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On April 15th H and I got into an argument. It was a pretty typical argument for us, where I was trying to get him to talk to me and he just wouldn't. Eventually he breaks out with "I don't think I'm in love with you anymore" and "I don't think we were meant to be" and "I can't be with you anymore". He blames this on when I told him 7 years ago I might still be in love with my ex (a woman), and he said it was okay to explore it - which I did, briefly, and realized it was problems in my marriage that needed fixing, not feelings for her. He said it just destroyed his love for me. (Which is very opposite of what he'd been saying up to that point - that he was madly in love with me, I was his everything, etc.)

Two days ago I found out that since shortly before the 15th, he'd begun having an affair with a co-worker. I am still in shock that he could leave me here blaming myself solely for the loss of my marriage.

But - what now? The affair is new - and they think they are so in love, meant to be together, been waiting their whole lives to find each other, never been happier with anyone else, etc. (Ow, ow, ow, ow and so on).

There *were* problems in our marriage due to not meeting emotional needs, of course. And just prior to the affair I was on a medication that caused depression and we had been fighting a lot. But we spent a lot of time together, and were generally happy (smiling, laughing, enjoying things, etc.)

I love my H with all my heart. I know we had hard times, but I know we were good together 98% of the time, and we could've worked things out. I want to keep fighting for my marriage despite everything. I know he is confused and hurting and that the OW makes him feel better about himself (she is 10 years younger than me, 7 years younger than him, also engaged, but he says to an emotionally abusive man that she wants to leave - so someone he can "rescue"). But with him so convinced they are "meant to be" and that "everything happens for a reason" I'm not sure how to even hold on to hope. He keeps saying he hasn't been in love with me for years (despite all evidence/proclamations up until now to the contrary) - but I'm thinking this is that he is equating their infatuation stage love with longer term love.

I'm just lost. I can't eat or sleep. It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Things I forgot to mention - we've been together 13 years, married 10.

We are still living together due to finances not being there for him to move out and be with her. This morning we were talking about it being Mother's Day, and were talking about the daughter we lost (she was premature and died the day she was born) and he went to hug me, and then started kissing me, passionately, which led to sex that he stopped midway because he began thinking of her ("it feels wrong"). There was also a time last night in the kitchen when we were cooking and he gave me a hug and almost kissed me.

There is obviously a lot of confusion.

I'm so sorry your hurting, but you've come to the right place.

Your H is in a fog right now, thinking that this new W and R are the pieces that have been missing in his life. Don't we all feel butterflies and that giddy feeling in the beginning of a relationship?
The question is, what happens once that feeling fades? Then what?

You have to decide for yourself what you will and will not put up with, and set some boundaries for yourself.

In the mean time, read the books, work on your 180's and GAL for yourself.
Maybe counseling also, if you think it will help you.
I've been in C for about 4 months and it's made all the difference in the world.

Just keep posting, and we'll be here for you.

Thank you, DelinquentGurl. It helps (sooo much!) just to know someone is listening and empathizing.

I am struggling with boundaries right now. That is definitely something to work on. I did read Divorce Busting but that was before I found out about affair. H was actually out with OW while I sat in the library reading it, unbeknownst to me I'm afraid to bring any of the books home because if I even remotely mention working on the M, he gets upset. I have DR coming that I will read somewhere else once it arrives.

GAL - definitely a challenge. H has been my life for 13 years.

The day I found out about the EA/PA and all the lying, I gave him back my wedding ring and told him that while I could've gotten over the affair, I could not get past the lying. Now feel like that was a BIG mistake. Not sure if or how to correct it.

I was sure I responded last night, but the post hasn't come through, so maybe I messed it up. So here goes (again?).

DelinquentGurl - thank you so much. My friends just don't really understand. They think I should be hating him. I don't even dare mention that I want to save my marriage even still.

I wish I could afford counselling. I could really use it. H has insurance for him, but we were waiting on insurance for me next year.


And then there is the worry that he will lose is job over this (H is a manager over OW). He really is risking everything.

Boundaries are definitely an issue as evidenced by the kissing, etc. yesterday. Today I am trying to back off and distance myself.

I haven't even cried, yet. I am just dead inside other than stress/panic. He is with her right now, and my only reaction really is to miss him. I think something must be screwed up in me.

I have got to stop arguing with him about his feelings!

H: "I feel so at peace when I'm with her."

Me: "Yes, but you've been saying the same about me for 13 years."

He was with OW for 4 hours today. He didn't tell her about the sex between us yesterday. I told him it was bad enough he lied to me, that he shouldn't be lying to her, too.

Must start thinking before saying anything.

He is at the doctor now. This appointment was originally related to us starting to try to have kids again. He says it's just a physical, but I suspect he is also addressing his sexual issues for their relationship.

Argh. Ended up in another talk about the relationship. I wasn't trying for one, but I made a face (he was talking to her about our cats - it bothered me) and he insisted I explain. Then we went into his stuff about not being in love with me for years.

I know I have to stop this, but apparently I don't know how to.

He keeps saying "you're a better person than me." Not good. I am making him feel not good about himself which is the opposite of what I need to be doing.

Feeling a little better today.

I am going to really start acting as if and GAL.

And to remember patience is key.

Anyone have any advice or criticism?

I've never been anywhere like here before.

I just made him lunch and then he left to be with her. Now I'm going to do our laundry while he is with her.

I can't explain how awful that feels. Seriously, something in my soul feels like it's dying.