Did not think I would be posting any updates in awhile but I guess there is something worth posting. She called tonight I answered
W: Hi.
M: Hello
W: First Happy Easter
M: Thank you same to you
W: Second I hear through the grapevine that D is not allowed to speak my name in the house. If it is none of my business then just tell me but I wanted to know if that was true.
M: Who told you that?
W: The who is not important. If it is none of my business then just say so I was just wondering.
M: No D is careful around me because she thinks that speaking your name hurts me or that I get sad but I have assured her that it does not. Today for example I took her to get her new glasses on the way there she talked about you but almost stopped because she felt I would be sad. I told her it was ok.
W: Oh ok you know that would break my heart. I thought maybe your mom or somebody would have told her that.
M: No noone has said that.
W: Well when she was at the Bday party she told friend that
M: Well it goes to show why I don't talk to that friend anymore
W: Well it's over. Did you get her an easter basket.
M: No not yet
W: She needs to have an easter basket for Sunday. Don't buy a premaid one built one from scratch and make sure you color eggs
M: I don't know how to color eggs
She went on to explain how to color eggs and what I should put in the basket. I listened.
Then I put my foot in my mouth
M: This whole time I thought you were calling to tell me how well your call went with Jody LOL
W: Oh hahaha I am going to call. I said I would and I will. I promise
M: I know you are
W: I haven't but I will. And I have not bought the book either I was waiting to get some gas money when I got paid to drive over to the book store and buy it.
M: Yeah I joked with a buddy of mine and told him the money I left you bought you some lunch
W: It did actually LOL but I promised I would read the book and I intent to.
M: Whether you read it or not is totally up to you, it is more for your benefit than mine.
W: Well I am. Just have to get the money you know I am broke. You know all that credit card debt
M: yeah I know I have my debt you have your debt I have the 15K loan remember. You have the same so we are about even in that
W: Even? I can't believe you think that is even.
M: It is even.
W: No it's not. You would not have that IRS debt if you would have listen to me before and I would not have this credit card debt if you have listen to me before
M: Yeah well if you recall I took the 15 IRS off your hands and if you recall most of the credit cards were paid off before you left. You chose the to get a 2K loan for the D and charge up the credit cards to leave. So that is debt you have aquired to leave me except the big one which we would have paid off in a few years.
W: Yeah well I did what I had to do i don't want your money I could have asked for alimony or for you to take half the credit card debt and I didn't
M: Actually sweet heart no you couldn't. I did some checking when you mentioned alimony back in Jan and then I would have gotten an attorney and you had your attorney and we could have gone a totally different route but we kept it clean and nice. If you would have asked for alimony this conversation would be totally different right now.
W: I am not going down this road with you
M: not interested at all in going down this road just stating the facts.
By this point the conversation was going south but we kept it heading in that direction
W: Do you think I sit around and sit here and think about what a horrible person you are. you are not a horrible person you are a great person but we stopped being nice to each other. I think about what I have done also it was not just you. I think about the good times also but thinking about that also makes me sad.
M: I know you don't sit around and think about how bad I was
W: I don't I am tired of talking about this, this is not what I wanted to talk about. You think that you keep saying the same thing and some how I am going to change my mind. With all your self help books and Jody and your support group but my mind does not work that way. We were broken and when i left I did everything i could to save it and you did not join me. I was doing it all by myself.
M: You were not doing it all on your own. I was fighting also or do you think I was sitting there thinking life was peachy and fun while you were dying inside. I was angry I was irritated I did not see another way out also but the D or the separation ever cross my mind. I was committed to making it work one way or another.
W: Oh yeah you decided to fight for your M 5 months after I left that is helpful.
M: BS I fought when you were here I fought when you left and I fought even after you left.
W: Fight? What did you do to fight? I was hitting my head against a wall and you were not doing anything. You went to counseling and you were not even there
M: Wait a sec first I liked the first counselor. You chose to stop going to him not me.
W: Cause you were not even there mentaly
M: Because you did not like what he had to say
M: No I was there and I wanted it. The second counselor was a waste of time. First we went once and second the lady was more interested in who was calling her during the session than what we were doing.
W: You wanted the counselors tell me something was wrong with me. That is what you wanted.
M: No its not. There is nothing wrong with you.
W: So what did you do to fix it?
M: Well I did the best with what I could. It's like you driving your car to the house and telling me the air does not work. You know I am not a mechanic so the car sits there for three months and then you come pick it up and are pi$$ed because it is not fixed. WTH. I am not a mehenanic. Your mad cause I did not fix the car, even though you could not fix it either. Well now we have tools to fix it and you still chose not to.
W: You are so good with words. The way you speak. I don't see it that way. I did not see it as a way to fix it. Once I made my decision it was because I believed I could not fix it or it could be fixed.
M: And once you realize it can or could have then what? That is the million dollar question. Once you know it could have where do you go from there. You know I made mistakes. Ok. You know you made mistakes. We decided to head in two different directions. I healed and grew keeping us in mind you healed and separated keeping you in mind.
W: There was no us back then. When I left there was no us. My biggest problem I was worried about your happiness D happiness and your mother happiness. Every one but me. I realize no one can make you happy but you. If I can't be happy for myself then I can't make anyone happy.
M: That is a good point. So now are you happy? Did you find your happiness.
W: No. I am surviving. That is all. I don't even think I should tell you that.
M: why
W: Because I feel like I am letting you in too much.
M: I am guarded around you also you are not the only one. I get that.
W: this is why we can't be talking about this anymore. I want to call you I would like for you to call me but this crap has to stop. We are not fixing anything and no matter how many times you say it right now all it is doing is bringing up bad feelings. Do you want me to call you? Do you want me to talk to you? You want to be friends for now?
M: It's up to you. Not to me. You want to call? Call. You don't want to call? Don't. I enjoy talking to you but if you feel frustrated for calling then don't. But you brought the conversation here not me
W: Look I am sorry if it was me but I don't want to do this over and over. Why can't we just talk about our days and leave it that. Once we pass like 16 minutes the convo goes this way. So if you want me to call and we can keep it like that I am ok if not I don't want to. I am trying really hard not to be a man hater right now in my life
M: well actually you being a man hater is ok by me.
W: Well your in luck cause I am. Play the lottery
M: Look it is simple. There is no M to talk about. There is no R to talk about so it's pointless you made sure of that. You want to call I will be here to talk. Simple rule from now on no freaking R talk
W: Ok then. Lets try that
M: I won't try I just won't talk about it
W: Fine I will try not to stear the conversation that way.
There was A LOT more but that is the jist of the conversation.
Look I know this was not where this convo needed to go but it did and there is no reason for me to sit here rewritting history. Of course I took the bait and swallowed it but that is ok for me. She needs to be responsible for her own actions and stop blaming me for her crappy life.
That whole bit in the middle... the part where she starts by saying, "We were broken and when i left I did everything i could to save it and you did not join me. I was doing it all by myself."...
Really...? She feels that she was working to fix things and that you weren't?
Honestly, I know better than to believe words, but... talk about surreal. Having a conversation with my W, 3 years from now and have her say that she "tried everything" and that I didn't try at all...
I am getting a little tired of these updates but they keep popping up so what am I to do?
After last nights little depacle I decided to continue the trend. Self destruct mode? Not really. I am not moving forward with fear of losing anything anymore so there was something I wanted to say last night that I did not. So I decided to call her back.
She did not answer and did not call back. No worries
Today I called back around 6PM no answer. About 10 minutes later I get a text from her
W: Sorry...Getting ready to go eat with friend...What's up.
At this point I started to soften up and decided I did not feel like saying what I wanted to say. So I respond
M: Nothing have a good time
W: Another riddle
I waited a few minutes but then I could not hold it
M: I was going to thank you for the ideas on the Easter Basket for D and to ask you a question regarding the coloring of the eggs but I figured it out. There is your riddle........
W: Oh Ok...Your Welcome
No response from me. I got home and decided to put in a movie for D and me. About 20 minutes later I get a call
W: Hey what's up
M: Not much.
W: You called?
M: Yeah I told you what I had to say in the text. I figured it out thanks.
W: Oh ok. Did you color the eggs?
M: No we are doing it tomorrow.
W: Oh good I have a few minutes before she picks me up
M: Well I just wanted to say that thank you for the ideas on the Easter Basket and one more thing. You friend who told you that is a cancer and a sh!t starter. She is a fake and phony and you just validated what I thought about her with that comment. It's no wonder she has no real friends. There is no reason for her to make that comment other than to start trouble, because that is what she does. You are too smart to not see that.
W: Oh I know how she is that is why we stopped hanging around her when I was there. I knew what she was about. I kind of new the answer before I even called I even discussed it with my mom and I figured I would bring it up. That was actually the first time I have spoken to her in months. I did not think it would upset you like it did.
M: Does not upset me at all just validates my point about her and who she really is.
We talked for a few minutes more
W: My friend down here is having marriage problems i feel bad for her
M: What's wrong
W: Kind of the same problems we were having
M: Well hopefully they end up better than we did D is over rated
W: I never said D was the way to go. I told her to get counseling and that I was hardly the person to give her marriage advice.
M: that's too bad they can save it if they want to I like her and I like him
W: You don't like her?
M: Since when?
W: You have never liked her
M: Ok your nuts. I have always liked her she introduced us for one and all I have ever said is that she is dry. And she is. But anyways have a good time on your date
W: It is not a date it is a GF coming over so that we can get some pizza. I have to go to the bathroom
M: Too much info for me
W: LOL well you want to be friends right? Just letting you know
M: Not that kind of friend. I will talk to you tomorrow
W: You sound upset
M: Nope. Just have to get this Easter Stuff together and forgot some stuff at the store
W: Ok. I will call D tomorrow. Have a good night
M: YOu too
That is it. We talked a few minutes but most of the other stuff was just busy talk and unimportant, not like this is anymore important just the stuff I was able to type as she spoke.
I dont get it. Surprise. If woman wanted to fix the marriage but feel that you 2step didnt meet that need at the time but now you are obviously trying to fix it and there is no OM.
Why must she hang on to divorce. I know some people will say because the woman wanted it fixed for soooo many years and it fell on def ears. But again, really make us understand. Treat us like an idiot if need be. Spell it out.
" I am not happy, if this contiues, i dont want to be your wife"
that would have worked for most of us.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I am glad you decided no more R talk. It's getting you nowhere right now.
Stop pushing. Stop pursuing. Your actions are your words are not matching up. You are saying you are moving on, that there is no D to bust anymore, but your frustration and anger is still there.
And instead of processing it yourself, it looks like you are using the excuse of no longer having to DB her to get a few shots in at her.
There is as much as roller coaster when you get the D as there is when they first drop the bomb. In some ways it's worse.
Give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. And understand that you still have a lot of grieving to do.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I am glad you decided no more R talk. It's getting you nowhere right now.
Stop pushing. Stop pursuing. Your actions are your words are not matching up. You are saying you are moving on, that there is no D to bust anymore, but your frustration and anger is still there.
And instead of processing it yourself, it looks like you are using the excuse of no longer having to DB her to get a few shots in at her.
There is as much as roller coaster when you get the D as there is when they first drop the bomb. In some ways it's worse.
Give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. And understand that you still have a lot of grieving to do.
This whole time I am wondering where you have been and last night I found my post somewhere on like page 7 and realized you had posted. I must have missed it.
You know Michelle here is the thing.
My frustration and anger are real and I do need time to process this info. I feel like there has been a total game going on here and I think what I need to do is cut waaaaaaaaay back on the contact. I am not doing this as some sort of ploy or trick I am doing it to protect myself.
Since the beginning I have had a lot of contact you have read along. The D caught me completely off. I don't know why. It should not have, and before everyone takes the opportunity to use that comment to give me some speech about expectations, I get it. However it is hard to look at the convo's I have been having and walking away with the conclusion that I was done for. After she turned the papers in we had our DB session. After she turned in the papers we read together and blah blah blah. Then April 1st happens. Surprised? Yeah a little.
Do I think she knows what she is doing? Yes
Do I believe at some point she could have told me she had turned the papers in, that way she was not setting me up for another heart break? Yes. I think that would have been a decent thing to do. There is NO way she does not know or did not know what my intentions were and where I stood throughout this whole thing. Yet the contact continued. Why?
What is the point?
My mind is always thinking. I am always processing.
"Stop wondering why" "live for yourself" "GAL" I know I know and I know. I am doing all these things. My focus is on my D and me. Plain and simple. I am not a robot though and I would be lying if I did not say I hurt.
I did not update this but she called on Sunday to talk to D for a little while they ended up talking for about 20 min then her and I spoke about nonsense school weekend and little things. Nothing of substance.
You know how I felt while talking to her? I wanted to hang up.
Truth is Michelle I am not sure at this point I even want this to work anymore it is like a constant game and I am battle fatigued. Now everything I wrote in that earlier post is absolutely true. I will always love her and I still do. Thing is now after the D it has become painful because I am not really sure what I am working towards.
She calls, and by comparison to other posters, she calls a lot. Why? What is the reason for the constant contact? I don't get it.
Someone explained it to me earlier this way:
"She does not want you right now but she does not want you to move on. She knows exactly what she is doing. The balance of the R has shifted completely in her favor and right now whether you want to hear it or not you are plan B. Now plan A can be anything. Making it on her own. Proving something to herself. Whatever that might be. If that does not work out then she knows she has you. Are you content with that? Are you content with being someone’s plan B?"
My answer to you is the same answer I gave to them. No. I am not. I am not worth anyone’s plan B. I have owned my mistakes and I have forgiven myself. She has agreed to talk to Jody I bought three sessions for her and gave her the contact number. Now it is up to her to call and do her own work. Truth is I want her to call for herself at this point. Not for us. There is no us anymore.
I believe she has strung me along and I am jumping off the ride. I guess for the first time I am beginning to question what it is that I want and why. Does not mean I hurt any less or that I still don't have my days where I am totally depressed.
9yrs ago today I got M.
Even when you accept the end it is painful.
As far as throwing in some digs at her yeah your prob right. Jody told me to take some stock. I am trying to correct the record a little bit because some of her history still appears to be a little hazy.
Right now I am almost mourning the M and the end of the R all over again only this time I am not walking around looking like a zombie or crying in the night. It is a different kind of mourning. I don't know how to explain it.
As long as we have this constant contact I can't heal properly at least that is how I feel about it.
isn't it possible she misses her step daughter and therefore stays in some contact b/c she feels guilt for abandoning her and or wants to maintain a R with her?
For your d's sake, I'd say they should maintain a relationship. You have to protect yourself when it happens, but I don't find your ex's contacts hard to understand. But I know it's tough on you and is on every couple that has children. You are forever connected. Sorry you're going through this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
