Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Am I on the right track?

Totally agree.

What's done is done, so I won't really comment on that, however, for what it was, you seemed to handle it as best you could.

Now, time to step away. Give her the time she needs to figure this out.

You take care of you, she'll take care of herself.

No more words will help this.

Truly become the man she wants to be M to. Don't tell her things will be different. SHOW her.

Right now, the most respectful and kind thing you can do for her, is to give her space and time. It is what she needs.

I swear when I was reading that my heart was beating fast and I felt like it was me. I can't find any fault in what you did. Your intuitions were right. You had to know. Not finding out may have caused you more stress, constantly wondering.

But, now you know.

You know what you have to do, so do it. And get rid of expectations and timetables. They will only disappoint you.

And, you better get ready to be very patient.

Hang in there, I really feel for you right now. Go do something like running or working out hard. It will make you feel better, even if for only a little bit.

The problem is that this worked out well for you this time.

And I am glad it did.

In the future?

Ehhhh...

Its harder to break bad habits than it is to not engage in them.

I've thought about this a lot during the course of the past 6 months Moose. And I've gone back to thinking about it quite a bit over the past couple of days.

What's the definition of a doormat? IMO that is a personal matter. What it means to be a doormat to you, may not mean that to me. Or vice versa.

To me, I am NOT a doormat if I choose to stay in this thing even when W is doing things or making decisions that I do not agree with. See, the choice is mine. My W has dinner with OM... I can choose to walk away... OR, I can choose to do my best to understand where she is emotionally and keep fighting.

In some cases, the opposite of being a doormat is to attempt to control something that you cannot control. So your W is in an A... Are you a doormat if you don't confront her? But if you do confront her, are you trying to control something that you cannot?

Some posters here will tell you to set a boundary in this situation... so as to not be a doormat. But a boundary is again, trying to control something that you cannot control. It is an ultimatum. So what? We have the choice of being a doormat OR being controlling? I don't believe that those are our only 2 choices here.

The alternative is to accept the things that we cannot control, i.e., our W's actions, feelings, thoughts, and choices. Then choose... do we continue to stand?

Or not?

Once YOU, me or anyone else here makes that choice, on their own, based upon what we each want for our OWN lives... we are NOT doormats.

That's how I see it.

BITS
Denver

Well, I am in such a different state of mind tonight compared to last night. I am not sitting here wondering, I'm not sad, I feel very calm and it really surprises me. I can't get over the feeling I had when I woke up this morning. Somehow I knew where she was. I was up and dressed and in my car within 5 minutes, and I don't know how the thought was in my head when I opened my eyes.

And guess what, W got in touch with me again this evening. Maybe it was the guilt, I don't know. She wanted to let me know that she didn't think going to the concert this Saturday together was a good idea, and I agreed. Told her our friends who were going had also pulled out so I'd probably just give someone the tickets. Honestly, it was a completely normal conversation. And then she asked me if I was ok and I said I really was. Didn't get into R talk, didn't ask for anything...but I did say that I hoped she knew that her staying at OM's house was absolutely unacceptable to me. She said "H, I know, and I'm sorry. I stayed in a guest room, and I know that doesn't make it any better."

Meh...I don't even know what to think about that. All I know is that this sounds like a very deeply conflicted woman.

We left it with her getting in touch sometime on Saturday to let me know what the Mother's Day plans are. She asked me if I was going to leave her alone to concentrate on finals, and I said of course, and good luck. And that was it.

A good friend of mine who knows the whole story said to me tonight "Moose, you are being more patient right now than I would ever be. I just don't understand how she can't see how much you love her right now." Yup, I don't get it either.

But I can't make her choose. I can only wait and hope, and that's what I'm going to do.

Very nice Moose. Very nice.

BITS
Denver

Waiting equals passive. Don't wait...move. This is where you focus on doing something DIFFERENT. Anything, just do it differently...damn just do something right? Anything.

Hope is something you put deep inside, but you focus on what makes you happy. Waiting feels like eternity, but doing something makes eternity fly by. Get what I'm saying?

Denver, what you said about boundaries and ultimatums made sense to me. I've never really understood the difference - though I can be a bit slow to figure things out. A boundary you are willing to enforce is essentially an ultimatum.

Learning - close... IMO though, a boundary that you are not willing to enforce is NOT a boundary. So essentially, a boundary IS an ultimatum.

BITS
Denver

Denver, been meaning to ask. What does BITS mean?