Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I'm still here all these years later

Hmmm...what comment? And everyone ignored the comment or your cheering?

I am going to read through both threads from start to finish. It will be tough to remember the good times there have been since I came back, but I think it will be good for me too.

However, after reading through them once, I need to let a lot of that go, and try to move on.

Oh..that comment. Looking back, when I was attempting to DB and not be clingy and week, I acted in ways that I am sure felt cold to STBX and confirmed her feeling that I don't really love her, but just want to own and control her. Hindsight is incredible, but now I am almost sure it's too late to learn from past mistakes. Well, not to late to learn, but too late to have that knowledge help me save my marriage.

I don't think it's too late.

Every time you were clingy, pursued her, pushed her or controlled her, she reacted negatively. However, she also reacted that way when you pulled away too much and became ("coldly") indifferent or said things that made her feel that way.

Every time you were just plain loving, accepting and even validating of her feelings she responded positively.

I don't think it's too late necessarily but if you want to DB, I think you're going to have change your tactics up. There's an underlying tone to all of her words that seem to indicate she's feeling unheard, unvalidated and unloved. I know you pinpointed the "straw that broke the camel's back" issue that started this again but I don't know that it's the root issue. She really seemed to be waiting for you to do or say the right thing. Maybe you have more insight into this since you know your W better than anyone. Is this at all related to the last time?

Anyways up to you as to where you want to go... as you know, I too am in the same sitch as far as deciding which path to head down this time.

Calystra - and all.

I started to read through my two previous threads, but after a while it was simply too much for me and brought back too many memories that I just can't handle right now, while I need to focus on the future.

But.....even by just skimming through, I have answers to what I did wrong.

Big picture: At times, I took the advice of "pros" on here too much to heart. That can be the one major negative aspect of this site. If I had listened to my gut and heart at times, I honestly think things would be very different right now.

As for actions between STBX and I, I can clearly see the mistakes I made.

1. Not showing genuine care and affection and expecting nothing in return.

2. Pushing...pushing...pushing. Not letting STBX take the time she needed. I put my agenda ahead of hers.

3. Refusing to realize just how much OM was affecting her view of our relationship and the depths of their relationship.

4. Taking too much from her when she offered anything. As she has said before "I consume her".

5. Reading into EVERYTHING, expecting and being upset when the expectations were wrong.


I could go on, but I think those were and still are my major errors. I would love to hear what others think, but there is a ton of reading there to get some comprehension of our situation.


The one thing I can definitely say after reading what I did. There was a time when our marriage could have been saved. Wow, that hurts!

I don't think the issues have changed even though you two have started to move beyond the R. That's why I don't think it's too late. Plenty of people have fought back from an OM/OW (I did in the past) so it's totally possible. It's your decision when you want to stop DB'ing, but don't give up because you think it's no longer possible.

... and you're totally on track with your assessment ...

That just speaks to how far you've come. Somehow I have to figure out how to get to that place myself.

BTM-

You can still do this. Love, real love, unselfish love is incredibly powerful. It doesn't make you a doormat or a fool. It's all in the delivery.

What does your gut tell you to do?

I suppose it's never too late. But OM has so much control over her life, that it's sooooo much tougher with him involved. But, the reality is he has always been there, and it may be possible that their relationship being in the open could actually help. My thoughts on that would take a ton of time to explain. In short - it just may not be all that special after all. Also, if she feels the other way and loves her new life with him, than she does. If not, it at least, changes things up when some change is needed.

So, I have chosen to continue to try, but with different tactics and without the fear of it not working out. I am more prepared than ever for the absolute end of my marriage, and not filled with fear.

For now and the immediate future, I stay dark. When there is contact between us, I show that I care, do not pry in any way, and really listen to her words and validate my butt off. I need to show that I am compassionate, but not clingy and needy. So simple - put her first!

I have to choose to give her real, unselfish love at a time when many men would to the opposite. I have to love her at the worst of times. I need to apply DB principles, without being cold and uncaring.

I need to let her feel how much I love and care for her. Not try to make her feel it, because I think she should feel it the way I think she should.

The last time we spoke, she said you still haven't changed. She's telling me right there, in a moment of sheer frustration and anger what she needs from me. Change - and not just the changes that i think are good. I have made great progress as a person, but not as a man showing his wife true, unconditional, pure love and affection.

As for the too late thing, I just reminded myself that there are still no lawyers involved etc etc and that there is more than a year before the agreed upon time to sell the house and proceed with divorce.