You have been at this for a very long time and really need a sense of closure on everything. I had an empty house for one year which STBEX and I were still paying the mortgage and home equity line on getting it ready to go on the market. Despite the sorry state of the housing market, sometimes you catch "lightning in a bottle" and get the property sold. Since that happened a few weeks ago, I need to figure out what passes for the "new normal" in terms of finances...
If you employer has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), they may be able to provide you with a referral to a D lawyer and a discount on the hourly fee (mine was a 25% discount and every bit does help these days). It sounds like the only real bugaboo is on the finances since it appears that all the "stuff" is divvied up and IIRC there are no kids in your sitch.
I get your point that a large part of this is about control. Once I finally figured that out in my sitch, a lot of things began to make sense.
Now what is Z doing to take care of herself? IIRC you had gotten up with a good group of friends in your new locale. Are they still part of the picture? Are you seeing an IC or thinking about doing that? Given the stresses I was experiencing three or so years ago, I got up with a really good therapist (again through my employer's EAP). The visits have tapered off now to once every four to six weeks because I value the guy's insight and perspective.
You already know this - but this is your safe place to vent to your heart's content. I regret that you're back here - but also glad that you came back (if that make any sense!)
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Hey, thanks! I’m glad I’m back. I do need a place to think. Today, I’ve been all over the place on H. One minute, I’m thinking “he’s not unmanageable, just badly damaged.” The next minute, I’m thinking “I am so sick of his garbage I can’t believe I put up with it this long.” It occurred to me today that he may really be close to being done with the house and the idea of living with him again may have wigged me out unreasonably… or maybe very reasonably. You are so right that I’ve been at this for a long time and closure would be a welcome relief.
I am not going to an IC. I’ve tried it a few times, but always end up feeling like I’m just wasting time. I get more real revelations about myself, just by reading my own journaling and rants.
Nonetheless, z is doing a pretty good job of taking care of herself. I joined a women’s club at the beginning of the year, which has me doing something most weekends with some fabulous ladies. In fact, I’m hosting a party for them soon. I also joined a Jane Austen book club that I may ditch, because it’s not a priority. I’m active with a couple of charity walks right now, though I’m going to give both of those up after June and just focus on raising awareness for one of the charities. (Ever heard of Sjögren’s Syndrome?)
My Sjögren’s isn’t under control, but I’m trying lots of pills for it, and haven’t had a full blown sinus infection in months. Hallelujah! I decided to give up running and take up yoga again… just started last night so I’ll have to let you know how that goes. Tonight I get my Krav Maga DVD set, so I’m really excited to start hitting cushions. Next week I have my first of five sailing classes. I’d like to go back to studying Italian and the piano again, but that silly day job is in the way.
For the past three months, I have had my cousin living with me, though she’s probably leaving soon. Bummer. H probably blames her for putting the D idea in my head, which couldn’t be further from the truth, but suits his need for isolation. Anyway, my cousin actually thinks H is pretty awesome and reminds me of all of the things I ought to appreciate about him. She even thinks his conspiracy theories are fascinating rather than scary, but then he’s not making conspiracy theory decisions about her life. It could be said that living with someone who likes and respects me hasn’t reflected well on my H. It’s been really super having someone around when I get home in the evening, who likes the same things I like, who doesn’t criticize me, who can have philosophical discussions without judgment, and refreshingly engages in interactive discussions that require thought. She’s a writer, and I really have a lot of fun talking through plots and motivations with her. She doesn’t go for all of my ideas, but she clearly thinks about them. It’s so nice to have my ideas heard and appreciated.
One of my girlfriends just posted on FB that her D is final today. She’s having a party to celebrate. Her other friends are all congratulating her. I can’t imagine congratulating someone on their divorce. Don’t get me wrong, I know she wanted it and maybe it’s the greatest thing that ever happens to her, but it’s like popping champagne over a casket.
The time he got mad at me for buying the wrong kind of windshield wiper fluid, and I couldn’t prove that I’d bought the right kind, because I’d already thrown the bottle away, but he wouldn’t take my word for it. (November 2002)
The time he said I lost the Renaissance Festival tickets and he harangued me about it mercilessly, then found them at his apartment. (October 2003)
The time he complained that I was going to ruin my transmission by shifting gears too late when I drove, so I started shifting a little earlier, and then he complained I was shifting gears too soon. (Sometime between 2002 and 2004)
The time he claimed I never gave him a grocery list that he later found in his pocket. (September 2004)
The time he said I lost the dog’s medication in our apartment in Denver and he harangued me about it mercilessly, then he found them back at the house in Kansas City with his stuff. (April 2007)
The time he told me that I didn’t read the instructions on a bottle of drain cleaner, when I had. Then he said I hadn’t used it twice, and I had. He wasn’t even there when I was doing this, but I couldn’t convince him that he had no way of knowing what I’d done or not done. (April 2011)
The time he told me that I couldn’t run in a relay marathon, because I just wasn’t up to it, even though I was training for it. Then he told me that I wasn’t training, even though he has no way of knowing what I do with my lunch hours. (March 2011)
It occurs to me that he complains that his brother treats their mother this same way.
My aunt sent me an email today wanting me to forward it to H. It was all about how she was thinking about him and appreciates him. She has never spent much time with him, but she’s a sentimental kind of person so it’s not totally weird that she’d do something like that out of the blue. In fact, I think it’s very nice, so I sent it to H, knowing he won’t think it’s nice at all. Anyway, I don’t expect to hear anything back, unless he wants to gripe at me for telling my whole family about our situation. I haven’t told anyone, even my cousin who lives with me knows the bare minimum, but H is all into his privacy and will accuse me of speaking to my family like that’s bad. I’ve chosen not to talk to my family about it, because they’ll all have opinions and it’s already confusing enough without more opinions. I’m sure my cousin hasn’t said anything to my aunt about my sitch as we generally have a rule about not ratting each other out to our moms.
So today I want to rant about my brother in law, mainly because I think he’s a bad influence on H. H lives with his B, and the more time they spend together the more alike they are and the more sacred BIL becomes. H says he’s still the same man I married, but I don’t think so. He has occasionally channeled his brother through the years, but now it’s almost always. H used to be a little weirded out by BIL. H loves his brother, but even he could concede that BIL is anti-social, irrationally reclusive, negative, perfection seeking, miserly, and closed minded. None of this matters anymore to H and H says his brother is just misunderstood.
H told me and our MC last year that he was worried about what would happen to his brother if H moved out here with me, because BIL wouldn’t have anyone in his life. Hello… the man couldn’t have driven his wife away more effectively if he’d chased her with a stick. He doesn’t invite anyone except H to his home, ever. He doesn’t allow his wife to invite people over, ever. He doesn’t go to visit other people if he can avoid it. He doesn’t socialize with anyone except H. He doesn’t open his front door if someone rings the bell, ever. He doesn’t even open his blinds. He doesn’t want friends. It is his choice not to have any friends, but somehow my husband believes he is responsible for being the only link his brother has to the outside world. Meanwhile, he doesn’t feel the same obligation to me (his wife) living in another city for five years.
BIL is such a miser that he doesn’t turn the heat on in winter until it’s really freezing and then he keeps it low so it’s always cold in the house. BIL doesn’t turn the air conditioner on in summer until it’s really hot and then he keeps it set high. (He also doesn’t want the windows open so when it’s stifling you can’t get any fresh air.) He doesn’t allow the stairwell light on anymore even though there are obstacles on the stairs that could cause a person to go flying if they make a misstep. His brother doesn’t care about anybody’s comfort or safety, just shaving a few dollars off of the utility bill every month, and he’s not even close to poor. H used to think that his brother’s discomfort for the sake of thriftiness was over the top, but now H goes on about how his brother is just trying to save a little money. Worse yet, the last couple of times H has been out to see me he’s started messing with the thermostat and complaining about lights being on. H doesn’t even pay the utility bills, so what does he care. Fortunately, at our house H doesn’t put up a big fight if I’m cold and want the heater turned back up or if it’s dark and I want a light on in the next room just for the sake of having a light on. Still, I know he’s trying to follow his brother’s “admirable” example, and I don’t like where it’s heading.
BIL is so antisocial that he can’t hack when anyone disagrees with him. I know BIL and H are much more closely aligned in their views of the world than H is with me. Most of the time BIL is just narrow minded, but sometimes he is really sick… like getting gleeful when bad things happen to politicians he dislikes. I’m a very opinionated person, but in my H’s family it is forbidden to disagree with BIL, because he can’t handle it. If I even say, “Well, I don’t really see that the same way,” and leave it at that, H will wait until we’re alone to jump on my case for disagreeing with his brother in his brother’s own house. I once sat through five minutes of his brother’s vile tirade, and got b!+ched at for saying I disagreed??? More recently, H has taken to telling me that I’m not allowed to express my opinions in our home, because H lives there too and doesn’t agree with me. ??? What kind of macho, caveman garbage is that??? He gave up on it, but I really think he was serious.
Knowing H has really opened my eyes to different political perspectives, and even if I don’t always agree with him I do have a better understanding because of him. It doesn’t matter how open minded I am, because if I don’t absolutely agree with H then I am absolutely wrong. Nowadays, H doesn’t even ask my opinion, he just tells me what I think. Last week, I saw an interviewer asking a politician really stupid questions. I said something like, “That’s dumb.” And H started yelling at me because he thought I was criticizing the politician. I didn’t even bother to tell H that it was the reporter, not the politician who was being stupid. Why? He doesn’t listen anyway. Short version, the more time they spend together, the less tolerant H becomes.
H does better when he’s not around that awful little man. Together they seem to be forming some twisted new standard of normal for themselves. Yuck!
I'm actually tired of being mad at H. I'm a little mad at myself for putting up with his dismissive and belittling behavior all of these years, and then I'm proud of myself for being strong enough to keep my sense of self all of these years. I've known for a long time that most of this comes from him feeling bad about himself and that he can't admit that he has a problem. Thing is, I can't live with that anymore. It has never been my fault or my problem and I don't want to keep making myself responsible for it.
I was talking with my cousin the other day about something else and she observed that I don't put up with people's bull. When someone comes in and tries to derail an issue or distract people from the real problem, I'm inclined to keep redirecting back to the things that really matter. I started thinking about all of the whacky people I have in my life (H isn't the only one) and realized that the ones I can tolerate are the ones who can own their crazy. I have a couple of relatives who are always being self-righteous and acting like they're perfect and anything that goes wrong in their lives is not due to anything he did. They really believe that they are victims of the world, and I don't like being around them, because they believe their own bull and weigh everyone around them down with it. Temper tantrums run strong in my family and I'm even prone to them, and I can forgive almost anything that is said during a rant so long as the person recognizes later that they were out of line and acknowledges it. That's where I can't forgive H. I listed a few of the really outrageous abuses against me in a previous post, and of those I'd say I received an apology for less than twenty percent of them. In fact, most of them went unacknowledged. That's not even counting the dozens of daily (over ten years) dismissals and critiques. Consider someone taking your head off over something imaginary like buying wiper fluid without supervision and not receiving an apology later, because that a) never happened or b) was perfectly justified. I truly think that screwing with someone's head like that is the worst thing a person can do to another. H has been doing this stuff for years, and I can't imagine how I ever trusted him.
One might think that I hate my H, the way I go on about him. I actually do love him, I just have to keep reminding myself of what he’s done, because I know he will say anything to suck me back in. He can be very generous and thoughtful, so it’s not like he’s always abusive or always lying or always inconsiderate. He’s just like that enough that I don’t want to put up with it anymore.
The only thing that is wrong with me is that I keep trying to accommodate his bad behavior toward me and it’s wearing me down. I never know if the person I’m talking to is going to be reasonable or irrational. I’m becoming a person that I don’t like. I don’t like being angry or scared or uncertain. More and more, when he’s around I feel like I’m supposed to wait for him to tell me what to do or guess what he will think is right before I do something that he might criticize or disapprove. That’s just weird. I am an intelligent, competent woman who has a lot of achievements behind me. I should not be dithering around the house feeling helpless.
I was looking over some old posts a few days ago and noticed there were lots of references to H not feeling like he could talk or that he was walking on eggshells. At the time I felt bad for him. Now I think he ought to be walking on eggshells, he ought to be thinking very carefully before he speaks, because he uses a nasty tone of voice and says unkind things. He should watch his behavior, especially if he ever hopes to have a relationship with another woman again.
Can't get the Violent Femmes song "Gone Daddy Gone" out of my head. It was even in my dream last night.
Haven’t gotten back to the divorce papers recently. I have to look up a few things to finish, but I’ve got time. I don’t really need to get it over to the court for another week or so, because I won’t be able to see H to give him a certified copy for another couple of weeks.
Crazy busy day at work ahead today. Crazy busy weekend coming up. Crazy busy week at work next week. Think I'll see about taking next Friday off to recoup, since I wear down pretty easily on a normal week. TTFN!
H sent BOGO coupon for Smashburger to me today. Most likely cleaning me out of his blast email list is not a priority, but I still had and “Ahhh… that’s so sweet he wants me to have a free cheeseburger” moment. I did not, however, have a “I would put up with any sort of crazymaking to have more free cheeseburgers” moment. That’s saying a lot, because I love cheeseburgers. It’s interesting how much of a hard@ss I have to be to keep from breaking down and giving up on the D. That’s one reason, I don’t want to talk to him. He’ll lie and I’ll have to fight to keep from believing him. He talks tough, like there’s no way I’m getting a D without his permission, but if he’d actually shown that he was willing to fight for the marriage rather than fight against the D, he might have had half a chance. I think, though, that would cost him too much self-respect. He would have had to sacrifice a lot to regain my trust. I don’t think he could do it if he wanted to. I also think it’s ironic that an intelligent, competent, positive, pretty woman with a long list of achievements behind her chose to be with him. Instead of considering that I had good reasons for making that choice and being impressed with himself, he decided to tear me down to make himself feel better. What a mess.
I'm exhausted and cooking up a storm. This weekend did not go as it should have and that's probably a good thing. I committed to a friend to help her with her MS Walk Team this weekend, and then H's goddaughter announced this was her graduation weekend. I thought I'd see her at her wedding this August and I was already committed to be the MS Team decorator, so I passed. H was not happy, but he made plans to go on his own and then hinted endlessly that I should break my commitment here. Since I'm counting on this friend to help me with the Sjogren's Walk, I thought that would be pretty crummy so I didn't give into his sullen hints. Good thing too, because it would be awkward sitting on a plane next to him given that I just dropped the D bomb. (How I hate that he always makes me sit next to him on planes even if it means I have a crummy seat. He needs the aisle, I want the window, so he always books me in the middle seat so that I'm right next to him. As if we can't get to the same destination sitting separately in perfect comfort. And he gets mad if I suggest that. He puts on his headset and watches tv the whole time anyway, so there's no reason why I ought to be wrestling for an armrest with the person whose window seat I envy.) I've digressed.
Anyway, since I'm in town for the MS Walk and it's done in the morning, I decided to throw a Kentucky Derby Party, which I've wanted to do forever. I'm making fried chicken some side dishes and of course mint juleps. I'm pretty beat, but I'm having fun.
