Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis He has left me AGAIN!

Tipper
My xh was also a recovering alcoholic for our M
he got sober at age 21 and stayed sober until 40 and MLC
as far as I know he is drinking again and M to OW a drug addict
i GO TO ALANON..AN AWESOME PROGRAM
nothing w can really do for the alcoholic except detactch and live our lives
PRAYERS WITH YOU TODAY
PEACE

Tipper,

I like the short term goals.

Listen, a lot of people are not going to know what to say at first...

I mean, you did this and you reconciled...

Others are still struggling and are going to be uncertain of how or what to advise you...

To me, sounds like back to basics...

DB101...

No decisions have to be made right now...

Give yourself some time to regroup...

You didn't waste the last three years, and you haven't failed just because your H hasn't completed his journey yet...

It doesn't sound like you have really been taking care of Tipper though... just waiting for her H to be around...

What can you do, besides Alanon, to start taking care of Tipper and begin making her feel loved?

Tipper

You are a strong person, don't forget it! You made it through the initial MLC. It was hard work! This will be hard for you too.

After the inital shock in my sitch, I had to regroup and figure out what to do. Mind you, I never wanted a D and still don't but it is something I have to do for me. I am so done with all the insanity of the sitch. I needed peace and happiness for me. My daughter is ajusting so much better this time because her mother hasn't gone insane. I am actually keeping it together. Oh, I have bad days but the good are outnumbering the bad now. I am in control of my life now.

Give you H the space he needs but don't let him abuse the sitch either. Do what you need to do for you. You know the drill.

BTW, I too felt like I was a failure, but you know what I am the real winner. I know that I gave my M everything I could have aand I am now at peace with myself.

Hang in there!!

Y

YR and Tipper, since the goal for most us who stumble here after the first bomb is initially reconciliation, most of us who do not get as far as you guys, felt like failures, at times, compared to you. Of course none of us are failures, we are successes because we held it together, forgave our h's and got on with our lives. Just so you know!! And you aren't failures - you got further along a hard road than most of us, and had the courage to take it. Shame on them, not shame on us

It is hard when our partner leaves us again, - whether they come back for hours, days, weeks or even years. But until they complete their journey they are not ready to be with us, or anyone else for that matter.

Interesting about the drinking that so many report. Mine never drank a lot - morein the first few months post bomb, but he got it in hand. But he was just mean all the time. Maybe the drinking helps numb the pain and keeps them a little sweeter??

Thanks again everyone for your words of kindness.

I am just so afraid this time it is the real end. I cant see him trying to recover unless if he hit a HUGE ROCK BOTTOM of some sort. He is no where near that yet. He told me his bar patterns will not change.
He loves his Beer and shots. He loves the attention he gets from knowing all the rest of the bar flies and bar tenders.

I was looking back into my 2008 journal last night from when he returned to me last time. It was an eye opener for me.First he apologized and said he would do any thing to work our M out even if it meant cutting back on the bars.Everyone of my concerns I listed were about his drinking and amount of times at the bars and how often he would blow me off and cancel plans for the whole first 6 months of our R.

It made me realize that I really do have a problem drinker on my hands, and I just dont think I can live the way I was these past few months. I guess I want a healthy relationship in which both parties are trying to make the Rel work. I want to feel loved and not just hear the words rumbling out of a drunken slur.

I have been such a push over. My addiction is my H and making this M work. I bend over backwards to make him happy and let him go out drinking. He would text me from the bars, as I would be home hurt and alone : That what matters most to him is that I Love him unconditionally. In other words he was getting eveything he wanted while I got thrown the bone.

I am going to my first alanon meeting tonight at 8(thank God). And my sister in law called me to ask me if She could go with me. I did not pursue help from her, but i accepted to take her for the support. Plus, she loves her brother too.
TIPPER

It is possible...

You can't let that fear drive you to desperation though...

What exactly is it that you fear?

The end of a dream? Being alone?




Tipper, you can love him unconditionally and still not be able to have these sorts of destructive behaviors in your life...

Not being able to live with them, doesn't mean that there is not love...

Please don't mistake that...

Alanon will help you understand that concept...

You have to love yourself first...

Tipper,

This isn't going to be a post that makes you feel better, or overlook his bad behaviour, things will improve you need to relax sort of post.



That is not piecing. It never was.

Taking the WAS, MLC or otherwise, no matter the cost should never be the goal.

We tend to get so excited that they want to come back we lose sight that they should be WORKING on validating our fears and living up to our boundaries when they return.

"It will be ok." Is a poor game plan.

I am sorry. With strong boundaries in place and the spouse working toward meeting them, piecing can happen. You get to be a hardass because you and your relationship should be worth their best effort.

You needed to be tougher, you still have that opportunity however.

beatrice

I hope you didn't think I meant you all were failures. That was not the case at all. You all have the strength I am beginning to have to move on with my life. That is a SUCCESS in my book!

I felt like a failure because my H did come home and after 4 years walked out again. I looked back at the last 4 years and saw that I did give it my all, I knew it was again his problem and not mine and I was the success story. I had grown stronger and wiser through this. I knew what I would not accept again.
It's his loss....

Y

Cat and jack,
My fears: * losing my best friend, the love of my life. *Failing at Marriage which I hold very highly as priority.
*Disappointing family and friends and God.
*Financial fears, as I am currently on unemployment and have no idea what way to turn yet.
*taking care of my house alone, I was in a condo last time he left me and everything like garbage, lawns, and upkeep were done for me with my fees paid. Now I am in a house that was built in 1837 and is falling apart.
*My fairy tail is ending/over.
*having to go through this all over again, I dont think my health can handle it, allready I have lost 7 pounds in 3 days and I was only at 115pnds to begin with. I shake , I sweat, I cant sleep.
* I am afraid he will find another women or go back to the strip clubs, it hurts to think he did it last time, why not again.

jack,
I agree that at first, last time he returned in '08 -he wasnt peicing with me. but the 2nd year '09 I felt like he really was and I felt like things were back to normal again. Then this third year together, I see know he was not piecing and went back to old ways.

I am going to try to be tougher now like you said. Already H has text me that he wants to come get his stuff, I said: "Ok, but just take your personal belongings and nothing shared".... Cuz last time he took my dog with him and several shared items. He agreed and said just taking the neccesities.
Thanks,
TIPPER

Tipper,

Advice, take it for whatever it is worth.

He tries to come back?

Tell him you're willing but this time it is your way, you tried it his way and it didn't work. Your way includes AA or some sort of program if he needs the help, but no more drinking. And that's a deal breaker.