Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again To H3ll and Back

Glad I dropped by to read your sitch and everyone else's comments. I am in that hazy part also where my H already has stated he is not leaving the M, but has not made any committments, and apparently is still struggling with his "in love" feelings with OW (this is an EA only, long distance). I know they are still in contact, he swears that there is "nothing" going on, he is only helping her with her research project. The part about not hurting OW made me laugh; that was one of H's concerns too during the time they were in the proces of ending it, he was so concerned that should think he dropped her and left her without a friend (she has lots) and that she was hurting because she was feeling guilty about coming between him and his family.... all the time, I wanted to scream "what about me? are you not concerned about hurting me?"

Looks like its the same experience with a lot of you. So at this point, might as well not expect there to be any cut-off date that I can look back to.

H sometimes seems so engaged, so in touch with me and the family; then he probably gets attacked by self doubt then wanders away for a bit.

Oh well, maybe I should start my own thread here in piecing even if I am not officially in it yet; I feel that I am not in it yet but on the way; and those of you who have been through this can tell me if what I am experiencing is OK. I have all those ambivalent feelings, wondering if I could feel "in love" again, feeling like I am watching my sitch from the sidelines. Sorry for the hijack MZ, I do hope you visit my thread when I create one as I feel I am trailing you in my sitch.

Anyways, if this is any help, I read on someone else's thtread that the only way to move on is to live each day like it is your first. YOu are piecing now, I don't think it will really matter if you know when he ended the EA, what matters is that it is over and that you are both moving forward and working on the M. Would knowing the date really change things?

However, it would be great if he can assure you that there will be no more lies and deception in the future. I guess though he can only say that when he is ready.

Hi Angel,

Thanks for stopping by....and you didn't hyjek. Yes, create a thread we can go to and check in etc.

It's not so much not knowing the exact date that sticks in my craw. It's the "I can't remember" stuff that feels so conniving and deceptive. It's that feeling of continuing to do smoke and mirrors to protect me (?) hope I drop it (?) keep me in the dark (?) that doesn't feel fully transparent. Know what I mean? It's getting less important as time goes by.

A year ago today I pulled my first 180. I think the details are in MLC section and the thread's name is Piecing via Shoots & Ladders. FYI....if interested.

May 20, 2010 I just had this awful feeling. 1st feelings of panic and uncertainty. H had confessed about an EA with OW and vowed to end it. I was beginning to wonder if H was having a PA and was he really where he said he was. I made the decision to act. Went to find him and he was where he said he was. I met him in a parking lot and he could tell I was really upset. I told him I didn't feel right and that I was scared. I had never really showed him my emotional worry about OW (DBing) and was ccc up to that day. However, on this date I just broke down and sobbed like a child, hyperventilating and the whole show. I was really worried he'd be mad that I came to find him and do this. It's only then that I discovered this was the 180 I needed to do. He was so happy I came for him and as he held me me said, "Oh my God, you do really love me and care. You actually came for me."

An e-mail the next day (I later discovered in June) would indicate that at work on 5/21/10 she broke down crying and left the office. Maybe she sensed something, that we were reconnecting. He then went to her house and picked her up to take a drive and "talk" about their R. The e-mail would indicate that confessions of undying love were exchanged. "I can't stop being your friend and I can't stop being your lover," he wrote. H tells me now that this was when he knew he really wanted to end it. Said he wanted out as early as 2/10, but didn't know how to get out, didn't want to hurt her, the 2 of them working together everyday etc. Things got really messy for a few weeks. It was an intensely painful time.

BUT, here we are 1 year later and she is gone, moved way far away. My freakin PTSD still has me hypervigilant and wondering if they still talk long distance. I just have to keep telling myself that if he is, "Shame on him" and ya know.....I really don't want to be with him if that should be the case and perhaps I'll find out....? I don't think they are. At least he keeps telling me it is done done done. What messes with me is that I'm very intuitive and I'm usually right....What to do with that?!

Hey guys,

One year mark is tough to live through. All the feelings of last year. I think the seasonal triggers bring me back there. ...being in the garden, seeing the leaves pop out, the lilacs blossom....

HOWEVER, H and I have chosen to take the week off and although I have the tapes of their e-mails running through my head (GOSH! I wished my memory worked this well in school!) I have not said a word! Jack! You can be proud of me! What a gift (sigh) that H is forthcoming with a plethora of loving words and appreciation of me. I was in the garden pulling weeds and he shouts from the deck, "Thank you....thank you for sticking it out." That's just one example. He's just been so cuddly, appreciative, and attentive.

MZ

Taking some down time today. It's 15:00 and I'm still in my jammies! I'm OK--(disclaimer) so you won't worry.

It was one year ago that I went to my H office and confronted them. Of course they lied to me. Then had the nerve to go out for a drink after work together.

H is being very attentive and sweet. I said I really wanted to do this day over...make it WAY different than last year. Then he had to go in because someone got hurt.

I had some bad feelings. I had feelings that were unfamiliar. I cried and that helped. Haven't been crying at all lately. That's a big change from crying most of the day, everyday when it first came out.

Checking in-

Things are up and down for me right now. This is the time of year that everything came out last year. Today is one year from the day that OW (scum of the earth) stage-set a crime against herself. Tomorrow will be the day that she brought in pictures to show H and accuse me of doing it!

We've known each other for nearly 30 years, so he knows me and knows I wouldn't stoop that low. He knows she did.

Opinion wanted-
In an e-mail to her (last year) he said he didn't believe I did it and inferred that maybe she did. She got angry, "You don't know me at all!" Then he back peddled (she had him so wrapped around her finger) and said they should throw me "to the wolves." THAT was so damaging to me to read that. Yeah, he was a monster at times, someone I did not recognize. They were both acting out childhood traumas against the mother figure for one, and I got to be the mother. Other people got to be other people to them. I wasn't the only one they hurt badly.

So as part of tx I requested he write to her and tell her he believes I didn't do it. He agreed. So what did he do? Wrote her and basically said something along the lines of "I'm sorry about xxxxxx, I don't know who did this to you, but it wasn't MZ." Maybe just semantics, but not telling her he really believes she did it seems like the continuance of lying. She once called him a coward. In a way she is right about that. He says he hates confrontation. I say he could do confrontation to save us. He tends to avoid. Anyway...I let it go. Am I too picky or do you know what I mean about sidestepping the issue?

MZ,

I know what you mean about sidestepping the issue. However, given that the need which an affair fulfills for most men is how good it makes them feel about themselves, and given that they tend to "rescue" damaged women, it is EXTREMELY difficult for them to hear that they need to crush those women further with honesty. It would make them feel bad about themselves as men who like to help.

I was certainly frustrated by the way my H refused to see the negative things about his OW at the time they ended their relationship. I think that over time he was able to admit their existence to himself somewhat more--after all, he had painted an unrealistic fantasy picture of her in his mind. But, the closer he drew to me, the less it mattered, since his focus was now on me.

I do think that although it feels "fair" that your H should tell his understanding of the truth to the OW, it would be better not to insist upon it. Your H will only feel that you are bullying him to do something he really hates to do (which probably brings mother-baggage into the situation). Plus, the OW would only think, "She made him say that," rather than accepting it.

Try not to think of your H's behaviour as avoidant, cowardly, non-confrontational, etc. Are there positive sides to such behaviour? Could you re-label them in a loving, accepting way? None of us are perfect, so it helps our relationships to accept and understand the flaws of others.

Cyrena,

"Your H will only feel that you are bullying him to do something he really hates to do (which probably brings mother-baggage into the situation)."

You are absolutely right! Thank you.

"Plus, the OW would only think, "She made him say that," rather than accepting it."

Yup.....and when he did send it to her and cc to me the first time, she wrote back and said just that!

I'll drop it. Thanks!

I wanted to applaud you and your H for being a team! Yay you guys!

I'm so glad to hear that the OW moved away too. Looking back, I wish I could have been a person who could have just sent that OW crawling back under her rock far away from me every single time she came into my mind. In our case it was a 4 1/2 year PA that started when we'd been married for 2 years. I'm really good at sensing things, I figure out where most movies are going quickly, I know people, etc, etc but I never for one second saw what was going on under my nose. That my H had any ability let alone willingness to keep tiny secrets was unfathomable to me, we shared everything, we were very best friends, we had a great marriage. Well, no, not exactly. That blew my mind so much and destroyed my confidence so much that I just had to know everything, hunt down every microscopic hint that I'd missed, etc, etc, etc. So I got told some dreadful things like my dear H gave me an anniversary card and later the same day signed a lease for their "home". All of that never led me to stop loving him but I could not see how it was humanly possible to ever trust him again and worse I couldn't trust myself to comprehend my own reality. Deciding to try to piece our marriage together was the greatest act of blind faith I have ever undertaken because I truly could not see that there was a path possible much less that we could find it.

Fast forward 12, yes, 12 years. Many, many wonderful memories later, barely a twinge about the OW ever, issues to work out? sure, but we can do it.

One very important thing that I learned was that I won his heart back long before he ended the relationship and I suspect the same is true for you because you guys are already a team! How did I do it? Because I really was his best friend all the way through with all my faults, which I've worked on best as I can, I was more supportive when he lost his job, I worked hard to save our house during a flood, etc, etc and I'm a better cook I bet you are a best friend too and all you really have to do is to keep being his best friend.

So, as a veteran, I'm here to tell you: Every time that OW comes into your mind, send her back to where ever she moved. Every time those bad times come into your mind, send them back to the past, see, they are gone Spend your precious life finding as many creative ways as you can to nurture yourself and express love. And if you get lost or overwhelmed, get over it and forgive yourself as quickly as you can and get back to your real life.

The relabeling of behavior that you are seeing as avoidant, etc is a really good idea too. (Shesh, our Hs really do share some traits.) I try to remember that I love my H's gentleness, that he very seldom picks a fight, he's yelled at me maybe twice in 20 years (as a fellow non yeller, I appreciate that), when the stars are alined just right, I can't imagine how anyone could be sweeter...

I am so thankful for all the feedback and support.
I am anxious to move forward.
At the recommendation of our MC, I am starting some somatic work. I have no idea what this will entail. I met with an IC Friday and we will start in 2 weeks. It's called Somatic Experiencing (SE) and helps with the PTSD. Although I can manage the triggers/intrusive thoughts/falshbacks/nightmares.....the feeling that it is all still happening..... I am exhausted. There isn't a morning I wake up and it's right there or a day that goes by that it's not right there slightly underneath all else. I will let people know how it works. I did Google it. Peter Levine is the founder.