Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Unwavering hostility

It is kind of funny isn't it? The way they portray themselves the hero/heroine? "I never loved you" <swoon>. I once got told that she was leaving because of the way I was with the kids. Not long after that, she said it was her fault. Then in a fit of rage, said she would have left already if we didn't have the kids. Huh? That was back in the dark ages when I thought I could make sense of this. Before I realized it was a mid life transition of sorts....and my crisis. LOL.
Never rid of them? Yuck. I don't know that I mind too much though. I can manage it. She said she wanted to be friends once. She tried to lessen the burden of guilt by offering to fund a business for me and similar things. (huh?) She told me once she is not a "bad" person. Hmm...
Heck, who am I to judge I suppose. But at the same time I am not a masochist. Neither am I vindictive. That's simply not who I am or will be. Plain as that.
So, what to do? Personally, I can minimize the impact she can have. Does it require work? Yes. Did she once say she wanted to be friends? Yes. Did she show otherwise? Absolutely. Many times. What to learn from that? Don't trust her. Still if ever.
I know damn well I don't deserve what I got. Ok, life isn't fair. But life is good. For one thing, I do NOT have to live with that nut job. Do I care for her? Sure. But I do NOT want anything to do with her for now. One day if she drops the rage towards me, maybe. But I can't think why.
One thing I've noticed is they seem to bury the feelings they have for LBS so deep they get really lost. But I do know that if you bury feelings alive, they have a habit of rising later...
I don't envy her that. I get to deal with my feelings now. I have a chance to be completely free of her. Of course I'll have to deal with her due to the kids from time to time. Not what I mean. I have the opportunity to be completely free of her and each day I get to take another step in that direction...
Life is good.
AJ

AJ,
Yes, life is good. Just be thankful you are not in her head! Can you just imagine the confusion and mess!

AJM,

I could not have said it better. I feel exactly the same. You get to the point of protecting yourself and refusing to go back to the chaos. It took me a long time, I guess I was a slow learner. I will never again get trapped in his web....

I think that you can be rid of them in one sense - they may pop up like rabbits dazzled by headlights from time to time, but they lose the power to upset and destablize us. We give them that power, by loving them and by not really fully believing this has happened, and it is permanent. A bit of me went on thinking that my 'real' h was still there. A bit of me refused to believe he would actually do all those stupid and cruel things and if he did, he would feel remorse and try and make amends.

Now I know he has become another person, one I do not care to know anymore. It is heartbreakingly sad and simultaneously liberating. His lies and his attempts to derail me will never work again. It is his choice. I can accept that the early stages of MLC they are acting out of control, but several years down the line it is a choice not to deal with the hurt pain and damage that they feel and have externalised onto others. People they should respect and protect even if they have 'fallen out of love' with them.

Mine has said the weirdest things too about 'being friends' but as I pointed out friends don't do this kind of stuff, and not say sorry. And if they do say sorry, they do not act it. MLCers have a very tenuous connection with truth and reality in my experience. Friends do not trash everything that is important to another group of people and then say 'What I did wasn't too bad'.

In addition to being a hero my xh also plays the victim. According to him, I am responsible for his non relationship with his children because I was upset when he left. If, so his 'logic' ran' I hadn't been upset, the children would not have minded, and would have embraced his new life and OW. I should point out my children are all adult, and my youngest told me that if I had appeared to care as little about anyone else as his father it would have completely destablised him. It is their callousness and cruelty [as well as a lot of mean and selfish actions and continuing hostility to me] that is the reason for their non-relationship, but hey, easier to blame me.

The best bit, though, when we last spoke [nearly a year ago now, except when he invited me out to lunch on the day of the divorce [you can't make this sort of stuff up, even my lawyer was astonished, given his unwavering hostility during the couple of years the divorce dragged on] is that I am responsibile for the falure of his r with OW. Never mind they are still together. because I went on loving him, it interfered with his developing a committed relationship with her, and although he admits [sometimes, though not in court] that they are together, it isn't 'going anywhere'. I am gutted, I really am . . . .

Thanks for visiting my thread, Beatrice. It helps when I get feedback; helps me not just over-react.

I cannot imagine how you manage to deal with your sitch. At least, my H is generous, will chat, and is kinda like a weird family member who supports me. Like a close cousin. Haha!

Yeah, I wondered about the friendship part too ... I think I can be with my H to a point, but yours sure seems to have fallen into another body that is unrecognizable to you.

Your H seems to have turned into an illogical fool. I guess, as long as it makes sense to him, then it must be true. What would it matter how you feel about him? (There must still be feeling for you deep down.) He told himself it didn't matter when he left for the OW. These WAS/MLCers don't realise that the common denominator in all future relationships is them and their baggage. If they don't sort it out ... all other R's will falter, and probably fail.

Which is why working on yourself in DBing is more important than actually winning back the WAS. You don't want to mess up any other future R's.

Take care.

Do you know, in some ways his hostility makes it easier. If he was nice, I would find it even more inexplicable. I see clearly he isn't who he was. Mila and others have posted how awful their h's look, Mine too. Looks terrible, and is miserable.

I think in my case, deep down he knows he has been a total fool, and cannot sort it out, and he is angry with himself, and projects it onto me. He was angry with the kids, and now he isn't. but he won't do the necessary to rebuld the relationsihps with them. He expects them just to pick up where they were, and it isn't going to happen.

He has admitted that what I said to him was true - about not starting a new r before he had dealt with his old one, but that is as far as it goes. No inner journey, no facing himself. Too painful for him. I think if we had been less happy it might be easier for him to face the past, if that makes sense? You might think he would be more eager to return, but that isn't how it works!

I woke up very early on Easter Sunday morning, and lay there pondering the miracle of resurrection, and got to examining my conscience. I felt very strongly that I wanted, for my part, to lay aside any residual anger that I felt over how I had been treated by my h over the past 5/6 years, and also to acknowledge any hurts he may have felt, or is feeling in his crazy ML state. I am mostly sorry for him these days, and the crazy person he has become.

So I sent him a brief email, wishing him a happy Easter, and apologising for any part I had played in his unhappiness, telling him I was good, and wishing him well. [I communicate with him very rarely]

I feel lighter for writing it. It doesn't matter [much] if he replies or not, or in what voice. I wrote it for me, and I hope and believe I have no expectations. Another part of letting go of the control of the past, while acknowledging its power. And trying to be honest with myself.

OK, as my last post described how I sent my h a brief email on Easter Sunday. I have had no contact in almost 4 months [since we divorced], and before that no contact in 6 months, so nearly a year of no speak, and a pretty hostile divorce.

I just received a single line reply, asking me how our boys [and girls], are doing {this referring to their wives, gfs as we have three boys}.

Obviously a request for information, but do I want to respond? The email I sent was a friendly gesture, and asked no questions.

My feeling is that after all this time he could ask them himself. I also find the use of 'our' boys odd. I never refer to the children as 'ours' anymore, but 'my' children. Hmmm I need to think about this. No rush, as it took him nearly 4 days to respond. BUT and it is a big but, it is civil. not sure I expected any sort of reply, but a polite one . . . is unusual from my xh.

Wait a couple of days and respond back w/something like this.."they are doing well". Don't give him a lot of information. If he's curious enough, he'll contact them himself or ask more questions of you.

Drop the crumbs of "kindness" and see where it goes.

I agree with snodderly. Keep it simple.