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Moose,

That's exactly what I said to him. I just texted him a little bit ago and told him that I was sorry for being an a** and don't be mad at me too long. He texted back and said "I'll see if I can forgive you".

You're right that my biggest obstacle is getting past that need to talk about it. I just want him to say what he wants one way or the other, but he really doesn't know!!!

Is it OK to say that I wish the OW would fall off the face of the planet? My life would be soooo much easier if she would!!!

Oh man, Confused I am at the exact same spot right now. W told me tonight that she really wants to make a choice to try for us again, but she just doesn't know how or if that's what will make her happy. I know OM has something to do with that (or at least that's what I assume).

This is the hardest part, but all the vets are telling me that I need to detach even more now than I did before. My DB coach keeps saying that detaching is from the R, not the person. So I'm trying to let my W make contact first, and to ALWAYS keep things light and happy, even when I feel like my heart is getting torn from my chest.

And if your OW could drag the OM in my sitch down with her, I wouldn't complain either

You know...I've never heard about detaching in just that way. It really makes sense to me that way! WOW! Talk about being enlightened!!!

I try really hard to make sure that he makes contact with me first and I try to be light and happy, but sometimes that is really hard. Especially since all of our light and happy seems to somehow revolve around sex. It's hard to remove that aspect and still keep everything happy go lucky

I'm trying really hard to GAL too, but it's really hard when he is here everyday and my D has panic attacks if I leave her for too long!!!

What's a girl to do. I'm in that proverbial rock and hard place I guess...lol!

Oh...and maybe we could hook my OW and your OM up so that they could quit making our lives miserable.

Nah, wouldn't want the two of them to be happy! Vindictive, I know, but letting go of anger at my W is one thing, he gets to keep every last bit of the anger I feel towards him.

He knew she was married, knew she was having trouble, and knew that my father was suffering from a life-threatening injury...and he took advantage of her at a moment where she was really depressed. I know she played a part in it too, and so did I, but he used all that to his own ends and has now poisoned my marriage, hopefully not to the point where I can't save it. He doesn't get to be forgiven...not yet.

Sorry to hijack your thread, but man that felt good!

Hijack away! I feel exactly the same way!!! There's a country song and one of the lyrics says "when our love was having a moment of weakness...he was there between us". The thing that gets me is that the OW is married too. They both had marriage problems at the same time...coincidence??

I really appreciate the support. I really needed to talk tonight and I'm so glad that my posts are showing up immediately now so that I can talk!!!

I know! I was so glad to get off full moderation too. Makes this so much easier when you don't have to wait 2 days to get your posts up.

My OM had been through a really messy divorce apparently, which is why W confided in him in the first place. I've tried to get her to see that he manipulated her because he knew EXACTLY what she wanted to hear knowing the situation, but I'm not sure if she believes that or even wants to.

Saw a great quote the other day on one of the other threads, I believe the original post was by 25. I'm paraphrasing, but I think it was "We can't convince our WAS of the consequences of their actions...Life will do that for them."

Can only work on ourselves Confused, and just hope that they'll wake up.

I was just reading through your sitch and I wish that I could do what you have been doing!! I hope that I'll be able to get there. Some days I feel like I'm doing a GREAT job and then things like tonight happen and I think "I'm really just a sham". I try to pretend that the OW doesn't bother me. I try to pretend that him not being here doesn't bother me. I try to pretend alot of things, but in the end it's all a sham. Because it DOES bother me!!!

I don't want to lose my H. I really want to have my nice little family back and I want it right now...dangit I'm a bit of a brat that way I suppose.

What do you do to help you relate so well to your wife? Is it the fact that you see a light at the end of the tunnel? Do you think it would be harder if there was no 3 week time frame?

Well, the 3 week time frame is something I haven't really stuck by. I told her I wouldn't bring us up until she was done with school and I failed multiple times. I told her tonight that her taking a full week away from me needed to happen and I understood that. I just didn't think she'd spend that time with the OM, and I'm still not entirely sure if she did but I will not confront her about that since I can't control it anyway.

I think that I can relate so well because I now know what she went through when I had my EA 3 years ago. Mine NEVER got physical beyond one kiss, but it was a definite emotional attachment, and as I said I don't know if W's EA is a PA or not. So I'm feeling what she did back then...where was he, was he with her, does he think she's prettier than me, is he thinking about her when he's in bed with me. You know, all the fun stuff. I have told W that I am so sorry for what I did, because I now know what she felt...I really never took responsibility for my actions until now, and that's my biggest regret. I've told her that I should've seen what she was going through about a LOT of stuff way before now, but I can't change that. All I can promise is to use it to make myself and the future better.

Of course her response has been "Why should I believe you now?" And I don't have a good answer to that except that the changes I'm making are for myself to be a better person and a better husband. I honestly think that she never really expected me to fight for us based on my earlier actions and words, so now she's a little shocked and that's added to her confusion.

The thing is, she KNOWS that I'm miserable without her, and I'm sure your H knows the same. I've learned in the last few days that reminding them of that probably doesn't do you or I any good. They've got their reasons for wanting to leave, our job is to give them reasons to come back while not beating them over the head with it.

Moose,

I just read the rest of your thread. Snooping is a really BIG problem for me. Sometimes, I just need to know, but you know what? Every single time that I check the phone statement I feel like crap. Every single time I have gone through his phone, I've felt like crap! It drives me crazy not to know, but it hurts me to know. One of the reasons that tonight happened was because I check the phone records and realized that he texted her today before he texted me and it hurt my feelings. I went with what I felt instead of following DB tactics and it blew up in my face.

We talked for a few minutes by text tonight (as I said earlier) and I told him again to not stay mad at me for long. He said "I won't...never really do now do I". Who knows!! I think it's going to be best if I stay out of his "way" this week, but that's how I feel...is it the right thing???