Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

This is my first post on the DB forum, I just finished the book. Six weeks ago, my loving partner of 19 ½ years told me he didn’t love me “enough” anymore and he wanted to take the chance that he would be happier without me than with me. There was no drama or fighting leading up to this revelation – it was a complete and utter shock. He said we would take the separation slowly and always remain best friends. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Then, three weeks ago, the other shoe fell. Just as I was adjusting to the news that he had fallen out of love with me (while still questioning the seriousness of his intention to call it quits), I woke up to find him crying one morning. He admitted that a few days after ending our relationship, he “freaked out about the prospect of life alone” and met a woman on an online dating site. Within a matter of a couple of weeks (he claims) they fell in love. He went on and on about their “phenomenal” conversations and how, although he was wracked with guilt, he couldn’t let the opportunity of finding true love pass him by. Would I give him permission to pursue the relationship although he was still living in our home and even sleeping in our bed?!!!

I don’t know how or why, but a calm came over me. I said, “go for it, but no speaking to her in front of me, no sleeping in my bed, and no having her in our home EVER.” What other choice did I have? For three and half weeks since that date, I have been suicidal – literally suicidal. He has purchased a new home and plans to move out in a month, he has also been staying many nights in a tiny rental apartment we own, so I rarely see him. Today I got the Divorce Busters book and read it cover to cover. I realize that the only chance I have to regain my dignity (and possibly my relationship with the man I cherish) is to do the 180/Last Resort technique.

Today also happened to be one of the few days I’ve seen him recently. I had to pick him up at work because we are still sharing a car and I had an appointment I couldn’t miss. He noticed that something was different with me. I told him that I planned to move on as quickly as possible, that he no longer needed to come home out of “guilt” and worry for me every few days so as soon as we got home, he could leave and go back to his apartment for the night. He said, “Does this mean you don’t love me anymore??” I said, “I loved the man I knew, not the man you are now. Having you in my life like this isn’t working for me.” His mood became more attentive to me, he was joking and light-hearted on the drive home. I thought, “Perhaps this is working!” He even asked if I was angry when I crossed my arms in the car.

I was wrong to be hopeful – the 180 had the completely opposite result of what I first thought. As we arrived home, his new girlfriend called his cell phone and he had the GULL to take the call in front of me for the first time. I heard him reassuring her that it was “okay,” and that I was “fine” with them being together. I just calmly made my dinner. He told his new girlfriend that he loved her and would talk to her later, and then he walked out my door. I was shaking and couldn’t even look at him or say anything.

My first opportunity of using the 180/Last Resort failed miserably. Now I don’t even have the sanctity of my home or the peace of mind that he recognizes that he is behaving in a despicable, sub-human manner. The 180 gave him permission to TALK IN FRONT OF ME, in our home! It was exactly the opposite result that I thought I had achieved.

Please someone, anyone, comfort me and explain what alien has entered the body of the man I love and convinced him to behave so monstrously!!!

^

First things first. I understand how hurt and how bad you feel it is normalBut if you have letterally felt suicidal, you need to go talk to somebody ASAP and maybe get on some ADs to help you through this difficult time.

Trust me, I know how devasting this is for you.
It's a living he!!

I don't know what causes a spouse to hurt the one they committed their life to as if that never mattered. But your right, he is not the person you married right now. I can't imagine what is going through his head that made him think it was ok to talk to her in front of you. Absolute craziness.

I wish I had some great advice to give you. I struggle everyday myself. But, you will get some great advice here.

And maybe you should let him know that you are not alright with his decision to have an A. From your post, it seemed like your H was concerned about how you felt about him and his decision. Maybe go dark. It is hard. Give it a little time and see what happens. JMO.

Thanks so much for letting me know that my perceptions of his cruelty are correct - his behavior is off-the-charts insensitive. For 19 1/2 years he was close to perfect...but his personality has changed dramatically and so quickly that one friend only half-jokingly suggested it as if he has a brain tumor or a multiple personality.

Today I saw my family doctor for a referral to a therapist and medication for myself. My mother is with me as often as she can be for support and to keep me safe. Although it has been several weeks, I still feel as if I am in a nightmare that I will eventually wake up from, but every morning the hurting just starts over again.

I need to be strong. The DB techniques are the only thing I can hang on to right now. He is coming over on Sunday (maybe) to pick up some papers. I plan to look busy and not interact. That is the closest I can manage to the 180/LRT. He is dismantling our entire life as quickly as he can. It is agonizing. I always thought this man was my soul mate.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. You are in a very good place and you will find a lot of good help and caring people here.
I agree with islander, if you are literally feeling suicidal, please, please get some help ASAP!
I think a lot of us agree - it's impossible to tell what's going through the head of a WAS. Your H is not thinking rationally right now. Keep working the 180s and LRT and give it some more time. Work on GAL - if you can get this going it will help tremendously!

AA35,

So sorry that you find yourself in this position, but each and everyone of us here knows how you are feeling right now.

A few things stand out from your post that I think need to be expanded on

You mention yor 'partner' not Husband. Are you married?

Your username AA35, is that your age? if so that would mean you have been together since you were 16. It may go someway to explain ( but not justify ) why your partner feels the urge to get out there & dip his toe in the water again.

What, if any, discussions have you had since the break-up about why he has come to this decision?

Have you suggested MC to him?

Are you sure that the OW only came on the scene after his decision to leave?

As hard as this is for you now, it has only been a few weeks since all this began. Your partner is still in the 'euphoric' stage of his new life. As time goes on and reality starts to kick-in, his attitude to his new life will change and what you do from now on will have a bearing on this.
The best advice is stick with the book, look for what works, stop doing what doesn't & keep posting. Everyone is here to help

FF999

Please do not think suicide is the answer. It never is.
It's such a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I know your hurting, I know it kills you inside. We ALL understand that feeling here.

If you were to end your life, think of all the people you would be leaving behind. People who love and care about you. I care about you enough to not let something like this end your life and I don't even know you.
So please, get some help ASAP if you truly feel that way.

You have to remember that the 180's are for you, not for him. I can't believe he had the nerve to speak to the OW in front of you. I would tell him not to do that again. He doesn't need to pour salt into the wound.

Do you know, is this OW close by or is she in another state?

Of course he thinks he is in love. We are all head over heels in love when we think we've met "the one" but you and I both know that the euphoric state does not last. And when that wears off...then what?

Keep your head held high, and keep posting. Sometimes posts take a while to show up when your being moderated but don't get discouraged. I think that is the mods way of weeding out the trolls.

AA35-

Welcome to divorcebusting.com--officially. I am sorry you are finding yourself in the position that lead you here, but I'm glad you found us. This is a very caring community and many of us have developed a good deal of the divorcebusting skillset and can help you do the same.

The Last Resort Technique IS probably what you should be using, however it takes awhile to be fully affective, especially if you are a typical woman dealing with a typical man who has started an affair. It make take him 8-12 weeks to begin to feel the affect and feel some shock, and the affair may buffer him from this a bit. It is STILL what you should try first, and you seem to have been a bit effective at the beginning, even though it doesn't feel that way to you.

This is your chance to do a few things that will make your life better:

1) GAL--Get a Life--aka MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY -- you are worth it, and he's not going to do it -- AND you will be able to turn his head when YOU come off happier than he does. It's not finding another man that will be likely to make him jealous, it's being happier than him that will make him jealous. Like it may have been the best thing to happen to you. Don't tell him it was. Just look happy.

If he asks, be nonchalant. If he asks if you want a divorce, you say no. If he asks if you want him back, you're not sure. Maybe.

2) Be mysterious. Not sneaky, just not predictable. What can he just be sure you are going to do or say that just irritates him or bores him to death. Again, nonchalant and vague if he asks. Not weird vague, just noncommittal vague.

3)When you feel like freaking out--be careful who you freak out and complain with. Freak out here. Don't complain to people who are going to complain with you and take your side too much--that gets in the way of you getting back together.


ABOVE ALL--
Take care of yourself. You're worth it. You deserve it. It makes you more attractive.

If you feel desperate, get help immediately.

crisis hotline


One last thought--this will probably peter out. A good deal of folks who hit a midlife crisis (MLC) and affairs snap out of it in 6m/2 yrs. That may or may not be comforting to you, but it IS doable, and marriages come through this, many of them stronger than before.

We are here to walk with you and help you.

Foo Fighter,

Yes, I was 16 when we got together and he was 24. We never married or had kids but lived together for 18 years happily - I thought. A few months before dropping the bomb he said that we were happier than most married people he knew.

I did suggest MC - he refused. He said there was nothing I did wrong, so nothing to work on or that could be changed.

I don't know when the OW came into the picture - except I have to trust that it was as he said...someone he met on the internet after he told me he didn't love me anymore.

Our discussions about the break up have been minimal - he says that he must of lost feelings for me a long time ago (though it never seemed it to me and he said he never reflected on it or noticed it). He says it is 'better' for me to be with someone who truly loves me. He can't give any specifics and if I push for any, he totally shuts down.