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Thanks again Zero

Things took a bad turn over the weekend when I found out that she has just started to see OM for a couple of dates. She has insisted that that is only it (just going out for drinks and spending a day with him) and started 2 weeks after we separated, I was gutted to say the least, and when she got back from staying over for work again we had a big row. W insisted that she has done nothing wrong as its only dates and we are separated anyhow.

After leaving to calm down we had a very amicable conversation, and she apologised for letting me find out in the way I did, and said she would have done the same if in the same position and should have considered my feelings.

I still feel that she is moving this very fast to just run away, she wants no furniture (except some old units in the garage), although the place she will be renting has no furniture. She said to me she hasn't thought about taking Friday off to move in or even about essentials like plates, cups etc or even a sofa or bed!

I will be giving her some money for the deposit, as I think this is amicable, plus I need her to move out ASAP for me, so I can GAL and think out me.

I said to W that in 14 years all I have ever done is put my wife and the kids first, and have forgotten about me.

MIL called yesterday morning and we had a long chat, MIL was gutted over the situation and thinks W is having a MLC. MIL kept saying how sorry she was and I am welcome over anytime.

I have always had a good sense of humour, with a bit of sarcasm in, this is one of the areas which W liked in me at the beginning, but as I have been so low with the S and the way the W had been treating me this had seemed to disappear somewhat, I need to get this back and have started good inroads.

I haven’t talked about the R, all I said a few days ago was to let her know my position, in that I didn’t want her to leave, she needs to do what is right for her, and I felt the issues we had were not insurmountable, that is all I said and left it there. We talked about bills etc, and I said to her that although she has never done that as I assumed that role she is a very cleaver lady who would have no problem figuring things out, we also talked about washing and ironing as I did some the other day, basically saying that we can both do all things, but in our M we had assumed these roles.

Thanks again Zero

Things took a bad turn over the weekend when I found out that she has just started to see OM for a couple of dates. She has insisted that that is only it (just going out for drinks and spending a day with him) and started 2 weeks after we separated i.e. last week, I was gutted to say the least, and when she got back from staying over for work again we had a big row. W insisted that she has done nothing wrong as its only dates and we are separated anyhow. OM lives in a differnt town.


After leaving to calm down when I got back we had a very amicable conversation, and she apologised for letting me find out in the way I did, and I apologised for reacting in the way I did, however W said she would have done the same if in the same position and should have considered my feelings.

I still feel that she is moving this very fast to just run away, she wants no furniture (except some old units in the garage), although the place she will be renting (which is only around the corner) has no furniture. She said to me she hasn't thought about taking Friday off to move in or even about essentials like plates, cups etc or even a sofa or bed! so we had a brief conversation on what she would need and some suggestions from me on what to take.

I said to W that in 14 years all I have ever done is put my wife and the kids first, and have forgotten about me.

MIL called yesterday morning and we had a long chat, MIL was gutted over the situation and thinks W is having a MLC. MIL kept saying how sorry she was and I am welcome over anytime.

I have always had a good sense of humour, with a bit of sarcasm in, this is one of the areas which W liked in me at the beginning, but as I have been so low with the S and the way the W had been treating me this had seemed to disappear somewhat, I need to get this back and have started good inroads. I have realised that over the past year or so I had just become tolerant just for the M, not thinking about my own feelings or how strong and confident I used to be in the home.

I will be giving her some money for the deposit, as I think this is amicable, plus I need her to move out ASAP for me, so I can GAL and think out me.

I haven’t talked about the R, but after yesterday I felt I needed to clarify my position and about giving her the money. All I said was "I hope you know that I dont want you to leave and, I feel that our problems not insurmountable, I am doing this for you", which she replied "I know" softly, that is all I said and left it there. We talked about bills etc, and I said to her that although she has never done that as I assumed that role she is a very cleaver lady who would have no problem figuring things out, we also talked about washing and ironing as I did some the other day, basically saying that we can both do all things, but in our M we had assumed these roles, and we had a laugh over the controls on the washing machine.

She is not sleeping at all atm, (like me really) as she said lots of things are going through her head. I think moving out is the best thing so she can think clearly without me around, and as you said Zero, if I try and hold her back or not help that would just push her away further. Also with her in her own place I can go as dark as possible, which is what I am planning to do.

This new turn really hit me today that the W has started to see someone else. I was GAL and could deal with the R breakdown, but not this. I sent some text telling W how she had made me feel by doing this, shouldn't have done but needed to.

Dont know what to do or say anymore!

OM??? Sigh. That bites. Whatever you do, don’t let that derail you. It’s not even a reflection on you, but more on her state of mind. As a WAW, I’d rather gut it out alone than invite another person into my life to share all of this angst, but that’s me. I can see how others might not. Others here on the site can talk to you about how to get zen about it, if that’s possible. I don’t have any experience with PA or EA. Calystra or MAL (who’s not on often anymore) are two people I know who have some insights into this, and may be able to help. You might try posting to their thread to ask them to stop by yours.

You were talking about how fast she’s moving and it resonated with me, because I remember when my H left me eight years ago. He wasn’t out of the house 24-hours and he was looking at apartments and calling attorneys. It was a few weeks later that he told me he wanted a D, like didn’t know that already. I can’t predict what your W will do, but in my H’s case he moved at light speed to separate himself from me and get started on the D, then he started slowing down until he ultimately decided he wanted to reconcile. Like I said, I don’t know if your sitch is remotely similar to mine, but it’s not necessarily the end.

Sorry, I’m short on suggestions other than to focus on yourself and start making your own DB plan. Take care of yourself.
--z

W is moving out on Friday, but wants me to have kids for the first week as she has no furniture. She hasn't even got a bed for herself........ and she has not taken the day off. She wants to move stuff on sat now.

I have decided to stay at a friends for a few days, and have said to w that she can stay at home until sat pm until she can move stuff, and that I will return after she had gone, so to help her. I gave her the deposit for the rental and told her that I was doing this for her so we can both have time to think.

Very strange, she will be in the rental with nothing, she doesn't even want to take photos, even of the kids....

I think you have gotten pretty good advice so far, but I don't think I would be pushing for your W to move out. And I definitely don't think you should move out of the house either. I think for me, deciding to stay was the best decision that I made. I actually think that I made a mistake whn I left for 2 weeks after the bomb. It is so much harder to db when you are not living in the same house together. Sometimes I think that my W thinks more like "out of sight, out of mind"...at a minimum, that is how she acts.

And I would never tell your W that you agree with the separation or D. Why would you say that if it's not true. Just learn from it, I know you already said it. And I think she knows that you didn't mean it based on hour posts.

As far as you laying for her apartment??? Idk. Does she work??? If not, can she. If she can, she needs to get a job and do this on her own, IMO.

And about the OM. I think it is very likely that the OM has been in the picture longer than you think. Maybe not, but it doesn't really change anything either way. Just prepare yourself for that possibility so that you can handle it better than being blind sided. It seems that most of us on here are dealing with some sort of A with our WAS.

Just try to be patient. Time is your freind. It seems like your W has not thought this fully through. This is your chance to make her second guess herself. The way you tell it, she will be living in an empty apartment with no job or money. Doesnt sound to great to me.

These are just some of my thoughts. If you read my sitch, you know how many mistakes I have made. Hang in there ok.

And you need to post your thread in the newcomer section to get more responses. I would probably just start there with a link to this thread.

Thanks islander, I have read all your threads, hang in there. I have copied all my additional posts from this thread to the newcomer one.

W has a good well paid job, but my salary in higher. She is just not very good with managing finances, and I have had to bail her out on one than one occasion in the past, she will need to learn, but she is more than capable. It just seems to me she is running away, she hasn't thought about anything!

Islander has a point about trying to get more comments out of the Newcomers page. There's a lot more traffic there.

You may be new to DB, but you ought to read through a few of the threads in Newcomers and put in a comment here and there, even if it's just to say you understand. (Just be careful not to hijack anyone's thread.) We all appreciate support and encouragement, and most people will reciprocate by stopping by your thread.

Take care,

z