Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I never thought I would be back here again....

Day 7 of dark. A full week. Only one contact from him the entire time which was an email suggesting a split of our finances. Did I expect more? No but it still stings.

Had a horrible dream last night about this sitch, trying to shake off the cobwebs of that this morning.

I head back soon to the house, that's going to be tough.

I dream about STBX in one way or another almost every night. One thing we certainly have no control over, is dreaming. Congrats on the first week of staying dark. I really know how hard it is.

What do you mean by "I head back soon to the house"?

I left for 2 weeks to visit my parents - just to get away from it all and recover for a bit. So I'm returning soon, it's going to be hard.

You are going to the marital home? You are in it? Where is he?

Yes, I'm going to the marital home.

The whole story goes like this:

I left to see my parents just to get out of there for my own (and his) sanity. The trip was for 2 weeks but he's not talking to me nor did I share that information with him. Somehow he thought I had left for good and he was just going to mail me all of my possessions. <sidenote: my H is a very logical person so this line of thinking is a clue as to his mental state right now...>

I was like no, I am coming home at the beginning of May. He says well I don't want you to come back here and I'm not comfortable living with you if we are separated. I told him it was his problem as it was my house, I lived there and I had nowhere else to go. He says, you could go to an apartment. Now how am I supposed to find an apartment in Seattle while I'm sitting in Florida? <sitenote: another clue to mental state and that he's not thinking clearly...>

He says he'll just get an apartment then. I said I'd rather you not spend our money on that. He says he's not living there with me. I say fine, whatever, do your thing. So supposedly he'll be getting an apartment and move out before I get home? We shall soon see.

It's going to be hard to be in that house but I don't see why I should stay elsewhere. Plus I want to sort out my own things not just let him randomly mail me my "stuff". <sidenote: clue #3 in regards to mental state as this seems extremely logical...>

So I set a few boundaries during all of this I guess.

(1) I'm not emotionally at the same place he is right now and I can't process it all at the moment. So while he sent me proposals for the split and we discussed this living arrangement things, he is not pushing anything at this moment. I went dark after these discussions.

(2) I'm going to be living in the house and nowhere else, for now.

(3) I'm going to decide what things I want out of the house, not him.

Beyond that, I don't really know what I'm doing yet. I'm starting to move along emotionally but I'm clearly not far along to be able to formulate plans beyond the immediate future which are:

* Get an appointment with a counselor that I like who is pro-M. This may or may not be the C we saw together. While she has the history of us, I'm really unhappy with her at the moment.
* Go to the doctor and get some antidepressant medication. This was based on my sitch for the past 3 years where I'm sure I've been depressed, the difficult time I'm going through now and the fact that my dad sat me down and talked to me about how depression is in our family. Medication has done wonders for him and he pointed out behaviours I've had my entire life that could potentially point to depression.
* Read DR again to refresh all the DB principles in my mind. I recall that out of all the books, I felt this was the best one.
* Continue with my personal trainer.
* Maybe start splitting my stuff up.
* Maybe get a part time job so I don't have to sit home all day.

I have stayed in the house with the kids the whole time. I want to stay with our initial plan of selling the house and divorcing next summer when S17 is done high school and the mortgage is due for renewal. But, I will tell you that sometimes living in "our" house and sleeping in "our" bed is tough. There are so many memories - good and bad - here that it makes it difficult. I know STBX having her own apartment definitely makes her feel like she has very little connection to our old life. She sees us as "not together", "done", "exes" and that is why she was finally able to go open with her relationship with her boss. That reality hurts me, because it makes me realize that she has finally given up on us 100%. Up until the last few months, I believe there was a tiny part of her that still had not moved on entirely in her mind.

A lot of the "pros" here say to stand your ground and make the WAS, do the physical walking, but I don't think that is always the best idea. Once they have actually accomplished that, there are even more sure they don't need their former life.

You have some great boundaries calystra! I also think your near term plans are good and reasonable. I know in my case the ADs helped 'take off the edge' as I also had suffered from low level depression for years. I hope they help (should you go that route).

So I almost achieved the first baby step goal but not quite. H emailed me today and offered to pick me up when my flight comes in so I don't have to get a cab. Also, he has not moved out yet.

Unfortunately he did mention the D in all this saying, "I didn't want to move out until I knew a bit more about our expectations for finances / etc, figured I could wait."

Hmm.

Good signs Calystra. Did you accept the ride? I notice one word in his email - "wait". As long as the WAS is willing to wait to physically walk we know there is some question in their mind.

I just responded to accept the ride, thank him and tell him what time it came in. Broke dark but ... 8 days isn't bad. Maybe it was working a little.