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Change "today you have a chance" to "today WE have a chance"...

This is helpful feedback. The end result that all of us here want to achieve is to save our marriage and rebuild the relationship with our spouses. I can make all of the changes and improvements to become a better person, but as long as there is a third party involved there is little or no chance of establishing a new relationship with my wife.

She needs to make a choice and she needs to know that her actions have consequences. To accept what she is doing without her having to face the reality of what she is doing cannot continue. I will have the discussion with her this weekend. I am on holidays next week and depending on the outcome of the discussion I will need time away from work to sort through my emotions and get my head on straight.

I will be very clear that she has to make a choice and just as she was the one who chose to have an EA, this decision is hers to make and I am prepared to live with the consequences. I have been DBing for almost 17 months and although I have made great progress, our R has not moved forward. We no longer function as a family, wife has no interest in doing anything family related and this concerns me the most. There is no benefit to keeping this charade moving forward.

So the weekend came and went. I had several chances to talk to my wife about the status of her relationship with the OM. I was prepared to have the discussion with her, but when the time came I just didn't feel motivated to have the discussion. Its almost like I don't really care any more. I doubt that she would have given me an honest answer anyway so whats the point.

I am here for my kids and for myself. i am no longer here for my wife. Its sad, but with each day that passes, I feel less and less of a need to reconnect with my wife. My focus is on my kids and ensuring that they are ok. My wife and daughter just came back from a trip and my wife told me that my daughter was crying because she missed me so much. My daughter also could not wait to give me a gift that my wife and her bought for me on their trip.

My daughter missing me was the best gift I could have asked for. Prior to the bomb, I don't think my daughter would have been that upset about being away from me. Since the bomb, I have spent more time with her and have been a more caring dad.

Wife is going away in April for 10 days on a trip with her father. I am looking forward to this as it will provide me with an opportunity to be a great dad while my wife is away. My kids previously would have been freaking out about my wife going away and leaving them alone with me. Now they don"t even see it as an issue.

I just need to stay focused on being a better person and spending less time worrying about what my wife is up to. I also went into work today to get caught up on a bunch of work that I have been ignoring because I have been focused on my situation. It was a very productive day and I felt that I accomplished alot work wise. Much more gratifying then wondering what my wife is up to.

I know how you feel punchy.
It's only been 5 months since the bomb for me,
and W isn't even acting like a real "room mate".
Doesn't do anything with the family, not even with the kids.
Spends all her time either gone or on her laptop.

17 months huh? Not for me.
We'll have a D final in about a month.
My thinking is even this is part of the process.
She can't feel her loss until she has reason to.
It's moving forward one way or another.

Good luck punchy.

Update...

So I still have not had the discussion with my wife about the OM. Since my last post, my wife has taken some more interest in the family. This past weekend we went out of state on a small weekend trip. Was my wife's suggestion. We took off on Friday morning and came back Sunday night.

We had a really good time as a family. This was a great chance for me to DB, as in the past my wife did like to travel with me due to my impatience. I was always in a rush to get to where we were going and pressuring everyone to hurry up. Once we got there, I was always annoyed if we were doing something that I was not interested in. The new me no longer cares when we leave, what time we get there and what we do. As long as we are spending time together as a family I am happy.

Lately, my wife and I have also been going to the gym together. This has been her suggestion. She previously was going by herself but now asks if if we can go together.

Small signs of improvement I guess. I have to keep reminding myself that the goal of all this effort is to become a better person and not to get my wife back. Based on that objective, things are moving forward. I keep putting more and more distance between who I was, both in terms of time and actual improvements.

I still want to discuss the status of her and the OM. At this point I think I am more curious about whether she will be honest with me vs whether or not she is still seeing him on some level. I do know that they still communicate etc, so I have some information that I can use to validate her response.

Will likely try and have the discussion before she goes away on her trip with her father.

Same sitch here. Wife dropped ILYB bomb in Nov and then at the end of Feb the full EA was revealed after their passionate kiss. To her credit she told me all but now she just wants to be "let go". We met once with MC just after this in March and she said she cut off all contact with EA. She also promised me she would not see him while we were living together. Although I believe nothing from her now so it holds little water.

So here I am like you guys. Doing the LRT and GAL. But the day will come soon that I simply need to ask even if she lies. I will ask where we stand. LRT does not seem ti be getting me anywhere. She is very happy to play the "no talking game" and seems to be determined. At least she was last time we really talked about things 4 weeks ago. Maybe since she met with her own counselor she has doubts but I really don't think so.

Sorry to hear it. I would suggest to set a boundary as opposed to an ultimatum. Boundary is more "if you choose to continue these actions then x". I know it sounds the sane but you are not telling them to do anything different buoy are giving them freedom to act as they choose only that the actions have consequences.

Good luck vi will be reading as you post.

Thanks Paper. I need to sort out what the Boundary is that I will put in place. Unfortunately she does have to interact with the OM on occasion re actual work related matters. This does make it more challenging. I need to sort out how far and if I want to push this.

Update....

Nothing much further to report on my situation. I am closing in on 18 months since the Bomb was initially dropped. This was the initial timeframe I gave myself with respect to how long I would stick with the current situation of living like room mates.

We went to a funeral on the weekend for a friend of mine whose father passed away. These situations cause me great discomfort as none of my friends know about the status of our marriage. It pains to me see the other couples interact knowing the status of the relationship between my wife and I. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Wife is leaving tonight for 10 days on a trip out of the country with her father. I am really looking forward to her being away. I have not yet had the discussion with her around the status of her and the OM. She has been really stressed out about her job and going on this trip so I didn't think that this would be an ideal time to push the issue. Her work emails show that they still communicate fairly frequently, but they alos indicate that they have cut off the contact outside of work hours. Before I confronted her about the EA, she was always texting him on the weekends and week nights especially before she would go to bed. I only caught a glimpse of these text messages once when she accidently left her cell phone on the dining room table. At the time I didn't know who she was texting but the content caught my attention. Work Emails from him to her now state "hope you have a good weekend" etc, implying that they won't be communicating over the weekend.

I am going to deal with this when she comes back from her trip. In the interim, I am going to use these 10 days as a chance to experience what life would be like without her. I still have in the back of my mind, a plan to expose her actions and file for divorce if she indicates that she refuses to stop seeing him. I don't really want to spend the rest of my life living like roommates while she goes off to work and gets her thrills with OM.

Its now been just over 4 months since I confronted her about the EA. She may need more time to get over it if it was going on for an extended period of time. I am hoping that while she is way she will reflect on where she is at and come back with a clear direction.

I am ok with her staying or leaving, but am not ok with anything that involves us and the OM.

I dropped my wife off at her Father's house last night as they were leaving early this morning for their trip. My plan was to not initiate any physical contact or emotional exchange etc, simply wish her a safe trip. On the drive over to her parent's house, she mentioned that she felt bad about leaving the family behind and wished that we were coming with her. During my last conversation with her on family travel, she indicated that travelling as a family wasn't doing anything for her and that she was not interested in doing this anymore.

I carried her bag into the house and we had some discussion around minor details about the trip and the kids. I thne said that I needed to get going and to have a safe trip. She leaned into me and said thanks for letting her go on the trip and helping get organized. She then moved into closer to give me a kiss. It looked like it was directed to my lips, but I turned my head slightly and let her kiss me on the cheek. I kissed her back in the same manner.

It was the first time that she has initiated any sort of physical contact in over 18 months. It was totally unexpected based on her past behaviour. I am not going to read to much into it, but it certainly was a 180 on her part.

Anyway, a couple of minor behaviour changes on her part. I now have 10 days to work further on being a great parent while my wife is away. Part of my wife's concerns with me is that I was a poor father and that my 3 kids were afraid of being alone with me due to my angry approach. I have made a huge improvement in this area and really want to excell over the next 10 days.

I am really looking forward to this!

Not an expert on this, but I just want to point out that she gets from him what she "thinks" she can't get from you. I'm sure you have heard terms such as "he understands me" this is really her saying "I don't think you Understand me". Make sure you validate her feelings. The best Piece of advise I read was " her feelings are her reality, no matter how illogical it seems to men." OM is most likely validating these. I found that in situations like this with my W the first opportunity you will get is when she complains about you. Let her know you understand why she may feel that way, and use this as an opportunIty to pull a 180. If you won't "listen" OM will.