M: 99 out of 100 times you would of asked that and the answer would have been yes. You know that. How many times did I not want to do it and you would talk me down. You always said it was fine don't say anything, I took you for your word and I did nothing.
W: Yeah but I did not want you to resentment later for it. How do I tell your mom to leave without you resenting me?
Hopefully I am reading this correctly, the whole situation with your mom is slightly confusing to me. IMHO... (correct me if I am wrong on any of this) ...
This is classic "this is not what I mean but I expect you to figure out exactly what I want" stuff.
She wanted something, but only hinted at it and never came out and straight up said it. She did not want to be "the one that wanted her gone". She expected you to make the decision. The reason she always talked you down was because she didnt want to have to be the one to carry that burden.
Just like when you can tell someone is hurting and you say "what's wrong?" and the person replies "nothing". Their words say one thing, but they mean the opposite.
Sometimes our W expects us to be decisive and do things that are in the best interests of the R, even though they may say exactly the opposite.
I suggest if the topic comes up again you approach it as follows:
"Ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone said. I should have known having someone else living in the house would impact our family negatively and taken care of it. I wont be making that mistake ever again."
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
As always 2step, beautiful work. I think you have her more confused than ever and that is not a bad thing. She still has some anger toward you, but she seems conflicted about it. I think she just likes hearing you say you are sorry. Maybe that didn't happen enough in the past and she is catching up. Either way, she seems like she wants to keep you on the line. Her reactions are very different from that of my wife. She continues to have conflict with the past. She continues to ask what do you want from her. That is also good. She wants and needs to continue to hear you say that you want it to work. I think, in a way, she continues to make you say the same stuff over and over again because she is trying to make up her own mind. I read each and every one of your posts. She continues to bait the sitch so that you have to say the same things over and over again. Nothing wrong with that.
My wife on the other hand just gets pissed and shuts down when talk of the past comes up. Anytime I have tried to apologize for the past she just says, "Why do we have to talk about this? What's done is done. I didn't come here to talk about the past, I came here to discuss the logistics of the D and be done." See the difference in the talks you are having versus the ones I am having.
Hang in there, buddy. Yes, you still have a long way to go. You are attempting to reel in a fish that is on the line five or six states away. You are going to have to reel very slowly and very deliberately or this one will get away.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Drove to her place. She got ready and decided to go out to eat. We drove around looking at different places and ended up at the restaurant I proposed. This was no accident
W: Very Clever
M: They have good steaks
W: Yeah I am sure.
M: So if I propose again you would say no?
W: LOL You might get a different answer than the first time.
M: I better not then lol
Dinner came out and we made some small pleasant talk. Told her about my weekend and she told me about hers. Then she began to cry
M: What's wrong?
W: It is just that seeing you is exhausting. You want me to say I want to try again or I want to go home and start fresh. I just don't feel like saying no anymore because it hurts. I am not where you are in this. I am not as sure. What if we go back to the same thing.
M: You say how can we make it. I say how can we not.
W: Yeah I know you are the optimist and I am the pesimist.
M: Look clearly you are upset. This was not my intention and I really don't want to talk about this anymore. I get tired of it also. Let's pay the check and I will take you home.
We walked out to the car and before we got to the car she said
W: Well let's go for a walk let's not leave yet
M: Ok
we walked around and found a park bench and sat down.
W: You know I am not happy I don't see how it could work. I thought love was enough I accepted you for who you were but you did not accept me for who I was
M: I accept you for who you are always have and always will. I am here for the woman not for the Marriage. I am here for who you are.
We spoke for a few minutes on the park bench but I really can't remember the convo to well. We had been invited to go for some drinks with some mutual friends we have. She told she did not feel like going. I drove her home I drove slowly we held hands then i put her head on my shoulder as we drove.
M: Never been happier to drive so slowly
She smiled but we drove the 20 minutes to her house this way.
We pulled up to the apartment and she asked if I wanted to come up. I said sure. We made small talk and i asked her if she wanted to watch the movie Tangled. She said yes
She turned the tv on and it had captions
W: sorry it has the captions but i don't know how to turn them off
M: Let me see the remote
I fixed it in like 2 seconds
W: How did you do that?
M: I guess you'll have to invite me back and i will tell you
W: LOL I figure it out
We sat on the couch and she threw her legs on top of mine. We watched the movie and somewhere along the way we ended up holding each other she laid across my chest and I rubbed her hair. She began to cry
M: What's wrong?
W: Why couldn't u just be nice? I just wanted you to be nice.
M: I am sorry W I never meant to hurt you. I would spend my life making it right. Somebody ask me if I was willing to walk through hell with a pair of gasoline shorts on. I said yes without hesitation. I am and in a way I feel like I have. I never meant to hurt you.
W: That is the part that scares me. I know you did not mean to but that makes it worse that you could be so mean with such little effort. I am not a mean person H. Sometimes you were just mean to me.
M: I know I was. I was mad. i was frustrated and I did not know what to do. I took out my frustration out on you, but not because i did not love you, but because I felt the safest with you. I felt the most secure with you and I lashed out at you. In doing so I hurt the person i trusted the most and I am sorry.
We went back to the movie and even laughed in a few moments. I laid on the couch she laid in my arms. I kissed her she kissed me then she pulled away but stayed in my arms.
We talked a little more about the movie. After the movie we talked some more.
W: What is on your mind.
M: I am thinking how I want to hold you and kiss you right now because I don't know that i will ever get another chance
W: And you say I am dramatic
M: I pulled her in
W: you always get what you want.
M: Well not always
W: No not always I guess
M: Marry Me
W: LOL No
M: I could stay and extra day and we can go down to the courthouse and reverse this whole thing
W: LOL Stop.
We sat back down and she was heavy into thought
M: What's on your mind?
W: I am scared H
M: Of what
She would not say
M: Would you like me to go first.
W: Yes
M: I am scared of losing you. I am scared of getting you back. I am scared if I do I will fail you again. I am scared of not having another chance. I am scared of what I have done to you, but most of all I am scared of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my life the way i feel when I am with you.
W: I have a lot of those feelings also. Scared of how my life will turn out. If I am going to make it. if I've made the right decision. I am just scared.
M: We can make it if we want to.
W: I am not where you are at.
We talked a little more.
M: How about we jump in bed as a goodbye gift then
W: LOL no
M: It's been a long time
W: I dont think that is a good idea
M: Why not
W: Because I think it would open up too many wounds
M: For you or me lol
W: For both
M: Oh I am good don't worry about me
W: LOL ok then just for me.
We made some more small talk.
M: I leave tomorrow knowing three things. 1. I fought to the end with everything I have. 2. I will always love you. 3. I know to my dying day we could have made it.
W: I just don't know. I made a decision and I just can't go back on that. I just deal with my emotions and bottle them up inside. I don't cry unless you are here. Most people think I am just fine but I have guilt I have regret. I deal with those feeling a lot. I fought also. You read books about hope and self improvement and all that If I show you a book you promise not to get mad?
M: Sure
It was a book called when your R ends.
W: It talks about how when a R ends is like a death and all the feeling you go through but don't worry I only read the intro. I have not really read it.
M: Yeah i have seen this book.
I stood up pulled out $11 dollars from my pocket and put it on the table.
M: I need a pen a paper please
W: OK
M: Here is a name of a book I would like for you to read. Would you read it?
W: Yes
M: I checked with the local book store they have 6 copies it is 9.99 so I am even including the tax. Promise you will read it?
W: I promise.
M: The Book is called The 5 Love Languages. It is the book we read over the phone. Easy to read and you can prob read it in a few days.
W: Over the phone it is hard to really get the meaning of it
M: I asked you Thursday if you would talk to Jody. You said yes. Will you?
W: Yes
M: Remember I can only get the sessions in 3 so you have to agree for three.
W: OK. I can do that. I just don't want to give you false hope H. I dont want to leave you in limbo
M: I am leaving here and I am living my life. I would like for it to be with you but if it is not Jody will help you understand some of the things you are feeling. If you want you can do all three by yourself or you can do two and the third we can do together.
W: Ok. I will call her.
M: Ok when I get back to Jersey i will call you with all the info.
Talked a few more minutes and then hugged and kissed goodbye. My final words
M: You'll see me before you know it
W: thanks for the warning this time.
that is it. Tonight I am calling her to give her the info for Jody. If she calls great. If she does not then that's ok also. If she buys the book gret if she does not then I hope she uses the 11 bucks for lunch or gas.
By the way I know that the sex question was out of line but hey what is the worse she can do. Divorce me. Oops! Too late! I had to ask I has been 5 months
I think you missed your calling as a story teller.
One thing that does stand out to me, she continues to say "I'm not where you are". Probably because she isn't!
I know your D now, so there is no busting, you are now courting the women that you love. I think you did great, but now she has to let all this sink in for a bit. Hopefully she calls Jody, and hopefully she reads the book. Both could really help her.
Just remember how far ahead of her you are. Don't push too hard, she needs time to catch up.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
She is willing to read the 5LL and do 3 sessions with Jody. She could have easily said, no thank you. I know she hasn't done either yet, but things are at least moving along in a positive direction.
You posted this about my W in one of my threads.
Originally Posted By: 2stepboogie
She is crying because she is hurting, you don't hurt for people you don't care about. How many tears did you shed for the dead in Japan?
As CS said, she has a lot of catching up to do. She is processing everything in the sitch and how things have played out thus far. Her life isn't a bed of roses now that the D is final and she still finds herself unhappy.
I feel like you are doing the right thing by moving on with your life as if XW is no longer part of it. This might be the time (on her time) that she realizes that 2step is the best option for her. That's my hope for you anyway. If not, you will still have a great life.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
2step, How can she not KNOW that you are the right option?
Now we have only seen the positive 2 step, the one that is kind,smart and patient.
I dont know what you were like before but although people are capable of change, I cant see that you were a total pr1ck in the marriage but I guess one never knows.
Like everybody is saying, I dont think you are too bad off. There is no OM and she questions her decision big time.
Just a matter of time 2 IMO.
Stay the course dude.
One thing. She KNOWS for sure you want her back obviously. Maybe stay away from talk about remarrying, even in jest the way you say it. I think she wants you to honor her decision to D because it was a huge decision. Let her have her D but start with a new R. One were marriage isnt in the equation.
Maybe you never Marry her again but you stay together outside the legal paperwork.
Just food for thought.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
You are spending a lot of time telling her how much you love and want her. I would suggest easing up on this. It is doing nothing to convince her of her feelings for you. ie. she already knows, you don't need to keep reminding her. I feel it is too much pressure.
I suggest you focus more on being a strong and positive person in her presence, cut back on the R talk a little so you don't seem quite as needy. Don't get me wrong, a good percentage of your conversation is right on target, but you tend to drift back into sections of "I can convince her".
I would suggest not asking her to re-marry, not even as a joke. Let her come to that conclusion later if that is where things go.
Asking for sex also. Now you probably think I am gonna 2x4 you for going there. No, I am not, at least not for wanting it, just the way you are going about it. Asking for sex is needy and desperate. Not at all attractive, and setting yourself up for rejection. I have resolved never to do this in my M, and it has improved things a lot. I suggest you take a more confident approach and just escalate when you are close and/or kissing. Tease her a bit and joke about it. Whatever you do, just don't ask her for it.
She may still reject your advances, but the #1 most critical thing is you dont let it phase you. Shrug it off, remain positive. Tease her a little and laugh about it.
Strong and positive in her presence no matter what.
Pulling for ya bud.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
