Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis He has left me AGAIN!

Tip-

Just checking in, you've been on my heart. Jack is incredibly wise.

Alcohol has taken some of my family members. I have heard that the man takes the drink (he can control it), then the drink takes the drink (he can control the first drink, but not the following), then the drink takes the man (he has little or no control when he starts up). The scientific truth of this statement, I don't know.

But it could be the real issues have more to do with alcohol and not MLC or anything else, or anything or much to do with YOU.
And you are at a point that you should look without blinders on--you are the only one in the situation.

But honey, YOU haven't failed. You haven't disappointed, and you really can't disappoint God.

Your fairy tale ending is over. That's because there's no such thing. Relationships are hard labor.

But that doesn't mean your relationship has to be over, and if it goes that way, it doesn't mean you won't have the most wonderful relationship in the future. But darn it-- you deserve to be happy. Someone who thinks you are all that and a BIG bag of chips. Fritos. With dip.

Treat yourself like you are. ALANON will help you. We will help you.

Tipper,

Sorry that you're back here. As you know, you're among friends. I think good advice has already been given. Keep the focus on you. That's all you can do for now. It's apparent your H hasn't done the work on himself that he needed to.

As for his drinking, my own H has some of those issues himself. Nothing like the extant to which you describe your H. If and when he decides to tackle that issue, be aware of the realities of substance abuse treatments. There are tons out there, but most (including to most people's surprise AA) have been shown to ineffective. Do the research and make sure that any treatment has facts to back up their claims. Here's a good discussion on the topic http://www.skepdic.com/sat.html

Again, sorry to see you here but you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You will make it through this.

Tipper,
My heart breaks for you. To know this level of pain is reoccurring is beyond belief. I am so sorry. You have obviously though displayed an incredible amount of strength = you have my thoughts and prayers through this difficult time.
IB

WOW, Thank you all, I really feel the love shared here on these boards.

Jack, I cant thank you enough for giving me that advise. I need to make an ultimatum if he does return to me: Either get sober or no chance of reconciliation.

I heard these very same words out of a Lady I met at alanon tonight. She gave the sober up or leave speech to her h, and he has been in recovery now for several years and they are still together now.My first Alanon meeting was great, I will continue to go for sure.

Unfortunately, I dont feel like my H wants to return or to work out any thing wiht us, cuz- that would mean he would have to work on himself (and god forbid- that would get in the way of beer time).

I am starting to really see and think that he is still cycling through the stages of MLC. These past few months, I walk on egg shells, hes lost his 3rd wedding band - so I bought him the 4th one for his b-day, he is spending lots of money again, his drinking has increased again, he hasnt pursued sex in a while- I think the last 10 times or so were all initiated by me, he rises early & watches porn almost every morning with the vol. low while I am still in bed sleeping, He has been very Egotistical lately, often talks over me.Etc......He must be Cycling in MLC, you think????

I have not called him at all since he left. I corespond to his texts very briefly. I have no idea where he is staying or if he has even gotten an apartment yet. I am really good at outwardly detatching and not pursuing him from my past go around with this. But I do have trouble inwardly detatching. As, my heart still yearns for his love, and I think about us and the sitch were in all day long.

P.S. (SG- Thanks for the uplifting, I just love fritos and dip, and cheetos too)!
TIPPER

YR - no I never felt that you thought we were failures, I just meant that we all feel like failures at times. All of you who have experienced a degree of reconciliation have been so gracious to those of us who have not. What I was trying to say that sometimes in our own heads we all feel failures, relative to others, but we should not.

We don't feel strong most of the time, but there is nothing else to do but keep keeping on, and gradually it gets better.

beatrice

I just wanted to make sure that it didn't come across wrong. LOL

Your right, we just keep on keeping on....it does get better eventually!

Y

Tipper,

Gotta say I agree with Jack on this one...

I grew up living with alcoholics...

When I moved, I knew I didn't ever want to live with a drinker again...

Over the years, I sort of forgot why...

Then MIL moved in with us. She has always had alcohol problems...

It didn't take long for me to remember what it is like living with a drinker.

For me, it is something I will never do again. It is a deal breaker.

There is help for these issues and it can be very successful if they want it to be...

Just remember, that it isn't your choice whether he gets help or not, but it is your choice to live with or without it...

Either way, there is support out there...

(((hugs)))

thanks all,
I am starting to feel really torn inside about the "sober up or no reconciliation" speach.

If my H were to want to work on things and I gave him this speach, I am afraid it is going against what I am learning in alanon.

Alanon suggests letting the drinker figure out they need help on there own with out someone saying they need to sober up to them. They say, NO nagging or complaining about the drinkers lifestyle, just stay busy in your own life. The only one that can make him want to get help is himself.

Now I am confused again. I know that I could not live the way I was (alone basically while he's at the bars). But he knows that allready and is unwilling to change. His words: my motives wont change. So how can I give him that "Speach" if I know it pushes him away allready and am trying to follow alanons advice too?

I know there is no magic answer here and that I need to figure out what I want , But I am just feeling confused now.
TIPPER

I don't think that this is any different than what we say here.
The MLC'er must figure out on their own what is wrong.
No amount of begging, pleading, nagging or complaining is going to get them to change.

So I would say they are giving you good advice.
Get on with your life (GAL).

Sorry you are back here again TIPPER but this is the best worst place to be.

Cadet,
I feel like I have always had a lot of GAL activities going-before, during and after all this MLC stuff.Today, I sent out resumes and tonight I am going bowling, etc... - most every day I have activities to do.

Even when he was still here, I did a lot of GAL stuff, and he would end up coming home even later - it was like I was giving him a free pass those nights to drink out of control, cuz he knew he didnt have to come home for dinner,deal with me, etc...And then that would cut me even more. I guess I just got to the point that I couldnt take it.

However, I am still not sure whether to ever use that "sober up or else " speach again on my H, as it sends him running. If he were to want to rec. I just dont know if I should use it or not. Would it be our death sentence to our M, if its not allready at that point?
TIPPER