Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife of 6-years is Divorcing Me ...Need Counsel II

I hope you didn't send that reply.

Rest assured, LITB, this will be the only place that message is going to be written.

I wonder, however, if I need to set a boundary NOW, because it seems like she's just counting time spent with our son, rather than how we obtain that time as parents. To me, it seems like she sees my time spent with our son as time given by her permission, rather than as a fair privilege as his father.

I hope we don't have to do custody fights over our child (I hope we never get an actual D) so I don't have a whole lot of knowledge on the topic, but it does seem that you need to have EXTREMELY clear boundaries with her. She seems to have one set of expectations for you and one for herself. I don't know what your custody arrangment is, but I know how violated they can easily become (having come from a D family myself).

It seems pretty clear that she doesn't respect boundaries per that argument a few days ago when your S wanted to show W his digging work. Even if you were a few seconds late (as it would seem), the fact that she doesn't seem to understand the inappropriateness of making her unhappiness known in front of your child is pretty telling. And then for you to have a really good reason as to the tardiness (I mean, what child doesn't want to show his mommy his hard work? Especially at 6yo), and her to still hammer on is a little off-putting. Granted, maybe she had a really hard day, but it's inappropriate for her to do that to you in front of the child.

I would just be very careful about where your boundaries are with W in regards to the kiddo. Given how she acted at the playground, I think you handled yourself well. And I think writing out a nasty letter and not sending it is brilliant too. Keep up the hard work!

Hi dueinMay -- we're not in a custody situation right now. We do have an unofficial parenting plan in place, and my wife and I have been flexible about time spent with our son. My frustration wasn't due to the tardiness, but her disrespect of me. Sure, she's resentful and frustrated, or might've had a bad day, but the point is, I wish she could see how childish and -- from our Christian perspective -- how worldly she's behaving.

Where's that divine slap-in-the-face when she totally needs one right now? Heck, even I do need one right now, because I'm definitely no role model of unconditional love myself either.

I can't wait to have our son spend the night today. Since I didn't see him yesterday per usual, I miss him even more so. We might go choose a bicycle helmet for him; I'm buying a MTB and an iBert child seat (awesome thing) because I think he's at that stage where he'd enjoy riding with me on the street and mild trails around my new neighborhood.

BTW, I'm so excited about my move this weekend.

Alamo,

I posted to you on another one of your threads. There are some 2 x4s here, so get a helmet on. You don't have much time.

First, FWIW, I have 2 family members who divorced and then remarried a few years later. In their apart time,[b] they each grew and evolved into better people, not with the intent to reconcile but to learn from their pain. [/b]But when they reconciled, it really was better the 2nd time around. So yes, It happens.

In the past, you yourself said you were an angry, hot tempered and nasty H to your w in the m. Also, you said you were a habitual liar about many things, including but not limited to your Porn addiction which itself was a destructive force in your m. In one of these threads, you said the lying has continued unabated until a few days ago, or is it still going on, or what? Given that it happens with some frequency even now, do you see why she is moving forward with her plans?

Hey look, I don't want to beat you on the head about this. But I do want to answer your apparent confusion and get you to see how you are repeating destructive behaviors and it's not just about being m now. It's about being the best man you can be. See, For you to lie to her now, is kind of weirdly self sabataging on your end. You claim to really love her and want the m to survive, etc....but you still lie to her. WTH?????

Frankly, She'd be a fool to reconcile with you if she knows you're still lying, and how sincere are you about changing if you continue to lie like that anyhow (and why does it matter that the lies are not about porn? I mean, is that what you feel is important? I'm guessing she dislikes the lying, period. For any reason.) Bottom line, Are you addressing this trait? It's a biggie. Do you get that?

As for your anger and boundaries..soo, NOT THE SAME. Boundaries are by definition healthy things. Showing your anger, in your situation will only fuel her fire. Why do that?[b] You're supposed to be countering her negatives with your new behavior.[/b] So If she says you are quick tempered, be slow to anger. This isn't easy, but it's not complicated.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Her 30 seconds of being mildly rude (I mean, she didn't cuss you out or yell) to you is Not a big deal. As the w of an MD, I'm betting she was exhausted, mentally and physically. Whatever you can do to make her life easier is what she wants/needs, and when you are not around and her life gets harder b/c you are not present in it, is actually a good thing.

Sure, she was somewhat rude to you at the playground. She might not apologize for it but IF she recalls it (and trust me, she might not) she knows it wasn't right, and the fact that you didn't lose your cool in the face of her being annoying, is a good thing. Count it as a positive, and don't focus on how you could have shown your anger to her. She already knows that side of you. Plus your son said you are scary, that's a really big flag. Learn from that, big time. I mean, he's only 3 and he knows you have a temper. Yikes. She's the one with the relentlessly hideous hours, not you. The last thing you need to do is "be clear" about your anger. That's not to say be a doormat but she doesn't sound like someone who would mistreat you over time, at least when she's clear headed.

Frankly she sounds like she's trying hard to be as reasonable as any woman can be, given that she feels you betrayed & humiliated her, routinely, for years. Plus, you went public with a bunch of this and that was way out of line. I know you regret it, and apologized but did you try to Imagine how you'd feel if she'd told your friends what you did to make her want the divorce...??
As I said in the post on one of your other threads, being the best father you can be now, is the single biggest thing you can do to soften your w's heart. It's not the reason to be the best father you can be, but there's simply no way it doesn't matter to her. It does.

As for not hiring a L, did you change your mind and hire one? Frankly, I'm bewildered by that choice. You have a son she may remove from the state. You can prevent that. California is a big enough state for her to find a residency slot somewhere closer than another state. If she has to change her specialty for her son, so be it. At least hire a L to review your custody arrangement. I'm a L so I'm biased.

To me, not having a L for this type of issue, ie YOUR ONLY CHILD and knowing your wife may move far away, is NOT something i'd try saving money on, to say the least. In the long run, you'll save time and energy and the R you have with your son, (and maybe even the M), by hiring someone who can help you stay connected with your son. IMO. No one will think you're a jerk and being acrimonious b/c you want to protect your R with your son.

In fact, I'd want to know that someday i could tell my child that I fought hard to be with him as much as possible. Instead, if you hire no one to protect your parental rights, you'll be able to say "Oh I didn't want to make waves with w, b/c I'm conflict avoidant, and I wanted to save money for something...more important than time with you"....OUCH. See my point?

How's your work situation now? Are you making decent money? Whatever happens, you want to be able to bring something to the table as a man. Not just someone with all his needs for her to meet=she meets her patients needs all day and all night...she's exhausted.

So as you meet "her" need for a co-parent, you may eventually be seen as as a potential asset in her life, a positive. That is crucial. You don't want her to roll her eyes and sigh when she sees your name on caller ID.

Be someone she can count on to help with your son, a pleasant person to speak with or at least not be uncomfortable with and continue to be someone with common history.[b] In time, the good memories from the marriage will resurface in her. Some already have and she is grieving. /b]

But you can't keep challenging her decisions b/c that makes her defend them. She hasn't had time to listen to that inner voice, b/c you've been pursuing her.

And It's setting yourself up for failure. She had legit reasons for leaving the M and even you admit that. So THAT m had to end. The question is whether you two can ever had another type of m.

I think you can, if you show her that you are the new improved version of who she hoped and thought you were. If you are, then she's not going to want to have to start all over with someone new, esp with her self image issues. But this takes way more time than you've given DBing. Like I said,
Real Change + Sufficient Time = her trusting the changes are real, and not merely tactics to get her back so she can be hurt again.

Also, is there a chance you can move to where she gets her residency slot? If so, make it clear you are only pursuing time with your son and not moving in pursuit of her. She needs space from you. And the more time apart, in a way, makes it easier to notice changes in you than daily contact allows. Wear new clothes and new cologne, maybe get a hair cut and are you working out and taking care of your body? That's also a big factor for women. We like knowing our h's can open the pickle jar and doesn't let himself go too much. What are the GAL things you are doing? I didn't see them on this thread but may have missed them.
good luck,
j

Thank you for dropping in and the 2x4s! I don't remember where I said the lying has continued. I think I was referring to my wife saying I was still lying, based on how she read my face (long story). I've been off porn since she left in June last year and it's been great. I realized very early on that my lying, the quickness of my frustration/temper/etc, and the need use them just stopped when I went cold turkey with my addiction.



The two main reasons my wife told me she was done is (a) Porn, and (b) Lying. But those reasons have disappeared or gone into hiding, because in the past few months, she talks more about how I leached off her money and that I was physical with her like her father did to her mom. I can see why her initial reasons have taken a backseat, though. She's out of the house, out of the relationship -- there's really no need or reason for her to worry or care about those things.


Agreed. My anger gets the better of my judgement, and having porn and all the negative traits related with that off my shoulders has allowed me to react more calmly to all situations now, especially with our son. The day of the incident I was angry and venting here (and other forums), because I was not being loving enough that day. The thing is she was on a very easy rotation that week, and it's always odd to me that she treats me more crappy on her easy weeks, but is super nice when she's on her busy ones. Anyway, I help her out whenever I can, because I've been in her medical education since the beginning and know how important it is for her (even if it was, many times, at the expense of family, church and friends).



When he said it, it really hurt and woke me up. I have been extra cautious ever since, not that I was angry to him or around him, but never hurts to be careful, right? I am sterner than my wife when it comes to discipline. But it's interesting how she was the one who had to give him his first spanking last week at her house because he was disrespecting her big time. It's happened once or twice at daycare, but I've never experienced that with him or had to resort to anything more than a timeout probably once a week, if at all.


I was doing a lot of the desperate pleading here earlier in the day. Ever since I've kept it within my support group -- my family, church, forums. I have kept it low key on FB, except for the day I went to court to file my response papers; I was really down that day.



I just got hired in March. I'm still recovering from being without work for 7 months. As yet, I still can't afford the consultation fee on a frequent basis, let alone hire a lawyer. To top that off, my wife, in her petition, wants me to pay her lawyer's fees as well, so aye, I'm saving money, only because I don't have much at all in the coffer.



That's why it has been crucial for me to back off and act as-if. Since Christmas I have really cut off my need to confront her, or talk her out of things or the like. There were some backsliding, but mostly I try to keep to the plan.


I've told her I would, for the sake of our son. She's not going to be an MD, but a DO, so her residency options are different. She has probably one here in NorCal, some in the South/Mid-West and some in the East Coast, so the likelihood of her moving across the country is higher. But you never know.


GALs
1. Regain my original athletic physique
2. Resume my hobbies I gave up after marriage, e.g. mountain biking.
3. Buy new clothes with new styles and colors (never like to buy or coordinate properly before)
4. Eat and live off natural/organic foods.
5. Resume my relationship with God and my church family.
6. Make friends.
7. Live life to the fullest.
8. EXCEL AT WORK, and have goals. Porn turns all these off.
9. Did I miss anything?

UPDATE 5:58pm 6/28

Well, my wife comes as usual to fetch our son. In the midst of it, my wife asks if I have the address to my new place. (It's funny how I actually thought about the same thing today and wrote it on a piece of paper for her.) As I handed it to her, she asked if I was moving to somewhere else in Vallejo. I said, no, Benicia (which is the same town she's in). She immediately turned pale, then asked how far away am I. I told her, 10-minutes tops; Benicia isn't THAT big. As she got into her car she was quite obviously shaken.

If y'all recall her paranoia/privacy issue awhile back, well, either she has put that at the forefront of her already convoluted mind, or her formerly-divorced best friend has been indoctrinating my wife about her experience with HER ex-husband. Whatever the reason, I decided on this town because it's NOT Vallejo (low police presence, higher crime, iffy neighborhoods), in other words, it's better, safer and quieter for myself and our son. In this situation, I find it hard to do the opposite (i.e. not move out of Vallejo) of validating my wife's fears and easing her mind.

It's moving day for me tomorrow...excited about the new place, dreading the move/unpacking!

UPDATE 6PM

Remember my wife being all shaken up yesterday (read previous post)? Well, she was super pleasant today. While she was strapping our son in the her (cough, cough) Equinox, we started chatting about the royal wedding. I brought up the interesting hat choices for the Beckhams, and she told me I should've seen one of the other princesses who had a huge pink hat. It was a light, casual conversation. Then she told me how she loved Kate's wedding dress, how simple and elegant it was, yet classy. She said it made her cry watching the her walking down the aisle in her dress. It made me a little sad, because I know part of her misses that (probably). Still, I smiled and said bye. I smiled some more after they left, because I have great memories of my wife being a hopeless romantic -- weddings and things of this sort make her heart flutter.

If her mood is good tomorrow, maybe I'll ask her if she'd like for our son and I to take her out for a meal on Mother's Day.

Hi dueinMay -- we're not in a custody situation right now. We do have an unofficial parenting plan in place, and my wife and I have been flexible about time spent with our son. My frustration wasn't due to the tardiness, but her disrespect of me. Sure, she's resentful and frustrated, or might've had a bad day, but the point is, I wish she could see how childish and -- from our Christian perspective -- how worldly she's behaving.

Where's that divine slap-in-the-face when she totally needs one right now? Heck, even I do need one right now, because I'm definitely no role model of unconditional love myself either. [/quote]

Wow...Do you see what you are projecting here? She had reasons for leaving. Granted, YOU Say all those tiny little flaws (like porn, and lying, which btw, are not Christian, last time I looked. Does she throw that in your face or ask for a divine slap in the face? I bet not.)

I know you say your flaws are all gone now (???) and now you are kind and gentle and you're a great catch, etc. But that post shows you still judge her, critically, you sound punitive, angry, vindictive, and though you pay lip service to your own flaws ("I'm no role model...") I am not certain you really get that. If you did, you wouldn't even bother thinking or writing this way. You'd stop yourself and remove the plank in your eye...

Look your tone and approach are simply not conciliatory. The one sentence you could have used fairly was that you had made child visits off the schedule to accomodate her schedule, and those changes were not made at your request.

You could gently but firmly say that, once. But affirm that you are glad to keep things flexible b/c the goal is the kids being with BOTH parents as much as possible. The time is not hers to give, I agree. But she hasn't said it was, actually. And do you want to make a point, or do you want to make progress?

Also, you are doing a ton of mind reading and hyper analyzing between the lines, etc. As if a small thing repeated or forgotten by her, means she's really losing it or is so "MLC" ish. From your posts, I have not seen terribly odd behavior on her end. I mean, comparatively speaking. She's left a marriage for OM and like 80% of WAWs, sometimes she has 2nd thoughts, probably. And she wants to do this with as little "mess" as possible.

Maritally, She may wonder if you are really different now, and if so, if you really are the man she always wanted you to be, she wonders if she's wrong to leave. So she tells herself your changes are not real or lasting, so she can stay on the div track she has in front of her. Do you want to validate that track, or derail it?

I think the most you can do is prove over time, you are the best version of you. At one time in her life, that man was who she wanted to spend her life with AND that man was the man she had a child with. [b]Wouldn't it be great if she could trust that man to be that way for real? [/b] Don't you wonder what would happen down the road?

Anyhow, I don't see the big bad deal if she asks if you are working but gee, she "should have known". Big deal. It's not time for a CAT scan. She's probably trying to have safe communication with you by asking neutral questions. OR she is distracted, but so what?

Don't mind read (it's always seems negative when you do) or put all her words under the "judgemental" microscope and make her seem wacky. I don't see that. If you'd seen some of the behaviors of people who really do get crazy, you'd know she's being as "kind" as she can be, given the givens.

I know you think it's unfair and wrong and all that. But what I'm telling you is 1) that attitude does NOT help you and 2) in HER mind, you were unfair and wrong, over time and in her mind and heart, you caused this.
It seems to me that anger is easier for you than grief and remorse. Is that possible? IF so, maybe you can work on forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made in the m and you may find you're not so critical of her after that. Forgive you and then in time you'll be able to forgive her.???

While I'm not agreeing with her for leaving or having the A, I am saying, to her,she may feel you pushed her into the arms of OM b/c if you'd treated her better, she would not have left. To her, you had multiple chances.

We've been over this, and I don't want to repeat it. Maybe you can re-read the LONG post I wrote to you already. But I see SOME of the old you in these notes where you are simply whining and criticizing her for small stuff or for no stuff and you skim over your "tiny" part in the whole situation. Next time you want to criticize her, think about how you guys got here in the first place.

You are right, you were no role model of Christian or unconditional love. So why not try to be now?

BTW, who is the OM? Does she work with him?