Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

oops , first sentence - your irreverence. Darned no edit button.

Well, this is her chance to learn that hurt and pain doesn't make everybody run. I tell my D's stories (about all kinds of stuff) and a recent one was about Cabanatuan. If you like history, it's good stuff. Anyway, my point is that for all the pain and suffering, everybody didn't run.



My D's were never told this either. I would also tell you, that they know. I would also tell you that I took most of the hits from any anger that kids displayed. I was the safe one. Also, there is something about girls and their Dads.

I'm curious. What about Cabanatuan? Is this about the rescue of the POW's after the Bataan death march?

About running - for now I am over that period when I felt so intensely the need to run, to escape. D felt it too, I think, and even told me that during the time H was away for a 3 week trip, she felt so relieved that she wasn't sure she wanted him back as well.

But both D and I really want our family intact. Its as though we are standing together for this M.

Essential to staying sr=trong is to find a way to manage the hurt and pain. In DB terms we say detach. But how? D thinks she has found a way - cutting, and actually she even told me that she will teach me how to do it, that it wasn't painful.

In her twisted way, she was offering me a way to maintain the status quo.

I declined and told her there are less painful ways to do it.... and that we should work on those.

And of course, I assured her that I am not one to escape my problems, she has never seen me do that, and I always have been the fix it person in the past (although this is one that I cannot fix actively, but if I could wait it out, i will!)

More to do with the people the POW's encountered during the march and those that helped the Rangers.

Detaching is tough. For me, it really took me to focus on myself, my D's and my life. What did I want, how did I plan to get there, what is most important to me. Taking the focus off H and M. It was easier for me to focus on me without trying to take the focus off him. Once I filled my head with everything other than him, I was busy and occupied and as time went by, I just didn't put him into the equation much.



Perhaps she was worried more because she was afraid you would flake out too. After all, no one expects a parent to leave/talk of leaving and when they do, it's natural to wonder what the other one is going to do. It sets the world on end for everybody.

Patience. It is a good thing to have.

Oh yes, she was worried I would flake out. My fault.

I have to admit that I did bring up the possibility of walking away from it all with her in the past. Asked her if she could stand the thought of just the two of us living together.

But she and I agreed then that nothing lasts forever, that this will pass. I think she is confident that her dad loves her too much to leave (and who knows? its the main reason he is still with us, to be sure. My D actually was a DB'er even before i learned about DB!

Seeing me have anxiety attacks though made her doubt my strength.

I have explained to her that actually, the anxiety attacks were protective to me - much like a pressure release.

Hopefully she understands. I also keep my fingers crossed that I won't have those anymore....

I'm a survivor so I'm allowed to make jokes about it!!




...or ... your anxiety attacks were like her cutting, a learned, but unhealthy, way to cope with disappointment and things outside of your control ... and now you are learning healthier ways to deal with those things, including through spirituality, new interests, etc ...

just sayin'

I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend the book The Road Less Travelled, by M. Scott Peck. The two key theme’s that resonate with me in this work by Peck are his views on discipline and love vs being “in-love”.

On discipline, he hypothosises that life is hard, and it is a series of problems, and the process of confronting these problems "evoke in us frustration or grief or sadness, anguish or despair." He says that in dealing with problems and crisis we gain wisdom, strength and courage – in fact dealing with pain and painful situations is the only way we can truly grow. He states, "This tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness." He then discusses how we can learn to cope with suffering and go on to live the life we are supposed to live.

On love he discusses the difference between being "in love" and love. He notes that love is not a feeling, but an activity, and defines it as "the willingness to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own and another's spiritual growth." He writes to be very aware/and suspect of the familiar "in love" feeling for two reasons: 1) "The experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience," which he believes may be genetically coded in us to insure the perpetuation of the species; and 2) "The experience of falling in love is invariably temporary...the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes."

Our vacation back home

Ten days of happiness….. that about sums it all up.

In spite of all the tension, with me trying to get in all my reports at work done, not knowing if we were going to push through until 24 hours prior to the flight, everything went right. I finished everything in the office at 3PM, finished packing early, had time to buy gifts for the family, got to the airport in time! No major stressors.

We were traveling business class, courtesy of his mileage, so D12 was really happy and excited. We slept well, I watched Desperate Housewives (never watched it before and got hooked by the silliness, pettiness and brainless stories, just right for escaping my reality), the food was good, the flight was perfect.

When we got to our home country, it was heaven. All of H’s siblings and cousins took care of us. His younger brother met us, we went to visit his mom and dad, had massages, and joined some Good Friday activities. Next day we went to the family farm, the kids went swimming in the free flowing pool, the food was overflowing, the relatives let us stay in a new “casita” they built on the farm for “privacy”, which we did take advantage of (wink, wink)….

D had the time of her life. She was with her cousins. H’s siblings took us to beach resorts, restaurants, and spent for it all. We did not have to spend, or do an iota of work; we were served by maids and had drivers at our disposal.

H was his old self during our vacation - totally dependent on me for the packing, his clothes, what to wear, things which I felt he started change when he was looking to be independent. He also took charge of all the travel, food, made sure D and I were eating well and enjoying…..we were a family, whole again.

One of the biggest things during our trip was that he took me hunting with him….. And this is something that we have not done since we got married, but we did all the time before. It was one of the sore spots in our relationship – he felt that I did not approve of his hunting, it wasn’t really that, Its was just that I could not go because by then we had our baby, and I was more envious, had the sense of unfairness that he could go and I couldn’t, and I showed it too much.

I feel that he has made an internal decision to stay, and he acts a lot like it. He talks about the future, talks about our plans for more vacations, wanted to buy stuff for the house, all indicators of thoughts of us being together. I noticed that he did not try to call OW, although she did text him “Happy Easter to you and your family”. Darn.

I know he is watching me, seeing if my changes are real, if they will stay. We are comfortable with each other, although more so when there are other people with us. When it was just the two of us it seemed to be awkward. We only stayed within safe topics, nothing else, no R talk. I guess that is the way to go but it was so frustrating for me.

And this frustration is leading me to make mistakes.

Funny how it is, when you are in dire straits, you wish for anything, and you feel you would be happy if it were just anything less that what you have. I am sure many of you in these boards are at that point – just wishing that your spouse was with you, not apart, that you were on speaking terms. Not cold and distant. Not being threatened by divorce.

I was there sometime ago. And God, how I prayed!

And God did answer my prayers. I am in a better place now. But let me tell you, human nature is to be discontented. So here I am, arguing with H about small things, making mistakes.

The first backslide was when I took his cell phone and started asking leading questions about some pictures in it. There was a picture of an outlet store of a brand of jeans that OW likes, and I asked why he took a picture of it. He saw through me right away and asked me why I was asking those questions. Then he said that I should not rock the boat, since we now are at least talking to each other. What I did not like was that he said I was always trying to put him down. That made me write an email to him explaining that I am not putting him down; I am not judging him, only God can do that.

Then again, when we went home, I asked him what our expenses were and he was offended. I could not understand why, as I felt that I was just asking what was my right to know, as it is both our money. I ended up crying, feeling that after our beautiful vacation, he and I ruined it by having to argue.

While it is true that outwardly, I could really explain my words as though they were innocent, inside me I know they were brought about by my mistrust of him.

One thing though, I see that he too is trying. After all of these backsliding, he does not seem to get angry after the incident. I speak to him, and he looks at me, he smiles, he calls. I sense him doing his best to put things behind, to not rock the boat, as he says. Just him saying that lets me know he wants things to be better. But is it for good? Is it too soon for him to know? Is he just testing to see if we culd still work out?

So, have I really changed? How does one learn to trust again once it has been broken? When we don’t even talk about it, but just both know it is needed? When I have not even heard the words I need to hear, the apology? True, I have his actions to reassure me, but I am always looking for something else. Expectations rise, I have to quell them. I know, I know, I can almost hear you all….. patience, patience.

I struggle….. the crisis has been averted, our journey goes on, but new challenges arise. And many of them within myself.

I understand more and more everything that people have written about here in these boards, that I have read before.

Tell me, has anyone here gone through something like I have?

As I said, I feel that H has made a decision to stay, or at least is testing to see if it is workable.

But I do not hear him say it, and he does not act affectionate towards me - no hugs, kisses, loving words. Rather, it is just that he is starting to talk about the future, about plans for us to do things together, and has started "settling" again - doing things he used to do before he bomb, like asking for my help in dressing up, buying clothes, chores - small things he stopped doing a while ago.

He even started touching me in small ways - asking me what was wrong with my leg, playful pushes when joking - again, things he doesn't normally do. And when we sleep, he sometimes snuggles, and does not pull away when I do snuggle.

I am so wishing we could talk .... find out if he is thinking about working on us, ask if he still is interested in retrouvaille. He said that he rarely talks to OW nowadays, and I do believe him, but I am sure that part is still volatile and could always go back to what it was.

Angel,

We are in similar situations. What I'm learning is that the focus can NOT be on fixing the marriage. The focus MUST be on your H fixing himself. What concerns me is that I don't see much evidence of that. Especially when you describe him going back to relying on you for things such as packing etc. If that was something he changed when he left, it's likely because in some way, it bothered him. Falling back into similar patterns is SO easy. But as it's stated over and over, we cannot have our old marriage back. It didn't work the first time. It's not going to work again.

Over and over we are told that it is not our fault that the spouse has an MLC. And that's true. So when they come back, it makes NO sense to try and "fix" the marriage. The MLCer needs to fix themselves. The problem is that unless your H realizes this, you can't do this for him. I may be wrong, but this is what concerns me about your sitch.

I do see a lot of parallels in your situation and mine, but your H is a talker and mine is not, so he does not really let me into his mind and ll i could do is (I now, I should not do this, but I have no choice) mind read.

H does have to change, but I cannot do anything about that, I can only change myself. I have been trying to, but it is hard for me, and basically, the problem I have is that I still want to control the situation, and like an addict, I find ways and means to covertly do this.

For example: I see H looking at a bank account online that I know he used a couple of times for OW related expenses (flowers, tickets to a concert) that he did not want me to know as it is an account I never access. I know H will not do anything to jeopardize our family's finances, in spite of his MLC, and he has made it known to me that he wants me to trust him on money matters - he said that he has proven to us that he is trustworthy on that account, and I must say so far everything has been good.

But still, no matter what, even if I tell myself to leave him be when it comes to OW, he has to sort it out himself .... I find myself thinking of ways and means to control the situation. So I told him we should close that account, as it was a liability, bt of course my motive is to stop him from having a way to spend money on OW. He had no recourse but to agree, but I could tell he could see into my motives.

In our relationship, the struggle to control was and is very strong. For H, it is very overt - he tells me to do things, wants things done in a certain way, gets angry when we don't follow. H is a total control freak. Mine is more subtle - and it also worked better, me getting what I wanted more often than he did.

I have a feeling that H is testing me on this, trying to see if I could let go of my controlling nature. Problem is, I am willing but he also has to let go, plus I also can't just trust yet at this point. He sees that not following him is a sign of mistrust, of not respecting his decisions as the leader of the family! Or maybe he is trying to see if I believe him when he says there is nothing going on between him and OW? I don't really know.

As for H going back to his old ways - I really interpret it more as a way to let me know that he feels comfortable again with me. The things he came back to where not the ones we did not agree on - rather, they are the ones that fostered a feeling of closeness and/ or intimacy between us. For example, last night he handed me his rash lotion (we got heat rash from our vacation) and asked me to apply it on him. I was surprised because there was a time he seemed not to want me to even touch him. He did it again this morning! Maybe I can ask him to apply it to me too tonight?? and take the chance to do some flirting

It seems more confusing than ever. But one thing I know, and I am sure I can control, is myself, so thats one things I can focus on.