order to make her self better for her and for them. I told them that God and myself had their backs, and God would bring them and mom through this.
She gave them each a hug, my S12 was still crying, s8 just sat there, and my d14 turned her head when she tried to kiss her bye.
After she left, she walked outside, and I told her good luck, and that I wished her the best in life.
I have truly been the better man in all of this. As bad as it hurt for me to do it. I read all the information on this website and with some good advice on here, I dbing as I should. I didnt call the OM wife, I didnt call her work, and for the past two weeks leading up to that day, have disconnected from her. I started to GAL, and she has taken notice already.
The last couple days, she has been very unstable, she is calling me and yelling and crying about the kids, telling me she misses them and how I am keeping them from her. Which I am not, but I told her they need some time to adjust, before she just brings them over to the new apt. I dont understand how she can be so fired up to leave and then when she does, she is acting the way she is now. I havent called or texted her since she left, all contact is coming from her. But when she does call, its nothing more than an emotional train wreck and a lot of yelling and crying on her part. I stay calm, and tell her is she does not stop yelling and insults that I will hang up until she can calm down. I told her that, we were done, and from this point forward, its all about the kids and their minds and hearts.
I have validated everything she has asked for and wanted. I have not talked about OM in weeks. I even helped her move her things to the new apartment with my brother, and showed no emotion when I did, I actually was in a good mood, and I think she thought I would be upeset. I havent asked her to change her mind in two weeks.
It seems as long as she doesnt see the kids, she doesnt ask for them to come stay, but when she sees them at one of their ball games or wherever. She then freaks out and starts the ranting. I am not sure at this point what is going on in her mind.
Her original plan was to tell the kids this past weekend, and then not move out until the weekend of June 3. Well I decided that she is not goint to be control of this, nor hang that emotion over me and the kids heads. So I called her three days before she left and told her she would tell the kids last weekend and she would move out the same day. I told her she would not stay here for 10 days after breaking their hearts and hang around to watch them suffer. This has been tough on her as she was not expecting to move out so soon.
My opinion at this point that there was a plan for her and OM to move away from each others homes on the same weekend. He has yet to leave his family and is just sneaking out on the weekends to see her. I think that reality is starting to sink in for her. She is losing control of the sitch, she knows now I am moving on and heading in a different direction, and OM is still going home to his w and kids everyday.
I dont think he will leave his family, I think he was expecting just an affair and she is taking further and quicker than he expected. From word I got about him from a friend that works on base with him, is that he is a womanizer, stuck on himself.
I think at this point he is shaking in his boots, as I think he expected me to stop her and I didnt, I gave her what she wanted and now the pressure is on him to make a move. I am afraid that when she realizes that he is not moving out, she will freak out even more and make life very tough for him. And even if he does move out, his W will make his life a living hell. I have been on her facebook and there is no sign of any trouble with their marriage at this point.
