Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife of 6-years is Divorcing Me ...Need Counsel II

I hate that there is no "edit" button now. I will work on the post more later but wanted you to see how angry and judgemental you sounded criticizing your w and forgetting how you got here in the first place. She's NOT being that bad to you, and she's not acting crazy either.

The "divine slap" YOU want HER to get...wow, sounds super loving. Good thing you worked on that anger...and her being "Wordly"...wth? What was the porn about? How long was that? The whole marriage? Oh, gee she should be doing whatever you want her to do now, since you say you are all better...re-read that LONG post I wrote to you and get some perspective. Your life doesn't suck as much as you are implying and it's not all her fault.

Come on, get the plank out of your eye and don't ask for divine slaps for her, or you might get one yourself. Prove that you are the man she always wanted you to be. Let her deal with THAT and see what happens. You had a big test this week and so far you're doing great with it. Don't blow it now b/c you are more comfortable with being angry than being sad or disappointed in yourself/remorseful. Own your part, and don't focus on hers. It won't help you or the R, or your child.

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, 25 and everyone. I was moving and have been having issues setting up the internet service in the house (still do, actually).

To answer you question from your previous post (thank you, BTW), there is no OM or affair; not sure where you got that from, but that's not the case here.

If I do sound angry, especially in the last month -- I've been venting, and that's all it is -- venting. It helps me feel better about myself in the real world; I'm more in control of my own emotions in the last 4-5 months (sadness, depression, anger, temptations), of course some more than others. You were talking about setting realistic expectations, i.e. year(s) rather weeks/months. There was a stretch of posts leading up to this angst-filled period where I wondered if I was fighting a loosing battle...basically doubting my own self. And that was me backsliding some. But in the real world with my wife, I am acting AS IF, and with our son, I'm being the best dad and defender I can be.

In a sense, I fell like venting here (or journaling or with friends) is a 180 for me. In the past, my wife was the person I'd vent to, because I was a huge introvert and had no true/in-depth friendship with others. Now I have church elders, accountability partners and closer friendships to share with. If you're familiar with long-term porn addiction, the relationship between husbands and wives turns into almost something like a mother-son relationship. It's very hard to come out of, let alone the porn itself. It was on and off every few months, but by year 3 I was dying to get out of that spiral, but -- due to my lack of that final push, that final commitment, which stems from personal guilt (when no one, not even God can forgive me), low self-confidence (because as enmeshed partners, I was feeding off my wife's already low self-confidence), and retaliation (as the "son" I rebelled against "mom" who setup a lot of rules), and no accountability (because I was downright selfish) -- I didn't. It was strange when the day my wife said she was done, and removed the "rules", like Internet filters, etc, it felt like a HUGE burden off my shoulders (I'm sure it was for her too). From that day onwards, my addiction recovery has been positive and ongoing. I've been almost 6.5 months porn-free. There are temptations (they don't call it an addiction for nothing), but I'm happy that I've been able to re-prioritize. You might've missed it among some of my posts, but I've also given up on masturbation all together. I had a (non-porn related) relapse, but I'm past another month of not masturbating. I have a theory that some of my angst is related to all that pent up frustration.

In my venting I also sound like a religious high-horse. And that's just it as well, venting. In a more conservative religious-based porn support site I'm on, my words have raised a few eyebrows, but you know, I'm quite sure there were more than a few major (and minor) Bible characters who lamented, vented, and pleaded to God. In this aspect, I would like to see myself as doing a 180 too. Religiously and opinion-wise, I was always the quieter one compared to my wife (strong, legalistic Bible/Missions major) and my family (I was a preacher's kid). My wife always said that I was not in touch and/or honest with my feelings for things circular (i.e. her) and for God, and I was aware it. Now I'm comfortable being able to cry when someone is hurt, be sad when someone is sad, be mad at God when I'm pissed at Him, be empathetic when someone is need, and perhaps most importantly, be honest with myself and others.

Thanks again for your much-welcomed advice and words, 25. You're awesome!

alamo,

I understand the need to vent. But it's actually counter productive when you forget how you got here, and I think it's important to keep the focus on you and your work.
Make sense?

Don't worry 25, there are constant reminders of what got me to this point in the first place:

1. DB and other support forums
2. Each time I see our son
3. Each time I see my wife
4. Divorce papers
5. Looking myself in the mirror and seeing all the changes I've made and what kind of person I was a year ago.
6. Etc.

I'm trying my best to stay the course of being a good, balanced, positive, humble, driven, and intelligent individual.

How are you doing this week?

doing well, thanks for asking. We are planning a trip/cruise for our 30th anniversary so I probably should change my screen name.

But then again, it shows how long this stuff can last too. I just read an old thread of holly06 you may want to read. She and her ex h divorced and are now dating again.

She has a good story, with a lot of learning points.

That's great -- I could use a cruise right now too, or something of that ilk. I'm glad y'all have made it this far; I hope to have a similar milestone too. It's so strange that earlier in life/marriage, I saw (from examples around me -- parents, friends, family) celebrating major wedding anniversaries as a given. But now it's something I have to work so much harder than anticipated to achieve, if at all.

UPDATE 6:05pm
My wife saw the (outside) of my new house for the first time yesterday. She was dressed nice and I made it a point to compliment her on that. She flatly responded, "Oh...thanks." But then it opened her up to talking about her long day at the clinic and told me about a patient she had. Then I asked if our son and I could take her out for Mother's Day for a meal. She had totally forgotten about it, and said she needed to get a card for her mom. My wife stood there for a moment thinking about her schedule, so I added, "Sleep on it and let me know what you'd like to do. No pressure, we can either do it on Saturday or Sunday, or not. It's up to you." She said, "Ok, I will."

well handled. Make sure you ask follow up questions if she does an information dump on you. I mean, she may only be venting, but she may want to feel heard too. Make sense?

25 -- what state are you in now? Still in Alaska? The reason I ask is you've mentioned that "this state" 1/3 of divorces don't go through.

I'm now in California. Alaska has a higher Div rate and it's not community property. But like most states, it wants "equitable" division of assets and what's best for the kids. Calif IS a community property state which actually simplifies things, no matter how some WASs may argue otherwise. At least you have some idea what to expect. But when I filed for a sep, (here in Calif, partly to assure this state had jurisdiction b/c if we were up there and things went to he!!, then I'd be stuck up there "Sharing custody" til d13 turned 18. Also I wanted to protect assets b/c h was so enamored of his heroes up there, if they'd said "sell your house and buy our gold", he would have wanted to)...anyhow, my L showed me an article that said roughly a third of filed divorces in Calif, never get completed.

So, does that mean ALL of them reconciled? Of course not. But some must. And that's AFTER filing.

I did file to reverse the sep btw. Made h feel better. And it reflected the truth.

My wife hasn't given her response to whether she wants to go out together as a family on Mother's Day. I've made it a point to not even bring it up or ask. If she wants it, we'll make it happen. If she doesn't, no problems there either.