Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not as miserable person anymore

I believe you are looking at it wrong. Your W is seeking validation for her choice of ending the M. She was asking if you were "okay" so that she could feel okay. She doesn't want any guilt on her conscience.

Guilt is part of what she needs to feel in order to feel remorseful if she wants to come back. Guilt forces you to evaluate everything you've done. Especially when you're alone. But when you told her you were okay, she's going to start self-talking to herself that "hey I might have made the right decision since he's fine without me."

I'm sure she misses you to a certain degree, but she doesn't show any regret.

Bond, this sounds like a catch 22. We are all trying to not only be OK, but to be more than OK. So if we are sucessfull, and are "OK" or even better, are we still validating their decision?

That does seem like a catch-22...We GAL and show how happy we are so they don't think we are unatractively miserable. But at the same time, it validates their decision??

You are correct that she doesn't show any regret. If I ever saw even the slightest bit, then I know this would work out. She is still hearing from some friends and family that she should have stayed and worked it out. Her family is closer with me now then we have ever been. I don't know...this is all still a work in progress...A marathon. All I know is I just got my second wind!

The idea of being "okay" is based on context. You could be okay at your work duties, but have a crappy life at home.

She wasn't asking if he was "okay" for his sake. She was asking it for hers. There's nothing wrong with being okay or even great for that matter. You just don't have to tell your spouse about it. It's none of their business. The WAS has written you off out of their lives...of course you're not going to feel "okay" especially about the sitch.

Ignoring the calls was fine when it was the first couple, but when you start ignoring the calls and involving the SD, then you're being childish and it's obvious you're not okay.

Next time, let the phone ring twice. Call her back at a time that you know she won't answer and say something like "hey I just got your message, I was out doing ... Catch ya next time." Then turn off your phone.

You have to truly be okay for you. You have to be okay for you and not just for show with your W.

Today, I was out getting a card and a gift for my mother in law for Mothers Day. While doing that, I get a text from my W (will be ex next week). She asked if I could pay her daughters car insurance while she is in school. I told her that I couldn't do that anymore. It was her responsibility. She replied with a "Wow..you told me you would help me while she was in school".

Me: You got the money from the tax returns (about 800) so I know you have it. I am paying for her school, food, medical bills, electricity, housing, phone...I can go on and on. It is extremely selfish of you to expect me to keep paying for everything AFTER you have divorced me.I am no longer going to enable that behavior.

W: U r the one that said u would pay it jack @ss. I don't expect anything from u. U said it!!!

Me: If you can't be nice to me then we shouldn't have any contact at all.

W: Fine with me!!!! That's so funny that u say I expect you to paythings. U said u would. Im not making sh1t up!!

At first, I said to myself that was it...I no longer want her in my life. I was upset. But then, I started thinking that I have control of me and it is a choice to be upset or to be ok...So I started being ok with it. I also started thinking that I did the same thing to her while we were married and she stayed (at the time) so I am not giving up on her. But I do realize how things have changed. In our marriage, she was the adult and I was the child. The roles have certainly reversed. I see so much anger and resentment in her towards me. I hope she can resolve it, not for me, but for herself. I don't know if this is how she is choosing to get over me, but it isn't healthy.

As a human being, I can't see how there can be a future for us in ANY form. But, I know God works in His own time and can make anything happen. I think this helps me deal with the finality of it next week. In my mind, I wanted everything to work out now. This helps me remember that this isn't a sprint. It could take her years to work through all of this. I am still going to give myself one year to mourn our marriage before I think about getting serious with anyone. But I am not waiting on her anymore. If this is going to work out, it's going to be because of God.

It really is her loss.

Perhpas next time she says," but you said that you would do this or do that" Etc..


You can matter of factly say, " Things change, people say alot of things over the years but situations change, dont you think"

I think that the implication of the wedding vows are there whether she gets that or not. YOu dont have to be nasty or call her names but to me , that is some huge nerve that she would throw that at you. " YOu promised this and that" What about the promise that you would be together till death do you part?

im not sure how i would phrase all this but in a tactful way.

Sometimes, I wonder where all the logic of the WAS is.

Stay strong Brian.

9

One of my friends read what she wrote and said he can understand why she said it...Am I viewing this wrong? Was her words justified?

If she didn't expect anything from you, why did she even ask in the first place? Sounds like she's contradicting herself. From keeping up with your sitch, it sounds like you previously just took the high road and offered when the time came up, but you didn't commit to paying anything. I don't know all the history, but it doesn't sound to me like her words were justified one bit.

Thanks 9 and JB...I learned something yesterday during my talk with God. I think he let me know why all of this just happened. Have you ever heard the phrase "Don't pray for patience for you will get it!"? Well, I've been praying for a couple of things...One, that my W will see my changes in every interaction with her...Two, that I get practice on some of my new skills/attitudes...So her doing this was exactly what I prayed for. I got to practice not blowing up and remaining calm when things don't go my way (being an adult). And Tammy got to see a entirely different side of me. She may not realize it now, but when she thinks about it, my response was a total 180 from how I would have responded during our marriage.

So after learning all of this, it really isn't as bad as it seemed at the time. She may or may not contact me anytime soon but I am ok with that. She is also seeing that I am forming boundries and my counselor said she may try to test them. I will hold strong.

LOL - watch what your pray for. I was praying to be closer to God (before the bomb) and got exactly that, but not the way I wanted. I was also praying to move past the walking on eggshells I had been doing occasionally. I am getting that now, too! What kind of bomb can my W drop on me now that will be a total surprise? Oooh - probably shouldn't ask that question!

On a serious, glad to see how much you've grown through all this.