Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Of Men or of Angels

Hey Man, so glad you began this thread. I have been feeling very much the same lately. "How long before this becomes unhealthy; to me, to her, to our kids?" Though I have set no deadlines, I can see two years on the horizon and feel I have done everything I can to demonstrate a commitment to my M.

I have opened up to forgiveness. I am no longer "crushed" like a victim and "stuck" as though I have no choice in the matter. However, I can't pull the yoke for two any longer. I am still hesitant, though, because me filing is victory for the MLC'r. It is their desire to point to me and say "see, I told you he was a bad guy". But those that matter know I have been sturdy and resolute during the last 20 months. I hesitate because there is a new door to be opened in my life and I don't want to lose many components of the life I've led to this point.

The irony of noting 1 Corinthians 13 is that three pages before in 1 Corinthians 7.10, Paul says the Lord commands "the wife should not separate from her husband" and 7.11 "the husband should not divorce his wife".

I share your dilemma. However, I find myself ready again to don the armor and pull the sword to defend her in a difficult situation she's currently encountering. To MHL's point, this could be the "last effort to notice me" before jumping. She brings these situations on herself and she must learn that no man can validate the insecurities she's harboring. Likewise, without this process, I would have failed to learn that no woman can validate my need for affirmation of my manhood. For the sole reason that she can just as easily disaffirm it.

Wishing you the peace of mind needed to move in the direction you choose.

TrueGritter, thank you for your thoughts and feelings that you have documented here. Although I'm not you, what you are trying to decide I am also trying to decide.
I wish you peace of mind and certainty in the path you choose, whatever it ends up being.
Best wishes my friend

They just haven't found the bodies yet Pun!

Thank you. Thank all of you.

You know I always say this is a process.

And the stages of the LBS?

Definitely see them in hindsight.

Even cycling back through anger here recently.

I don't have children but I want them.

Neither my W or xW has them either.

So

Here I am.

I think it is tougher to make the final decision when it is not made for you.

Inaction or even resisting action is easier than taking it.

I think the true test is can you take action without regret?

Without expectation?

Without any negative emotion holding sway over you?

Anger.

Frustration.

Guilt.

If you have truly explored EVERYTHING you feel and you are OK with YOURSELF

Then you can move on.

Otherwise those cracks will get filled with something.

Something that WILL founder later.

When do you have total faith in yourself?

That is when it is time to act.

When you no longer need anyone to tell you it's ok to make that choice.

You no longer desire or need the affirmation of your choices.

You no longer question yourself.

You no longer fear.

The last shred of regret that I have been processing is for my W.

As I have written here recently.

And I have ACCEPTED that it is not my cross to bear.

I have taken on that burden of hers since we first met.

I know why now and I know that it not healthy for either of us.

I guess I had to question myself one more time as I began to take my last step toward RENEWAL.

I don't know what Renewal looks like yet cause I don't think I am there.

I have never plotted this journey along the way. Only in hindsight was I able to see where I had come from.

I only know that I am ready take that next step.

True,

Glad to hear you so sounding more, shall we say, resolute? It's a difficult first step, but someone has to take it, and I think many times the person in crisis is waiting on us to have the courage to take it. See it through. Say ENOUGH!

Depending on the rules of any particular state, that in it self is a trial. You just have to know that you have done everything you yourself can do, and leave the rest to the Big Guy.

You mentioned you would like children. I have seven. Want a girl or a boy? Kidding, I wouldn't trade any of them, even the Youngest. Point being, it's not too late for that True. Just don't make that the reason to jump into anything ( although I don't see you as a jumper) As Brooklyn likes to say, Get to gettin! You have a new life to plan out ahead of you, and I bet the sun is shining and the birds are singing.

There is nothing cold or hard hearted in that. You've done your duty by God and (wo)man. For the first time in a long time, I bet, make YOU your #1 priority.

True, sweetie, you are a good man.

And yes, you cannot take on her burden nor should you. It would not be right or fair to her. She will need to work through it, if she chooses to in the future in order for her to heal.

And you are right, it is necessary for people like us to really and truly feel that we did all that we could. You have, my friend, you have. Of that there is no doubt.

It is scary, this next part. Scary to really and truly let go. Especially when you have held on for so long. It kind of becomes a part of you.

Take a leap of faith. Trust yourself. And remember who you are, who you have become. And give yourself permission to move forward without a feeling or remorse or regret.

I will be praying for you, T. That you find peace.

Well I have reached the end of my rope.

My W has been avoiding talking to me by her own admission.

I texted her: " Can you please let me know when would be a good time to talk because I have been trying to talk to you for several weeks?"

She called me directly back and we got into a heated discussion.

She said she doesn't know who I am. Doesn't know whether she can be with me. She isn't happy. Doesn't think she wants to stay in Florida.

She wants to get an anullment.

I say how do we do that? What the f@ck?

"I want to just end it."

Well that is we just agree and sign papers. No big deal.

>>>>>>Crying for about 2 minutes<<<<<<<

I don't want to divorce you W I thought I made that clear over the last year and a half.

Says every time she talks to me it is what she did and nothing of what I did.

I say I don't know what was actually within my control. Financially it was difficult and I admit that and I tried to right that situation. I admit to deial of our situatiuon and anger.

"Not good enough."

"Ok. Well I accept that you may feel that way."

"And I don't think your friends and family ever liked me they never gave me a chance."

Well I am not going to defend them I would only ask were you being the person you are or a person in crisis? People can only see what you give them. We talk about my friend and how he never gave her a chance. I say well you had a meltdown in front of him what is he supposed to thnk.

I bring up acoholic friend...she accuses my friend of being one albeit a functioning one.

Many times it comes up that I will not try to convince her to be married to me. It is time for me to understand whether she is willing to work on it or not. Not argue on the phone. Get in front of someone and work on this.

"I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you anymore."

Ok I understand.

"I want to talk to you in person about this because this doesn't feel right on the phone."

Ok I will call you on Monday to set up a day.

"I am not mad at you."

I know I am not mad at you either.

Pun I did what you said: Pray for His guidance, and it is funny I did that last time too. In my first M.

I was torn and conflicted and in limbo and I prayed.

And I got my answer. Or what I thought was my answer.

And this? Is this my answer? He works in ways I will never know and never should know till I join Him.

I can only work from what He put in my heart and my soul. That inner compass I feel is guided in some way.

And that compass is pointing me away from the path of my W at the moment.

I told my W we were like two porcupines kissing. And that we needed to build trust again.

She is not in THAT place with me.

She distrusts everything about our life together. Even the things I have no control over.

She is still the victim.

She said YOU left me! And I can't be with someone who would decide that.

I said if I were faced with the same circumstances I would leave you again.

I said if that is what you are offering then we can both save ourselves the heartache....

TrueGritter
You have my utmost understanding and sympathy.
I empathise so much with you, I don't think you'll ever really know.
I wish the PM function was working somedays, so I could help in any small way.
Your W has a lot of growing up to do, just as my H. does. They're well and truly stuck way back there probably at under 5 years old emotionally.
It's so hard for them to carry the adult burden when they're still functionally children in so many ways.

You keep growing TrueGritter, you are f*ckin awesome, don't ever forget that. Your W can't see it right now as wrapped up in her own pain, dysfunction and warped perception as she is.
I pray one day she can see what a sterling example of a man you are for her sake. You are going to be better than Ok True.

Sweetie, I'm sorry. True, she is nowhere near being ready to face what she needs to face. She still has a long way to go.

She is still blaming you and is unable to take responsibility for her part in all this.

You are just going round and round with her. You need to really let her go. This is a journey she has to take on her own. You need to let her.

Hang in there, my friend.

Yes.

I know.

I finally see that with clarity.

The cuckoo is not in the clock.

"one flew over the cuckoo clock"

The title of my next novel.

Instead of Jack Nicholson we have Jack 3 Beans...

TG,

My H has been gone for 18 months now. He is still very much in the same place as when he left. Just as your W, he takes no blame at all for his part in the downfall of our M. As far as he's concerned I deserved what he did and is doing.

Brooklyn is right, your W hasn't even begun to look inside and deal with herself. If and when she does, she'll realize what an amazing man you are. Hopefully, it won't be too late.

Keep walking your path Grit. Wherever it takes you is where you're supposed to be.